November 3rd, 2020
I sat on the arm of the couch, trying to avoid Heeseung. "Are you that mad? I was just asking a question." Heeseung whined, standing next to me. I ignored him, staring at the window.
A headache grew, causing me more frustration. The tears in my eyes were getting harder to contain. I hate crying when I'm angry. I hate being angry. I hate that Heeseung purposely makes me angry just to get a reaction out of me.
I hate the way he finds it funny when I'm in a bad mood. I hate how he always has something to say. I hate this side of him. Yet I'm infatuated with the him that's so caring.
He may be stern still but deep down hes a caring and soft-hearted guy. Like at the cafe when he was so nice since he didnt know it was me. Why does he hate me? What about me does he hate?
My silence? But that makes no sense. What did I do? Heeseung, please tell me. It's making me sad yknow. I dont like being sad, nobody does. Your hatred is the last thing I need in this life.
I need the you that's caring. I need people like Jay and Sunoo. Not people that hate me for simply existing. The more I let my mind wonder the more the tears edged against my sockets.
Before I knew it one slipped but I wiped it before Heeseung saw. My vision was blurry as a lump was forming in my throat. I think Heeseung started to notice my sour feelings.
He leaned to the side so he was able to see my face. I tried to turn away but he grabbed my jaw. It startled me making my eyes widen as I uncrossed my arms.
The smirk fell from his face as he took notice of the tears in my now glossy eyes. His lips fell into a small frown. I jerked my face out of his grip and turned away.
"Jeongmi..." He whispered but his sentence trailed off. I kept my face turned away from him but I was listening in case he said something. I heard him take a deep breath.
"I didnt mean to make you sad." Was all he said. I turned and looked at him. He of course was already staring back. I gave him a small glare before turning away again.
"Jeongmi seriously? I-" I cut him off by putting a hand up then I grabbed my phone and began to type words. "You're hurting my feelings just to get a reaction out of me because you find it fun. Just admit it. You hurt me for your own pleasure." Then I let him read it.
His face turned to shock. Once he looked back up at my I turned my phone off. I stared him deep in his eyes, waiting for his response. "That's not true." He answered breathlessly.
I turned my phone right back on and began to type my response. "Then why constantly come into MY dorm and start snapping at me then smirk and giggle once I'm mad because you yell at me for no reason? If it's not true then fix your behaviors and show me it isnt true." I nearly smiled at my own words and showed him.
He went really quiet for a long few minutes. I turned my phone off and dropped it onto the couch, waiting for him to talk. Heeseung finally collected himself and responded.
"I mostly snap at you because of your damn drinking problem and your shoulders when dancing. It's me trying to stop you from messing up again constantly, not me trying to get a reaction. As for just then...well..."
He fell silent again, scratching the back of his neck. He broke eye contact and looked towards the window. "I guess that was for a reaction." He finally admitted. For the first part of his answer, whatever thanks I guess but for that part...I knew it.
I shrugged as if to ask why. He looked back at me. He shrugged back. I rolled my eyes and got up. I grabbed my phone and walked into the kitchen, sitting at an island chair.
I rested my head on my hand. Waiting for Heeseung to either say something else or leave. Instead he sat beside me, staring at me like always. Why does he keep staring at me?
What's there to stare at? I looked back. His had his stone-face back on. "If I apologized would you accept it?" He asked, leaning his head on his hand as well. I grabbed my phone and reluctantly began to type.
"If you'd stop trying to act so cold all the time. I know that you're a really soft-hearted guy under that mask Heeseung. I remember a lot from the times when I was drunk. You choose to be so mean and I dont understand why." Then I scooted the phone to him.
He read carefully, his eyes scanning every word. He scooted the phone back once done reading. He suddenly stood up and turned to leave in silence. I quickly grabbed his shoulder, making him stop.
He spun around quickly, his body close to mine. I looked him deep in the eyes, almost begging him to say he'd do as I asked. He grabbed my wrist and put my hand on my own lap.
Heeseung spun back around and began walking to the door. I hopped up and ran after him, pulling the back of his shirt. "Jeongmi, stop." He spoke through clenched teeth. He was getting mad.
That would have shut me down had my inner child not been begging for an apology from someone who been treating me bad at least once.
I held onto his arm sleeve and then nudged his chest, still waiting. "I would love to apologize but I need to think ok?" He finally answered. I frowned, still holding onto his arm sleeve.
Think about what? You'd rather stay an asshole instead of just apologizing right here and now? I finally let go. He quickly exited the moment my arm fell by my side. I stood still as the door slammed in my face.
I began to cry. Not again. Please no not again. I began hitting my fist against the wall out of anger. What's the reason for him to be like this?! Why is he so reluctant to be nice to me?! I hate you Lee Heeseung, I hate you so much!
November 11th, 2020
My last few days have been filled with silence. Not too long after the encounter with Heeseung someone came knocking on my door but I ignored them. Two days later someone knocked on my door but I again ignored them.
Again, a day later, there was knocking on my door. That someone was Jay. He kept blowing up my phone saying Heeseung told him what happened and what I said. I didnt respond.
Sunoo's been texting me too, asking if I want to talk to him about it. I suppose all the other members know. Great. I tried to keep it out of my mind but it's all I could think of.
I've felt too sick to eat much, I've had ramen every other day but that's about it. I've been crying so much lately as well. I can hardly do anything without crying. We are on a small break as our debut is near.
Therefore I need to go to the convenience store and grab a few things if you know what I mean. Food to of course. I rose from my bed like a vampire and slipped down the stairs.
I dressed into casual wear and grabbed my phone and charger. I shoved them in my purse and slipped on my shoes. Just before I left my dorm I took a deep breath, preparing for either Jay or Sunoo to run out their dorm if they hear my door open/close.
I slowly cracked my door open and I quietly stepped out. I tried my best to quietly close my door. It somewhat worked except the loud click of the door automatically locking.
I bolted down the hall and slammed my hand on the elevator button. It opened immediately. I jumped in and smacked the button for the lobby. The elevator lowered down and opened up.
I sped-walked out the building and down the street towards the convenience store. There was quite the amount of people on the streets today so I was a little nervous and felt claustrophobic.
Either way I made it to the convenience store even though it took longer than normal. I immediately went to the back and grabbed as many alchohol bottles I could hold. I slowly walked to the cashier and set the drinks down carefully.
The guy looked a little concerned but didnt question anything. I paid, not even looking at the cashier. Once he finished bagging everything and I was done paying I jogged out of there.
I didnt realize until I was back at my dorm that I forgot some food. I'll be fine. I opened my door and let it slam shut. My eyes for some reason stayed on the ground as I walked to the kitchen and I put my stuff down.
"Hey." I heard a voice from the living room. I snapped my head up and met eyes with Heeseung. I forgot he knew my passcode to the door. He got up and stepped towards me, keeping his eyes on me.
Once he got close, he looked into the bag of 'groceries'. He pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels and examined it. He scoffed and placed it down. "What more could I expect from you hm?" He said, facing me again.
Wow. What more could I expect from YOU Heeseung? I rolled my eye and just began to take the bottles out the bag. I had two soju's, one Jack Daniel's, two bottles of Vodka and lastly just some random red wine.
"Goodness Jeongmi." Heeseung said, his voice low and husky. I could feel his presence behind me. My face grew red quick. I ignored him and began to organize the drinks in the fridge.
Gosh why did he have to be like this? Anyway I kept the two bottles of soju out. After I finsihed organizing I turned around to Heeseung and offered him one of the bottles.
He smirked and took it, cracking it open. I opened mine and began to drink it steadily. I sat on the counter and Heeseung stood next to me. He sipped on his, watching me with a small grin.
I cant wait to see the nice Heeseung again. The excitement was overwhelming so I just kept downing the whole bottle quickly. Heeseung only continued to sipped on his. Soon the alchohol took its affect and my vision got dark.
I felt relaxed. Heeseung could tell and smiled. I hope that's soft him shining through his hard outer shell. I stared at him for a while as he stared back. Why did it look like he was glowing? Goodness.
I suddenly leaned and hugged him tightly. He let out a small gasp but eventually hugged me back, his arms wrapping around my waist. I could feel butterflies storm in my stomach.
He set his drink down and pulled me closer to him. His face was buried in my neck and I could feel his lips brushing against my skin. My face was red like a tomato.
I didnt want to let go of him though. I hate him but I wont let go of him. Not yet. Unless he gives me a good enough reason I dont think I can. "Are we going to hug like this forever?" Heeseung asked, his breath hitting my neck.
I didnt answer. I didnt shrug or nod. I just kept hugging. "I'll take that as a yes." Heeseung laughed. Eventually Heeseung pulled away, I didnt want to force him to hug me for a long time so I let him go. He grabbed his drink and took a large swig out of it.
I finished mine off and threw the bottle away. Heeseung still had at least half a bottle. I couldnt keep my eyes off Heeseung. I dont know why I just couldnt. He still looked like he was glowing.
Heeseung took notice in my intense gaze and looked up at me. His big bambi eyes were so alluring. His aura was alluring as well. Why must I always get attached the people that hurt me?
I finally turned away and hopped off the counter. I trudged over to the couch and flopped down. I grabbed a pillow and slapped it over my face. I'm embarrassed to be alive.
I hate the way I am and I hate how I keep letting my past affect me and my thoughts. It's so tiring and I want it to stop. Why wont it stop? It hurts a lot.
I listened as Heeseung's footsteps approached me. I held the pillow over my face firmly. He snatched it away in one try so I just covered my face with my hands.
He laughed. I really like his laugh. I promise I dont like him like that its just...well...I'm not sure.