My cheeks burn, and I shut off my phone, snuggling into Billie to hide. Without a word, she rests her head on mine and we lay silently, still catching our breath.
"Hey, Bil. I've got homework to finish before school tomorrow. I really wish I could stay-"
"Oh, of course. I'll take you home," she smiles, leaving a kiss on my cheek.
We leave Billie's room together, and I take her hand as we head out to her car. She opens the door for me and we drive home without speaking, just listening to music as we roll through the night.
When we arrive at my house, I turn to Billie and kiss her passionately, gripping her hair tightly. She lets a moan slip out and I smirk as I pull away. I grab my phone and step out, looking back at her before I close the passenger door.
She looks up at me, "Bye, Dezzy. I'll see you soon." She winks.
I nearly buckle at the knees and laugh awkwardly, "Bye Billie."
She chuckles and I shut the door, heading into my house. I smile widely as I enter the kitchen, "Hey, Mom."
"Hey, Sweetie," she starts, "Hungry?"
I nod.
"After all those brownies??" She laughs.
I blush red and think of a lie on the spot, "Yeah well they made me crave something savory."
She seems to believe me and turns to leave, "Okay well goodnight! I'm going to turn in early tonight. I love you."
"I love you too, Mom."
She leaves and I grab a Diet Coke from the fridge, heading up to my room and getting out my homework. I make slow progress, struggling to focus after scissoring Billie.
I still can't believe it's called scissoring. So crude.
After finishing my first assignment, I hear my phone vibrate on the desk. I get butterflies, wondering if it's Billie and turn the screen face up.
It is not Billie. It is Mia.
I grimace as I stare at the screen, battling myself on whether or not to pick up.
She might be calling to apologize.
I ultimately decide to pick up, and take in a nervous breath as I bring the phone to my ear.
"Hey, Mia?"
"Hey, Dez."
There is a silence on the line and neither of us speak. I just patiently wait for her to continue.
"I'm sorry about what I said."
I think for a moment, my heart aching to have her back, but my brain knowing better than to immediately give in.
"Thank you for apologizing," I reply.
There is another few seconds of silence, until Mia speaks again, "Are we good now?"
I take a deep breath, "No, not really."
More silence.
"Why?" Mia says shakily over the line.
My heart breaks for her. I can't help but love her, even after all she's said.
"Because one apology can't just fix everything. You hurt me and you hurt Billie and that's going to take time to heal. I don't feel safe with you anymore," I take a shaky breath, holding back tears, "and that breaks my heart but it's true."
"Mhm," Mia replies, quietly sniffling, "How can I make it up to you?"
"Accept me for being gay, and don't tell anyone."
My heart beats loudly in my ears as I await her reply. I wasn't planning to come out to her tonight, but I just said it before I had a moment to think.
"Oh- uhh okay, yeah. I love you, Dez. Are you dating Billie? Is that why you've been hanging out with her?"
"We can talk about my friendship with Billie another time," I say, remembering when Billie told me to ask her before outing us to someone.
"Oh, okay. I won't tell anyone about you, Dez. I promise."
"Good... Maybe we'll catch up sometime."
"Yeah," she says.
"Goodnight, Mia."
"Oh- goodnight."
I hang up the phone and stare down at the floor in front of me. I stand still, expressionless, taking a quiet moment to process. I feel proud of myself for holding my ground, and proud of myself for coming out. But, I also feel saddened by our stiff interaction, when only a couple weeks ago we were laughing and smiling together. I feel anxious about what she might think of me, if she thinks badly of me for being gay.
Still expressionless, I slowly and quietly make motions to get ready for bed. I give up on studying for the night, and once I'm in bed, I let a single tear fall down my cheek.
.
In the morning, my heart feels lighter after a good night's sleep. I'm still holding in my emotions, not ready to cave and cry. I quietly get ready for school, and give Billie a half-smile when she comes over to pick me up.
"You good?" She asks as she opens the passenger door for me.
"I don't really wanna talk about it," I admit, "It's nothing relating to you, I promise. Maybe later I'll feel up for talking."
I made sure to clarify I wasn't upset with her at all, wanting to reassure her so she doesn't worry too much.
"Okay, Sweetheart. Can I hold your hand?"
A small smile breaks on my features, "Yes."
She grasps my hand after shifting into drive, and we have a quiet ride to school, only communicating through the soft touch our hands share. I just stare out the window on my right, watching houses and cars pass by. A second tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away.
I know crying is good, and it's important to let your emotions out, but I just don't feel ready. I don't feel ready to lose control, to break down and let it all out. Maybe tonight or tomorrow... or never.
Maybe when I get a chance to talk to Billie. She's always made me feel safe when I cry.
The school day is plain, no encounters with Mia, and a couple short conversations with my girlfriend.
"Straight home?" Billie asks, getting into Dragon, "I am free to hang out today if you are."
I look over at her, excited that she actually has free time today, "I'd love to."
She smiles, "Okay, where would you like to go?"
"My house, that way we can be alone."
Billie chuckles, "Dangerous things happen when we're alone too long."
"We'll seeee."
I smile for the first time that day, and Billie drives us to my house. Once we walk inside, I start talking almost immediately, my mood much better than this morning.
"So I have a particular subject in mind. Something sure to cheer me up."
Billie sits on the couch and I follow, her arm wrapping around my shoulders as we situate.
"And what is that?" She asks.
"Sex. I love talking about sex."
"Sex?" She says with a chuckle, "You really like how it feels, huh."
I nod enthusiastically.
Billie chuckles again, "Okay, baby girl. But after we talk about sex we have to talk about something more serious."
"What?? Whyyy?" I complain, "I don't wanna talk about my thing."
"Well I have a thing too."
I sober up, "Oh. I didn't even think of that. I'm so sorry I made this whole day about myself."
Billie smiles and rubs my back, "Don't sweat it. My thing hasn't been consuming my mind like yours, otherwise I would have told you sooner."
"Promise? You can always tell me things, even if I'm upset too."
"I promise," Billie says, "So, let's talk about sex, Dezzy, since that's your topic of choice."
I smirk, "Okayyy, what do you wanna talk about?"
"Well, what turns you on to talk about? That's the point of this, right? You wanna be turned on?"
I blush profusely, "Yessss, of course. Um I guess I could ask- do you have any lingerie?"
Billie blushes, "Uhh yeah. One set."
I smile, imagining what she might look like in the sexy underwear, "What does it look like?"
She tilts her head, cheeks still stubbornly red, "well it's kind of just a black lacy set, but very see-through. And I have a garter belt I wear with it."
"And when have you worn it?" I start getting jealous, and curse myself for asking a question I know could hurt my feelings.
"Mostly I just put it on when I want to feel confident and sexy," Billie blushes, "I sort of just stare at myself in the mirror. And sometimes I wear it when I touch myself."
I smile to myself, pleased she didn't mention any ex's, "I hope I get to see it some day."
She smiles, "I'm sure you will."
We continue talking about sexy topics, until the conversation turns to Billie's 'thing'.
"So, what is it?" I ask, "Is it bad?"
She looks up to think, "Maybe, maybe not. Depends on what your answer is, I guess."
I put my hand on her stomach and rest my head in the crook of her arm, "Okay, I hope it's good."
"Me too," She puts her hand over mine, "Well, I'll just say it: I'm going on tour."
My heart drops.
"It's just over the summer, and only America. But that means I'll be gone all summer."
I reign in my emotions, wanting to be supportive of my girlfriend, "Well, I'm happy for you. This is a big opportunity for your music career."
She looks into my eyes, "I know. I'll just miss you so much."
I get choked up, but don't cry, "I'll miss you too."
"Which is why I wanted to ask..." my heart leaps at what she might say, "I wanted to ask if you'd go with me."
"Yes!" I say right away.
Billie giggles, hugging me tight, "I know you want to, silly girl, but we've gotta talk to your parents about it."
"I promise, Billie. I will make it work. It just has to."
She seems to get excited, "You promise?"
"I promise."
A/n:
My babies are going on tour together I'm so happy for them 🥹
And this book is finally COMPLETED