September 25th, 2020
Heeseung gulped and straightened up. "Listen. I am sorry for scolding you even after what happened to you earlier with Dabin but I'm not sure I should stay." Heeseung admitted.
I frowned and quickly pulled out my phone. I already had my notes open so I typed swiftly. "Why? As weird as it sounds I dont want to be alone." Then I presented it to him. He read it quickly.
A smirk danced on his lips. I let my arm fall by my side, waiting for an answer. "Its better for the both of us." He spoke slyly. I raided a brow, not understanding what he really meant. That made no sense.
I mean it would help our bond and it would help me from being sad. So it was better for the both of us if he stayed. Not to mention, what was his stupid smirk about? This isn't funny.
I scoffed and began to type again but he grabbed my phone from me. My eyes widened as I registered what he did. I stepped forward, reaching for my phone. He pulled it away, his smirk growing.
I angrily furrowed my brows. Heeseung placed a hand on my shoulder to keep me from stepping closer. "You dont need to say anything. You should have time to think about things alone." He insisted. My shoulders dropped in disappointment.
Before he could do anything else, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him into the living room. "Jeongmi come on." Heeseung whined. I sat him on the couch and snatched my phone back.
I typed quickly. "Stay just for a few minutes. I ordered chicken earlier and I would be more than happy to share :D." Then I showed him. After he read it, he chuckled.
"Fine. Only for a few minutes." He stated. I nearly squealed with happiness. I wouldnt have to be alone! I ran to the small closet and pulled out a soft blanket. I ran back over to the couch and flung it over him playfully.
He pulled it off quickly as I sat down next to him. He draped it over the both of us and settled in. I smiled uncontrollably. I snuggled into the blanket and grabbed the pillow, hugging it tightly.
We continued to watch the movie I already had on until the chicken had gotten here. When it did, I flew to the door before Heeseung could. I bowed to the delivery man and took the chicken. Heeseung got up and came to the kitchen as I placed the food down on the island.
We sat on the island chairs and ate silently. Heeseung ate faster than me and finished before I had. He threw his trash away and put his dishes in the sink, then he went to the fridge and grabbed two coca colas. He handed me one.
I bowed my head thankfully and cracked it open and sipping it. He sat back down beside me, watching me. I grew a tad uncomfortable by him watching me eat so I ate quicker, finishing my food and throwing my trash away and dishes in the sink.
I figured he was going to leave now. I sat down beside him once more and nervously looked at him, waiting for something out of him. He stared back, his eyes glittering. His eyelids were casually rested as he stared back into my eyes.
I gripped onto my soda can a bit tighter before shyly looked away. I just knew he was smiling at how stupid I probably just looked. "You should go to sleep you know. By the time you wake up it'll be the next day and time for work right?" Heeseung suggested.
I frowned. I shrugged, taking another sip of my cola. "Must I make you go to bed again?" Heeseung asked more serious tone. I looked at him again. Of course he was still staring at me.
He quirked a brow. I slowly got up and went to the couch and grabbed my phone. I opened notes and typed in. "If you want to leave then say that Heeseung. I wont hold you hostage here." Then I walked up to him and showed him.
He grabbed my phone and put it on the top of the island. I was frozen by his action. What's with him and taking my phone? "Would you rather sit through your drunken state or would you rather sleep it off?" Heeseung asked.
I stood infront of him for a long minute. Well I didnt really want to sleep. I didn't want to be alone. Why couldnt he understand that? After a long time of not answering in any way, Heeseung slowly stood up. He towered over me, looking down at me.
I looked up hesitantly. Our bodies were so close. I could feel his body warmth. "You want me to stay with you that bad?" He asked, slightly bending down so now our faces were close. The tension was getting heavy.
Not a bad tention either. You know what I'm talking about. I got flustered and backed up. Heeseung didnt stop me. I think he found it amusing. I shrugged, not sure of how to respond.
I suddenly felt awake. He chuckled. "Alright, go to sleep now. I shouldnt keep you up." Heeseung spoke softly, sitting back down on the chair. I grabbed my phone and typed something real quick.
"If I go to sleep are you staying here?" Then showed him. I could tell he was holding in a laugh. I shoved my phone back in my pocket. He bit his lip back and smiled, looking at me deep in my eyes.
The tension was killing me. I seriously started to ponder if I should kiss him but I knew I shouldnt. God...what is he doing to me? I just knew my face was getting red so I spun around and flew up the stairs, flopping onto my bed.
I heard Heeseung step up a few of the stairs, one of his hands pressing onto the bed. I shyly looked at him. "I'm leaving. Sleep some alright?" He said quietly. I nodded.
With that he was gone. I let out a big breath. I plugged my phone in and slowly let myself drift into dreamland.
September 26th, 2020
All 8 of us were in the practice room. I had woken up feeling off of course. Heeseung hasnt spoken to me since he left yesterday. What am I supposed to say after an encounter like that? The look in his sparkling eyes, his smirk, the way he spoke.
Not to mention the type of tension that was rising. I wouldnt blame him for ignoring me. Anyway, at practice we were doing the choreo for Flicker. Due to my harsh headache I wasnt feeling so well and I felt uncomfortable by it.
Due to my hangover I kept messing up on some things. The choreography corrected me every single time and I kept bowing as an apology. I'm usually a better dancer than this. Heeseung was right, I shouldn't have drank.
My shoulders slightly stiffened on accident. Heeseung saw it in the mirror and snapped at me like he did back in I-land. "Jeongmi, how many times do people have to tell you about your shoulders? Fix it." He demanded.
I nodded. I tried to relax my shoulders but it was like fighting demons. I got frustrated with myself, sighing deeply. We continued with practice and Heeseung kept giving me looks, noticing that my shoulders were still a bit stiff.
Believe me, I was embarrassed of it too. The day was so long considering we also had a shoot to do after. Though I did really like the concept of the shoot. The other members filmed and so did some staff.
At one point I heard a staff say something before they were about to film me. "Should I film her? Its not like she will say anything to the camera?" He said to a fellow staff member. "Fans will me outraged if you dont so just have her wave or something." Another staff suggested.
They were kind of whispering but I could still hear it. It made me feel disheartened. Sorry I'm so boring jeez. The shoot lasted for hours. When it had ended I was first to leave and go back to the practice studio.
Of course we had a lot more training to do. I didnt really wait for the rest to show up before I started. I warmed-up and turned on the music. I immediately started practicing the moves as desperately as possible to get it right.
Now that I was alone, my shoulders were relaxed. But I still felt like I was doing something wrong. No matter what I did I thought it wasnt good enough. Every step I did, I felt like I did something wrong.
Suddenly the choreographer walked in. I stopped immediately and bowed as a greeting. He bowed back. "You can continue, I'll just watch." He said. I nodded and shyly restarted the music to do it again.
I was already starting to sweat. I took a deep breath and did my best to smooth through the moves. "You do great. But I dont think your confidence is very high which can either make or break a performance. I can tell that the more people, the more uncomfortable you get especially when they constantly correct you." The choreographer stated suddenly.
I stopped and looked at him, my eyes a bit wide. "I can also tell that when you are uncomfortable, your shoulders stiffen. Its understandable but you must overcome it now that you are in a group, ok?" He spoke calmly, but firmly. I nodded and bowed.
He was right. Then the others arrived. I immediately walked to the back of the room and downed some water. My headache was seriously killing me. I rubbed my head and put my cold water bottle against it.
The others began to warm up. Then staff came in and set up some cameras. Fucks sake. I was getting light-headed too but I was going to have to push through it like I usually do.
We practiced for another few hours before we were allowed to go home. I could hardly breath. It's like air didnt exist in the room. I grabbed my water and drank it a few gulps before trying to breath again.
I grabbed my stuff and shoved it in my bag quickly. The members left one by one. I could feel someone come up behind me. I slowly turned around, meeting eyes with Heeseung of course. "Seriously Jeongmi, you need to fix the stiffness of your shoulders alright? I dont want to see it again." Heeseung scolded sternly.
I didnt react and only turned away. I couldnt help it. I've tried to fix it for the past few years but anything I did never worked. I didnt know what else to do about it. Besides that, I really wanted to talk to Heeseung about yesterday. Well not talk but...yeah.
However, I didnt know how I was supposed to start that conversation. Not like it mattered. Just as I grabbed my phone Heeseung had started to walk out. I almost called for him to halt, but I stayed quiet.
I put my phone in my pocket and zipped up my stuff. I hauled it out and went home.
Time skip
By the time I had gotten home it was 10pm. I hadn't eaten and I was still light-headed. I shoved my stuff onto the floor. I was frustrated at myself. It doesnt matter how hard I try. Only the flaws will be noticed, not my hard work.
Maybe I shouldn't have tried to become a trainee when I'm trying to heal. Theres a child inside me who's hurt beyond belief, and they're fighting a giant monster with no weapons.
That monster is winning time and time again. No matter what I did to try and help nothing ever worked. The child was hopeless and that hopelessness fed the monster and made it stronger.
I teared up thinking about it. The child is losing again. I fought against the monster but it fought back stronger. No matter how much the monster won, I wouldn't show that it had.
I sucked up the tears. I grabbed my phone out of my pants and checked it. I had texts from Dongyul.
Dongyul
Hey! I just found out that I'm going to Seoul for a trip with my guy friend. Maybe we could hang out some time?
Me
As long as your friend is ok with it :)
Dongyul
I already asked him and hes fine with it. I'm coming up there next week so hopefully I'll see you then if you arent busy.
Me
See ya.
I smiled at his text and put my phone down. I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. As the water took a minute to warm-up, I went ahead and took off my clothes.
Then someone knocked on my door. My eyes widened. I quickly grabbed a towel and wrapped it around myself. I slowly walked up to the door and cracked it open. Heeseung tried to push the door open but I pushed back out of shock.
"Yah we need to talk." Heeseung stated. I put my finger as a signal to wait as I ran to grab my phone. I snatched it up and opened my notes, then typed. "TMI but I am about to get in the shower and I'm not exactly dressed."
I showed him and I saw embarrassment hit him. "Sorry just uhh..text me when you are done." He said and then walked away back into his dorm. I let out a sigh of relief.
That was scary.