09
BEAUTIFUL SCARS
ZUKO STARED INTO THE MIRROR reflecting his current state; an angry, confused, fifteen-year-old boy with most of his left side covered in bandages from the incident. He could only see things clearly from the right side of his vision and hear things clearly from the same side too. The scorching fire born from the very palms of his own father rendered his left side hideous. He just knew it. The whole world sank into an abyssal darkness for him after his father burned the left side of his face. He could vaguely recall the events that led up to this moment.
He disrespected a general in the meeting room. He was forced to face in a match of Agni Kai not against the general, but against his father, Fire Lord Ozai. He dropped to his knees and begged for forgiveness. His father smiled. His father walked up to him with an understanding face and the prince believed he'd show mercy. His father touched the left side of his face and burned. Zuko screamed and wailed in sheer agony at the hot, HOT, HOT flames eating away his skin, melting it rapidly as if it had mistaken his skin for candle wax and it drooped down to his left arm, spreading the burns, spreading the fire, spreading the pain. The next thing he knew, the world turned black and he woke up with the family physician beside him, informing him it'll take months for his burned wounds to heal and reading aloud a message that declared his banishment from the Fire Nation — only able to return when he finds his honour upon finding the Avatar.
It had been too much to take in. The pain. The news. The facts. He was no longer Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation but Zuko, the exiled prince of the Fire Nation with nothing to be proud of except for the weight of his punishment on his shoulders, his honour long gone from his grasps. His goal now? He supposed it was to find his honour again and return with a new spark of proudness — of proving to his father that he would never disrespect him again and that he had done the impossible.
Zuko will search every nook and cranny of this god forsaken world for the Avatar, even if it will cost him his life.
And yet, layered over his brand new determined goal steeled inside of his head, was the hurt that came with the realisation that his own father had struck a permanent scar on the majority of his left side. He couldn't see in one eye. He couldn't hear in one ear. Despite being patched up, all he could feel was pain.
And pain was a hideous wolf baring its razor sharp picket-fence white fangs at him, leaping inside his ribcages through its spaces and tearing his own heart apart from the inside. Gnawing, chewing, masticating mercilessly turning what was once warm as the summer cold as the winter. Then it would flee to his mind and dig its claws into his pink brain, darkening it with blood red and sending Zuko into a spiral of a headache. Not only was the pain mental, it was just as agonising as it had been physical. On his left side, he couldn't stop burning. He couldn't stop feeling like he was still burning. The excruciating pain tearing his body from the inside out when the fire hit.
Zuko squeezed his right eye shut. When he reopened it, he saw the vague figure of his father in the mirror. Towering over him, amber eyes glinting with disapproval and disgust, lips curled down to a frown and Zuko had never felt so small before. Then he swore he could hear words leaving his father's lips:
YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. EVERYTHING YOU DO WON'T SUFFICE. YOU FAIL AT EVERYTHING IN LIFE. I MAY HAVE GIVEN YOU ONE MORE CHANCE BUT YOUR SUCCESS WILL BE EXTREMELY SLIM. YOU ARE DESTINED TO FAIL. TO NEVER COME BACK TO ME. WAKE UP CHILD AND TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE.
YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU DO NOT IMPRESS ME LIKE YOUR SISTER DOES. SHE WAS BORN LUCKY AND YOU WERE LUCKY TO BE BORN. IF YOU MUST PROVE YOURSELF THEN WORK YOURSELF TO THE BONE UNTIL THEY'RE CRUSHED. PROVE TO ME YOU CAN FIND THE AVATAR AND REGAIN YOUR HONOUR. SEARCH FOR HIM UNTIL YOUR MUSCLES ARE SORE AND YOUR EYES ACHE FROM GLARING AT THE BURNING SUN AT EVERY BRINK OF DAWN.
DO IT IF YOU MUST. BECAUSE YOUR LIFE IS NOTHING AND YOU ARE NOT—
Grabbing the nearest thing he could find, Zuko threw the object at the mirror and it shattered into dozens of pieces, glittering silver on the table as he was left staring into abyssal darkness before him again.
"Prince Zuko?"
A voice as soothing as jasmine tea was heard. It was awfully familiar. Despite it, he turned around to look and having appeared in the doorway was San, worry etched onto her features.
"What are you doing here?" He questioned rougher than he intended, having expected her to be with his sister instead.
"Checking up on you. I heard a loud crashing sound." She said. Zuko saw a hint of sorriness in her eyes as she took in the bandages wrapping up most of his left side from his face to his arm. Otherwise, she appeared relief that none of the mirror shards had scratched him anywhere. "General Iroh said he found the perfect boat to rent and wanted me to inform you."
"I see." He looked away. The boat was preparation for him to leave the Fire Nation indefinitely. "Shouldn't you be somewhere else right now? Azula must be looking for you."
Briefly, an indescribable gleam shone in her eyes and she found sudden interest in her sandals. "I'm not going back there." He turned to her with wide eyes and she made eye contact, firm with her following words. "I can help you."
"What?"
"I can help you find the Avatar." She paused. "I mean, the Avatar hasn't been seen for a hundred years so you need all the help you can get, right? I can be of some use."
Zuko stared. If he didn't know any better, he'd say she was seeing his banishment as an opportunity to join him and run away from Azula. Not that he could blame her. The way his sister had been treating her handmaiden... he'd have liked to get away too as soon as possible if he were in her position.
"Fine. You can come. Only because I do need all the help I can get to find the man who hasn't been seen in over a hundred years." He gave in, walking out. "What are you waiting for? Come on."
San had lingered in the doorway, staring at the broken mirror pieces with her brows furrowed, but as soon as he called her, she quickly made it to his side.
"Do you know who's going to be part of my crew apart from Uncle and you?"
"I heard it's Lieutenant Jee, 12 firebending soldiers, 12 non-bending soldiers, the helmsman, and a cook."
'I suppose that's not bad, but it's hardly an army.' He knew it was his father who picked the crew for him. In that case, they must be exceptionally qualified for their jobs. But as he walked up to the foredeck to meet his crew, only half of them were present. "Where's the rest?"
"I'm not sure." San chuckled weakly.
"Where's Uncle?"
"General Iroh said he was going to get his tsungi horn."
"His tsun- this isn't a vacation!" He snapped at no one in particular.
"No, it is not." Iroh was heard from behind, behind him one of the soldiers aiding him to carry his instrument. "But Prince Zuko, the Avatar hasn't been sighted since the beginning of this war. We don't know how long we'll be travelling across the world in search of him. At least when I bring my tsungi horn, we can begin music nights on the ship."
"Music nights?" San couldn't help her curiosity.
"Yes, to liven up the atmosphere on the boat sometimes. Do you play, San?"
"Just a shakuhachi. At least I used to." She answered, watching the prince storm off to interrogate the other crew members about where the others were. "But I don't own one. All I have brought with me is my mother's recipe book and this necklace."
"Ooh, what a lovely necklace!" He complimented, admiring the accessory she wore.
"Oh, and before I forget, I need to do something. But I promise I'll be right back!" And then before Zuko could realise, she rushed off the boat to carry out whatever she had in mind. Iroh shrugged, being reassured she'd be back soon, and sat down to start playing his tsungi horn to pass by time.
"Hey, Uncle. Have you seen San?" Zuko inquired later when the sun was overhead, heading to the foredeck where his uncle in the flesh was seated on a wooden chair playing the tsungi horn. He had to yell his question the second time after he couldn't hear the first.
"Yeah, she left a little while ago but will come back as soon as she can. She said something about burying broken mirror piece under moonlight...?" Iroh trailed off, putting down his tsungi horn.
'Broken mirror shards? Like the one I broke earlier today?' Zuko was addled. He knew not a single person out there who would bury broken glass under moonlight. It sounded like a joke at first.
But then San came back two minutes later, panting from sprinting all the way from wherever she had been to the ship about to depart. "Sorry for my tardiness, Prince Zuko. I had something urgent to do first."
"Burying mirror shards under moonlight is urgent?" He deadpanned, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Not when you say it out loud." She chuckled nervously, appearing embarrassed. "I just believe that broken mirrors bring bad luck. It is said that if you see one, it means you'll be cursed with seven years of bad luck! And the only way it can be nullified is to bury the broken pieces under the moonlight."
'I didn't know she was the superstitious type. I guess it isn't surprising.' The conversation ended then and there. He planned to search first in the four air temples situated in each corner of the world. The last Avatar was an airbender so it was the most logical route to follow. "Headsman! Make a course for the Western Air Temple!"
Dinner was to be served by the cook. Everyone ate in a large room with a long table in the centre surrounded by dozens of chairs. Zuko and Iroh, being royalty, dined in a different room with a low table and cushions as their seats.
"Forgive me for intruding, General Iroh, Prince Zuko..." began San, walking in with a bow as she held out a steaming plate of roasted chicken, "...but I would like to give an extra plate of roasted chicken if any of you would like."
"Yes, please!" Iroh beamed like a child celebrating over being gifted a new toy. She placed the plate down before him. "Prince Zuko will arrive here soon to eat his dinner. Do you want to eat with us?"
"No, I can't." San rejected as politely as she could, though she had been alarmed by the invite as she never expected it. "It would be rude of me. Er, with me being a handmaiden and all."
"But you're not Azula's handmaiden anymore, I don't think." He said, raising his cup of jasmine tea. "So now you're, uh... actually, I'm not quite sure. You're definitely not a servant, so I suppose you're just here as Prince Zuko's dear friend, haha! Now, come and have dinner with us. Bring your food here."
"Oh, actually..." She gave a nervous chuckle, "...the roasted chicken was my dinner. I'm a vegetarian but I forgot to tell the cook that so I was going to head into the kitchen and make my own dinner, like my soup since it's quick and easy to make."
"Your soup!" Iroh gasped, remembering something important. "My nephew told me about it."
"He has?"
"Indeed. He said it was the best soup he ever tasted and that you should have been the palace chef instead of Princess Azula's handmaiden."
San's cheeks heated up. She didn't think her soup would be that good for the prince to talk about it fervently to his uncle.
"Although I do have an extra dish of salad here." He continued, changing the topic as he brought the small bowl of salad over to her. "You can have that for dinner, I don't mind. Think of it as an exchange. I receive your roasted duck and you receive my salad though if you still want, feel free to head into the kitchen to make your soup."
"Thank you, General Iroh." San said, sitting down after he insisted. It was strange- sitting down and dining at the same table as royalty. She used to have snacks beside Azula but that was different. This time, she was having dinner beside the Dragon of the West who seemed less frightening than his title and more full of warmth like an ordinary uncle simply having good vibes.
Five minutes later, Zuko stormed in. Immediately, San realised he shaved off all the hair on his head except for his ponytail. The act of shame, the consequence of losing the Agni Kai to an important figure. Had he not done it out of sacred custom, she would have made fun of it.
"San." He acknowledged with a hint of surprise. "You're going to eat with us?"
"If it's not a problem." She said, her lips curving into an awkward smile.
"It's not." He decided and sat down, not meeting her eyes.
The dinner was pleasantly quiet. San was enjoying her salad very much as was Iroh with his roasted duck, but Zuko hadn't eaten anything yet, much less touched his cutleries. Instead, he seemed to want to say something first, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.
"You..." He began, prompting San to look up. "You really love salads. And, uh, eating vegetables and fruits."
"Yes." She answered. There was a long pause- for she was expecting him to continue but he didn't so she did as an alternative. "Aren't you going to eat, Prince Zuko?"
"No!"
He yelled and stood up abruptly, taking San aback and confusing his uncle. Zuko himself looked as if he didn't mean to snap but shook his head and left with his food completely untouched.
"He's having a difficult time lately," Iroh sighed. "If only I had insisted for him to not come to that war meeting..."
San kept quiet. She knew Zuko was nurturing his anger deep down and using it as fuel to keep himself going. She couldn't imagine the agony of having your own father burn one side of your face and then banish you from the nation, placing a heavy burden on your shoulders by making you search for a man who has not been seen in a hundred years. Hence she couldn't blame him for not seeming like himself lately. And yet surprisingly, despite having been snapped at a minute ago, she felt fine.
No fear, no goosebumps, no worry. Nothing. Different from whenever Azula would yell at her. Perhaps it was because Zuko had never accidentally hurt her physically before. Perhaps it was because she didn't find his rage frightening compared to Azula's. San resumed eating her salad in the soundless atmosphere and drank jasmine tea when she was finished.
The journey to the Western Air Temple took longer than San predicted. They had to dock their ship and travel miles to the actual location which was quite faraway from the dock, so the team boarded the rhinos to make travel faster. Then they dropped down a rope and climbed down because it was situated underneath the edge of the cliff, upside down.
Spirits, was it a sight to behold! San had never seen an air temple before in person, much less any architecture outside of the Fire Nation, and she instantly found the designs the temple had going on fascinating. A wall of statues adorned the temple's exterior, steps built into the side of the cliff to allow movement between different buildings and tiers of the temples. In the centre of where they landed, there was a fountain running peacefully.
"Search for the Avatar!" Zuko demanded, the soldiers obeying immediately.
San doubted they would get lucky on their first try but ran off anyway to more or less explore (of course, she'd still be on the lookout for the Avatar). She found an airball court and an obstacle course presumably for large flying animals and finally, a room with a giant Pai Sho table.
'I saw a smaller version of this before.' San grazed the surface lightly with her index finger, the dust sticking. 'I wonder if it's easy to play,'
In her peripheral vision, she noticed something stark red hiding behind debris. She approached it cautiously and held it to get a closer look, recognising it as a Fire Nation soldier's helmet. Already broken and battered, likely from a hundred years ago.
Her father taught her that Fire Lord Sozin began the war by wiping out the entirety of the Air Nomads using Sozin's Comet. All of them wiped out from the four corners of the world- just like that. A complete genocide. Her father said Fire Lord Sozin did it to hunt down the Avatar, knowing he was reborn as an Air Nomad, but was unsuccessful. Fire Lord after Fire Lord attempted to seek him again but remained fruitless too. The genocide was justified because history said Sozin believed the Avatar would prevent the Fire Nation from expanding their state of peace and wealth to the rest of the world. Every other nation, in their eyes, was inferior.
Those were all the words San was spoon-fed since she was four.
The ongoing war was thought to be necessary. The Fire Lords and their objectives were painted in a good light. But San always doubted her father's teachings. Yes, the Fire Nation prospered and were wealthy in resources but had the genocide of the Air Nomads been absolutely necessary? San always thought it a pity there remained none until this day unless the Avatar was somehow alive after all this time.
'Even if they were, what were they doing all this while?' She pondered as she tossed the helmet off the cliff. 'For over a hundred years? I can't think of any reason but them having abandoned the world suddenly. My father says his disappearance is a good thing but my mom says it's a pity. I guess I'll only understand what the Avatar is like when I meet him. IF I do at all.'
✷
SAN KNEW ZUKO WAS NOT getting a wink of sleep. He didn't try hiding it either. He would not hear something Lieutenant Jee said as he demanded him to repeat it and the eye bags were growing obvious. Iroh would point them out but he'd get yelled at and the others were too afraid to incite his wrath too though everyone was concerned for the mental and physical state of the exiled prince.
"Come in." Zuko said after hearing a polite double knock on his door. San entered. "Any news on the Avatar sightings?"
"No news, just an observation." She admitted, watching him pace back and forth restlessly. "Zuko, you didn't eat dinner again and barely touched your lunch earlier today."
"So what? I ate filling meals yesterday." He retorted without sparing a glance. "If this is about you getting me to eat, then you're wasting your time."
"How about drinking soup then?"
A familiar decadent scent wafted through the air, reaching his nostrils as he stopped. He turned his head to see her holding a bowl of her famous soup, the exact one he loved when he was younger.
"Fine." He gave in, taking the bowl and spoon and sitting on the edge of his bed to drink. San smiled and sat down next to him, not finished talking yet.
"General Iroh said you should try to sleep again tonight, even if you don't want to. At least lie down on your bed comfortably instead of walking back and forth, sitting on your desk, and practicing firebending all by yourself."
"So he made you come here now."
"No, no, Prince Zuko. I came here on my own accord." San hesitated, carefully picking her next words. "I just passed by him when he told me to say those things to you. I know you hate that he tells you to get some sleep but we're all concerned for you. General Iroh and I know how important finding the Avatar is for you and, well, think of it like this- it'll be much better to face the Avatar and capture them when you're in a well-rested state, don't you think?"
"Right." He said after some thought. "I understand what you mean, San. I need to be prepared once I face the Avatar. Once I do, they'll be over a hundred years old and master of all the elements. I need to be well-rested and a great firebender. You and uncle will teach me."
"Pardon?" San said, blinking.
"Both of you will help me master my firebending better. My uncle's self-explanatory. Meanwhile, you've sparred with Azula before and your fire's like no other." Then he paused. "Actually, you never told me something, San. What will you do once I've captured the Avatar?"
"I'll go home." She answered, looking down at her dangling feet. "I want to go home and see my mom again. I want to live as much of a normal life as I can. That is, if I don't get punished for running away from the palace."
Weeks had passed and there was nothing regarding Azula demanding San to return or someone being hired to take San back to the palace for the princess appearing. Zuko himself didn't know if such was a good thing or bad thing considering this was his sister they were talking about. Anything could happen. He caught the anxiety flicker in her eyes and the faint glimmer of hope, that perhaps she could really live free once this was over.
"I won't let her." He said. "I won't let her punish you. Once we capture the Avatar, you can go home to your mom and I can restore my honour."
"We?"
"We're partners." He concluded his thoughts out loud, making eye contact. "We'll find the Avatar together and get what we want."
San's surprise slowly turned to hopeful joy. "Sounds like a plan, Prince Zuko."
"You can just call me Zuko." Rubbing the nape of his neck, he spoke without thinking. "I insist."
"Zuko." She enunciated slowly, not used to calling a royal by their name without the title. "If you really insist."
Rain poured again outside the ship as it made its course to the Eastern Air Temple. For the first time since he left the Fire Nation, Zuko allowed himself to sleep soundly, the rain providing a certain peace and comfort as he looked forward to the day he would find the Avatar and regain his honour.
A/N: this chapter provided a little insight to the very start of their journey before canon events take place which will continue in the following chapter, then we'll finally see aang and all, woo! I'm not a big fan of following the canon stuff strictly especially because you all probably know the story by heart already so I'll try to minimise it and add as many of my own little plots into this story as it goes along smoothly. although there's definitely some iconic lines that I'll add here just because. I also hope I portrayed zuko's internal struggle with being banished at the beginning of this chapter well. that being said, hope you enjoyed and stay tuned for more! <3
love,
coral