I felt the tinging in my nose as I frowned. What a weird ass feeling it was. I threw my head back on the couch as I sniffed again and again. The loud music of the party started fading somewhere away while my eyes remained fixed on the ceiling. The pain in my heart disappeared and my vision blurred. A smile broke on my face. I was numbing to everything around me. The flashing blue and red lights around the whole room were fading away. I was forgetting about my own thoughts just a second ago as I drifted into the world of ecstasy.
This is how I felt when I was with Alex. Well fuck him for not being here. I could feel my own heartbeat rising to an extent it was getting hard to breathe. I stepped up from the couch. My vision was blurry. I couldn't see straight, I felt as if everything around me collapsing. "Fuck." I muttered as I felt a laugh rising in my belly.
I pushed my way through the crowd. There he was, I saw his silhouette amongst the crowd. I ran towards him, I grabbed his face in my hands plunging myself towards him. "Fuck.. Alex.. I-"
My words came to a halt and so did my heart. He wasn't Alex. I pushed him away.
"Fuck." I held my hands in my head. I felt ringing in my ears. My heart was as if going to explode, as if I was nearing a stroke. I started losing my vision as I stumbled around into various shoulders and chests. The blue and red lights making it harder to see anything clearly. And then I felt it the black dots appearing until I had lost my vision and senses completely. I remembered mumbling Alex's name until I slipped into the darkness.
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"What's wrong with you Ashley?" My mom yelled at me as her tears rolled down her cheeks. I was crying too at the sight of her. She hugged my father who was caressing her back. "And Ashley, please tell us what is bothering you. We are your parents, we are always there for you honey."
I pushed myself into the corner of the couch biting the sleeve of my jacket. I felt guilt filling me from inside. What do I tell them? Should I? I couldn't hold my sobs inside as I cried my heart out. I felt my mom's warmth engulf me as she pulled me in for a hug. "I was so scared Ashley, when Michael called us. He... he coincidentally found you there. He saved your life. If it weren't for him god knows what would have..." she paused as she kissed the top of my head.
I sniffed. "Mom.. I miss Alex." I told her finally. I looked at her. "It hurts to think of him, to know that he wouldn't come back. His mother wouldn't let him see me. It was my fault, the accident and... and he would hate me.. always. He wouldn't love me anymore. I.." I couldn't continue. My hands were shaking. I felt my heart aching from
the pain I was holding within.
"Oh Honey. I am sure Alex loves you as much as he did before. He told you he loved you right? He didn't say he never loved you. About his mother, it'd take some time but we all would be fine in the end. Do you think Alex would want to see you this way? He would hate to find out that the person is loved is doing something that could kill them." My mother made me look in her eyes.
"You are doing this to avoid the pain. Don't, the more you run away from the storm, the longer you'd stay in it. The more you run towards it, the less time you spend getting through it." She wiped my tears that kept streaming down my face.
She grabbed my hands in hers as I felt her warmth. My dad's eyes were fixed on me as I looked at him. He sighed. "Don't do this to yourself Ashley. Pack your stuff, we'd move you to the rehabilitation for a month honey. I know you can do this. Just a month, and Michael would be your incharge too. He would help you like he did when you were younger. Please honey. We love you and Alex does too."
I sighed as I nodded my head. I didn't want to go but mom was right. Alex wouldn't want to see me this way. He'd hate to see me this way. He wouldn't want to find out what mistakes I did. He'd be angry and what if he left me after he finds I got addicted? "Promise me mom and you too dad. That Alex will never find out about this. Ever again. Please I beg you. Never tell him." I felt tears rolling down my cheeks once again.
They shared a concerned look before they nodded. "After-all it's your story to tell. Not ours." My dad patted my head. "Go and pack your stuff, and throw away everything you have on you right now."
I felt guilty looking at them. Especially their swelled eyes and worried looks. I was so careless. How could I let it happen to myself.
"Hm." I nodded my head as I made my way to my room. As I entered I saw the frame which had mine and Alex's picture together. Of our first date. In another one it was Elena's birthday picture. Everything was so good. How the hell it ended up like this. I couldn't comprehend it. My heart broke again and again. I just wished this terrible nightmare would end and I'd wake up.
I looked towards my bed once. I saw Alex laying on it and my heart raced. Alex? I smiled. He smiled at me. "Missed me enough peach?" He smirked and I ran towards him. I wanted nothing but to feel him. As I stepped forward he disappeared in thin air. I felt my heart shatter in my own ears. I was hallucinating. He wasn't there. He was never there. I was never there. Was everything just a dream? I felt my vision blurring again. "Mom." I yelled afraid I'd be lost again but no one heard me.
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"Peach." I heard Alex's voice ringing in my ears. I opened my eyes. My heart beating faster than it ever did. I was in Alex's arms, in his room. We were together. He wasn't an illusion. He was with me. I saw his messed hair. It was dark but I saw him.
I felt tears on my cheeks. "Alex." I muttered as I held his face in my hands. "You're here. With me. You aren't an illusion...." Before I continued he pulled me in his arms.
"I am here, yours." He kissed my head and I sighed relaxing into him. This was the reality, it was all in past.
I looked in his eyes creating distance between us. He looked down at me. "Was that a nightmare?" He asked as he caressed my cheek with his thumb. How do I tell him how my whole life had turned into a nightmare when he disappeared. The trauma was sudden and had scarred me. He was why it happened, he was also why I had healed. What do I do? I was stuck with him, us. I wanted to be there, stuck.
I nodded my head. "But you're here. And Alex I fucking missed you when you weren't. Please don't do it me again." I muttered as I felt my insides shaking and all the walls breaking. I didn't care. If I had to beg him, I'd.
"Please Alex, Please." I said and he stared at me blankly before he took my hands in his.
"Ashley." He said and I looked up at him. "Do you love me?" He asked. Was he a fool? Couldn't that asshole see it? Couldn't he hear me begging him to stay?
"You're an asshole Alex." I said and he almost laughed. "Tell me damnit, Say it." He said and his smile dropped into something serious. His stare burned in me. My heart picking to the pulse I felt from his hand on my face. Was I finally going to say it? It took courage. A lot more than I thought It would because I was afraid he wouldn't love me back. But I could see it. He did.
I got on my knees as I held his face in my palms.
"Alexander Norman, I love you. I love you. And I just know I love you. I don't know how much or why.. I do. You were an asshole from day one to make me feel things I never wanted to. You made me see my worst to my fucking best. And Even if you don't love me back, I would make you love me back because You're fucking mine."
I felt tears sting my eyes once again. The weight on my chest lifting and as if I could finally breathe, I inhaled a deep breath. I noticed it, tears in his eyes but he didn't let one slip. He just smiled. "Peach, I am yours. And no, I won't ever let us be apart no matter what. I know we are stuck in this mess. We'd make it to the other side I promise. It would hurt but we'd make it worth it."
So many ways to say I love you but not it.
He pressed our heads together. This moment didn't need a kiss, it needed us. I knew he'd have to say it one day or another. I didn't care if he said he loved me back as long as I could feel it in his words, his eyes, his voice, his warmth, his breath, his pulse. Every moment I had ever written in my journals, my books rendered worthless in this one.
I had always wondered what it'd be like and my imagination didn't compare to the relief, the love, the purity of this one moment. Every second of it imprinting itself inside me. I looked at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "You seriously are an asshole Alex."
He chuckled. "Your Asshole. And you're my Peach."
I did too. "And you're cringe." I let out a small laugh.
"Have you ever read the books you write from a third person's point of view. I am no match for it." There it went, the typical sarcastic jerk I fell for.
"Rude, Alex." I pouted. "That's cute stuff okay?"
He pinched my nose. "So am I."
I smacked his chest. "What time is it?"
"Seems like a good time to wake our asses up and go on a date morning walk?" He kissed my nose. I bit my lip.
"Okay." I smiled. I was blushing. My cheeks were burning. They were at the edge of exploding from holding back my smile.