After three days, one of which was spent in the hospital, I had to go back to work. We had a very busy schedule and my illness only made things even more complicated. But there was one thing I was going to bring to a happy conclusion. I was very lucky, because on that day, Earth Katsamonnat Namwirote, charming, though older than me, was working with me. I told him about my coming out plan while we were rehearsing our character's dress rehearsal. We held copies of scripts in our hands, facing each other. Before we start recording, we will have to change into the costumes prepared for us in advance.
— As for coming out... You don't have to do that at all. I know you want your fans to understand you better, to accept you, but whether you tell them or not won't affect whether they accept you. It's up to them and there's really nothing you can do about it, so please don't worry about it — Earth said, putting his hand on my shoulder.
— Yeah, I know, but you did it.
— True, but I was kind of forced to do it. I don't want you to go through what I went through. I don't want you to be called a faggot like me, humiliated and bullied for who you are. It's your life and only you have the right to decide for yourself. Don't let someone's words or actions make you do something that will hurt yourself.
I liked Earth. I first saw him in the series Until We Meet Again, where he played Intouch, a young man who committed suicide in love with another boyfriend. It was hard for me to watch this series calmly, Mel had to be there all the time, comforting me and reminding me that it was only fiction, because I kept thinking that somewhere in the world there were people who went through the same thing for whom it was not fiction and their everyday life. And it was because of these people that I wanted to come out publicly. Only, contrary to appearances, I couldn't make this decision alone: if I confess, I'll take Zee with me, and I didn't want to and couldn't do that.
Buuuuuuuuum!
Suddenly there was a loud thud that made me jump on the spot. Earth and I exchanged surprised glances, then ran out of the room where we were about to record the scene together and ran down the stairs to the ground floor to see Annie leading the limping Saint, who left bloody trails behind him. It didn't look good. I held my breath, feeling my heart pounding in my chest under the pressure of fear. Saint must have been seriously injured, since the path he was following was covered with red, wet, small spots clearly visible on the light gray floor, which in this full daylight looked even more grim and terrifying like a scene from a horror movie. I hate horror movies, although I can't say I'm afraid of them, they just bore me. Once Zee took me on a date to a haunted house, and while he was squealing in terror, I was laughing like a fool. I wasn't afraid at the time because I knew it wasn't a real threat. It was completely different now.
— What happened?! — Zee became concerned, walking over to them and examining them both very carefully. — Are you injured?
— I don't, but Saint is worse. Someone set a trap for us. We were walking calmly to the building right after breakfast, when, quite unexpectedly, a shopping basket filled to the brim with some cardboard boxes, which probably weren't empty, started sliding towards us. That cart would have hit me if Saint hadn't pushed me away at the last second, but as luck would have it, there was a lot of glass in that spot, and when he fell, he cut his leg open.
We all immediately rushed to get Saint's first aid, even Zee left for a moment and returned with a first-aid kit, which he handed to Annie.
— Can I cut your trousers? — She asked, taking a pair of scissors out of her own blue purse. Saint nodded, and she set to work. First, she slit open the right leg of the black, tight pants that perfectly emphasized his shapely legs and equally shapely ass (not that I was paying special attention, but it was just striking, especially since he matched it with a pink sweater and black patent leather shoes), and we saw several smaller and larger wounds, fortunately none of them looked so bad as to require stitches. Annie and Zee busied themselves with disinfecting wounds and bandaging. I was surprised by Zee's commitment. A few days ago he acted as if he didn't even want to look at Saint and would rather he disappear from the face of the earth, and today he was completely different. What if the person Zee was previously in love with was Saint? I couldn't rule it out, could I?
— New? May I know why are you trying to kill me with your eyes? — Saint asked, and I realized I must have been making a particularly scary and repulsive face.
— I'm not trying to kill anyone with my eyes, I'm just staring. — I was fucking scared of losing Zee. I loved him, and I liked Saint too, but it didn't change the fact that I didn't trust myself, I wasn't sure if at some point I wouldn't make a completely unnecessary scene. Zee was everything to me, not only my guide through the darkness of the entertainment industry and my stage partner, but also my boyfriend, lover, and friend. He was all in one. I wasn't afraid to call him the love of my life. Maybe that's why I wanted to keep it all to myself and not share it with anyone.
—New, I already told you, me and Zee were never anything, you don't have to worry or be jealous —Saint said brutally honestly, oblivious to the fact that Zee had just finished wrapping the bandage around his leg. Zee looked up, looked at me, looked at Saint, then stood up.
— NuNu, we need to talk. Now. — He grabbed my hand and unceremoniously led me out of the building. It didn't stop until we reached the parking lot, which was full of our team's cars. People were nowhere to be seen. Zee glanced around as if making sure no one was listening.
— Zee? What's happening?
— I think you can see what's going on. It's not safe anymore. I'm worried about you.
— That's cute, but you don't have to, I'm a big boy now — I snorted, pouting almost unconsciously. Zee winced. He clearly didn't like that answer. — Sorry. You know I can take care of myself, don't worry.
— I know that, but P'Sky and his men are unstoppable. Now our entire team is targeted. We all have to be careful. They can attack anyone.
— You know what I think? That they want to scare us, they want us to back off and not come out because it's not in their favor. I won't be intimidated. The more they try to stop us, the more I want it.
—New, please think it over again. I'm afraid he'll take you away from me, or worse, hurt you.— Zee sounded sincere. He looked pretty gloomy. He had dark circles under his eyes and red from lack of sleep, an unnaturally pale complexion, and goosebumps appeared on his skin as if he was cold. He was dressed rather thinly, only in light-colored jeans with holes in the knees and a white blouse with the inscription "Liberty and equality for all" in red.
—Hia... are you okay? — I asked thoughtfully, putting my hand to his forehead. It was cold despite the heat around it. I didn't like it. Zee looked extremely tired, weak and exhausted. He was afraid that he would die soon.
— Yes, yes, it's fine, don't worry — He tried to convince me, but it didn't work. I rolled my eyes annoyed.
— Zee, you take the best care of me and you forget about yourself. Someone should accompany you to the hotel. You need to rest, sleep.
— Then go with me.
— I can't, I have some important scenes to record today, one of them is the one postponed from yesterday. No way. I'll come as soon as I'm done. Come on, get in the car. — I grabbed his hand and dragged him to his own car parked nearby. I opened the passenger door for him because I didn't want him driving like this. He was extremely tired, I wanted someone else to play chauffeur. Fortunately, salvation appeared on the horizon in the form of Perth Nakhun, who had just stepped outside the building to talk to someone on the phone. It wasn't a long call and by the time I got there he had already hung up.
— Hey, Perth! — I called, waving my hand at him to get his attention.
— O! Hey Nong New. What's up?
—Do you still have a lot of work to do on set today?
—No, I just finished and was about to go to the hotel. Did something happen?
— Mmm. I'd like you to drive Zee and make sure he goes to bed. Please. I can't, and Max's not here. If you need to, in my suitcase, in the gray big one, you'll find a first aid kit, and in it a box of sleeping pills, give him one.
—Sleeping pills? — Perth seemed genuinely surprised.
— Yes. Since we've known each other, Zee sometimes takes them. They're not always needed, but I have a feeling they'll come in handy today. And please don't leave him alone.
— Okay, then you watch over Annie for me.
— Annie? — Now it was my turn to make a surprised face. Yes, it was obvious that Perth and Annie were close, but until now I had not been able to find out the status of their relationship.
_ Yes. I'd love to explain more to you, but I'm afraid we don't have time right now. — He said, and at that moment I heard Annie calling me over the megaphone. I sighed resignedly, showed Perth to Zee's car, then walked away to return to my work. It was going to be a long, busy, and tiring day, but I was actually glad of that because it meant I wouldn't have much time to think.
★ ★ ★
In the evening, as usual, we gathered in Zee's room. This time, apart from the two of us, also came: Earth Katsamonnat, with whom I spoke in the morning, Perth, Saint, Annie, Fluke and Nat. I decided to invite Earth because of his past. Of all of us, he was the only one who could give us some information. Besides, it seemed to me that Earth felt a bit lonely here without his boyfriend. While he himself showed the slightest sign of fear, the rest of us couldn't control our emotions as well, especially after what had happened a few hours earlier.
Each of us made ourselves comfortable, Annie lay down on the couch with her head in Fluke's lap, who absentmindedly played with her hair, although in his mind he seemed to be hundreds of miles away. Perth pulled a chair up to the window and hid behind the curtains so that he could see exactly what was going on outside. Me and Zee took places on the bed, although there was a lot of space between us. Next to me was Nat, who didn't part with the phone even for a moment, probably because Max wasn't with us today, and he missed him and did not feel safe without him by his side. Just like me, I didn't feel the safest when Zee wasn't in sight either.
I offered everyone something to drink, and when they agreed to refuse, I shrugged and started a conversation about an interesting topic that had recently become something of an obsession for me.
— You told me I didn't have to do this, but you know what? I want to do it. Annie did it, you did it, why shouldn't I follow in your footsteps? I know, Earth, it's going to be hard, I know not everyone will accept me, a lot of people won't understand why I'm doing this, but I want to do it. And I want to make sure people remember it for a long time — I said, addressing Earth directly.
Earth looked lovely. Just today, he was wearing a short frilly red skirt that didn't even reach his knees, a pink sweater (as if they had colluded with Saint and Annie, who were also wearing exactly the same sweaters), white knee-highs, Converse shoes, and a black, not very large handbag from Dolce & Gabbana. Each of them also wore the same necklaces with their own initials, decorated with small, colorful hearts made of artificial glass that looked like diamonds. I envied them a bit that they could wear exactly what they wanted. I still had to stick to the NuNew characterization that the P'Sky team had prepared for me over a year earlier. Wearing expensive, sometimes quite uncomfortable styling was my duty under the contract I signed.
I sighed heavily, and while Earth silently searched for something on his phone, I was able to study my companions. Since the attack on Saint and Annie this morning, none of us went anywhere alone, even to the restrooms in twos. Maybe it's paranoia, but Annie looked so scared that we didn't protest when she told us to.
The hardest part was not showing emotion, especially fear. I have worked under pressure many times, often had to perform a difficult scene in front of a dozen or so people, but never before have we been accompanied by such fear and anxiety. Each of us looked behind us to make sure no one was following us. We didn't have the courage to talk out loud about what was really important to us. Zee and Saint were avoiding each other again, but now it felt more like a compulsion. Saint was unusually quiet, calm and thoughtful all day. On the set of our series, there was an extreme tension between the actors, which was also felt by the other employees.
It was hard to stay calm, especially now that I knew how fucking dangerous P'Sky could be. The fact that he had sent someone to attack Annie and Saint in broad daylight made it clear that this monster feared nothing and no one. Because it was him, none of us had even the slightest doubt.
— I already know, we can announce it at the concert — Perth suggested. — My friend Tong has done that before. On stage, you'll have at least 15 seconds before they mute you, so make sure you have time to say it before they do. It's best to practice it with a stopwatch in hand.
— But your friend was allowed to do it by your label, he didn't do it without their permission — Saint reminded us.
— It's true, Be On Cloud is one of those places where you don't have to worry about who you are, who you like or where you come from.
— Exactly, because I don't understand something... Why don't you all just go to BOC? — Annie asked.
Perth smiled sadly. And Zee, in a resigned tone of voice, began to translate.
— Because it's not that simple. Most of us have signed contracts that cannot be broken. We can't legally just terminate the contract and move to a better place. For example, Nu and I have to star in two more series together, perform on three international tours and do at least 10 covers of foreign songs before we get the right to decide our own career.
— What?! But you're here... Does that mean you're allowed to?
— Yes, although it was not easy to get permission to do so. Pierre had to personally call P'Sky to convince him. P'Sky has done many acts of evil, many acts that would have given any ordinary citizen a long sentence or life in prison, but he gets away with it. This is the most annoying. An ordinary man can lose his freedom for trying to make his dreams come true, and real sons of bitches walk around the world freely, intimidating and blackmailing the weak and there is no justice for them! — I got pissed.
— These aren't P'Sky's only crimes — Saint spoke up, gaining our attention. —I don't know if any of you have watched "Love By Chance"...
— I watched... And I think I know what you mean. — Only Annie answered him. He covered his face with his hands as if he wanted to hide from us, as if he wanted to disappear. I wanted to go up to him, hug him and ask him not to disappear. I couldn't explain it, but I felt that Saint was doing so much for us, that he was sacrificing himself to a degree that no one else would. I understood more and more why this nickname suited him. Maybe it was given to him ironically, but when you looked at him from my perspective, he really did seem "holy". Because saints are not people without any fault or sin, but people who can admit their mistakes and try to make things right. Saints are those who try to right the wrongs done by others, and while Saint saw himself as a lowly human being, Annie and I saw something more in him.
I know it was hard for him to say. I know that everything he had to admit to took bravery and courage. And I know most of us wouldn't be able to do that. Even I sometimes preferred to pretend that nothing had happened, so as not to expose myself to the target. I didn't want to be attacked, but I wasn't selfish either, I just knew sometimes it wasn't worth the risk.
Zee was watching me closely, so I couldn't go over to Saint to comfort him, and Zee was unreliable. I looked at Annie, hoping she would understand me. She smiled sadly, got up from the couch and walked over to Saint to hug him. Perth only raised one eyebrow, but remained unmoved in his seat by the window, through which he looked out and surveyed the surroundings. Fluke, on the other hand, didn't say a word the whole time, as if he wasn't there.
— What is it about? — Nat asked. — Tell me!
— Saint was working with an actor at the time who was underage. If you've watched Love By Chance, you know what scenes are there. I'm guessing, although I may be wrong, that Saint feels sorry for himself for not objecting to it, because his screen partner was still basically a child at the time – Annie explained in sad voice.
The atmosphere in the room was really heavy. We were getting more and more scared. First that shopping basket attacking Annie and Saint, and now this conversation. I didn't feel safe at all. I moved closer to Zee, and he wrapped his arms around me almost unconsciously, as if to assure me that there, in his arms, I would always find safety.
— I don't understand who allowed him to take a part in it then. After all, even watching this show is almost like a crime! — Added our friend indignantly. — In my opinion, this show should be taken down from all places where it can still be watched. I myself watched it on YouTube and liked it until I checked out of curiosity who the main actor was. Do you know how ashamed I felt then?
— But they both played brilliantly, and they both gave their consent. — Perth tried to explain, but Annie quickly hushed him, and with one stern look he apologized and said nothing more.
—They agreed? Perth, can you hear yourself?! Saint's partner was 17 at the time! You expect reasonable decisions from a seventeen-year-old?! When I was their age, I wasn't even sure what to wear to school! And you know what? I was exactly the same age when a classmate outed me in front of the whole school. You have no idea what mark it leaves on the psyche. There's a reason why you can't make your own decisions until you're 18. Teenagers should stay teenagers as long as possible. At 17, I had no clue who I was, who I was attracted to, or what I wanted to be in the future!
— I'm sorry... I hadn't thought of that... — Perth backed off.
Somewhere in the middle of the void Annie's words had left in my heart was a pain I had almost forgotten existed. I remembered my problems at university when I didn't want to admit out loud that I was gay. I still remember the pictures printed out of gay porn and stuffed in my locker, I remember feeling humiliated and how afraid I was to say a word back then. If not for Zee, everything could have ended tragically. I was a mess and he helped me. Our conversation today only made me even more aware of why I want to say it publicly anyway: I just realized there are plenty of people like me and Annie. And I would like to tell these people that they are not alone, that they no longer have to be afraid as we were, that we are with them and understand them.
— It's not just me. _ I started explaining my point of view to them. — I've talked to Annie about it, Earth, and I know a lot of young people, and sometimes older people, are bullied for who they are. I want to tell these people out loud that I know what it's like and that I'm on their side. I want them to know they're not alone. I want someone to finally take an interest in their fate. I was lucky because Zee was next to me, but what about people who have no one? That's why I want to tell them the truth about us.
— They'll remember us. I promise you they will remember us. We won't give up, we will be fearless and invincible. Whatever happens, we will always support each other and speak honestly to each other. This will be our strength. — I was impressed by the wisdom that flowed from Earth's words. I thought people underestimated him. Earth Katsamonnat was very wise, had a lot of life experience and slowly became a kind of guide for me. Anyway, so are Saint and Annie.