Annie showed me posters designed mostly by NuNew and Gun, who was very keen to help us. I saw a photograph of Gun in a real closet, right next to the hangers, several of which had black and white clothes on them. Gun had his hands over his mouth, painted with a cheerful smile, but tears were flowing from his eyes. As far as I knew, it was a joint idea of the guys and its meaning immediately became clear to me: it depicted an actor hiding in a closet (known to us for a long time "closeting"), who wanted to get out of this trap, wearing bright colors, he wanted to show the whole world who he was, but he was not allowed to. And although he was suffering, he was told to pretend to be happy (fake smile painted on his hands). For us, black and white clothes symbolized unambiguity and immutability, adaptation to social and cultural norms, while the rainbow heart reflected the multitude of choices and possibilities, showed that each of us is different, unique and amazing, unrepeatable.
I was looking at this poster and I couldn't take my eyes off it.
— We still need to come up with a catchy catchphrase and the guys asked me for it, but I have absolutely no idea — She admitted. — What do you think?
— It's beautiful and has a deeper meaning, I like it. Mouth covered with hands means no possibility to tell the truth, am I right?
— You're right. You read it right.
— Annie...
— Yes? Do you need something? Pass you juice? Or maybe water? — She asked. She was currently standing by the cupboards where we placed the microwave, electric kettle and coffee maker, making herself some tea. She once said that it was her favorite green tea with lemongrass, imported straight from Germany. It sounded delicious, but when she shared the drink with me one time, I couldn't taste it. It's strange how sickness weakens us, making us cry over something so trivial, but I only really cried that day because I really wanted to feel the real taste of this tea, and in fact I didn't feel anything. We are then so defenseless and weak that we can cry because we are not able to prepare even a small sandwich ourselves, we feel weak, less valuable, we don't want someone to take care of us 24/7. It's humiliating and distressing, especially if you used to be as active as I was: going to the gym, dancing, singing, climbing trees and fences, doing parkour, skateboarding and swimming, and now you need someone's shoulder to lean on when you go to the toilet. It was humiliating, although healthy people, until they themselves became ill, didn't realize what the real reasons behind the decisions to refuse treatment were. Sometimes we say no because we already know what it entails, we know we're going to suffer, we know we're going to become unbearable grumps, even if we used to be cheerful, playful people. We know it will hurt, we know there will be sleepless nights, that every meal will taste like paper, we know that our hair will fall out and we will steer clear of every mirror so as not to look at what is left of a once strong man. And we refuse because we don't want to go through it again. We refuse because we are afraid. Sometimes it is easier to come to terms with our own death than to accept the suffering that awaits us if we choose treatment.
But then we look at someone next to us and we realize that we don't want to hurt that person, we are able to take on any suffering as long as the person next to us doesn't have to suffer - if that's not love then I don't know what is .
— No, I wanted to talk to you about something — I replied, wondering what the easiest way to put it into words would be for her to understand without making her sad or frightened. I remember once she showed me a poem she wrote one night when she couldn't sleep and lay alone in her bed in her room, hugging her pillow and imagining that she had a friend to hug and comfort her. I also fought for her. If she didn't give up, neither could I, especially since I had the falcon of many people who would be hurt by my death. Like Khao or Annie or even Off and Gun my friends.
Maybe one day you'll look back at our pics.
Maybe you'll read old conversations
And then you'll think
How brave your friend was.
When she was fighting
Because she felt it's he not she.
When she got lost and scared
On the way to success.
When „he“ was not even an option.
When she heard she's biggest disappointment for her parents.
Will you look back in time at me?
Will you be proud of how far I went?
Or will you be disappointed that it was me to call you my best friend?
I wish I knew answers sooner.
I wish I wasn't making mistakes.
Wanted to be better, to be stronger.
With tears in eyes planning how to die.
You were always here for me,
But I was too broken to tell you the truth.
Didn't wanted to trust anyone,
I was afraid I'd get hurt again.
Never perfect, never even close to be good enough.
Scared of tomorrow,
Scared of what's to come.
I don't want to wake up anymore.
Because this pain inside me is killing me.
And it won't stop.
With teary eyes, broken heart, lost dreams I still loved you as much as I could.
If I selfishly die one day
Please, forgive me.
Didn't mean to hurt you.
But I was hurting myself.
I wanted to be surrounded by people
But I was scared of them.
I hated being alone
But didn't have courage to talk to anyone.
Fighting all alone.
I'm tired.
With my head full of thoughts.
I'd rather be a ghost.
So let me go.
If you really even loved me,
Today let me go.
I'm selfish I know.
Asking you for this may hurt.
But bestie, I loved you enough to stay till today.
I loved you and fought,
Because I didn't wanted to hurt you.
Today I'm just tired of years which passed away.
I snapped out of my thoughts as she sat at the table across from me, spooning tea in her favorite unicorn mug with the words "I don't believe in hoomans" on it.
— About what?
— Are you going to tell me what you dreamed about and why you called Fluke the Grim Reaper?
— So I said it out loud?
— Yes.
— First... I'm sorry. I must have woken you up.
— I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't. Tell me, you'll feel a little better if you tell someone.
That night, instead of Khao, Annie accompanied me. She had just returned from Poland, and since Perth had not arrived yet, she offered to keep me company by letting Khao go back to his home and get some rest. Her behavior in the last hours was a cause for concern for me. It reminded me of the scenes we played with Khaotung. Did she have nightmares too?
— I dreamed about Fluke. He looked good and healthy, had beautiful, shining wings, and his role was to lead souls from our world to their destinations. Lately I have dreams a lot where I am a boy, sometimes my name is Song, sometimes Sorn, sometimes Mek, many times in these dreams I see terrible things. I once dreamed that my little finger was tied with a red thread to the little finger placed in a boy's coffin. If you've watched Until We Meet Again, you'll know what I'm talking about. I keep dreaming of a narrow corridor, a classroom, a square in front of some university building. In these dreams I often see myself dying, but like I said, I'm a boy then and sometimes I have a brother and sometimes I don't.
— Maybe it's nothing? Maybe your dreams are caused by you worrying too much about the task entrusted to you? Especially now, with Fluke dead, it must be damn hard for you.
— Well... I feel there's something else to it. I need to know everything about these three: Sorn, Song and Mek. I just don't know where to start.
— Ask P'Mark for help, he's a detective, he should be able to do something about it. Maybe it will help you search through the old archives and maybe you will find the people you are looking for there?
— Ooh! That I hadn't thought of that either! Thank you! You're irreplaceable! Yes, that's a very good idea. I'm calling Mark. — Annie smiled gratefully at me. I looked away as she took a few steps to the side to calmly talk on the phone with the detective. I was curious what would come of it. If I were healthy, I'd probably at least do some searching through the archives of old newspapers myself. I suspected that if it was a double suicide, as Annie had said, it must have had a lot of resonance among the people of Bangkok. Annie said she was definitely referring to Bangkok, but the capital of our country is huge, how do you find that one particular story in such chaos? I was skeptical that it would even work.
Before Annie went to meet P'Mark, we sat down quietly and wrote down what we already knew on pieces of paper in a notebook.
Names/Nicknames: Sorn, Song or Sing, Mek, P'Squirrel.
Age: about 18-20 years old.
Time of events: 1980s or 1990s according to the calendar used in Poland.
Location: Bangkok, old cemetery, university, private apartment.
The most important event: possibly a double suicide.
The reason: the homosexual relationship of two boys: Mek and Song/Sing, which is not accepted by their relatives.
I thought it still wasn't enough information, but Annie assured me that P'Mark could handle it. I would gladly get involved in this cause, and so I spent whole days in the hospital mostly sleeping or trying to get through another day. My only entertainment was friends visiting me, but I was often lonely. New, Annie, Saint, and Khao spent as much time with me as they could, but even they couldn't give me their full attention, they also had to work. I regretted not being able to attend Fluke's funeral. I didn't know him very well, he worked for a completely different label than me, but the death of someone like that shook me. Annie, who shared everything she knew with me, told me that they initially suspected Boun of murdering a friend, which led to Ohm wanting to avenge his lover and shooting Boun. However, as time went on, new evidence came to light. The police found Prem and questioned him. Prem, devastated by the death of his friend, told about the recordings of conversations between Boun and P'Sky. Apparently, Boun has been looking for evidence of our boss's criminal activities for a long time.
* * *
After I was out of the hospital finally after last check-up, I visited friends at the hotel and P'Mark gathered us all in the conference room. Each of us had bottles of water in front of us, cans of RedBull (it turned out that Pierre arranged the entire delivery of this energy drink), and on the desk where P'Mark was sitting there was a large basket filled with various fruits. The tables, resembling school desks, were arranged in four columns of six in a row. There were two chairs at each bench. White and pink orchids grew on the sill of each window in colorful pots with rainbow flags stuck into the ground. Dusk was falling slowly outside the window. Outside the door, we could hear other hotel guests discussing, the monotonous, not very loud hum of the vacuum cleaner in the next room, and our own conversations among ourselves.
— Describe to me everything P'Sky did to you — P'Mark asked us. He handed us blank sheets of paper and pens, instructed us to fill in our personal details at the top, then sat down at his desk and watched us carefully. It felt like a test at school. In addition to me and Khaotung, there were others in the room who were victims of P'Sky and agreed to testify, including Kaownah, Singto, Cooheart, Saint, Off, Gun, Zee, NuNew, Cooper, Max, and Annie. — The police will talk to each of you later, so you must be prepared for that.
— What about Ohm? Are we allowed to mention him? — New asked.
New was sitting in the third row, right behind me, so I couldn't see him, but I could hear him perfectly well.
— Yes, you can write about it. Ohm will probably be exonerated anyway, as we now know that by the time Perth took him from Boun's house, Boun had already been dead for over an hour. My trusted forensic man confirmed they have a witness and phone records between Boun and P'Sky. He won't get away this time, so you don't have to worry about anything anymore.
I bent over my piece of paper, and after a moment's thought, I began to write. I described every little detail. I mentioned that P'Sky once visited me on the set of The Eclipse because someone told him I was spending "too much time with Khaotung." He then threatened me that if I wasn't more obedient, he would talk to the right people so that I would never get another part, not even in a commercial. As a warning, he pushed me down the stairs, making me fall on my hand. This led to the fracture of the bone. None of the cast dared to help me at that time, they were all too scared, they were worried about themselves. Only Khaotung cared about me. It was then that he decided to leave work first, walk away and wait for me in one of the side streets, and then take me to the hospital for an X-ray.
I looked over my shoulder at the notes of Khaotung sitting next to me and saw that he was describing another event, which was the day P'Sky came to tell us that after the promotion of our only show together we will never play in anything together again and it isn't allowed to accept the role if the other of us is already starring in the series or movie. It was a blow below the belt because I got along perfectly with Khaotung, we had no major problems playing even the more intimate scenes, I just felt more comfortable in his company. And when Khao asked how we were going to explain everything to the fans, P'Sky replied that his PR specialists had already prepared a story for us, according to which the fans were responsible for destroying our friendship. I couldn't even find the right words to describe how much this proposal hurt us! We were furious! We spent the night at the bar of one of our mutual friends, mostly drinking and cursing P'Sky. In this case, my illness turned out to be a kind of ironic blessing, because it saved us from having to use the lie that disgusted us so much. Khao in his description did not leave a dry thread on our former boss.
“P'Sky came to us and told us that we would have to break off our friendship. I was ready to cooperate, I knew that as a public figure I had to accept that my public image would be different from who I really am, and while I didn't like having to lie to my fans, I was willing to take any risk, because I no longer cared only about my or First's career, but about the safety of both of us. P'Sky is great at intimidating his subordinates, manipulating people, blackmailing us. You will be able to find the voice recording from that day on the flash drive attached to my statement. In case you don't recognize our voices, in addition to me and First, you can also hear P'Sky and his private bodyguard named Bird. When we found out what story we were going to present to the viewers, we were nervous, but I hope that when we explain everything to you, you will understand our point, because P'Sky demanded something from us that went against our conscience, with how we stayed brought up and what we considered the most important values in life. P'Sky put together a scandal story for us, in which our fans were to play the biggest role, and according to which this supposed "shipping" of me and First was supposed to lead to a situation where we both felt uncomfortable in each other's company. We didn't want to lie like that.
We didn't want to deceive our fans, much less say they ruined our friendship, because that wasn't true. The fans are the driving force for us, and how warmly they welcomed us together in the series, it only gave us reasons to be happy. We didn't mind being shipped."
— Hey, you're forgetting about me — I interrupted his writing by nudging his shoulder.
— Huh? — Khaotung looked as if he didn't know what I meant.
— Don't you remember when I told you I didn't want them to ship us because I didn't want P'Sky to know?
— You didn't want it because of him, not because it bothered you — Khaotung explained to me calmly. Well, he was an expert in knowing about the feelings of those around him. I know because I felt exactly the same. The fact that people wanted to see us as a real couple seemed cute and kind of funny, but I also knew that P'Sky wouldn't be happy about it.
— Indeed, you're right. I didn't think about it.
— You see? I guess you should be glad you have someone like me at your disposal, I'm irreplaceable! — Khao puffed out his chest proudly, patting it with his hand. I wanted to laugh. Khao always knew how to make me smile. He was my strength. And although I didn't realize it, I loved him for a very long time, maybe even from the very beginning, but the difficult life in the BL industry caused me to push these thoughts to the bottom of my subconscious, afraid of being punished or worse, Khaotung will pay for me.
What Khao wrote was true. Stripped of all hypocrisy, stripped of beautiful robes of lies, pure, sad truth that hurt, but also liberated, brought freedom and a sense of justice. P'Sky wanted the fans to turn their back on us, so he made up that story, but we felt terrible just thinking about it. We didn't want to blame anything on the people who supported us almost selflessly, for whom just being around us was something wonderful, people who cheered us on and were our reason to keep doing what we were doing and endure all P'Sky's whims a, just to provide our fans with entertainment at the highest level. I hated the idea because it portrayed us as ungrateful, arrogant, selfish celebrities who blame others for our own failures. We weren't like that. Both me and Khaotung have had different screen partners before and it's never been a problem. We didn't understand why it should be any different this time.
P'Sky is a monster and a killer. He is a criminal who deserves a punishment that would allow him to fully feel what he himself did to his victims. When we found out that all the hints and physical evidence pointed to him personally taking Fluke's life, which ultimately led to the arrest of this monster, we were furious with ourselves for our first impulse to believe that Boun had murdered friend in cold blood. It was Prem's testimony that revealed something that put an end to all speculation. It was P'Sky who made Zee and Saint break off their friendship, and he wanted to do the same to me and Khaotung. It was P'Sky who was blackmailing P'Zee, telling him that if he disobeyed, New Chawarin would pay for it with his life. He was the one who forced P'Aof to lie about the relationships between his charges. It was P'Sky who ordered Cooper to photograph the other actors to catch them doing something that could easily be sold to the press as hot news, gossip that readers and viewers would easily swallow. It was P'Sky who forbade Joong and Dunk from auditioning for a series shot at the behest of AlphaTauri. It was P'Sky who pushed me down the stairs, causing me a serious injury and forbidding my crew members to help me. And our fans did nothing wrong and deserved an explanation, so we collectively decided by vote to reveal the whole truth about P'Sky's behavior and the rules of the BL business.
* * *
Two hours later, we finally left the conference room and walked slowly side by side, wandering aimlessly through the hotel corridor. Khao had his room not far from here, where he stayed while working on the series. Fortunately, this work was coming to an end, Khaotung and NuNew had only to shoot the music video for the OST of our series. It was Annie who decided that she wanted them to sing together. Win and Bright were to accompany them to their long-scheduled performance at the concert, which was to take place exactly two days after the last episode aired. Daria, who replaced Darcy at Annie and Pierre's request (at first I was confused by both because they had similar names, but Annie quickly corrected me by informing me that Daria was her best friend and Darcy was the one Pierre had sent to working on the series so she can't create any conspiracies against him and Yuki) managed to negotiate an important clause in the contract with Netflix that allowed fans to watch the series on all possible streaming platforms, and additionally allowed us to share our viewers' posts on our Instagram accounts, that impressed us in some way. Annie and Daria encouraged us to interact more with our fans through social media. Both said it was the best way to show fans how grateful we are to them for being with us and supporting us. To find me something to do, they delegated me to browse Instagram and TikTok, ordering me to send the better posts to those of us who were concerned, and then the person was to browse them and, if they liked them, share them. I liked this idea very much and it allowed me to forget for a moment about the loneliness that I often felt when no one was visiting me, and such moments also happened.
Unexpectedly, Khao stopped and grabbed my hand, then said something that literally rooted me to the ground, or rather into the lime-colored floor under our feet, the color of which only now seemed a bit unusual to me.
— I promise you that we will both be happy again — Khaotung said to me, smiling softly. — Let's do what some people do in books or movies: let's make a deal that if we're still unmarried at thirty, we'll marry each other.
— Crazy. — I laughed. I tapped him lightly on the forehead. Khaotung was very funny and cute, but then... Could it be that simple? Did he just offer it to me? It's like he's had it on his mind for a long time!
— But why not? You think that's a bad idea? Besides, I'm sure by the time you're thirty you'll have not only a wife, but also a child, a cat and a dog. — He said cheerfully, though when I looked at him, his face looked rather tired. Was he hiding something from me again?
— Khao, tell me the truth. If you want to be my husband, just tell me, give me a few days and we'll be married.
— Huh?! — Why the same shocked expression again? Did I say something weird?
— Come on? I can see you're into me. — I winked at him, smiling as seductively as I could. He rolled his eyes, tilting his head to the side. He looked really cute! I felt like kissing his cheeks, teasing him.
— I'm not into you? — He asked uncertainly, as if he was trying to convince himself more than me. It was super cute too. His eyes betrayed more than he thought. He was a great actor, but not that great. I've known him too long to fall for it.
— No, not at all, you're just proposing marriage to me. — I decided to make fun of him, putting on a very serious face. The problem is... He wasn't joking!
— You rather me! Besides... you're just talking like that... You're only talking...
— Seriously?! Am I only talking like that? You think I wouldn't? Want to find out?
— Come on. Try it. You won't do it, I know you won't. You don't want to marry me. hmmm? — He was clearly challenging me, and I? Well... Sometimes I do/say something first and think later.
— We will see! Wait for me in our room, I'll be back in half an hour! — I ordered him and went in search of Annie. Now only she could help me and figure out how to extricate myself from what had started as an innocent prank between two best friends. Man, I didn't expect Khaotung to take it so seriously. Or was he just joking? What should I do?!
Annie wasn't hard to find, she was still sitting at one of the benches in the conference room. I approached her and asked for a moment of conversation, during which I told her what I had just gotten myself into.
— So you're telling me that Khaotung really wants to marry you? — She made sure by putting the peeled orange aside.
— Or he's making stupid jokes, although... It reminds me too much of Off and Gun's situation, only it was for the good of the child back then, Off wasn't sure if he could raise a child alone, and there's no child here, and I was just joking! I really didn't think he would take it so seriously! We've already talked about it, he claimed he didn't feel anything for me! Had he suddenly changed his mind?
— What do you prefer to hear? The truth or what you expect?
I hesitated. Normally, anyone in this situation would probably choose to hear the truth, wouldn't they? But for me it wasn't that simple. The truth could be painful, hard to swallow, it could lead to a deterioration of my relationship with the only person who has been by my side for the past six years. Could I afford it? I already sensed what might be behind the answer "truth," and I'd be a bloody liar and a fool if I said I wasn't afraid.
— Tell me the truth.
— Khao wasn't joking.
— So, anyway... — I sighed, but then came to my senses. — Wait a minute. How do you know?
— I talked with him. First, I know you're in shock right now and maybe you need time, but... Ask him to tell you the same thing he already told me, and then you'll understand.
— But... Annie, you tell me. Just in case, in case Khaotung doesn't want to say anything, please… — I folded my hands together pleadingly.
— I'll tell you something that might help you a little. Do you know why he hasn't told you the truth about his feelings yet? Not because he wanted to lie to you and not because he was afraid of losing a friend. He told me he'd do it when you were healthy, when he was sure you weren't making any decisions under pressure. Khao didn't want you to tell him how you feel because you're dying and you're afraid you won't get another chance. He wants you to tell him when you're ready. He believes you will recover.
— Wait... Does that mean he knows how I feel about him?
— Well... Who doesn't know? I guess only NuNew still thinks you guys are like brothers. But don't worry about him, he's so in love with Zee and his job that he doesn't pay attention to anything else. He probably wouldn't even notice if you handed him a wedding invitation. Nu is living in his own world now, and I'm not surprised at all. Love is a fascinating feeling.
— Hey! You just pointed out to me that I'm the last person to realize my feelings for Khao! I'm mad at you.
— I'm mad at you too! Okay, enough talking with me, go to Khao and talk. Now that your health is improving, I think it's time for you two to discuss this with each other. AND! And I've got something you should give him. — Annie rummaged in her purse, and after a very short time, she pulled out a small red box.
— Annie... Is this what I'm thinking?
— Exactly. I sensed that it might come in handy, I asked Khao a bit, he told me what exactly he wanted and I went to the jeweler myself, I'm telling you, choosing this one was great fun for me and Daria! In fact, we talked to him through the camera on the phone and showed him all the possible variants. — She handed me a box and I opened it. To my amazement, it was clear that there should have been two rings, but there was only one not-so-ordinary gold ring with the letters F and K engraved on either side of a rather large ruby set on rose petals. I showed it to my friend and she smiled slyly — Khao has another one. Come on, go see him before we have a heart attack here.
Out of curiosity, I typed in the search engine on my phone "what does a ruby symbolize?" The answer I got did not surprise me at all.
“The meaning of ruby is very broad. It is a stone of mystics and wizards. A symbol of strength and power, love and desire. The red color of ruby has been associated with fiery feelings and unquenchable desire for centuries, which is why this stone is increasingly adorning engagement rings.”
"Khao!!! You crazy man!!!” — I thought with amusement.
Annie chased me away, but I didn't blame her. For some unknown reason, my heart was beating dangerously fast and loud. It didn't bode well. I slowed down to get some air. I was used to such effort and now even such a short walk from the conference room on the ground floor to the room also on the ground floor where the Khaotung lived was very exhausting. This only showed me how weak I am. I was afraid the pain would keep me from getting to our apartment. Fortunately, Perth had just left the room. He saw me crouching against the wall, grabbing my T-shirt around my heart, and stopped to ask if I was okay.
— It's ok, I just forgot that I don't have the fitness I had before the disease — I admitted sadly. I hated asking people for help, but now I had no choice. — Perth? Can you help me go to room 008?
— Sure, no problem.
Perth let me lean on his arm and slowly led me where I had directed him. He looked genuinely worried.
— I'll be fine — I consoled him as we reached the door. — Thanks.
— Okie. Look after yourself. Good luck.
— Good luck to you too — I replied, and crossed the threshold into the room. Khao paced nervously back and forth around the room, holding in front of him sheets of paper that I guessed were the lyrics of the songs he was about to record. At first he didn't notice that he had company. After a good minute, he looked up and froze.
— Khao... we need to talk.
— Yes, yes, I know we must.
— Marry me. I'm serious. I was talking to Annie and I realized something. I don't want to wait until I'm 30 and be afraid that someone will take you from under my nose. It may not be as simple as it looks in our series that we play, but... I want to be with you. You'll admit we're good together. You took care of me all this time, now I want to take care of you. I want to be someone who will always be waiting for you at home. I want to be with you forever. I want to cheer you on when you go to the next castings, I want to always wake up and see you next to me. I'm sorry I was a moron who didn't understand my own feelings.
— B-but...
— There is not any „but“. You were right when you said it wasn't my will that I hated fans who would ship us together. I don't see anything wrong with that, I ship First and Khaotung myself. When I talked about marriage, I was joking for a while, but then I realized that this is what I want. But I don't want to plan anything or wait long for it. Fluke and Ohm planned and waited, and see, they didn't see the day when they could call each other husbands. Khao, I know I love you, I've known it for a long time. So if you love me too, why wait?
— I... — Khao hid his face in his hands, and I took the opportunity to show him the box with the beautiful gold ring. I got down on one knee right in front of him.
— Khao, what's your answer? Relax, you don't have to answer me now, if you need time, tell me, I'll give you as much as you need.
— I don't need time, I need you — He whispered, looking up and looking me straight in the eye, and I realized what an idiot I had been until now. I had someone by my side who did everything for me: looked after me, drove me to the hospital, helped me change and bathe, read me books when I was too weak and tired to do it myself, told me everything that he kept me company, even tried to cook so I wouldn't starve to death.
He was my friend, he listened to everything I had to say, he never forgot my birthday, he always cheered and motivated me, he made even the most difficult goals easier to achieve. I will never find a better partner for life, no matter how I search. In the hospital, when others visited me, I was always waiting for him anyway, it was his face that I wanted to see, it was his voice that I wanted to hear. Sometimes it was enough for him to just hold my hand when I was scared or sleep with me and hold me when I had nightmares. And when he couldn't do it all himself, he enlisted the help of Annie, Zee, NuNew, and Saint.
— Okay, okay, so... We're engaged now, right? — I asked as he held out his hand in a funny but sweet gesture, clearly expecting me to slide the ring onto his finger.
— Not yet.
— No? What? How is it?
— Oh, it's simply — He replied, then took an identical ring from his pocket and reached for my hand. He put it on me. He looked me in the eye, lifted my hand up and kissed the top of it. — We're just engaged now.
— Great — I replied and leaned in slightly to kiss him on the cheek. I wanted to cry with joy. The feelings I had been hiding for the last few years were so easily reciprocated! And I was so afraid!
— Let's keep it a secret for now, okay? — Khaotung suggested, clasping our hands together and examining them as if they were the eighth wonder of the world. — I don't want what happened with Ohm and Fluke.
— It's not going to happen, P'Sky is already in prison, we don't have to be afraid anymore. Besides... Annie already knows, and if she knows, Perth must too, for the two of them are inseparable. We don't have to be afraid anymore, you know? Nothing bad will happen again. Don't you think we've run out of bad luck?
— Whoops! Sorry, old habit. Okay, we can even tell our fans.
— Are you serious?! — I exclaimed.
— Yes, but we'll do it when it's all over so no one can interrupt us.
— I love you, you know? Do you have any idea how long I've waited to tell you this? — I asked. And it was true. Although I didn't realize it.
— Oh, I guess I waited longer. — He began to argue with me. He touched my cheek with his hand. — I certainly waited longer.
— Impossible. I've been waiting for this since we recorded our first scene together — I said.
Khaotung led me to the bed, on the edge of which we sat down, still holding hands. It was a great feeling.
— Then you lost, because I knew from the first time we met.
— You're not serious!
— I am completely serious. I'm surprised you didn't notice anything. Why do you think P'Sky didn't want to give us any series to record together?
— Wait... Did P'Sky know?
— I'm not sure, but I think he might have suspected something. I didn't want you to get in trouble for it, and I didn't believe you could return my feelings, so I hid it.
— Oh Khao... — I sighed and spread my arms wide. — Hold me tight and never let go of your arms again.
— It's okay, I promise — He replied, cuddling into me. The warmth of his body, his closeness, his presence in my life, his positive attitude towards life - it was just what I needed most. In return, I could give him all of me, with all my good and bad memories, with my crazy sense of humor, I could give him care and always open arms for him, in which he could snuggle when he felt tired.
When Khao pulled away from me and got up from the bed, I held my hand out in front of me and stared at the ring on my finger for a long time in disbelief. It seemed so unreal and amazing, like from a fairy tale or a dream. Even if it's just a dream, I don't want to wake up. Is this what heaven looks like?
— I have something for you. — Khaotung walked over to the bed where I was lying on my back holding a book above my head and trying to concentrate on reading. I looked up from the book and looked at him. He handed me a piece of paper written in English. — I wrote it while you were in the hospital.
I put the paper in front of my eyes and started reading.
Let life break you.
Allow yourself tears.
Allow yourself to feel powerless.
You don't have to be strong all the time.
Don't hide your pain from me.
Open your eyes and see that I'm right here beside you.
Don't run away from me.
You don't have to love me.
Just let me be close.
Let me show you what love is.
I'll create a home for you.
I'll build it from warmth, care and longing.
I'll paint the walls with the colors of the rainbow.
I'll teach you to dance in the rain.
You don't have to love me now.
As long as you don't push me away.
You know how many times I've had my heart broken,
Don't be the next one to break it again.
Don't push away my hand.
I promise I'll leave if you get tired of me.
For now, let me look into your eyes.
Let me try to light a fire between us.
I promise I'll always find you.
Wherever you go, take me with you.
And if by chance you fall in love with me...
You'll make me the happiest man in the world.
If you're scared, tell me about it.
'Cause I'm falling in love with you all over again every day.
Before you came along, I didn't know I could love like this.
Today I'm strong because of you.
I'll be over the moon
If you just give me a chance.
I only want to love you.
I won't tell my heart to stop.
Hold my hand.
If I lose everything and still have you, I have lost nothing.
When I finished reading, I felt my heart melt. I looked at him tenderly. He was lying next to me with his head on my stomach. He closed his eyes as if he were sleeping, but I was sure he wasn't. I slid my fingers through his hair: it was so soft and pleasant to the touch and smelled so good. I noticed that she looked much better, healthier than when we first met Annie. I touched the colored cap on my head that Annie had given me. She said it was from the shop of her sporting idol, someone who practiced a sport I had never heard of before, called ski jumping. Apparently, this sport was quite popular in Poland, and their best player was Annie's idol, Kamil Stoch.
In the evening I felt worse again. The pain came back, I had no appetite and the food tasted like metal. Khao noticed that my condition had deteriorated a bit, so he decided to accompany me to the shower again. Over the past few weeks, this has almost become our tradition. However, the treatment slowly brought results, which we both enjoyed immensely. Suddenly, a flame of hope ignited in our hearts, and it gradually became bigger and bigger. Jimmy and the other doctors were optimistic.
When I was much younger, I thought it was impossible to fall in love with my own best friend. Back then, I didn't know much about life and love. Sometimes I miss that slightly crazy, loud kid, the troublemaker I used to be. If I could meet my fifteen-year-old self right now, I would say a few words to him: "Don't be afraid First, open your heart. Soon you will meet a boy who will change your life forever. It won't be easy, you'll be punished for being yourself, but you won't give up and you'll get the best reward in the world. Don't listen to people writing hateful comments, because they do it out of envy, because they themselves have never had the courage to start fighting for their own dreams, that's why it bothers them so much to see other people succeed. Few will see your hard work, many will laugh at your dreams, and let it make you stronger. Keep going no matter what you hear about yourself.” That's what I would say to a teenage First. I wonder how he would react? I wonder if he would listen? And how much would that change my fate today?
* * *
Two weeks later...
— Make sure we've got everything.
— We sure do. I've got our IDs and wedding rings, a taxi is waiting outside the house. — Off looked out the window. I walked closer and did the same. Indeed, there was an all-white taxi we had hired earlier, with white and gold ribbons attached to it, and a beautiful bouquet of red and white roses on the front hood. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Hell, who wouldn't be nervous on their wedding day? And we wanted it to be a unique and unforgettable moment. We only hired two photographers and two camera operators, we wanted to have as many best shots as possible from this special day. We didn't invite many guests, mainly our friends and the closest family of Khao.
Off led me to the mirror, fixed my hair (I had a wig, but it was so well groomed that you could hardly tell the difference). Som made sure to paint my realistic eyebrows and add equally natural-looking eyelashes. I was wearing a snow-white suit, a shiny white shirt (the whole set with gold inserts, buttons and seams) and white patent leather shoes. Khao and I agreed that we would wear matching outfits, so he should wear a similar outfit only in inverted colors, i.e. a gold suit and a gold shirt, or a black suit and a white shirt, all with white or gold inserts and buttons.
Off was wearing a light blue suit with a white shirt and a black Louis Vuitton handbag, a gift from Gun, slung over his shoulder. He snapped a photo of us together, which he posted on Instagram, with the caption: "Always on your side, friend, I'm proud of you!". I knew this would only confuse the fans even more, but now I was enjoying it.
"Let them think what they want! Now I'm a free man and I can finally do exactly what I want, not what they force me to do.” I thought and brushed a non-existent dust from my sleeve.
— Ready? — Off asked me.
— Ready — I replied. I've never been more sure of anything than that this is what I want to do. Although the idea itself was the result of my joke, it turned out to be exactly what we needed. I realized that I would not be happier with anyone than with Khao. Before I knew it, he had become much more than just a friend to me. And now I know that even if the disease wins me tomorrow, today is fully mine, this is my moment, this is my time to be happy. This is the first time I don't feel guilty about making a very selfish decision.
As Off led me to the car, I could hardly hold back tears of emotion. Off was one of my closest friends. What brought us closer was that we were both somewhat unhappy in life. Off was an outsider, he didn't like big and lavish parties, preferring to spend time at home, in peace and quiet. Initially, when I met him, I couldn't understand what the hell drove him to audition for BL, he was one of the most straight guys I've ever known! He was also an example of never crossing out your chances based on our guesses. Off starred in the BL series only because his friend assured him it was a good start. Off never knew how to be a celebrity – Gun was the opposite: loud, bold, party-loving, cheerful, charming and 100% gay, together they were an explosive mix. When a staunch opponent of BL series meets someone who actually loves them, there's only one thing you can be sure of: it means war. Gun and Off stood on opposite sides of this barricade, although I wouldn't call Off a homophobe, his behavior resulted from the culture in which he grew up and from ignorance. Besides, I was running from myself too, so I understood his need to hide who he really was. We were afraid that we would not be accepted by society and by our families, by our relatives and friends, we were afraid that they would laugh at us and reject us. We were brought up to believe that anything other than straight relationships is wrong, sick, unforgivable. No one told us it was okay to love someone of the same sex. In an extremely homophobic environment, we have learned to reject our true selves.
But today it's over, we don't have to hide anymore. And I want to tell the whole world about my happiness, I want to share my joy with everyone who is going through what we had to go through. I want to shout out loud to them that they are not alone, that I understand them. I wanted none of them to lose faith and hope that one day they would be as happy as I am now. Illness taught me to enjoy the little things, even though I considered a whole day without a trace of pain a very big thing. And today not only was there no physical pain, no signs of illness... It was a special, wonderful day. That's why I was so happy when Off posted our picture together on InstaStories. I knew we were going to cause a storm, but I also knew it would open the door to an honest, broad discussion about LGBT rights. After all, we also deserve that our partners can receive information about our health, we deserve to be treated the same as straight couples, to have the same rights, we agree to have the same responsibilities .
I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't notice when we got there. Off was the first to get out of the vehicle to come from the other side and open the door for me. He offered me his hand to lean on, for which I was immensely grateful.
A white carpet was spread in front of me, leading to a table placed under a white tent on the beach, behind which the official was already standing, and in front of which the Khaotung was positioned. When I looked at him, it took my breath away. He looked amazing, brilliant. His dark, thick hair was slicked back, allowing one strand to hang loosely next to his right eye. In his ears he wore small earrings with rainbow opals in the shape of hearts. A similar tear-shaped opal was placed in a very inconspicuous pendant on a gold chain. While I had my shirt slightly unbuttoned and showing a bit of skin, he had it buttoned up to the neck. And yet he was wearing a black tuxedo with gold trim and buttons and a white lace shirt.
— I give you my friend, please take good care of him — Off said to Khaotung, extending my hand towards him. Khao laced our fingers together.
— I promise.
What I did for Off two years ago, now he has done for me, the debt has been paid. Two years ago, I was the one who said the exact same words when I brought Gun to his wedding to Off. I will never forget that one week in USA... It was life-changing for me to see, that there are places where you can get married with person you love. History has come full circle. Both Khao and I couldn't stop giving each other brief admiring glances. Now I knew that what I saw in his eyes was a love I didn't expect, a love I thought I didn't deserve. I got more than I could ever dream of. And even though I know we're doing everything in the totally wrong order, I don't mind at all, especially since Annie made me realize that Khao and I had actually been on a lot of dates before, we just didn't call it dating because we didn't know how we feel about each other. However, I had to admit honestly that it was Fluke's death that accelerated our decision so much. But if you love someone, you don't have to wait, and we've known each other for so long that getting married just two weeks after my proposal, which was actually horribly random, didn't seem odd to us.
* * *
We showed hands with wedding rings to the cameras. Flashlights flashed, we heard the sounds of camera shutters being pressed and we couldn't help the wide smiles that spontaneously appeared on our faces. We were accompanied by the sound of waves, the laughter of our friends and the cry of seagulls.
— Khaotung, my husband — I addressed him for the first time using this form. It was so weird to call him that for the very first time! My husband, Khaotung is my husband!
— I'm listening, baby — He replied, and I felt genuine butterflies in my stomach.
— Do you think we should let the fans know?
— Hmmmmmmm... Let me think about it. — Khaotung pretended to really think about it. — So... After very, very deep thought, I think that... — Here he made a dramatic pause, which made me laugh even more. — Er... I find that a pretty good idea.
He took his phone out of his pocket, which didn't surprise me at all. Nowadays, man has never parted with only one thing: mobile phone. Khao set up the camera function in the Instagram app, and when I approached him to pose, he gave me a peck on the cheek, reminding me of a certain scene from the show we were on together. Only this time it wasn't Akk and Ayan, but First and Khaotung who were standing in front of the camera. We both showed the rings on our fingers again. I was curious about the reaction of the fans: how will they receive us? Will they understand? Or will they think it's a scene from another show? What if they reject us?
Well, I couldn't help it, so I decided not to worry about something I had no control over. All that mattered was that the person I loved was standing next to me, and that this person was ready to spend the rest of my life with me, even if my life would be very short. I'm not going to regret anything anymore. I want to live. I want to live for myself and for Khao and for all those people who are on our side.
This time it was me who gave him a piece of paper folded in four, hidden in a pale pink envelope. He opened it in front of us, took out my short poem, and began to read it aloud.
I look at you.
I realize that I love your smile.
You were here all the time.
I didn't understand that.
Maybe I was blind.
But today you hold my hand.
I don't want to ever say goodbye.
You've been with me so long time.
Hold me tight.
It's nothing wrong to love a man.
We used to think we were something wrong.
With anxiety welcomed every new day.
But today you're here with me.
I can't believe.
I call myself „lucky“.
How did I deserve treasure that I got in you?
When I was sick, you took care of me.
When I was tired, you let me rest on your arm.
When I was sad, you brought back my smile.
Whenever I needed you, you always came to me.
Today I'll marry you.
I used to think it was wrong.
But today I know it's called love.
Love if pure and sincere is never wrong.
So please, never let go of my hand.
Stay by me.
Because all I need is the oxygen named you.
Today I'll marry my best friend.
And God only know why do I feel so happy.
I want to stay close to you,
So I can look into your eyes.
I want to hear your voice forever.
You're my happiness, you're my paradise.
Never thought I deserve all the love and warmth you give me.
I'm such a lucky boy.
I asked the stars and they gave you to me.
You're my best friend.
You're my lover.
You're my soulmate.
And nothing more counts,
If you hold me in your arms.
You're my bravery and lucky charm.
Everything I needed, everything I dreamed about.
Let me shout these words,
That I keep inside for so long.
I love you!
I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I'll continue to love you tomorrow.
And when I looked at him, I was bursting with pride. I fell in love with my friend, someone I always thought would be just a friend. Forced to hide my true personality, I hid my feelings even from him. I didn't believe he could return my feelings. I had many dreams about us, but I tried not to imagine too much or have high expectations: I didn't want to be hurt or rejected again.
Finally, we sat down to the feast, which was only symbolic to me, since I still had no taste for the food, New and Zee came out to the center of the table, onto a white-painted platform where Bright and Nanon were already seated on white cloth-covered chairs with guitars in front of them and began to sing. Right next to the beach there was a hotel rented by Perth for us, where we were supposed to spend our first night as spouses. I guess it still hasn't hit me. Khao rested his head on my shoulder and listened to his friends' voices and music. Perth asked Annie to dance. Mixxiw and Earth swayed in sync to the music, sitting side by side. I couldn't have dreamed of anything more beautiful.
Before we organized this rushed wedding (let's face it, our names mean a lot and our fans are literally everywhere ready to help us), I asked Annie if it was okay to throw the wedding so soon after our colleagues died.
— Don't worry about it, First. Your wedding sends a good message to all people like us. The world needs love, especially now, it needs a good example, some signal from people who are universally liked. In this way you show that love always wins. That love can overcome prejudice.
When Bright, Nanon, New and Zee finished their performance, we rewarded them with thunderous applause and then headed to the hotel to finish the fun. There, a delicious-looking, white, double-decker cake was waiting for us, decorated with edible flowers, on top of which candles in the shape of the letters F and K were placed.
In the end, I couldn't help but cry like a beaver as our friends toasted us and when Saint played a video of us that he had made himself. It wasn't until watching this video that I realized that what was between us had been visible for a long time, only the two of us were too intimidated to accept it. How in such a short time they managed to collect all the recordings and photos that were combined into one video, I don't know, but I was incredibly grateful to them for it.
— What that look means? Do you want to kiss or kill me?
— It's your turn to figure it out, isn't it?
— Don't play with my feelings like that.
— Why?
— Because you may get punished for this.
— Oh, sweet, I can't wait.
— I love you, you little brat.
— Love you too, big superstar.
— I'm not a superstar.
— Not yet, but soon — I answered and finally let myself kiss this beautiful and handsome man, who became my husband. Even if for me tomorrow world would end, I'd die happy because I've had the best husband and my best friend as husband. He is the love of my life. I would promise him the moon, and if I wouldn't be able to give him actual moon, I'd create one from paper and give it to him. Because there's nothing more preciuos in this world for me than the person who's holding me very thightly right now. My best friend, my friend who decided to marry me. Someone who's been with me whole this time. My little guardian angel. Being in love with him, even if I'd have to pay the highest price for it, is worth it. My little boo!
I couldn't stop staring at him.
For today I knew we gave our best.
Listening to the waves of sea, our friends' voices and quiet music was like the best therapy.
„All the world could disappear,
I just need you near“
***
I can promise you the moon,
I can do whatever to be with you.
Till the death do us part.
Let's be together.
Happier than ever.
Enjoy every little moment as long as it lasts.
Before the night will come.
Dark and lonely.
You're here with me,
So I'm not afraid anymore.
Your hand in mine is enough to make me brave.
This courage is all I need.
Please take care of me.
I'm not strong enough today.
I'm bleeding, dying on my knees
And you come to save me.
One more time.
Will it be wrong
If I ask if I can kiss you?
Should I be afraid to ask?
I don't want to be afraid to ask.
One last time.
Before everything gets dark and sad.
Freeze the time.
Take a pictures of us now.
Cry over them later.
Because maybe we were not supposed to be something.
In your eyes I see the fire I feel inside me.
You're burning down all the bridges.
There won't be way back.
You know that
Babe you know.
Don't pretend to be stupid.
Don't be afraid to ask me for anything.
I can't give you the moon
But I can die for you if you ask me to.
💜💙💔🇵🇱😍🤩🤪😉🥺🤗🤣❤️😂😅😜🤪😭😬🥰💙😍✨🤩👏🥶💔💜👀🇵🇱🤦🏻♀️🧥👋🙈🦒🤔🦖🦕🍑😃😆🙏👌😄
From the author!!!
Maybe a chapter from outer space, but ... After all, it's fiction, it's supposed to be beautiful, charming and pleasant to read, right?
I wrote this chapter for... 5 days!!! And it has over 10,000 words!
How do you feel after this chapter?
Have you watched "The Eclipse"? I've already watched it twice, yesterday was the second time and I still can't forgive Thua for what he did... I mean... How could he be such an asshole?! Yes, his actions in the end produced exactly what he expected, which was that everyone was forced to tell the truth, but if it wasn't just a fictional story, it probably would have ended much worse...
Okay, I'm not saying anything anymore, but if you liked it, then... Leave a star and/or comment and/or recommend this story to your friends, ha ha ha. — I sound a bit like an Adventurer (such a pretty cool YouTuber, I recommend him, he has a great voice, I love listening to him!), because I also learned it from him.
Bye!