I looked at our picture together on my laptop screen and couldn't stop thinking about the future. New was still very young, his future, his career and even his private life - all this was still ahead of him. I was already thirty years old, a few more, and I will start to age, I'll stop looking so attractive, I will no longer get offers to play in series or movies as often as before. Many times I'll be forced to sit alone at home while he works, travels around the world, performs in front of tens of thousands of people. Will he love me then too? Or maybe he will find someone younger, with better prospects? Am I too old for him?
This has been bothering me almost from the beginning of our acquaintance.
I got up from my desk and started walking aimlessly around the house, which all of a sudden felt too big, empty, as if it lacked life, something essential.
It was true, Nu wasn't here.
I missed him and Nat sitting at the table in the back garden under the big, spreading old tree and singing while his friend played the guitar. I missed how we rehearsed our performances together for his birthday concert. I missed his sonorous laugh, bouncing off the smooth, still empty walls, on which he himself hung paintings he spotted in one of the shopping malls, depicting landscapes from around the world. I missed the way he was slightly embarrassed (I guess he still wasn't used to it) kissing me lightly on the cheek and running away to classes at his university.
This house was his home too, though I had built it long before we met. When designing, I looked through hundreds of different proposals from around the world and from each I chose something for myself. The balcony on the first floor, just above the main entrance, was supported by white, narrow columns, at the very top ending in sculptures of lions. A tunnel of climbing roses in all colors led to the garden. The lawns were always mowed neatly and not a single weed could be seen.
Nu said he felt at ease, safe, and very comfortable here, often staying overnight, and his parents didn't mind.
When I thought about his parents, it was hard not to smile. Not only did they raise him to be a decent man, but they also tried to understand him and accepted him for who he was. Even when he introduced me as his boyfriend. I was nervous before this meeting like never before. As we got into the car to take us to his parents' house, I noticed that my body was shaking dangerously. Nu saw it too and put his arm around me.
— There's nothing to be afraid of, P'Zee, my parents know I love you and they accept it.
He spoke in a soft, gentle, calm voice, as you would say to a child who is afraid of the dark or has just had a nightmare. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed both my cheeks.
—It'll be okay, my parents will love you as much as I love you.
He never stopped saying it, as if he was afraid that if he stopped, I would doubt it. But maybe he was right? For if it were not so, would I consider myself too old for him? We were only 9 years apart, but I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that it was an abyss. Although Nu was unusually grown up and mature even for his age. Sometimes I thought I was the more childish of the two of us, but he didn't mind.
I went out into the garden and walked from the outside to the tunnel of roses. Purple and burgundy just bloomed. This tunnel was Nu's idea, he said it was very romantic. The swan fountain in the center of the garden was also his idea. At night, it could be illuminated with multi-colored lamps, which were cleverly hidden in the grass and the flower bed surrounding the fountain with asters and tulips, the bulbs of which I imported from the Netherlands especially for him. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him.
I went home, made myself some coffee, and went back to the garden, taking my laptop and the script Annie had given me.
I thought about our future again. We will all be working together for the next few months. Among the people employed in the production of our series, I noticed Saint. I shivered at the memory. What did he want? Why did he appear so suddenly after almost two years of silence? I saw his hateful glare again before he lunged at me and started kissing me. It still hurts. I wondered if I should warn Nu not to talk to him, but I didn't want to limit him, I didn't want him to accuse me of being overprotective and trying to make some decisions for him. Even if he becomes friends with Saint, I'll have to swallow this bitter pill somehow, but I'll keep a close eye on Saint. Maybe he won't do something so irresponsible again, maybe he won't come between me and New.
I sighed, turned on Vivaldi's The Four Seasons on my laptop, which made it easier for me to learn the script, and then started reading the lines. But instead of learning my lines, I pretended to be conducting an orchestra. Maybe Vivaldi wasn't the best idea...
I got the lead role, our writer told me that it was mainly Annie who wanted me in that role. I remembered what she said about it.
— Don't worry, I won't make you wear contacts to make your eyes blue like Pierre's, but we'll lighten your hair a little if you don't mind.
Initially, she even wanted to give me highlights in two shades of brown and blonde, but eventually she changed her mind.
I didn't mind, so now I was parading my possessions around my light brown hair with a shade like milk chocolate, trying to get used to this new look. Normally when I dyed my hair I used an easily washable color spray or shampoo, here we used bleach and dye. Initially, after the first phase of this experiment, my hair was the color of the feathers of a tiny, yellow duckling, and Nu and Annie couldn't help but take photos of me, which of course they immediately shared with their Instagram followers. I was just pretending to be pissed off to beg for a kiss from New like that, when I was actually having a great time. I barely stopped them from trying to dye my eyebrows too! Although Annie and Fluke got purple eyebrows as a joke, thinking it was very funny.
The time since we worked together passed very quickly and it became easier and easier for us to talk about literally anything. We even went to a Formula 1 race in Italy. It was just a business trip with a lot of work, our performances and photo shoots, but I thought it was time well spent. We brought from there not only souvenirs and lots of photos, but also wonderful memories that will stay with us forever.
I have to admit that Saint and I didn't even argue, we just tried to ignore each other for as long as possible. What I don't understand is the look on his face every time I caught him staring at me. Why did he look like he felt sorry for me? Does he even know what "compassion" means, does he even have an ounce of empathy and understanding? Why did he even apply for this audition? as if it all just happened yesterday.
I winced and waved my hand in frustration. I haven't felt so lonely in a long time. Especially since today I spent most of my time on the set with Ohm and Fluke. Both are extremely talented, hardworking and agreeable. They used every opportunity to touch, hold hands, hug or kiss each other. And I had to watch it, and it hurt me mostly because the last time I saw Nu was during our argument. I was so lost then! A few days earlier, he himself said that he would like to tell the fans about our relationship, and then suddenly he changed his mind and began to persuade me that we should remain hidden after all. I didn't understand him, I had no idea what made him suddenly change his mind, because he was always the one who insisted on telling the truth, he was the one who convinced me that nothing bad would happen, that the fans would understand us.
It wasn't until the name "Sky" came up that I understood everything. It became extremely obvious. P'Sky had already taken someone very important away from me, someone who taught me a lot and who was my idol, we were friends, and I liked him, wanted to tell him and when I finally wanted to give it a try, he was brutally taken from me, but to this day I don't know if what he did then was on P'Sky's orders (although that thought didn't occur to me until I saw him through the window talking to NuNew - yes, I saw them. I saw them hugging and I felt betrayed, cheated, and only after some time did it occur to me that maybe P'Sky was behind all this? Could it be that Saint was given the task of breaking up our relationship as well as me and now he wanted to contact me? Is it possible that he regretted what he did and wanted to fix it? Or is he just a spy for P'Sky?) I wanted to ask that's Nu, but I also knew I couldn't push him too much. New likes t keep his secrets to himself, if something bothers him, it's hard to get it out of him.
I wished Nu was with me today, it was such a beautiful, warm, sunny day. Butterflies and bees flew around me, somewhere on the top of the plane tree I could hear some birds chirping, which sounded as if they were arguing fiercely with each other.
I missed him. That one thing was beyond doubt. And the more I tried to push away the thought of how important he was becoming to me, the more important he seemed. He already had a special place in my life, he seemed to heal my wounds, I always said I wanted to take care of him, but instead he was taking care of me. The other actors teased us sometimes, but most supported us. Only Boun and Prem seemed quite reluctant and kind of bored to see us together. I didn't like it. I've known both of them for some time, they played with us in Cutie Pie, and yet I clearly felt that I couldn't trust them, it was some kind of inner instinct. I felt especially weird watching these two talking to Fluke.
Fluke was one of the shortest actors in our series, only Nat was shorter, and yet he was always full of energy, laughed and smiled a lot, exchanged at least a few words with everyone, was very helpful and openly said what he thought - or at least he did impression. It was easy to like him. Ohm was a tall, well-built hunk who would do anything for him. They matched each other perfectly. If I'd be shipper, I'd ship them together. They were like made for each other.
What I didn't like was that I had witnessed Fluke arguing with Boun during the break the day before. They spoke too softly for me to understand the words, but I could clearly see that they were both nervous. Fluke for some reason slapped Boun in the face with his open palm, then left the restroom. I pretended to be very busy reading tweets on Twitter. I accidentally touched my fingers on the keyboard on the screen of my phone, which resulted in typing the English "Do we", which meant absolutely nothing, and then just as accidentally clicked on the "Post" option. What I didn't realize right away, however, caused quite a bit of chaos among our fans and our crew, to the point that Annie came over to me with her own phone and showed me what I had done. I washed my hands, splashed cool water on my face to refresh myself, then left and went in search of the coffee maker. After I filled my favorite blue flask with a hot drink, I went to the window to look outside. Then Annie got me.
— I should remove it, shouldn't I? – I asked, settling myself comfortably on the wide windowsill. The lunch break was coming to an end, and I hadn't had time to drink all the coffee I had placed next to me.
— No. You know what? Leave it as it is. I'll make up a story for it soon, don't worry. We'll turn our little mishap into a little success, okay?
— Okay, fine with you — I smiled at her.
— Oh, nice thermos, where did you get it? I want one too. — She changed the subject. I lifted the vessel up and answered.
— New gave it to me. That's why I like this so much.
— You're showing off with your boyfriend again — She pointed out jokingly, winking at me. I rolled my eyes. She amused me with it. — Oh, yes! Did you know that Ohm and Fluke are getting married soon?! — She exclaimed. There was so much excitement and joy in her voice that I had the impression that she was more concerned than Ohm and Fluke.
— Seriously? How do you know? — Even for me, it was unexpected news. In our world of the BL industry, it's rare to see real couples publicly admit they're together. This was mainly due to our contracts, we were supposed to be the perfect product to sell to everyone: if some part of the fans preferred to believe that me or Nu, for example, were single, then everything had to be done to please them. I knew that Nu was not comfortable with this, he thought it was lying and deceiving innocent and ignorant people who were ready to make incredible sacrifices for us. I understood him a bit, but in order to continue to grow in the entertainment industry, we had to adapt. If the fans want us to be together as a couple, that's how we have to behave, but at the same time we must not confirm that we are together, so as not to lose those fans who prefer us to be single. For Nu, this must have been a new and quite overwhelming experience.
He thinks I don't see it, but I know he's cried over it many times. Sometimes we would meet somewhere, like in front of his university, and I could see that his eyes were puffy, red. Then I hugged him without a word, because he once told me that it helped him the most.
— Because they asked me to help them with the organization.
— Ah! Wonderfully! They've been together for three years, it's high time they formalized it, and I'm glad that you will be helping them organize it. You're doing great with your show, you'll do well there too. Good luck — I showed her a clenched fist, which meant I believed in her.
— Thanks, but don't tell anyone yet, okay? Ohm and Fluke want to announce it themselves.
— Okay, I won't.
And that's when I was called out to prepare for the next take.
That's what I was thinking, circling around the house and not being able to find a place for myself. I missed something everywhere.
I glanced at the time at the bottom of my laptop screen.
9:07.
So early! It's only morning and I have absolutely nothing to do! Max helped me do my shopping yesterday, New won't be back for three days, we won't start working on our series until next week... So what should I do? Even among the flowers, I didn't see any weeds to pull out. So maybe I'll visit my parents.
However, I wasn't able to do that.
Moments later my phone rang. It was Annie. Speak of the devil.
— You're off today, right? Can I come over to you?
— Yeah, but you don't know where I live.
— It's okay, Max knows, he'll give me a ride.
— All right. Did something happen?
— No, you don't have to worry, I just want to get to know my actors more privately. If you don't want me to come over, we can meet in town.
— No, it's no problem, you can come to my place, I'm so bored.
— Cool. See you in about an hour.
She hung up and I yawned. Despite the coffee I had drunk, I still felt a bit sleepy. Maybe it was because of the peace that prevailed in this area? He almost put me to sleep. It's nice to live on the outskirts of the city, away from the main streets, always crowded and noisy. I laid my head down on the table top where I was sitting, and almost immediately drowsiness overtook me.
* * *
— I think you're looking at it the wrong way. New will never leave you, it shows in his eyes and demeanor. Even if you don't get offers anymore, there's still a lot you can do. You'll be able to travel the world with NuNew, root for him, be his number one fan. I'm sure it's just as important to him. Besides... I don't think it's as bad as you think. I know a lot of stories about how models, actors and singers managed their careers for many years, some of them were so popular that they didn't have to worry about anything. Besides... Don't you have any money set aside for a rainy day?
—Yeah, I'm not as stupid as I look. — For some reason, I felt offended by her words, as if she was implying that my thinking was too dark, that it would only attract to me all the bad things I knew about. I think.
— Right, then you have nothing to worry about. You know? Until recently, I lived with my parents in the countryside, where every money mattered, you had to save on everything, and yet it was this that taught me to enjoy the little things. I see you pampering Nu, buying him whatever he mentions to you, but isn't it better to think about the future? Buying him an expensive handbag won't make him love you any more. It looks pretty desperate on my part: like you're trying to keep him with you at all costs.
— Because it is like this... — I whispered softly in Thai, hoping he wouldn't hear or understand what I said.
— Zee... — She said in a compassionate voice, placing her hand on my knee. We sat quite close to each other at the dining room table. — I understand you love him, but it's a road to nowhere.
— So what am I supposed to do? —I asked, giving up completely. She had seen through me long ago anyway, there was no point denying it, lies would only make things worse.
— The same as before: take care of him, support him, compliment him, build his confidence, don't let him doubt his worth, hug him and kiss him whenever you get the chance. You can use expensive gifts as a last resort as a reward for something, but try to limit it. How do you know what awaits you tomorrow? How do you know if you will also have a job tomorrow?
— You think I'm irresponsible?
— I didn't say that. — She backed away, smiling sadly. — I am speaking from the perspective of a person who lived in an orphanage, who grew up in poverty and who even had to fight hard with her overprotective parents for this trip to Thailand. I hope you understand.
I suddenly felt sorry for her.
I forgot what she went through, even though Darcy told us about her story before meeting her, about the orphanage, about her mother's illness, about problems at school. We knew that it was hard for her and our task was to welcome her warmly to our group, while I was fighting with her from the beginning. Maybe I was afraid that she would take Nu away from me? Before I could think and bite my tongue, the words slid out of my mouth and into her ears.
— I'm just afraid someone will take it away from me. For example you.
— Me?! Zee, NuNew is not my type _ She laughed. — If I'm being honest, then... There is someone else, but unfortunately not available to me. Oh Zee! When it comes to that, you have absolutely nothing to fear. Let me tell you in secret that I have liked Perth for a long time, ever since I was just a fat, ugly girl from nowhere and watched him on YouTube. Besides, Nu loves you, you and only you, please get that into that handsome head of yours, ok?
It's hard to even imagine how relieved I felt. I took a deep breath, finally smiling and feeling all the tension built up in me for two days finally leaving me. A big stone fell from my heart because looking at Annie and how well she got along with everyone, especially Nu, I had some concerns.
— I'm glad. I'm so glad you told me that.
— Zee, NuNew is right, you're cute!
— Hey, you're not going to hit on ME, are you?
— Wow, seriously! Just because you're handsome and cute doesn't mean I want you. Ha ha ha ha. My dear Zee, I meant someone else.
— Who? — I pretended I hadn't heard her previous statement, although a plan was already forming in my head on how to set them up, since they both have feelings for each other. It was fun and exciting and I couldn't wait to tell Nu about it, I imagined his disbelieving face. — Tell me. If you can, of course.
— I won't say anything, I don't want him to know. Only he's cuter than the two of you.
— I see. So you won't tell me — I was teasing her. The good mood returned and I felt light and happy again.
— So I won't tell you — She winked at me and started drinking her coffee.