September 19th, 2020
I was woken by a staff member and told to get ready for a tour around the Bighit building. They also gave me a camera. Manager mentioned something about a little show about Enhypen&Hi so I guess it's that.
I was pretty quick at getting up and washing my hair. I dried it and fixed it nicely before applying some light makeup and slipping into a clean outfit. I was blank minded the whole time and moved like a zombie.
My stomach painfully growled but I decided I'd eat something after the tour. It probably would go by fast, time seems to be slipping a lot faster than I'd like. Just yesterday it felt like I became a trainee.
Now I'm in a group soon to debut. I climbed up the stairs and snatched my phone from the charger. I checked for any notifications. Zero. I sighed and shoved my phone in my pocket.
As I took the last step off the stairs my manager slowly creaked the door open. I waved for him to come in. "Hey, we are leaving in five. Also here is my number." He said with a small smile. I nodded as a thank you.
Then he left. I opened my contacts and added him in typing a simple hello into chat. Suddenly I was added into a group chat. A whole bunch of unsaved numbers.
The manager was in the chat though. He said this,
Manager
This is the Enhypen group chat for you guys.
But I didnt know any of the numbers. I didn't know who was who. Until they started speaking.
*******
Ayyy Jay in building
*******
Wait is Jeongmi the unsaved number?
*******
I would guess so.
I felt embarrassed that they didnt know my number but I guess that's my fault really. Then a random number texted me. It was one of them.
*******
Heyy this is Jay!
Jay. Him and Sunoo are the only true nice ones I've met so far. The about six other unsaved numbers texting me. They were all of the other boys simply saying hi and who they were obviously.
Then manager said in the group chat that it was time to leave. I slipped my shoes on as I was getting out the door and nearly rammed into Jungwon. He apologized quickly. I bowed to hint that it was fine.
He quickly walked away and the other members were all piling out of the door pretty fast. I was kind of just watching in amusement. The manager was waving for us at the end of the hall. The last one out was Heeseung and I quietly followed behind him.
Me and him had more...bad memories than good ones due to his constant snapping at me. I guess its not really different from other people though. Depends on who we are talking about.
Manager lead us to the small bus and gestured for us to get in. I was last in obviously and I sat on the left by the window. Heeseung was sat beside me. I went to my casual staring out the window. As some like Jungwon and Jake made small talk.
All they kept talking about was I-land. It's getting annoying to listen to. The others were either dozing off or listening to music. I left my headphones at my sisters. I'll have to get them later.
Now I'm stuck listening to their blabbering about I-land. A headache was quick to grow. It sent waves of pain across my skull. I did my best to ignore it and looked out at the buildings outside. The people walking along the sidewalks.
I wish I was alone. I'm in the mood to be alone. Then again when am I not. I've grown to comfortable with it to the point that's all I want. I don't think that's healthy is it? Theres nothing I can really do though.
Who would want to be around someone who doesnt even talk? My thoughts made me sad. Why do the voices in my head always have to make me feel so bad? I unconsciously gripped the area right above my knee really hard.
My nails dug into my jeans. It's how I keep myself from crying. I dont cry often but I feel like I need to a lot. Bottling it up doesnt help either. But when I cry I tend to get out of hand.
Even when alone. I wreck things out of anger. I cant do that to myself. Or anyone if they hear and decide to interfere. I need to deal with it myself. I always have do why should I change that?
Anyway, it wasnt long before we got to the building. I was not aware of the cameras pointed at us the entire ride until I was getting off. Does that mean it caught me gripping my leg? I hadn't noticed that either until I was getting off.
They'd cross it off as me being nervous to enter the building so it's fine. I hope. Once out of the car, staff gave me and some of the members gopro's to film. I wasnt handed one though. Thankfully.
We were lead into the building and through different rooms and practice studios. Then they showed us BTS's dance studio. I've seen it in their videos and it's cool to actually be there. The guys were also freaking out about it.
The tour didnt last long. I cant tell if time is moving fast or slow anymore. Both maybe? Then we were brought to a meeting room. There was a lady sitting at the end of the table infront of a large screen.
We all took our seats and I sat to the right of the lady. She had an iPad and on the screen was a picture and video with our introduction we took right after the final announcements in I-land.
The iPad screen was then projected onto the large screen so we could all see. "Are you guys ready to post this?" She asked. All the boys immediately shouted no, startling me a little.
The woman giggled and slid the iPad down to the middle of the table where Sunoo and Niki were. They all talked a little about the picture. I watched quietly. I saw Jay occasionally glance at me but never said anything.
I felt more like a staff than an actual member. Then one of them hit the post button. I looked up at the big screen at it was posted now. Almost immediately did people start commenting on their excitement.
It made me crack a smile. I'm glad people were excited to see us debut. After everything, maybe this was worth it. Maybe it wasnt a stupid dream. "Now one by one may everyone post a selca of themselves." The woman said with a hint of excitement in her voice.
Jay was first, then Niki, Jake, Sunghoon, Heeseung, Jungwon, and Sunoo. They slid the iPad over to the lady as if I didnt exist and the lady looked slightly confused for a second and then gave me the iPad.
I saw the embarrassment enter their faces. Yeah, disappointing I still exist but I cant help that. I quietly chose a nice picture of myself and shakily posted it. The responses filled in.
I watched as people said how excited they were to see me perform and sing. Then one comment said, "I hope she talks." I frowned at it. Then I remembered they could see everything on the big screen.
Then another comment about how they wanted to hear me talk. Then another saying how they think it's silly on how I wont talk even for interviews. It made me mad.
It's none of their goddamn buissness! If I dont want to talk then I fucking wont! I exited the comment section quickly and kindly gave the iPad back to the lady. By the look in her eyes she could tell that I was hurt by the comments.
I tried to show on my face that it didnt bother me. But it did. Why are people so obsessed with hearing my voice? It's not like it's mandatory or needed. My dream seemed like it was getting strained.
Hopefully people will soon accept I dont want to talk. I especially dont want to talk when people beg me to. It's like when someone tells you not to do something so you still do it but opposite.
Afterwards the woman told us that we should go change into something nicer as the others were still in comfy clothes so we could do a Vlive. A what!? How am I supposed to introduce myself? How do I respond?
Thoughts raced through my head as I was lead into a dressing room for myself. Our apparent stylist gave me a different outfit that looked nicer than the one I was wearing. After that the manager lead me and the others to a room where 8 chairs sat and a phone.
I sat on the far left more in the back. Beside me was Jay, Sunghoon, and Jake. Then on the bottom row was Niki, Sunoo, Jungwon, and Heeseung. "At 1000 views we should introduce ourselves as enhypen and then single introductions." Sunoon suggested.
Everyone agreed. I started to freak out. None of the members know sign language and I dont think many of the viewers know it either. I nudged Jay. I hate to ask for help but I have no choice.
He looked at me and immediately understood. "I'll do it for you dont worry." He reassured with a bright smile. I smiled back, relaxing my muscles. I saw a few of the others glance at me.
Then they started the live. We all watched as people poured into the live. It was amazing. It quickly hit 1000 viewers. It started with Niki and went across then up and across. Why am I always last? That's so weird.
After Jay did his he then glanced at me and introduced who I was while everyone stared up at us. I nervously repeated what he said in sign language. You never know if there happen to be fans that are deaf watching.
Though I didnt like how the others had to stare. Jay finished my introduction quick and everyone turned away. I let out a breath I didnt know I was holding. Then a staff handed me an iPad so I could view the live and comments.
God I did not want to see the comments. Not again. I saw people going on about how happy and excited they were for our debut and how cute all of us looked. I cringed at some odd ones. Then of course as I expected.
The ones about me. The ones like "Jeongmi please talk" "Why doesnt she talk?" "I bet her voice would be pretty if she talked" and then the one that pissed me off the most, "I bet shes only doing it for attention!"
I furrowed my brows. I hadn't noticed but Jay was looking over my shoulder at the comments as well. I bet he saw them too. The moment I finished reading the last one I rolled my eyes. Again, why did they care so much?
I wanted to be alone more than ever. More comments about me kept coming in. Some positive though saying how they loved my dancing and my vocals.
Those made me feel a bit better but still the ones about me not talking came in. Let a girl be mute in peace. I did nothing to them. So many things like "This live would be more fun if EVERYONE talked" "Jeongmi attention seeker" and "All the guys are more talented than her."
Maybe they were more talented but you could keep those opinions to your self bitch. Then Jay gently took the tablet out of my hands after he saw me getting angry. I was damn near furious.
But I kept my composure. I wanted to cry again. I subtly grabbed above my knee and squeezed. I did my best to keep it hidden from the camera view behind Niki's head.
I dont think Jay saw while he was looking at comments. The more everyone talked and asked one another questions made me feel out of place. Should I actually try to talk? No.
I couldnt. I dont know how I would sound. I'd be weirded out by my own voice. I shouldnt. I'm not comfortable enough. I decided against it. What was even worse was that the live lasted about 40+ minutes.
Amazing. It's only been a day and I'm feelings stressed. I wonder what's next to come.