Sutton
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Jason asks as he drives me back home after our silent, strained dinner.
The entire night after my unexpected, slightly traumatizing run-in with my past, I tried to act like nothing was wrong, but I guess I'm losing my touch where acting is concerned, because Jason saw right through me.
No matter how many times he tried to make me laugh or start conversation, I shut him down at every turn. Not unkindly, but still. I wasn't in the mood.
"No, because there's nothing to tell. Everything is fine," I say, not taking my eyes off the street outside the passenger side window.
He huffs and says, "Okay, fine. Lie to me all you want, but you'll crack eventually." He sighs. "I just wanted tonight to make you feel better...not worse."
I can feel him looking at me, so I let my head fall back on the headrest and turn to face him. "Jason...I'm sorry. The food was great, and I really appreciate you taking me out. I'm sorry that I—" I stop and weigh what I want to say next.
"What? What is it? Whatever it is, you can trust me."
Not with this, an unwanted voice chimes in the back of my mind.
"Look, Jay, it's a girl thing that I'd really rather not—"
Jason cocks his head to the side. "Really? You're going to use the old 'girl problems' excuse on me? I taught you how to use that on your dad."
"No, I'm serious. When I went to the bathroom, I had an, um, development I wasn't prepared for, and it threw me off. Now my hormones are all wacky and I'm just in a mood. That's all, I promise," I say.
It's not a complete lie. Seeing Nicolai was a development I wasn't prepared for, it did throw me off, and my hormones are all wacky. But that's because my ex-best friend is just as gorgeous as I remember—even more so if I'm honest—and even though he is a total dick, I still wanted more than anything for him to take me into his arms, kiss me, and tell me he wished he'd never left.
He steals a couple glances at me then finally, he says, "All right. I'll let it go. But if you need to talk about anything, I—"
"I know. You're here." I reach over and put my hand over his on the gear shift. "You've always been here. And I appreciate it. Okay?"
He flips his hand over, intertwines his fingers with mine and squeezes, my heart doing a weird flip in my chest. I start to pull them away, but he tightens his grip.
We ride along in somewhat comfortable silence for a bit when Jason speaks up. "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Yeah? What's up?"
He releases my hand and scrubs it down his face. "I wanted to apologize for—"
"Oh my God, Jason. Stop apologizing for my dad. It—"
"Sutton, please," he says, and his voice sounds strained. "Let me finish. It's not about that."
My eyes widen. "Oh, sorry, go ahead."
"I want to apologize for what happened in your room the other day. When we fell asleep, and I ended up too close to you. If I made you uncomfortable, I—"
"It's okay, Jay. You don't have to apologize for anything. It was fine."
Was it, though? Was it fine? He's not wrong; you did feel a little uncomfortable. It was weird.
But I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I ignore the voice in my head that's gnawing at me to be honest with him. And myself.
He cocks his head to the side before looking back at the road, pulling into our parking garage. "Are you sure? I mean, we've never—that's never been a thing we've explored."
"Yeah, I mean, we've never explored that because we're like brother and sister. Why would we explore something like that? I mean, you see me as a kid, right? Like, I'm sure I get on your nerves." I laugh and rattle on. "God, I wish I had eaten more at dinner. I am really hungry now. I hope Greta got some good snacks when she went shoppi—"
Jason shifts the car into park and his fingers brush my jaw as he turns my face toward his. "Sutton, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, why would you think something's wrong?"
An amused smile quirks the corners of his lips. "Because you only ramble when you're anxious about something or feeling awkward and wanting to fill the silence. So either way, there's something up. So why don't you just tell me instead of doing this whole avoidance thing." I shake my head and reach for the door handle, and he leans over and places his hand over mine. "Sutton. Please."
His voice is softer now, almost pleading and my breath catches in my throat as I meet his eyes.
I sigh and rest my head back against the seat. "Nothing's wrong, Jason. I just—I don't really want to talk about what happened that day, that's all."
"But you said you weren't uncomfortable," he says, and confusion flashes over his face.
"I know, and I—I don't know if uncomfortable is the right word. You never make me uncomfortable. But it didn't exactly feel normal either. I mean, did it feel normal to you?"
He lifts one shoulder in a shrug and doesn't speak for a moment. When he does, his voice is just a breath that hardly fills the space between us. "No, but I thought—I thought that maybe one day, it could."
I shouldn't be shocked by his admission; the signs were there. Between Dominique's observations, what happened that day in my room and honestly, in the pool today, it should have been clear as fucking crystal.
But still, somehow, I am blindsided by the revelation that Jason could have feelings for me. The idea is still completely foreign, and I have no idea what to say or do right now.
"Say something, Sutton, please," he whispers, and I've never seen him look more vulnerable than he does right now.
I draw my bottom lip between my teeth and release it before taking a deep breath. "Jay, listen. You truly are one of my best friends and—"
Jason scoffs and shakes his head, moving back from me and reaching for his door handle. "All right, there's my answer. Friend zoned. Perfect."
"Hey!" I snap, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back to face me. "Don't do that. Let me finish."
His blue eyes land on me and his gaze is icy now, the warmth and vulnerability from just a minute earlier gone. "Why? So you can launch into your explanation of how I'm like your big brother and you could never think of me that way, but you'll always love me? Yeah, I think I'll pass."
He jerks his wrist from my grasp and throws open the door, climbing out of the car in one smooth movement.
I growl and fling open my door, scrambling out, much clumsier in my short bodycon dress and stilettos, but I get my bearings and jog after him.
"Jason! Stop!" He doesn't, just keeps striding toward the door, and I am struggling in my four-inch heels to keep up. "Jason Cornelius Kincaid, come back here right now!" I bark, and he whirls around.
"Hey, watch your volume!" he hisses as he marches back toward me. "I didn't work for half of my life to rid myself of that horrible middle name for you to drag it back from the dead."
I place my hands on my hips. "It made you come back, didn't it?"
He runs his tongue over his top teeth and rolls his eyes. "Oh, you think you're so smart, huh?"
"As a matter of fact, yeah. I do," I tease, crossing my arms over my chest.
He tilts his head back and forth. "Yeah, I guess I agree," he concedes, and I know I've pulled him back to my side.
"I know. Now, are you ready to listen to me?"
He motions to the courtyard area on the side of our building, and we settle on a swinging bench. We're quiet for a moment, listening to the nighttime sounds of the city before I break the silence between us.
"Jay, do you have any idea what you've meant to me? As a fixture in my life?"
He looks down at me and purses his lips. "Why don't you tell me? I didn't do so well guessing in the car."
I smile at that and say, "You were right when you said you've been like a big brother. That is true. There's no other way to describe you, and I don't think you can argue that you've seen me as a little sister over the years. Yes?"
He considers this and finally says, "Yes. I have."
"Okay then. You can't get mad at me for that. Fair?"
"Fair."
I want nothing more right now than to take his face in my hands and tell him that I feel the same way. To see his eyes light up would fill me with joy.
But it would also gut me because it would be a lie. I'd be giving him what he wants in the moment, to avoid the tough conversation, and that isn't fair to anyone. Especially Jason.
I can't even tell him that maybe I could one day. Because I don't know if that's true. Especially now. Not after what Nicolai did to me. Not when seeing him tonight has sent me back into a spiral that I am trying my best to stay out of.
If Nicolai could hurt me, what could stop me from hurting Jason?
"Listen to me, You have been there through everything—Mom leaving, Dad's spiral into depression after that, my own grief when I lost—" My voice cracks and I clear my throat. "Anyway. You were there to pick me up after everything. You never complained, never asked for anything in return. You were truly the one constant I could count on. Dad was in and out after Mom left. Dom didn't come along until later. You really have been family to me."
Jason turns toward me, and his arm slides behind me on the back of the swing. "It was my pleasure to do all those things. I did that because I care about you, Sutton. I want what's best for you. I want you to be happy."
"I am happy. I'm happy with you as my big brother. I don't want things to change between us. Not when you're one of the only people I can count on in my life. Do you understand what I'm saying? Where I'm coming from?"
He nods. "I do. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I understand. I just really wanted that to go differently."
"Just know I love you, Jay. I always will. I could never repay you for everything you've done for me."
He ruffles my hair and stands, holding his hand out to me. "Repayment is not necessary nor is it even an option. Come on, dork. Let's go inside."
"Hey!" I say, wriggling away from him. "No 'I love you' back?"
"As if you didn't know," he says, shoulder checking me as we walk into the lobby toward the elevator.
***
"Jason told me something happened at dinner last night and you blamed it on your period."
Dominique hands me a slice of pizza from the box that was just delivered for dinner. Since last night, I've been quiet, still trying to process everything that happened with Jason and Nicolai.
"I happen to know that you just had your period a week ago because you and I are synced up," Dominique says. "So, do you want to tell me what actually happened?"
"Jesus! Does he have to tell everybody everything the minute it happens? Since when is my menstrual cycle a topic of someone else's conversation?" I sink my teeth into the pizza and rip off a giant bite, chomping in frustration. "What the hell?"
She shrugs as she chews her own slice. "He is convinced something else happened, and he wants to make sure whatever it is isn't a security risk. I mean, it's a valid concern."
"It's not a security risk." The words tumble from my mouth but as soon as I say them, I realize I'm not actually sure about that. I haven't seen Nicolai in years, and he didn't seem to be all that thrilled about seeing me. And I'm not convinced he wasn't following me.
What if he was the one following me at the bookstore that day?
And behind the reason Jason and my dad are so paranoid?
And maybe he wasn't at the ambush, but what if he's connected to it somehow? To the group that wants information on my father and wants to get it through me?
Nicolai could be a perfect person to get that information from. He hates my father, and he hates Jason.
And from the way he spoke to me last night, it would appear that he hates me too.
My stomach clenches at that for two reasons: One, I don't want there to actually be any danger. Two, no matter how big of a badass I tried to be in that hallway, a part of me—a bigger part than I'd like to admit—felt a huge relief at seeing Nicolai again.
I don't want him to be involved with any of this. And yet another part of me felt something other than relief. A pulsing need just under the surface...between my legs, right where it was the last time I saw him.
Dominque stares at me over the rim of her glass and when she sits it back down on the counter, her gaze is dubious. "That was an awfully quick answer."
It's clear she isn't going to let this go, and honestly, I would have told her anyway. There's no way in hell I'd have been able to keep this to myself; I need to talk to someone about seeing Nicolai again.
"Fine, but we can't talk about it here. When we get done eating, let's go to my room."
Dominique shovels in the last bite of pizza and downs her soda, wiping her mouth with a flourish. "I'm done. Hurry up."
Shaking my head, I finish my slice and follow her upstairs. As soon as we get in my room, she shuts the door and spins around. "This seems like major tea. So come on, spill it."
"Well, I'll need to start back at the beginning...like, a long time ago. Way before you moved here, there was a woman who worked at the club as a waitress. She didn't start out as a dancer, so she didn't make a lot of money. She was a single mom, and her son was three years older than me. He was always around the clubs, and sometimes he'd come to the house and my nanny would babysit him along with me.
We hit it off immediately. Even though he was a little bit older, we were best friends from the start. Nothing could separate us. Eventually, he was around all the time." A smile crosses my face at the mere thought of what it felt like to be Nicolai Marković's best friend.
"It seems like he was really special to you," Dominique comments in the bit of silence my reflection creates. "How come you never told me about him before now?"
Tears fill my eyes and I blink them away, determined not to get emotional over the guy who talked to me the way he did last night. "Because three years ago, he disappeared. He just up and left one day and didn't tell me why. He barely said goodbye, just told me to never contact him again and then walked out the door."
Her lips part in surprise. "What the fuck?"
"My thoughts exactly. I never did find out why, and Jason told me not to ask my dad about it, that it was all just too upsetting. He tried to find out for me, but Dad never would tell him. So I just stopped asking. But honestly, he and Nicolai never liked each other much. I think he was glad he left."
Dominique scrunches her nose. "Even though he knew it hurt you?"
It stings to admit that harsh truth, but I shrug it off like it doesn't matter. "Even though."
"That's kind of a dick move for someone who claims to be your brother."
"Yeah, I know...but now he's one of the only friends I have. And before you came along, he was the only friend I had."
Dom throws her arm around me and kisses the side of my head. "Well, I'm not going anywhere. So go on, finish your story."
"I mean, there isn't much more to say. I have missed him every single day since, and—" I take a deep breath and look up at the ceiling before I admit the next few words. "And if I'm 100% honest with myself, I never stopped loving him." My voice is barely over a whisper and just saying that out loud splits my heart in two.
"Oh, babe," Dominique coos, squeezing me close to her side. "I'm so fucking sorry. I wish you had told me before now."
Tears fill my eyes as I lean into her. "Thank you. But then I saw him last night. You know, I've fantasized about that moment for three years—thought about what it would be like to run into him in a random place...like some scene from a romance novel. That it would be perfect, like nothing ever changed. Except he'd realize that he misses me and maybe could love me one day."
"And obviously that's not what happened."
I shake my head and swipe at my cheek. "Not even close. He was so mean, Dom. He was borderline cruel, honestly. He basically said seeing me reminded him of why he left in the first place."
Dom grunts her disapproval and says, "Wow, what a gentleman."
"Yeah...I didn't even recognize the person he's become."
Except he was more beautiful than ever. There's no way I could ever forget his face.
"Well, you probably won't see him again, right?"
I'm not so sure about that. I still find it extremely suspicious that Nicolai just happened to be at the same restaurant. I just can't figure out why the hell he'd be following me. It doesn't make any sense.
So I don't mention it to Dom; why worry her over what's likely nothing?
And even though I've just made so many admissions it's making my head spin, I'd rather not admit out loud that I want to see him again.
So I just sigh and say, "No. I probably won't see him again."
Hoping all the same that I will.