Victoria Brooks
Going to Zade and Jareth's bleeder den has been a weekly occurrence the for past two months. Jareth finally met her and Zade's gotten to ask her a million questions- each one he sounded more excited about than the last. They were both fast friends. Now they have all these inside jokes that consist of singular words that sends them giggling like two little kids. I can't even begin to decipher why the word 'tangerine' makes them laugh as hard as they do. Regardless, I'm glad she's laughing.
The first time Jareth and her met they sat and did a scotch tasting because Morgan said she wasn't a fan of scotch. Morgan said they just shared stupid stories the whole time. I still haven't told her what they are and they haven't either. I'll leave it up to them if they want to tell her.
After greeting us and having a brief conversation they'll turn their attention back to the bar or Jareth will leave to go get shitfaced in a foreign country for days on end.
In the Silent Room Morgan and I get to shit talk Lucien and Jacob, sometimes we'll just sit, drink, and feed while listening to music- no talking just enjoying. She'll let me talk about Dane. His absence, probable death, and possible torture has been weighing heavy on me lately. I spent the last two years getting used to the idea that he would be gone once this all went down but it's all hitting me now that it's actually happened. I won't ever have a chance to explain myself to him, Lucien would never allow me to see him. He'll die thinking I just simply betrayed him. He'll die probably hating me and that has been hurting more than I let on, I just refuse to confront it. Why would I ever healthily confront my emotions? So when we're here I'll just talk about him, the happy and good moments we had together. Communicating my thoughts and emotions with her has gotten easier, I don't feel like dry heaving anymore .
She looks forward to it every week because it's the one time she can just be her. I look forward to it for the same reasons. While we're in the palace I have to force her to do things she doesn't want to do and she has to pretend to stop fighting me on it. I back handed her the other day because she wouldn't participate in torture- God I'm awful- but I only did it because Jacob was right in front of us. I spent the next time we were here profusely apologizing to her.
I'm finding it to be a bit hard to live with myself but to save her from the fate of being at Lucien's mercy I'll persevere. As much as Pierce says he supports me, knowing why I'm doing this, I can't help but wonder if some part of him is disgusted by my actions and words towards my own flesh and blood. I know I am.
I recently started teaching her how to use her ability to control minds. That she picked up easily- still a little iffy with it but she's almost there. "Are we gonna talk? What's up?" I ask putting my drink down as she detaches herself from the bleeders throat.
She turns around and wipes what blood remains from her lips with a napkin on the end table. "I needed a night to not pretend again. I hate what I'm doing, I hate what you're doing. I hate all of this." She says as she slumps back down onto the couch.
"As do I." I state. She starts rubbing her forearm. "Is there something else bothering you?"
She nervously looks over at me then reaches for her drink sitting on the coffee table in front of us. She takes a quick sip to prep herself to speak. "Earlier today- I know it's the point of all of this and I mean Jacob was right in front of me but... I killed that woman way too easily for my liking." She looks off in disgust with herself. "This." She motions to the general room we're in. "This is fine. I like this. I feel normal here but back there..." She trails off taking a drink. "I hate it- being what I am and I don't want to hate it but every time I kill someone." She lowers her head blinking rapidly to force back tears. "The part of me that likes it feels bigger and bigger. I don't want to be a monster but that's what I feel like."
"I'm sorry." I think I'm going to be apologizing to her forever. "I don't want you to hate it all, I hope one day you love it. So I'm sorry that this is all happening."
She looks up- she's forced the tears down but her eyes are red. She nods at me with a small smile. Clearing her throat she takes a sip of her drink. "Um... has there been any word on Dane? Or Chloe or Kellan?"
"No word on Dane." I down my drink right after stating that. He's dead. I just know he is. "Kellan and Chloe are supposedly back in their respective territories. Chloe's why I had to get a new number a while ago, she kept blowing up my phone."
"Why didn't you just tell her?"
"I can't risk it." I say. "Telling you was enough of a risk but none of this would work if you went on hating me."
"What if she came here?"
"She can't, she's been banned from all of Lucien's territories. All it'd take is one wrong person to see her here." I say.
Her disappointed eyes flick down at her drink. She finishes it then heads to another bleeder over by the door. While she feeds I lay my head back looking up at the ceiling. I close my eyes expecting peace but I'm immediately greeted with the memory of my dead family forcing my eyes to shoot open. I haven't been able to get them out of my head all day. Clearly I haven't drank enough. I groan as I sit forward and grab the bottle of scotch on the table, heavily pouring it into my glass. I do everything in my power to avoid shitty memories or push them down so when they make their presence known in my mind, I hate it. Another reason to hate Ascension week is the constant walking reminder of shit I'd rather forget- that is Henry, one of Chloe's older brothers. I truly hate the mind, why couldn't I have just repressed all of my awful memories instead of having them show up at the forefront of my brain at random to ruin my day.
"This is weird." Morgan says as she sits down on the couch once more.
"There's a lot that could be weird you're gonna have to narrow it down." I say leaning back on the couch, sipping my drink.
She reaches over grabbing the scotch bottle pouring herself another drink with a noticeably heavy hand. "I mean you and I. It's weird, I've always been the big sister now there's you."
"Sorry I took your title."
She chuckles. "It's alright. I don't think I was that good of a big sister anyway."
"What makes you think you were bad?"
"Not that I was bad but I wasn't great. I love my siblings and they love me but I don't think I was someone worth looking up to. I was an anxious wreck, I was never set in who I am- not that I am now." She takes a breath. "Fuck, I miss them."
"I'm sorry." I tap the side of my glass thinking of my two younger brothers. When my eyes and fangs began to show my parents sat them down and told them the "truth," that I was a demon. The only thing the two cared about was seeing my fangs, they would ask to see them at least once a day. Despite the dramatic eye rolls I'd give, I loved it. I couldn't begin to express how happy it made me that they didn't look at me with even an ounce of fear. As quickly as I thought of that, the memory of Lucien tearing into their throats started to cloud it— how he was mad at me because he had to dirty his clothes with their blood. "I'm sorry that you can't see them."
She looks away briefly beginning to rub her forearm again. "How did you know I was doing that?"
"I didn't know until last night when I followed you. How long were you doing that?"
"After I found out we were near Westchester, two or three times a week. Aside from last night it was usually right before dawn. I'd listen to them all get up for work and school, and I'd leave when the sky started getting lighter. On rare occasion I'd get there earlier and listen to my brother and sister watching tv or playing video games or something- they were always night owls." Her eyes drop to the floor with a melancholic look about them. She sips her drink and swallows deeply. "Sometimes Lindsey will go to my room- I'll see the light turn on from the window. She'll lay on my bed and cry herself to sleep." She pushes her tongue against her teeth. "I could walk in and stop that. Put all their theories and hypotheticals to bed just walk the extra 40 feet into the house and tell them everything. I had ample opportunity but... I never did. That possibility that I show them what I am and they don't-" She sucks in a breath. "That they look at me and they don't see me, they see..." Her voice trails off.
"A monster."
"Yeah." She says quietly. "I've had enough people abruptly exit my life lately I wouldn't be able to handle it if they truly left me too. I don't know if they would for sure. I'd like to believe that they'd accept me for what I am and still love me, but as of late I've had shit luck. I could do it anyway, test it out and if needed make them forget but I think if they reacted that badly that I had to make them forget it'd break me. They'd go on missing and searching for their Morgan- the human one... not me." She looks down into her drink for a moment then finishes it quickly. "What was your family like?" She asks.
My heart skips hearing that question. "Oh you know, an average English family in the twelve hundreds."
"Which is what?"
I laugh nervously. Oh God I'm nervous right now. I actually feel my insides shaking over a harmless question. "Uh... My father was a Baron so he was always running around dealing with nobility stuff." I feel my mouth drying up. "My mother was the kindest woman I've ever known. Graceful, beautiful, I always looked up to her. My two brothers were gentlemen and very respectful to everyone except me. To me they were both assholes." I chuckle.
"How did they know what you are?"
I drink the rest of my drink placing my glass on the coffee table in front of me. "So um... early on in the marriage my father had an ongoing affair. When my mother found out, she had one as well- with Lucien, not knowing what he is. Once my mother said that she was pregnant, my father paid his paramour to go away, then as penance for his sinful act." I say dramatically. "He was going to raise the child- the bastard. When I came out what I am, they both thought it was Gods way of punishing them for their infidelity by giving them a child who they believed was part demon. Of course they could've," I shrug, "I don't know, abandoned me or something but they pushed through to serve their penance. Years later they were fine with it because I didn't act demonic. My brothers thought it was cool."
"They weren't afraid of you?"
I scoff. "My parents definitely were but I continually proved that there was nothing to be afraid of. Even when I started transitioning I kept my shit at bay."
Her smile widened. "So you were like the nice- sweet girl of the village?"
I roll my eyes. "Sort of yes. My father had noble status I had to present myself as such. To everyone not in the family I wasn't a bastard or a demon. I was however, the weird girl who never came out during the day."
"So you had to keep it a secret from all your suitors?" She said with a sad attempt at an english accent.
"I was actually forbade from dating."
"What?!" Her eyes widened.
"I was a demon, I wasn't allowed to date or even look at boys to minimize the risk of that coming out." I explain.
"Did it?"
"It did. The first boy I ever dated- secretly. I was in the midst of transitioning and my eyes went a little haywire. That's actually why we traveled to Greenland. The boy wasn't anyone of nobility but we couldn't really deal with anyone running around saying that I was a demon so we left." Yet another thing I blame myself for. If I had listened and we never left England, I wouldn't have visited them after Lucien took me and maybe they would've been able to live out the rest of their lives. "All because I was a stupid teenage girl. He gave me a singular flower and I was instantly in love. Ridiculous." I shake my head.
"It's cute."
"I ruined my families life over a flower and a boy with an objectively bad haircut."
"Well..." she smiles looking around for words. "It's cute. It's stupid teenager love."
Emphasis on stupid. "You have any embarrassing stupid teen love stories?"
"None that forced my family to move." She jokes and a laugh escapes me. "I don't think I've ever really been in love but I did bail a boyfriend of mine out of jail 4 times."
"What did he do?"
She looks away thinking for a split second. "Public intoxication, simple assault, public intoxication again, and a DUI." She says counting on her fingers.
"A real winner there."
"Oh yeah I definitely know how to pick 'em." She smiles but it fades as she takes a sip of her drink and looks around the room. She forces it back on her face. "Always been a talent of mine." Fucking Grayson.
"Grayson is a dick and doesn't deserve an ounce of your energy. I didn't know how involved you two were, I'm sorry that I didn't drag him away from you. Leave you with Kellan not that I liked you with him any more."
She looks down at her empty glass. "At least Kellan never backstabbed me."
"Just berated you occasionally."
"Right." She chuckles wryly.
After a moment a subtle anger inched onto her face. "He watched Lucien do that to me- when we were in your throne room. Strangle me, yell at me, force me to kill that woman and he still thought; yeah this is fine." Her jaw tenses. "Everything really meant nothing to him. I meant nothing to him." She scowls angrily but her eyes are holding back tears. "How's Pierce?" She quickly changes the conversation.
I oblige her and don't push anything else with Grayson. "He had a little hiccup earlier. Nightmares and such but during the day he's been relatively okay. I recently introduced him to the internet so he's been a bit preoccupied with that."
"That could end so badly." She laughs.
"What?"
"Unsupervised time on the internet. Too many things could be discovered."
I tilt my head. "Yeah you're right."
"So what does Rayo mean?" She asks with a subtle smile.
I try to stop the smile forming on my face. "Rayo is Spanish for ray. He said I was a ray of sunshine- sarcastically- when we first started seeing each other."
"I'm glad you have him." She says sincerely but with a fairly well hidden look of envy in her eyes. Fucking Grayson. "You know you're actually really nice to talk to, where was this when we were with everyone?"
I flip her off as my lips twitch into a smile. "I avoided you. I didn't want to like you. It would make essentially torturing you much easier if I didn't."
She gasps. "So you like me?" She puts a hand on her chest with a wide grin on her face.
"Shut up."
"I wish I could run and tell someone." She continues grinning as I roll my eyes reaching for the bottle to pour myself another drink.
We spend the rest of the night drinking and talking until I see that it's 4:30am- we'll have to go in another half hour. Each time, the instant I know it's nearing the time to leave I'm struck with an intense dread knowing that this version of me, of her, and of us as sisters- only exists within the confines of this room.
The second we leave we're nothing more than trainer and trainee who happen to be blood related. In here, once a week, for maybe 5 hours I get to actually be her sister and she gets to be mine. It's still strange saying that. Sister. I've never had one but some part of me has always wanted one. I just wish I got to be one more often.