Another long, busy day was just ending for us, the first since returning from Italy, maybe that's why it was so exhausting. We had to prepare for the pilot episode, rehearsed the next scenes, our acting coach was still unhappy with our progress. Ohm and Kaownah were hit the hardest, even though it was clear that each of us was giving our best. We were exhausted. Most of the actors have already gone to their hotel rooms or apartments for the night, only a handful of us are left. I was washing off the remnants of the test makeup that our makeup artist thought should suit me for Lando Norris.
Just remembering Lando made my heart clench. I didn't understand why he did it, he just toyed with me and ran away. It hurt, but I still felt guilty towards Zee, so I thought I deserved it. But with how well I got to know Norris, I knew it would be easier for me to embody the character, bring him to life and make him as realistic as possible.
I wasn't going to eavesdrop, but P'Zee and NuNew were talking in the next room and the walls were really thin and I could hear every word. I was glad that no one else was around, because I was afraid of the consequences if someone else heard it. I got up from my vanity chair as quietly as I could and approached the slightly ajar door.
— Zee, you have another project ahead of you, I don't want you to lose it because of me — The young man said, and I wondered how much it cost him to utter these words. I cautiously peeked through the door, and as I expected, I saw Zee and New sitting on the floor facing each other, next to them were the scripts they had been learning. There was a real mess around them, surrounded by cables, cameras, lamps, some tool boxes, plastic, looking very realistic, knives. New was sitting on a blue pillow that had been pulled off the bed. They took advantage of the fact that all employees took care of cleaning up after today's exercises or went home for a well-deserved, albeit short, rest.
— Nu, you know it's nothing, I want to tell my fans the truth — Zee spoke more quietly, calmer than New. As an actor, he knew exactly what tone of voice to use to convince someone of something. However... He found NuNew, someone who is even more stubborn than himself, someone who never gives up easily. In the eyes of fans, New may have been a sweet angel who needs to be looked after and protected at all costs, in each of us he aroused such a sense of responsibility for him, the desire to protect him, and the truth was that the young one did not need it at all! He was strong and independent, he could take care of himself. If I had to say who on our team is the most fragile and who needs someone's protection the most, I would name three aliases, but New would not be among them. In my observation, Fluke Natouch, Kaownah and Jimmy are the ones who need someone to protect them much more from all the evil in this world. And of course our Annie. But not New, he was too strong, only maybe Zee didn't see it, maybe he wanted to protect him at all costs and thought that was what New needed.
— And lose your job. Great idea, perfect! _ New taunted. — No. I can't let you do that.
— But I want to do it, I want to share my happiness with them. You are the best that has ever happened to me. You are proof that dreams can come true even when we have given up. Do you know how many people we could inspire? How many people could we help in this way?
Sure, Zee was trying to be cunning like an old fox again. I knew what he was trying to do: he wanted to make New feel like he owed their fans something to go along with it. A clever psychological trick, but apparently it didn't work on the young man.
— You're bringing up that old topic again — New sounded to be very tired.
— Or maybe you don't want your fans to know about me? — I didn't like the tone of Zee's voice. During our friendship, we argued sometimes, and the exact same tone in his voice meant that Zee was on the edge and if New said anything now, my former friend could easily explode. This is what I feared the most. Zee, when it erupts, is like a volcano, he can destroy everything in his path, regardless of the consequences, and when he is in love, he will do anything to prove to the loved one that he/she is worthy of him/her. He will bravely take the blows on himself, pretending that nothing bad is happening, even though deep down he will be suffering. And he will constantly apologize for everything, even if it wasn't his fault.
I've seen him like this once before, but until today I've never allowed myself to think about it.
P'Zee had been in love before, but he didn't talk to anyone about it, he was very secretive, and I had to wrest every secret from him almost by force or deceit. I still haven't discovered who his affections were back then, I only know that it was someone younger.
— Yes, I don't want them to know about us! — New exclaimed, standing up abruptly. Zee got up too.
— NuNew! — He shouted a warning, wanting to call him to order. I saw the way he looked at him, he was furious, but he was giving him a chance to back off before he took his anger out on him. He wasn't like that with anyone. Zee could get real angry, he could show his anger, though he never resorted to violence, sometimes he chose silence, which was even worse, especially if you had something important to say and he ignored you. This time it was different, his lips pressed into a thin line, his eyes wide open, and even from this distance I could clearly see his chest heaving up quickly.
— Come on Zee, I've had enough. Can't you see I'm doing this for you? I want you to have a chance, I know what happens if we confess, and I don't want that, can't you understand?
— You said something else last week.
— Yeah, but I've been talking to P'Sky now and...
P'Zee didn't let him finish.
— I'll kill the son of a bitch if he interferes again! Not only have I lost a friend because of him, but now he's trying to break us up! Nu, we'll talk when I get back. — Zee started walking towards the exit and I panicked. I didn't know what to do with myself, just like I didn't. I froze as if that would make me invisible, but I wasn't a chameleon. Zee noticed me.
— Saint? What are you...? You've heard everything, right?
I was afraid to answer him, afraid to even look him in the eye. I've never seen him so upset before, his words were so full of anger and hatred that it felt like he was stabbing my heart with knives and twisting them, causing me more and more pain. I didn't know how to behave. If this was a movie about us, I'd probably say something brilliant to calm him down or offer him help or at least apologize.
But it wasn't a movie and it wasn't about us, he was the main character, I only appeared episodically, for a moment, as a shadow from his past, following him like an overly attached phantom.
I expected him to hit me, I expected him to take his anger out on me, though he'd never been aggressive towards me before, didn't even defend himself when...
“Hit me — I thought, and finally found the courage bordering on madness to look him straight in the eye. — Hit me, release yourself from this anger before it destroys you, I deserved it. kill me, I won't mind, I know I hurt you and I deserve everything bad that happens to me. Hit me, yell at me, hurt me, but don't hurt this kid for whom you are the world“.
I felt sorry for New not only because I saw him suffer, but also because I saw him as my old self: brave, innocent, willing to make any sacrifices to achieve my dreams. I fulfilled my dreams, but the price turned out to be very high and I often still ask myself, was it really worth it?
Our fans see us for a moment and think they know us, read articles about us, listen to our interviews, watch our videos and think that they have become experts, that they deserve to be called our friends. The vast majority of them really support us, but there are also those who will take advantage of your every slightest slip to strike you a blow, and then watch you with hyena sneers as you try to somehow protect yourself and those close to you. P'Sky knew exactly what strings to pull to deliver the most painful blow. He knew how much P'Zee meant to me, that's why he took it from me.
Luckily, before anything happened, someone else showed up.
Perth rose out of the ground between us, hands on our shoulders and trying to keep us apart.
— Are you guys fighting again? — He asked.
— Nonsense, nobody fights anybody. — P'Zee said, but his body tensed to the limit belied his words. Perth did not fall for it.
— Saint, Zee, I actually have something to tell you, but not today. For now, I'm asking you one thing: can you not start arguments on set for the next week? Please? Me and my friend Mark are working on something, and if we get the information we need, we'll pass it on to you, but for now I'm forced to ask Annie and Darcy to send one of you home.
— You can send Saint and New — Zee said coldly, not even sparing me a glance.
— What? Why both of them?
— Let them rethink everything.
— What's the deal with you and Nu? — Perth became interested.
— Never mind, it's just better if we get some rest from each other.
Perth looked at me as if I was the cause of their quarrel, but I had nothing to do with it! What could I have done? Try to explain? Would anyone believe me?
I sighed, turned on my heel and started my walk towards the exit. I didn't do anything wrong (this time), but I still felt guilty. All the more I wanted to stop P'Sky. I was in agreement with Zee on this one, I'm sure P'Sky is now doing what it can to keep the lovers apart. I decided to talk to New as soon as I got the chance.
So instead of going back to the hotel, I turned around and hid around the corner of the building, where I had a perfect view of the exit and the nearby parking lot. Here I could wait until New appeared. I had to talk to him. I couldn't let Zee go through the same thing again.
No, I'm not a good person, never have been, but I wasn't devoid of conscience either, which has been gnawing at me from the very beginning. I have never, not for a moment, stopped regretting what I did. I tried to tell myself a hundred times that I did it for his good, but then I remembered the look of pain, fear and humiliation on his face, his stooped figure, weighed down by fear and anxiety and shame, and I saw nothing good about it.
By the time New left, wiping his tears with his sleeve, I had time to think about what I wanted to say to him. I was going to tell him not to give up on Zee, fight, to be strong for him, to support him and try to understand, I was even ready to tell our story, but when I came face to face with him, the words stuck in my throat, turning into heavy stones that fell to the bottom of the heart.
New looked so pathetic that I couldn't help myself and just grabbed him in my arms, hugging him tight. I was beginning to understand Zee's instincts better. New made everyone want to take care of him, it hurt to see him sad and suffer, even if you were just an outsider like me. And no matter how well I knew that New could handle anything, that he wasn't me, that he was much stronger. In that one moment, he was just a boy like me with big dreams and a broken heart, he was like a brother to me.
Somewhere off to the side, I distinctly heard the sound of a camera shutter. I quickly moved away from New and looked in that direction.
— Fuck... — I blurted out when I realized who was taking our photos. It was Cooper Patpasit, one of the actors who played with us. He wasn't hiding what he did. Worse, he was smiling treacherously and triumphantly, as if he had just won the lottery. I was stunned. For the third time in one day, I was too overwhelmed by sensations to act. New, on the other hand, boldly moved forward with a clearly fierce face. There was so much fury and aggression in his attitude that I began to seriously fear for Cooper's health, I didn't want them to get into a fight, I didn't want another scandal on set, and I knew that if I didn't figure something out soon, P'Zee would never forgive it.
I ran, got in between them, New swung and punched me right in the face.
It hurt. I staggered dangerously, nearly falling as New grabbed my hand just in time. I didn't expect someone so small and delicate to have so much strength. I touched my mouth and nose with my hand, and a warm, sticky, red liquid appeared between my fingers.
— P'SAINT! Sorry! — New shouted, examining my face from every angle. He turned around, opened his purse (another one of Zee's very expensive gifts, I later found out), and took out a packet of tissues to try to stop the bleeding. Cooper seized the opportunity and fled like a coward. This worried me even more, because he was in possession of photos that could cause a lot of confusion.
— New, leave me alone, Cooper needs to be stopped. — I pushed him lightly.
— What? No, you're bleeding, I can't leave you like this. — He protested. I didn't like it, he shouldn't play the hero now and worry about me, especially since I was someone who hurt someone he loved.
— You don't understand. If he still has those photos, I'm not the only one in trouble. Think of P'Zee, he's a very possessive type, if Cooper tells him a story...
I didn't have to finish.
Adrenaline gave us strength, we ran. We had to get to Cooper and get the camera from him before he could hide or use the photos he took. We didn't agreed on anything among ourselves, and yet we acted in unison. I gestured for New to approach Cooper from the other side. Patpasit was already near the entrance to the hotel, if he goes there, we may lose our chance forever. Cooper made one mistake: he assumed no one would follow him, he wasn't careful, he felt safe in a crowd of people.
Getting to him and knocking him to the floor right in front of the elevator inside the building gave me a pleasant feeling of satisfaction. New appeared a few seconds later. I took the camera from the surprised Cooper and handed it to New, who immediately packed it into his bag. I grabbed Cooper's ear, pulling him up while pulling his hair, forcing him to writhe in front of us.
— You'll come with us and explain everything to us — I ordered and pushed him towards the elevator, which we boarded right behind him.
I took us to my apartment. I shut the door securely and instructed New to stand by it in case Patpasit tried to escape.
Cooper turned out to be extremely willing to talk. It quickly became clear that he was just as much a victim of P'Sky as me and Zee, and I asked myself again, "Who else? Who else have you dragged into your psychopathic quagmire, P'Sky?"
To prove his words, Cooper lowered his trousers and showed us long, narrow scars high up on both legs. I recognized P'Sky's work in them. I had similar.
— I think we should tell P'Zee about this — New finally spoke up.
— No, we can't do that — I protested.
— Why not?
— I know Zee, when someone threatens someone he loves, he becomes blind, he wants to protect that person with all his might, he will do anything, I don't want to risk getting into a fight and making headlines, destroying your future. I'm also afraid that he might actually kill P'Sky, and then whatever the motive, you'll lose him forever... We'll go to Perth,' I explained.
— To Perth? And what does he have to do with it? — They both looked at me like I was an idiot. I felt obligated to give them more information.
— Um, to Perth. Perth knows everything, he asked his detective friend for help, they are collecting data for now. New, your job will be to keep Zee away from P'Sky. Think of something, you're his boyfriend.
— Huh? H-how do you know? — He stuttered.
I rolled my eyes.
— New, it shows — Cooper answered for me. — You can't hide it. You're lucky your fans are understanding. Or that they think it's only fanservice, otherwhise...
— Exactly — I confirmed. — By the way... I heard your conversation with Zee... I think... I think you can tell the fans about you, they probably won't mind, I've read the comments, the vast majority of them are positive, some say that if your relationship turns out to be true, they will probably die of happiness.
— You think so?
— Yes. I know you're scared, I know you want to be well received, there's nothing wrong with that. You're both famous, you've both been acting like a couple for a long time, acknowledging this shouldn't change much, and it could take a heavy weight off your hearts. I'm not forcing you to do anything, just think about it. And as you can see, you shouldn't listen to anything P'Sky says. If P'Sky ever tells you anything, do the exact opposite.
— And I disagree with Saint _ Cooper interjected. — So what if they tell the fans? Maybe the fans will accept them, but what about the rest? Will any director give him a job in a series or even a commercial? Didn't you hear what was being said? In the BL industry, LGBT people are actually very unwelcome. Zee and New may lose the opportunity to develop as a result.
— But I read that P'Zee wanted to work behind the camera anyway, he said that he could do anything — I replied, remembering an interview with Zee, which I found quite by accident, and which I was very interested in.
It's funny how I was sitting here at the table shoulder to shoulder with New, who was the boyfriend of someone who used to be very important to me, and I talked to him about things like that. It's funny how all three of us were hurt in some way, and yet we kept going, and the more it hurt, the more we wanted to prove that it was nothing, that we were above it. We acted fearless, but from New's eyes (they were puffy as if he'd been crying recently) and Cooper's scars, I knew we were all dealing with it and relieving it in our own way. Cooper said he played volleyball and badminton to release bad energy and advised New to start playing sports too.
— I can take you to the gym with me, would you like to? — He offered, but New looked very bad.
— It can be difficult — I replied for New. — You should ask his boyfriend's permission first.
— Ouch! I forgot! Okay, as soon as I see him tomorrow, I'll ask. New, be sure to come with me, it's a great way to get rid of all bad emotions.
A moment later there was a knock on the door, so I went to let our guest in. Perth brought his laptop with him and asked for something hot to drink for everyone. It was going to be a long and busy night.
— New? Zee won't be concerned that you haven't returned to your room? — Perth asked.
— No, rather not.
— Are you sure? I don't want him to protect me afterwards. Maybe give him a call? I know you guys had a fight, but he's going to be worried.
— Ugh! Okaaaaaay, I'll send him a message, don't count on more — NuNew accepted defeat. Maybe he didn't want to start an argument with a much older and more experienced person.
I went behind him to make us each a cup of tea and casually looked over his shoulder as he was writing to Zee.
New: I'm at Saint's with Perth, don't wait for me
— I'm not sure you should mention me to him — I warned before he could send the message.
— What? Why?
— Write to him that you're at Perth's and I'll make some tea and tell you all about it. I think you deserve to know the truth, you're his boyfriend now, you need to know a bit about his past.
I didn't want to tell anyone about it. I was still ashamed and disgusted by what I had done and tried to do, and at the same time I knew that if I stayed silent it would only get worse. I saw Cooper's scars with my own eyes, I heard with my own ears that it was P'Sky who discouraged New from coming out, I found out the hard way about the brutality of this monster, about his love of making others suffer. That seemed to excite him.
In the end, I made not only tea, but also sandwiches, while New and Cooper had showered in the meantime. I lent them both something from my suitcase. Cooper wasn't far from his hotel, but New didn't want to go back to Zee yet, I understood him a bit, he was still angry with Zee for not listening to him, for not respecting his decision. Perth was doing something on his laptop at the time.
When everyone was finally ready, I asked them to sit back and listen to me. I started the story with how I met Zee and how P'Sky wanted me to work with him. I really wanted that role, it was supposed to be a turning point in my career, or at least that's what P'Sky promised me. Working with a new partner didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary to me, it's an everyday reality in the entertainment industry: one day you're playing with one person and the next you're playing with someone completely different in a different story. P'Zee acted around me like I was his idol, which he kept telling me. We spent a lot of time together because of work. We played two main characters. P'Sky wanted us to promote our series, so he figured we should pretend to be a couple. We agreed, because why not? It didn't seem to do any harm to us. We believed the fans knew it was just fiction. Unfortunately, according to P'Sky, this didn't have the effect he expected, so he then told me to break off my friendship with Zee. To this day I don't know why.
When I got to the point in my story where I almost raped my own friend, I cut myself off and sat silent for a long time.
— I did something bad to him, and I wanted to do something even worse, even though I saw that he was against it. I don't understand why he didn't defend himself! He could push me away, he was stronger, why would he let me do that?! — I almost screamed the last sentence.
I got up and went to the window.
I didn't want the guys to see how much I hated not only P'Sky in that moment, but also myself. My body started shaking uncontrollably. To my amazement, New came over to me and hugged me from the side. I didn't expect that. I had hurt someone he loved! That one gesture brought tears to my eyes.
— It's all right, P'Saint, it's all right. I know you didn't want to do it, I know you were forced to.
— You don't hate me?
— No. Why would New hate P'Saint? — He asked, looking into my eyes. I found another reason why Zee let him win his heart so easily. New was kind, gentle, forgiving, and tried to see everything from every perspective. He may not have been the prettiest in appearance, but his character and personality made up for it.
— Because I hurt P'Zee? Because I made him suffer? Because I hate myself?
— Shh, Saint, it's okay — Perth agreed with New, who also came over and patted me reassuringly on the back. — No one blames you, we know you had no choice. Well, maybe each of us would have acted a little differently, but we have to remember that you were under pressure, you were scared, you were stressed, I don't think you could come up with anything better under these conditions. We don't support it, but we understand why you did it.
—Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you.
With every sentence I uttered, I felt a little better, as if some great weight was slowly disappearing from my back, as if someone was gradually lifting the suffering accumulated there for many years from my shoulders. Within these four walls, in the company of Perth, Cooper and NuNew, I wasn't so afraid of P'Sky anymore. It was more important to me to warn the guys. I wanted them to know what they would face.
The night was long and we eventually fell asleep all huddled together on my bed, dressed in my clothes (only Perth was wearing pajamas because he had come to us from his room after taking a refreshing bath). In the morning we made a plan of action. For now, we've decided not to let anyone else know. Cooper confirmed that there were three other spies among the actors, but could not name them.
The morning greeted us with beautiful weather and rays of the sun entering the room through the window previously opened by Perth. Outside the window, as usual, the same familiar sounds could be heard, and thus bringing a feeling of blissful routine. People were rushing to work or school, children were shouting cheerfully and carelessly at each other, traffic jams were slowly starting to form on the road, and we were talking quite calmly as if the subject of our conversations was not a crazy psychopath who could kill us at any moment, if something hit him.
— P'Sky spoke to each of us separately, and when he had to talk to all of us at the same time, he tied our hands behind our backs and put black blindfolds over our eyes, through which we could not see anything — He explained at breakfast.
— And the voice? Wouldn't you recognize someone by their voice? — Perth inquired.
— I think I heard Katsamonnat, but I'm not sure about the rest.
— Wait... Wait, something doesn't sit right with me — New stopped us, stopping his food and gulping it down quickly before he could continue. — Earth is one of the few openly gay people out there, how could he work for a psycho like that?
— You answered yourself — I winked at him, amused to see his stupor.
— Huh? What? How?
— You called P'Sky a psychopath, I think you understand that someone like that can make people obey you.
— Exactly — Cooper agreed. — He forced me, and probably Earth too. Don't blame him, maybe he had no choice? From what I've heard, Earth has been humiliated and persecuted for being so open about his sexual orientation.
— Okay, but we have to get going now. Look, it'll be good if Cooper and New leave first. No one should see you around Saint, P'Sky might find out about it… — Perth instructed us.