"Alex, can you tie my hair up for me?" Ashley said as she stood there in the middle of the crowd with her hands carrying the shopping bags. I rolled my eyes as I smoothed her hair back swiftly and she smiled like a kid. I couldn't help but smile back, pulling a rubber band off of my own wrist. She made me carry one extra every day and I didn't mind it.
"Let's get something to eat Ashley, I am sure you are all done with your shopping." I said as I secured her ponytail. She nodded her head gently and I carried half the bags. "I wasn't the only one who bought stuff, you did too. And why did you have to buy such an expensive thing, I don't even know what it is?"
"It's a gift for Elena, you'll see. Also You too bought some very expensive jewellery for yourself, I didn't once question you." I said and she passed me a side eye. As we walked towards the restaurant a few steps ahead, she hummed a song. It was usual now, before we left for the wedding, she convinced me to go shopping since she had nothing to wear on her best friend's wedding.
We'd leave the next morning, as a couple finally. But I still hadn't confronted her and I didn't have the chance to. I was afraid I'd ruin it. Whatever it was, it was holding me back. On the back of my head I was afraid I'd hurt her and I didn't want to risk it. How do I start? I thought lost in my thoughts. And that was when I bumped into someone.
I came out of my trance looking at the stranger. He was way too familiar for me. I frowned. "I am sorry." I muttered. His young eyes and height almost as same as mine. His hair was black, tanned skin. I gulped. He smiled, the same freaking smile. "I am sorry too dude. I hope I didn't hurt you or your girl.." his words faded.
"Ashley?" He beamed with realisation and my eyes scanned his face. I gulped again as flashbacks started hitting me. He was the same man who was with her on the cafe that day, almost three years ago. I remember him, the smile and everything. I pursed my lips looking back at Ashley who was surprised but smiling. She handed me the bags and plunged forward hugging him.
"It's been a long time Harry, how have you been?" She said and I was no longer present. I couldn't stop hearing her words in my head.
"I am doing absolutely fine, I was buying cupcakes for Gene, we came to visit her parents. She is pregnant by the way." He said.
Ashley nodded with an imprinted smile. "I know I see her posts. You guys are so lucky to be having your second child together. Well I also have something to tell you, meet Alex. We're together." She smiled and pulled my hand.
I stared at him and back at her. I heard every single word they said but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the past. "This is him, the same Alex." She kissed my shoulder and I smiled awkwardly. I didn't want to react to the turmoil building inside me.
"The "fuck Alex" one." He quoted the exact words that I resented and I felt tears stinging my eyes. They both laughed but I didn't hear anything else than that. I smiled still, knowing I couldn't lose my cool. I wouldn't want to hurt her or make this weird in front of her friend.
Harry looked at me and then at Ashley. "I'd see you back in Seattle Ashley, have fun. We have to catch up as a double date later. I have to go, Gene is waiting." He smiled and held my hand shaking it lightly before he walked off. My eyes turned back to Ashley. She was still smiling. I smiled gently, it was hard to hold it but I did.
"Are you okay honey?" She asked me giving a little frown. I nodded blankly.
"Let's eat something and head home, I feel drained for some reason." I stepped ahead and entered the restaurant.
.
.
.
.
"Alex what's wrong?" Ashley asked for the Nth time as we entered our room. I finally heaved a sigh.
"It's nothing. I am having a head..."
She pulled the shopping bags and threw them over the bed as she pulled me towards her.
"Is that why you've been ignoring me? My questions? Why the hell were you silent on our way back? You didn't hold my hand, you look cold. The same Alex who hurts me. Don't do it Alex. Tell me what's wrong? Is it about that guy friend of mine?" She said and I bit my lower lip.
"It's not about him.. I just.." I tried not to raised my voice.
"Then what the fuck is it about? I don't see any other reason Alex. For fuck's same I am YOUR girlfriend, are you so possessive? Really?" She frowned.
"I am saying it for the last time Peach, It's not about him. It's the fuck not. It's... it's..." I breathed in again, holding myself back. I didn't want to do it but I also wanted to let it all out.
"About what Alex?" She asked in whisper. I saw it the worry in her eyes. She looked so happy before, I looked at sad face. I didn't want to make her cry but I had no choice. I stepped back from her and she parted her lips but I heard nothing.
"It's something that I had resented you for, all these years. Something that despite my love for you, keeps running on the back of my head every day and night. It's something that makes me think that I'd rather kill myself than live it again. That one moment..that ruined me, my love, my trust. I couldn't get over it no matter how much I tried." My chest felt heavy and my breath hitched.
The pain returned in my heart. I saw pure confusion on Ashley's face. "Give me sometime Ashley, I'd be fine. I don't want to hurt you. Please." I looked down and she scoffed.
"I don't want to give you any more time.. to hurt yourself and me Alex, fucking tell me what was it? Why did you do that me? Why did you all of a sudden turned cold? Even if I was at fault, let me know.. Please Alex, Please." She stepped towards me and I stepped back.
"You did it, I don't know why you did; but you were the reason I went through this pain Ashley." I licked my drying lips. Pain rose in my chest as I thought of it.
"You remember the letter first letter you wrote to me in the basement? That fucking letter gave me so much hope, I looked forward to many others and I did get them, only a few; because once you were caught, my mother started collecting them. But those fucking letters were what I survived on Peach." I felt tears rolling down my eyes.
"Those letters saved me from killing myself. They saved me from going insane and they were my only hope. I didn't have Elena at that time, I didn't have anyone. But I knew I had you Ashley, I knew I did and I remember every single line of that first letter. When you said the world felt like a basement to you, I realised that I was your world, and If I gave up, where would you live? Because You live in me Ashley, you did and you will. So I didn't give up, I was going insane but I held onto it, for you, for us."
"Every single day in that basement, I only looked forward to one thing, meeting you, seeing you. Giving you everything I had but you..." I felt hard to breath and speak altogether.
"You hurt me Peach." I whispered as I wiped my eyes. Ashley stood there staring at me blankly, her tears stained her cheeks, like mine. It hurt even more. If she hurt me really, why was she here?
"On the very first day of me stepping out, I dressed up for you. I wore your favourite fucking T-shirt Ashley, I fucking wrote a book for you. I FUCKING WROTE A BOOK FOR YOU!" I couldn't keep my emotions in control anymore, I raised my voice with every word.
"I searched for you the first thing, I.. found you where I thought I would. The numberplate we got made together, your car, YOU." I breathed audibly.
"I walked inside that fucking cursed Cafe, which used to be your favourite. I saw you with that Harry guy. I didn't care about it. It didn't matter who you were with, you mattered. I saw you smiling, I remember how bad I wanted to see it everyday and I did. It made me feel like a fucking teenager when I looked at you.. but... you.."
"You broke me... you didn't, your words. I looked at you and you just ignored me, you just looked away. I didn't give up, I thought you wouldn't have recognised me because I lost all that muscle and everything but No, you didn't want to recognise me Peach." I sobbed as I wiped my tears again and again.
"His one question ruined it, my hope. He asked you if you thought about me, and you.." I blinked my tears away.
Ashley gulped, stepping forward once more. "Alex.. I.." she stuttered but I cut her off.
"You know what you said? DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID ASHLEY.....Fuck Alex. That's what you Said."
"You said you didn't care anymore. You said it was all a phase and it had passed." I sobbed. "You said you'd rather die than waste another thought on me." I could feel my body trembling. My words faded into sobs.
"Those words Ashley, they have haunted me for every passing day. I didn't want to believe it, I stayed and I waited for you to look at me and you did. But you ignored me like I was thin air. Why? Why?" I felt my heart aching with my own words.
"I... I waited everyday for you and you.. why Ashley? Tell me that I misunderstood it, because I'd rather live with guilt than I'd with this freaking pain love.. I.. please free me from this Pain Ashley, it's too much." I slumped myself on the bed as I put my face in my hands.
Pain raced through my heart and I felt it breaking and yet I felt it healing. My chest was heavy and yet so light. "Why?" I asked again and Ashley came to me and I wrapped my arms around her waist, resting my face on her belly. She caressed my hair.
"I am sorry Alex... I am sorry... Sorry.. I.." she sniffled and I knew she was crying but my emotions were engulfing me so much.
"Why? Please tell me Ashley, why?" I asked and she sucked in a deep breath.
I pulled her down next to me and she joined her hands together, looking up at me. I didn't care if it hurt, I wanted to know her side of the story. I wanted to end this for us.