I thought we were getting a puppy.
That's what I said when my parents told me I was getting a little sibling. I mean, you don't really see it coming when you're 11 years old, do you?
Though I admit I was slightly disappointed for a little while, as soon as she was born, I was crazy about Ella. Being 11 years older, you don't really develop the kind of sibling bond that you do when you grow up together. Instead, I always felt a sort of responsibility towards her. To keep her safe. To keep her happy. To teach her things. Whether it was math or what to wear to her first formal, I was always there to offer her advice. Even though she rarely took it.
I was devastated to lose our parents. But I didn't let it cripple me. Because I knew that Ella needed me more than ever. I'm all she has now. And she's all I've got. I had no choice but to allow that man to kiss me. I would do it again if I had to.
But I haven't told Ella, of course. She wouldn't understand. As soon as Negan and the Saviours left, she demanded to know exactly what I had done. So I told her that I hid the meds. And that we still have them. Which is true enough.
At dinner that night, she keeps looking at me over her plate. I'm a decent liar, but Ella seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to these things. She knows I'm keeping something back and she won't let it go.
'I just talked to Ron', she announces suddenly.
'Okay', I reply dryly .
'He told me King Asshole came back here.'
'Don't call him that.'
'Why not?' she asks incrediously. 'He's not still here, is he? Or is there more you didn't tell me?'
'Ella', I say tiredly. 'Stop it. It's best to call him by his name before you slip up when he is here.'
'Why did he come back?'
'He came to ask if we really gave up all the medicine.'
'And what did you say?'
'I said yes, of course. Now, can we please just have dinner in silence? I'm exhausted.'
'He didn't press you on it? He just took your word?'
'Well, they ransacked the place, didn't they? They didn't find anything.'
'Christina', she says, suddenly sounding emotional. I look up quickly at her sudden change of tone.
'What?' I ask her worriedly.
'I know you're holding something back. You can't do that. I'm not a child anymore, just... just tell me the truth.'
I can see now that there are tears in her eyes. I'd mistaken her inability to let it go for her teenage stubbornness, but I guess I hadn't realized how affected she really is. I haven't been myself since he kissed me in the kitchen, I haven't been paying attention. Of course she's scared... She has every reason to be.
'I'm sorry, baby', I say, leaving my chair to walk over and hug her. I run my hand over her face and brush away the tears. 'It's just... what I told you is true. We still have your meds and you're going to be okay.'
'So tell me the whole story', she says, sniffing back her tears. 'I just want to know. I want to help you.'
'You can't help with this', I say, blowing out some air.
'Please, Chris', she begs me. 'We're in this together, aren't we? You can't keep me in the dark.'
The fear in her eyes cuts straight through my heart. I don't want her to come up with all kinds of crazy theories. Of course she deserves the truth. I just don't want to tell it.
'Okay', I say reluctantly. 'Okay...'
I get back up to move back to my chair and fold my hands together nervously as I look at her. I take a big sigh to brace myself before I tell her.
'He found out that I hid the meds. It was Olivia's stock lists, you know... I'd completely forgotten all about them.'
'What did he do?' Ella asks anxiously. 'Was he angry?'
Was he? Not really, actually. Just very intimidating.
'I don't know, he gave me a chance to tell him the truth. So I did, I handed him the drugs.'
'But you just gave me a new strip.'
'Yes, I did...'
'What, he just let you keep them?' she asks confused. 'After you lied to him?'
'Not exactly... He let me keep a week's supply. In exchange for...'
'For what?'
'For a kiss.'
Ella's uncharacteristically silent for a moment as she processes the news. But the expression on her face soon turns to one of utmost disgust.
'Chris, that's disgusting. He killed Glenn and Abraham.'
'Don't I know it', I say defeatedly. 'What do you think was going through my mind the whole time his hands were on me?'
'How did that go? He was like, I'll give you these things if you kiss me?'
'No, more like he cornered me and hardly gave me a chance to protest and then when he kissed me I didn't dare to stop him.'
'So he forced himself on you?' she asks, raising her voice in her anger.
'Look, all that matters is that he did leave the meds, so you're fine for another week at least.'
'What's one week?' she asks exasperatedly. 'That's nothing! So he will be back here next week and give you more if you make out with him again?'
'Yes, I think so.'
'And is a kiss going to keep him satisfied?' she pushes on. 'What if he raises the price and tells you to sleep with him, Chris?'
'God, I don't know, El', I say desperately, grabbing my head between my hands as I rest my elbows on the table. 'I don't know how far he'll take it.'
'You do know how far he'll take it', she yells, kicking back her chair as she gets up. 'This is exactly the kind of men that you used to warn me for. Stay away from boys that make you do things you're not comfortable with when you're older, El. That's what you used to say to me, isn't it? You give in once, they keep on taking and taking till you don't even recognize yourself anym-'
'I know what I told you!' I yell, getting up from my chair as well. 'But this isn't some boy that pushes you to put out after he buys you dinner or that doesn't take a hint when you show him your cheek. This is a fucking murderer, El! He killed Abraham and Glenn with a bat that he calls Lucille, he's fucking crazy!'
Her lip trembles when I get into her face and I run my hand through my hair as I walk away to put some more space between us again. When I speak again, I try to tone it down a little bit.
'I don't know what you want from me, El. He scares the shit out of me. I thought he was going to kill me when he found out about those meds. Instead he gave me a chance to keep you healthy a little longer. What was I supposed to do?'
'You should have told him to go to hell.'
'Okay, well I know who would be going to the afterlife straight after that and it wouldn't be him.'
'Chris, please, promise me you won't do it again. I don't want you to do this for me.'
'Dad died to get you those meds! You need them, I can't risk losing you.'
'This was always going to happen', she says with tears in her eyes. 'How much did we have left, enough for 3 years? Three and a half, maybe?'
I cross my arms and chew my lip as I start to wander through the room. I don't want to think about it, I can't think about it. I remember how much she suffered from those seizures.
'Medication has an expiration date, even if we would find more, there will be a point where I can't take any meds anymore. It might as well be now.'
'It doesn't have to be now', I say, shaking my head. I startle a bit when I feel her hand on my shoulder.
'Yes, Chris, it has to be now. I don't want you to do this. Please.'
When I look around, I look straight into her big, brown eyes full of tears and I can't keep it together anymore. I throw out my arms and hug her tighter than she's let me in years.
'Promise me, please', she says into my hair.
'Fine', I say as tears fall over my cheeks. 'If that's what you want... I promise you.'
'Thank you', she sobs.
'But someone will always have to watch you once you're off your meds. And I won't have you complain about it.'
'I promise.'
'Good girl', I say, pushing her back to an arms length.
'I love you, sis', I tell her.
'I love you.'