I hate new years.
I love the smile on people's faces as they welcome a new era. I love the get-together of families and the smell of homemade cookies and chicken and rice casserole. I love the cold air outside our back porch on the evening before January 1.
But I hate the pressure of becoming someone new. I hate the expectation that people have with new year's resolutions. I hate the pressure of becoming better in the new year.
Our church, Christian Life Chapel, on the other hand, didn't celebrate New Years. It was because we were more in line with the Jewish calendar than in the Gregorian calendar. We believed in Gregorian years, we just didn't celebrate it. We followed the common order of months from January to December too, we just didn't celebrate common holidays.
But I wasn't going to tell my mom and dad that. At least, not yet. Not until they understand the God and the Bible that I believe in. And I live by.
Live by. That was funny to say. I wasn't even sure if I really lived by the Bible these past few days. I was restless, I knew. I wanted to follow God and obey His Word, but I was also weak in the flesh. I did things I knew that came from my fleshly desires.
I wasn't my flesh, I knew. My flesh was weak. But my spirit was willing. The only problem was, I wasn't listening to my spirit.
And now that the new year was coming up, I felt the pressure coming on. The pressure of becoming a better Christian for the new year. The pressure of finally becoming the ideal Christian. And I didn't know if I could do it.
I still went to Church and all that, although I had to admit I was missing some Wednesday Worship nights. There were days I would choose other things than go out to worship.
I know, I know. It's wrong. But I couldn't help it. I was just too tired these days.
And there was the pressure of doing my devotions again. Okay, I gotta admit. I haven't exactly been faithful in doing my devotionals. Because every time I chose to do it, I would be too sleepy or distracted.
It's not fun.
As we approached the new year, I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not even Meredith. Or Trey.
And now I understood Samuel's situation. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to be always consistent. He too had only been going to church, but missed some days where he had other things he had to do.
It was so easy to misjudge him when you're not going through the same thing he is. And now it was as if the Lord had given me a whole new perspective. To always be considerate of others. Because what could be easy to you, could not be for me. We were all unique, and had our own reactions to different scenarios.
I watched as a thin snowflake begin to fall around December 27. Winters came late in Clarkdale. At least, in my part of town. I had spent my holiday evening at our rooftop, wearing a red parka and white Timberland boots. I wished Meredith were around, but honestly, to me, Meredith was too perfect or spiritual or holy. I didn't think she understood what I was going through. And I didn't have the guts to tell her anyway.
"Charlie?" a familiar voice floated from behind me. A boy's voice. My heart leaping, I turned around to see Meredith and Trey grinning at me through my bedroom window.
"Guys? Why are you here?" I asked, steam billowed from my mouth as I spoke.
"We couldn't leave our best friend alone." Meredith said, hoisting herself up as she stepped on the roof. She too was wearing Timberland boots, but they were purple. She wore a white cardigan over a black sweater, locks of her dark brown hair fell on her shoulder as she walked towards me.
She sat next to me, and Trey sat next to her. Trey wore a gray sweatshirt and a black scarf around his neck. He, on the other hand, wore black sneakers.
"You weren't answering any of our texts." Trey said.
I chuckled wistfully. "I turned my phone off."
"Why?" Meredith asked.
"You know why."
"You're not okay?" She asked, as if she didn't already know my answer to that.
I didn't answer. I just shook off the three snowflakes that landed on my boot.
"We'll always be here for you, Charlie. Even when you're not okay. Even when you can't tell us why you're not okay." She added, looking up at the dark sky up above.
"The new year is coming up and I'm afraid I'm still the same as I'll ever be in January. The same struggle. The same weakness. The same situation." I said it all at once, not stopping to take a breath until I finished saying it.
"Oh." Trey and Meredith said in unison.
"I think we'll all still be the same by January, Charlie." Meredith said. "Change doesn't happen overnight. I mean, it takes 365 days to get to a New Year. And it took sixteen years for you to become a Christian, Charlie. If God is up to something, He'll take His time. And I think that's the same with me and you.
"As 2 Peter 3:9 says, 'The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.'"
I stared at Meredith in astonishment. I was amazed.
"God's up to something, Charlie." She added, smiling. Her dark brown eyes glistened.
I felt my eyes sting. I sniffed away the tears. "That's great news."
"And you'll be hearing more great news if only you'd open up your Bible." She said, sitting with legs crossed this time.
"I'm not like you, being okay all the time." I said. "There really are days where I just don't feel like opening the Bible even when I force myself to."
"It just takes a firm decision, Charlie. We are in control of our own lives. In 1 Corinthians 10:13, 'No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.'
"Just trust Him. His power is made perfect in weakness."
I felt like crying. I pursed my lips, sniffing hard. But the tears still wanted to come. Before they did, Trey and Meredith pulled me in a tight hug.
"We'll always be here even in the new year. And in the next new year. In every year." Meredith said.
And that was enough for me.
A/N
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