October 27th, 2020
As I had expected, Heeseung had been ignored me for the past week since I had been drunk. I wish it didnt hurt so much. It's not like I've had much of a chance to see him anyway, work wise we arent doing much.
Besides all we have really done is work on choreos for b-sides. I think I'll just buy a few drinks to stock up for a few days. Maybe have a huge celebration alone for our debut.
Otherwise I've been slumped in my bed, still as a rock. Taking long silent showers for an hour or two every night was the most exciting part of the day. That's sad to even think about.
I felt more like crying everyday. I'm so tired I cant do this anymore. I dont have the energy or mental capacity to handle anything. I think that's why I like being drunk.
It gives an escape. I think that's what's so dangerous. I just dont care anymore really. I slowly got up, slouching. I stepped down the stairs and rummaged through my dresser.
I put on legging and a big sweatshirt. This is fine enough. I've washed all my clothes so I had better outfits but theres no need for it. I got a small bag to put my wallet and phone in.
With that I put my shoes on and was out the door. I purposely closed my door loudly then I leaned against it waiting for Heeseung to come out of his own dorm.
He never walked out. I heard talking from in their dorm but no footsteps approaching the door. Why did I want Heeseung to walk out so bad? Maybe he didnt hear the door.
I opened my door again and closed it after a few seconds so it didnt seem suspicious. Finally did footsteps slowly start to approach the door after a few seconds. I quickly bolted halfway down the hall so it didnt seem weird that I was just sitting infront of my door.
The door opened followed by fast feet approaching me. I spun around in surprise to see Jay instead. He grabbed my shoulders and stopped me. "Jeongmi. I can just tell by your eyes where you are going." Jay spoke rather quick.
I frowned trying to escape his grip. "No Jeongmi. I'm not allowing you to do that to yourself." Jay stated clearly, holding me in place. I think he forgot but I'm old enough to decide what I want to do.
I pushed him away gently and quickly began to walk down to the elevator. "Fine I'll get Heeseung." Jay said, turning around and running back into their dorm. I waited by the elevator for a while, not pressing any buttons.
Eventually Heeseung came rushing out looking angry. I couldnt be shocked by his emotions but I sure was nervous. The moment he got close enough he grabbed my arm tightly. "How many goddamn times must I tell you that enough is enough?! Stop this shit!" He snapped furiously.
He was livid. I was surely shocked by his tone, my eyes widening as I tried to back away but Heeseung was holding on real tight. His grip honestly hurt. I deeply regret trying to get him out here.
I just want to see the sweet him. If this is what I have to go through to see that side of him then fine. Something about him being sweet was like drugs, I couldnt get enough of it.
I tried to pull his hand off but couldnt. "I'm serious Jeongmi. We havent even debuted yet and you're going to ruin it for yourself and the rest of us." Heeseung hissed rather quietly. His words hit hard.
I fumbled while pulling out my phone. I've never typed so fast in my life. "Its only on break I promise. I have no reason to ruin any of your careers and unlike you I dont have friends Heeseung. I need something to pass time." Then I showed him with a shaky hand.
Heeseung was taken aback, letting go of my arm. I waited for a response while I put my phone away. "Fine but I'm not letting you go alone. Especially since it's like 10pm." Heeseung finally agreed.
I hadn't even really noticed it was 10pm. At least he agreed. We both left together and walked down to the bar. I figured that the hangover relief was useless because it never did much for me.
We walked into the bar and lord was it rather busy that night. Quite lively as well. Me and Heeseung sat down. I ordered two shots and a water. Yes, it was one of the two girls that's always here.
One for day shift one for night shift. Anyway she served them to me and I offered one to Heeseung but he refused with a stingy attitude. I frowned but took both of them. I took notice to someone who walked up beside me.
I glanced and nearly jumped seeing it was Xiao Jun. He had a bright smile on his face like he hadnt been ignoring me the past few days. "Funny seeing you here. Has any of those issues been resolved?" He asked sweetly.
I could tell he was already pretty drunk. I shook my head to answer his question and he frowned. "Is your hand ok at least?" He inquired, grabbing my hand and looking down at it.
I got flustered but allowed him to look. My knuckles have pretty much completely healed since it has been quite a few days since the incident. Xiao Jun smiled seeing the healed wound.
Then he looked up at me. Something about his eyes sparkled. I think he still likes me. I started to grow red so I just ordered two more shots and downed them pretty quick. The alchohol didnt take long to set in.
Xiao Jun continued to blab on about random things but I didn't mind. I completely forgot Heeseung was with me to be honest. I took a good few shots too. I think about ten in total. I couldnt see properly.
Xiao Jun at one point got really quiet and he just stared at each other. Oh no. Before I knew it we were making out. I have no idea why I did it either? It didn't last long as someone pulled me off.
I spun around to Heeseung looking pissed. "You've had way to much damnit." Heeseung said with anger coating his voice. He dragged me out of the bar. "I thought you said you didnt like him Jeongmi! You cant just go around kissing anyone!" Heeseung snapped as he began to lead me towards the dorms.
I bit back my lower lip. He was right but it's not even Xiao Jun I want to kiss. I shook the thoughts out my head, flustered by them. I was stumbling behind him as he held onto my arm with a firm grip.
I gently tugged on his shirt. In turn he spun around and faced me. I just knew I looked horrible but I could care less. I put my hands on his shoulders and pulled down on his shirt like I was about to jump on him.
He understood and picked me up, holding me like a child. Mission success. I got the soft Heeseung to show himself. I felt at peace as I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder comfortably.
Heeseung carried me all the way to the dorms and to my door. Instead of asking me to type in the code he apperantly knew it and opened it himself. I was half-asleep now anyway.
He slowly laid me down on the couch to which I got comfortable on real fast, tossing my purse to the side. Heeseung pulled my shoes off and then lifted my legs up, sitting down and then putting my legs back on top of him.
I would be blushing if I wasnt inches away from dreamland. Words suddenly spilled from my mouth. "Thank you." I whispered. I didnt know Heeseung's reaction as I couldnt see him with my eyes closed but I wish I saw his face.
I don't even know why the words slipped out like that especially since I was tired. I think the child wanted to thank him for caring for me even if I didnt care for myself.
Well then I guess that 'thank you' came from me and the child then. Then I fell asleep.
November 3rd, 2020
As you and I guessed, I havent heard from Heeseung since the 27th. Jay and Sunoo did take me out to eat though on the 1st of November which I thought was nice. Also, Xiao Jun texted me. He said he was sorry for kissing me again.
I said it was alright, both of us were way too drunk anyway. Though I do agree it never should have happened no matter how much liquor was in our systems. Otherwise we havent talked much.
I just wish Heeseung would talk to me. It's not that I like him I just want to know why he is the way he is with me. I hate it a lot. Do others hate mute people that much? What did we do?
What did I do? I shook my head at my own thoughts, the air whispering in my ears. I decided I should go to the studio and work on my dancing. I feel like I've been slacking and I dont want to disappoint my members.
I took a water from the fridge and my bag, putting my phone inside. I changed into some basic leggings and a tshirt. I'm sure I can find a studio that isnt occupied.
I stepped out my room with caution. I heard the faint talking of my members. When my door had closed, which of course was loud, the went silent for a few seconds before resuming their talking.
I couldnt help but let a frown burn onto my lips. I stepped slowly down the hall, feeling disoriented. I made it outside and waved down a taxi so I could get a ride to the company. It wasnt too far but I didnt feel like walking.
When I arrived, I slipped on a mask and went inside. I looked around at studios. Then I suddenly bumped into someone as I wasnt looking where I was going.
"Oh sorry! I wasn't looking!" Some guy apologized immediately. My mouth gaped in shock at who it was. Soobin from TxT. I nearly shrieked. I must admit I'm a bit of a fan for TxT.
I bowed over and over out of embarrassment. "Dont worry about it and hey arent you that girl from I-land? Jeongmi isnt it?" Soobin asked, his classic charming smile plastered across his face.
I nodded shyly, not sure of what to do. "Nice to meet you. I understand that you dont talk so no worries. If you're looking for a studio then Studio-4 is open." Soobin spoke so nicely.
If only there were more people like Soobin. I bowed again and began to speed walk out of nervousness. I jumped into the studio, breathing heavily. I relaxed and set my bag on a bench, pulling out my water and sitting it next to the bag.
I walked to the computer and chose the file for our debut song. I'll start with that and move to the others after. The moment it started I ran to where my position would be and started going on with the choreo.
Being alone made me feel relaxed so therefore I went through the choreo excellently. It made me tired and sweaty but my job is to push through such. After finished I went right to the next song.
I flowed through the movements of that choreo fantastically as well. I really only do bad around other people. I ran through all the songs we had choreos for without break, over and over.
I had to keep doing it the way I was around people or not. I have to get over it to do well. I owe it to myself. Halfway through one of the songs I got extremely light-headed so I had to stop. I stumbled over to the bench and began to gulp down some water, wiping sweat off my forehead.
I scooted to the computer and paused the song, it annoyed me after I've heard it so many times. I placed the water bottle on my forehead to try and cool myself down. Then someone walked in the room.
I immediately stood up, making me more dizzy than I already was. It was Yeonjun, Taehyun, Jungwon and Heeseung. Is Heeseung just everywhere?
I bowed and sat back down drinking more water. "Sorry we didnt see anyone in here." Yeonjun apologized politely. "Its fine shes our bandmate. She can practice with us." Jungwon spoke with a small smile on his face, his dimples showing.
If Jungwon and Heeseung wanted to practice then why are Yeonjun and Taehyun here? I have no issues with them but they dont really have reason to be here since they aren't in our group.
Heeseung then came walking up to me while everyone else began to stretch. What could he possibly want...?