I wanted someone to love, I wanted someone to come into my life to save me. I wanted that someone to stop me from doing something that disgusted me. I wanted a lot, maybe too much. Maybe it's karma and I was an asshole in a past life and now it's backfired on me. I wanted to howl with despair, but I couldn't give up. Mix and Earth went out of their way to help me. There were also Perth Nakhun and Lay Talay Sanguandikul, two friends who played together in the BL series. It would be difficult for me without them. Even now writing about it is incredibly difficult, but I know I have to do it, and I have to do it now, right now, before something slips from my memory or turns into something else. Memories have the ability to change.
That's why I'm sitting in my room writing more sentences. Mix thinks it'll help me, that's what I need. How funny! We've never been close, and yet Mix seems to care about me. I wonder how much he knows about me? Or maybe he knows everything and that's why he is like this? Maybe he feels sorry for me?
My heart breaks.
I miss Zee so damn much, I miss Nat... Even a little bit for Max, that withdrawn and introverted recluse Natasitt calls his boyfriend. They're a very sweet couple, I used to tease them sometimes by pretending to throw up while they had their sweet moments... I mean, I'm already throwing up rainbows because of both of you. But they were my friends. On the other hand, I met Earth on the set of one of the series, in which I also played the main character. Later, Earth introduced me to Mix. When I started my talent school for talented pupils and students, I wanted to have Mix and Earth at my place, but both were already bound by contracts with their labels.
I listen to songs and suddenly the meaning of one of them hits me... And I feel even more lonely, unnecessary. I keep getting into trouble.
Yesterday I learned something that shocked me. I have to write about it. I realize the ramifications of revealing this if something causes this text file to fall into the wrong hands, but I can't leave it at that, not now that I know others have suffered the same as me. This monster has to be stopped somehow, even if it costs my life, I don't care, Zee has left me anyway and I will never be able to talk to him again...
I drink another coffee, I don't even know which one anymore, I don't eat, I have no appetite, if anything, I force myself to do so when I'm in someone's company. I saw myself in the mirror this morning, I know I'm starting to look like a wreck and that's how I feel, but then I have to go to work, put a smile on my face, pants, shirt and shoes and leave as usual. Then, at work, I forget about everything, focus on current tasks and somehow move forward.
And today I have to write it all down.
It's not easy.
How could I forget something like that? I did something very wrong, I feel remorse, I regret it, today maybe I would do it differently, maybe I would tell Zee everything and we would figure something out together, but then I was too scared, I was stupid and maybe a little shocked, I didn't think logically and now I have effects. Well, I can't turn back time, but I'll try to find a way to fix everything. I can see that he is close with this new actor, New Chawarin, I would like to talk to the young man, warn him to stay away from our world and from Zee.
Oh, I'm getting too far off topic. I was supposed to write about what I did and what I learned. I'm going to start with myself because I'm fucking ashamed and I want to get this over with. Please, if you're reading this, don't hate me completely anymore. Keep in mind that I wanted to save a friend. I know, it's no excuse and nothing should make me do this, nothing justifies me. I did wrong and now I'm suffering the consequences, don't punish me any more, it still hurts.
So... I almost raped someone.... Someone... No, not just someone... It was my best friend, a man who was always there for me and never wanted anything in return, a beautiful man who, because of me, closed himself off, people and stopped fighting. There was a moment when I stopped trying to hold back, and although I feel disgusted with myself just thinking about it, I wanted it then... I can't explain it and I know that no words can change anything here... Zee didn't want it, he didn't look at me that way, and yet I wanted to do it to him. If Max hadn't stopped me... I dread to think what would have happened... Max, a man who knows how fucking hurts when someone uses you like this. And here we come to what I found out, although I already suspected it.
Now I understand better why Max doesn't like meeting new people or integration meetings, and he's terrified of touching other people. It wasn't always like this, and now he only trusts Zee and Nat. Max was forced to pay with his own body for Nat's safety, he knew P'Sky's methods all too well, so why didn't it occur to him that P'Sky could be blackmailing me as well? Why didn't he think I did it because I had no other choice? The answer is trivially simple: when you see one of your friends trying to hurt your closest friend and the only person who understands you, you don't think about the reasons, you want to protect the person closest to you from suffering. Max reacted instinctively, he did what he should and I don't feel sorry for him, on the contrary, I'm glad he did it, I'm glad that he showed up on time and that he can testify to everyone what he saw. And what he saw was reason enough to break off the friendship. So Zee was safe for a while at least, not exactly happy, but at least safe and sound.
Only now Chawarin appeared. And while he seems to make Zee happy, he can also be a deadly threat to Zee.
And I'm standing at a crossroads and I don't know which way to go... Should I leave it alone and hope that New is braver and stronger than me, that he'll do better, or that P'Sky by some strange coincidence (that was impossible, bad people don't change, they just get worse, and that makes me even more worried). Both options seem unlikely. That's why I'm writing this: in the hope that when all other options to save Zee and other people like us fail (I'm still trying to reach them, I've talked to a few of them, but no one wants to speak openly against this tyrant and sadist, they're afraid that it will get even worse, and I no longer have contact with Max) my text will help dispel any doubts.
P'Sky is the one responsible for all these atrocities. P'Sky forced Max to have sex with his buddy. And not just once, Max has been P'Cloud's plaything many times. Unlike P'Sky, P'Cloud is really good-looking, tall, muscular, with thick black hair, he might be appealing if he wasn't completely evil, acted like some big mob boss, and I could I can only speculate that he is, but I've never found any evidence, if any, of circumstantial evidence that is too weak to hold him accountable in any way. And while many people know that P'Sky is nothing more than an ugly criminal, possibly a murderer who hurts people around him because it's great fun for him, nobody does anything about it. Everyone is afraid of his revenge. Some of us have families, boyfriends we worry about, and no one wants to risk it.
My words...
Well, my words to P'Sky's may mean nothing, so I work hard every day to establish myself in our world. I recruit new, talented actors, musicians and dancers, help them sign good contracts, teach them and try to prepare them for what a difficult task they will face. I don't tell them openly about what many of us have been through because of P'Sky, for now I prefer to lull the vigilance of this fucking bastard who gives me powerful waves of anger at the thought. Let him think that I have forgotten and that I am living my own life again, the talent school is a good cover. What's more, I can even send one of my charges to spy on you.
I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but maybe one day P'Zee will see how much I've changed and how much I've gone through to protect him and he won't hate me anymore... I don't want anything else, I just want him to be safe.. But as long as P'Sky lives, no one is safe...
If you're reading this, either the case has been solved or...
Or I'm dead, and if I died, I hope that at least I saved someone in the end, that my efforts and words were useful for something. If there's anything else you need, you'll have to look for it, all I can say is that it's in a place only Zee knows, because I used to take him there every time P'Sky tormented us. There you will find gadgets from our series, among them will be everything you need, including a flash drive with recordings, voice and text files, today I don't know exactly what it will be, because every week I go there and replace the flash drive with a new one, supplemented with folders that I managed to get in a given week. P'Zee should know...
I can hear a dog howling outside my window. I read somewhere that there is a country where people believe that whoever the dog howls will die quickly. Does that mean my time is up? As soon? What about Zee, what about the others, what about Max? You can't leave it like that. This makes me think again. Something needs to be done. Even more so if I was actually going to die at the hands of that fucking tyrant.
I think about everything now, how our lives have changed. We entered the entertainment industry as young, inexperienced and naive boys who saw that BL is something that is gaining popularity, so it can help us fulfill our dreams, open the way to great, sometimes even global careers. Who hasn't dreamed of winning a Grammy or an Oscar? Even though we now know how corrupt the people behind both awards are, we didn't know it back then, we were so ignorant! Starting off, I was pretty sure that if I could prove that I could play the feeling for another man (which was damn hard for me at the time, it took a lot of effort, dedication and even weeks of training) then I would get any role because the producers and directors would see my involvement. It happened otherwise. Not only did I not get any offers from outside the BL world, I actually received a lot of comments openly calling me gay. For the first few weeks I was devastated, at first I didn't understand why so many people couldn't tell the fictional world from the real one. The worst thing that happened to me then was breaking up with P'Am.
I knew P'Am from the beginning of our schooling together. It was she who persuaded me to audition for the BL series, she said it was the best way. I trusted her because it's hard not to trust your girlfriend, right? A week after the premiere of the first episode of the series, she broke up with me. She didn't want to talk to me or see me. I was devastated, I didn't know what had happened or how to fix it, and I missed her. I fell into such despair that I began to hate my first stage partner, even though he was quite enjoyable to play with.
And then P'Zee showed up and made me realize there was something that had always been inside of me, but that I had been running from until now.
My fans weren't happy that I traded my previous partner for P'Zee, and I was too heartbroken after P'Am to fully understand what was going on between us. Besides, P'Zee was always adamant that he didn't feel anything for me, and he used to say he already had someone. Only he didn't, and we both knew it. Zee was the playboy type. Today no one would believe it, he seems so quiet, calm and organized, he acted like that around me too, but I've seen him flirt with other people more than once, and it didn't matter to him whether they were men or women, although he paid the most attention to those who were younger than himself, as if to rejuvenate himself. I didn't mind, telling myself that P'Zee's private life was of no concern to me. But that's what I was trying to warn him about.
"Don't get caught," — I said whenever I met him in a bar, surrounded by a bunch of young guys and girls, some of them really cool, others looking disgusting, drunk and not very aware of the reality around them, with red, sweaty faces, hair sticking out all sides, shirts unbuttoned, showing bare chests. I still remember one time when I wanted to help P'Zee somehow and I took him to my own house. I didn't know where he lived at the time, and he was too drunk to tell me. When he woke up the next morning in my room, he accused me of depriving him of his fun.
Now I'm wondering if this New Chawarin guy knows this side of him? Should I tell him, warn him? I have my doubts, but if you're reading this, it means that for some reason they have disappeared or no longer matter.
And if you're going to say anything to BL fans, you can tell them from me to never believe anything they see on their phone screens, most of us really don't have any problem pretending to have feelings for someone else for a few hours at a time. We practice for a long time to get to this skill, but the best of us can fool anyone. We are paid for that.
Take Singto and Krist for example. Two good friends, who initially didn't even like each other in their school days, are now able to pretend to be in love with each other, if only someone requires them to. And in private? Well, it's none of my business to talk about their private lives as they wish, they will say so.
And M&E? At one time, the hottest couple in the world of BL, playing the main and main characters in xxx (I can't write the title, sorry, I don't want to make things more difficult for them)... Fans' behavior, especially the so-called shipping led to the fact that both began to feel uncomfortable in their company and decided to hide their relationship from the whole world. I'm only writing about it openly because I've talked to both of them and they've agreed to let me say what I know in an exceptional case... And what do I know...? Well, I'll leave that to myself too.
On the other hand, Neo and Louis are the best friends, there is nothing romantic between them at all, but they like to play with each other. It often happens with us that if you find someone with whom it is easier and more fun to perform and play a similar role, you get along and start going to auditions together. It's easier that way and it saves a lot of effort.
I realize what an impact this release can have, lots of fans will be distraught and devastated when they find out that their favorite ships have been created and played, that everything has been rehearsed many times, every gesture, even as small as a clasp too much of our companion's shirt showing or feeding each other or holding hands are just directed and well-acted roles that there is absolutely nothing real about it. On the one hand, I don't want to do this at all, but on the other...
On the other hand, there are us, artists, actors who have been associated with the Boys Love industry for a while, this patch, once stuck on you, will stay on you forever and no matter how hard you try, you won't change it. For some, you will forever be that disgusting, abnormal guy who kissed another guy. And it won't matter that you did it for the movie, it's just your job.
You know?
I couldn't admit it for long, even to myself, but it hurt when Zee got various roles, not only in BL series, but also in regular dramas and non-BL comedies. I was aware that he had earned it himself, that he had a perfect look and a deep, very masculine, charming voice that was able to captivate the audience, but still I couldn't stop the emerging feeling of rejection, of being inferior, more underrated. I kept wondering what does he have that I don't have?
Did you know I auditioned for the Cutie Pie series? I was there, standing in the crowd in front of the building, but I never went inside. I gave up when I saw Zee. He walked towards the entrance thoughtfully, with a large black bag over his shoulder, in which he probably carried his usual tablet or laptop, some cosmetics, sunglasses, a change of t-shirt, wallet and a few other less necessary things. My heart was beating so hard as I looked at him, I held my breath unconsciously, as if I was afraid he would hear me. I looked at him from a distance, I had no right to come closer. I also saw Chawarin, I remembered him because he immediately stood out from the crowd. There was something about him that made you respect him from the very beginning. He was not very tall, had a fair, delicate-looking complexion, unevenly cut bangs of black, thick hair that gleamed in the sun, and was dressed very tastefully. He came with two that looked like his friends, a girl and a boy. He had big lips and plump cheeks, definitely Zee's type. A young, inexperienced boy to be taken care of and shown and taught everything - definitely someone perfect for Zee. It occurred to me then to take some pictures of him, I still have them on one of the flash drives. As Chawarin entered the building, I backed off and headed back to my place of work, but I asked Perth to keep an eye on the boy...
Did I know about P'Zee being Perth's crush?
Yes, I was aware of that and took advantage of it rudely. Perth Nakhuntanagarn and Zee Pruk Panich have known each other for a long time, but have not had many opportunities to work together. I secretly hoped that Perth would win Zee's heart, because I believed that Perth would be able to defend P'Zee in case of need, that he was very strong and brave, even if he was also somewhat considered an introvert...
This is the fifth day I'm writing this, it's not going too easy for me. Some paragraphs I delete as soon as I write them, others after two hours, some I just change, but I'm never completely satisfied. I wish people who might possibly read this (it's a last resort, I don't like humiliating myself that much) would understand me better, so that they wouldn't hate me. I didn't take time off from work, I don't want anyone to get suspicious, so I only have evenings and nights to write this. It's hard, I admit.
Perth rarely talks to me, I have no idea why. Maybe he knows what I've done, maybe he suspects something, but he's not sure. Nakhun is not one to judge others easily, he is someone who absolutely needs to gather more data to keep from appearing ignorant, he always listens to everyone carefully and acts like someone whose biggest worry is that he won't have anyone to talk to play his favorite online game.
* * *
I finally gave up trying to describe what was in my head, it was just too much. I spent several days thinking about how to put it into words, how to describe it succinctly, to the point and understandably, so as not to bore someone who might possibly be reading it. I came up with the idea of describing it after talking to Mixxiw. He's a smart boy, he runs a YouTube channel with Earth and they're in some commercials from time to time, our schedules are often 100% full with only two or four days off a month, less often we have a whole 6-8 days off, so neither I nor they have many opportunities to meet and talk.
I closed my laptop, took two empty coffee cups and left the room. I hadn't even had time to put the cups in the sink when I heard my phone ring. I had to go back to my office, which I had arranged in a typical industrial style, with metal furniture, shiny metal blinds on the windows, and the floor styling to resemble the bare gray concrete so characteristic of a construction site. The gray walls showed red brick in places. On the windowsills of the large windows, letting in a lot of daylight, I placed miniature trees, the so-called bonzai, cactus pots that did not require much care. The whole house, except for the bedroom, was decorated in this way, mostly white, grey, black and blue, with red or orange peeking out here and there. Large chandeliers in geometric shapes hung from the ceilings, and a glass table in the living room was placed on top of two used Pirelli tires from the 2017 Formula 1 race in China.
I was incredibly proud of my home. The building was large, spacious, hidden between tall conifers to the north and palm trees to the south, with a small swimming pool on the west side, which was accessed through a terrace made of bamboo. The funny thing is that I bought some home furnishings with Zee and sometimes Natasitt when we were all off. Max didn't come with us very often, then I thought he didn't like it, now I know a different reason...
Talking on the phone with Win, with whom we were to perform together at the concert, and discussing the details of the next rehearsal, which we arranged for at his house, I walked between the rooms and from time to time I corrected or rearranged something.
Win had a lot to tell me, and his mouth wouldn't shut up. He also suggested that we take advantage of the fact that Mew and Gulf are no longer performing together and bring one of them to our show.
— What about Bright?Can't you persuade him? — I asked, putting the books I had read and left on the nightstand earlier on the bookcase next to the bed.
— I'd love to, but that moron already has a fashion show in Venice on this date.
I laughed softly. How typical of them! They often called each other morons or idiots, made silly jokes, pranked each other, spent a lot of time working apart, and when they did meet somewhere, I was sure we were in for trouble. Win was very forgetful, to the point that on one occasion Bright had to guard his passport and plane tickets at the airport on his first flight abroad. He often forgot a comb, cosmetics, a piece of clothing or jewelry, left phones or watches somewhere, and then in a panic searched for it, convinced that it was lost forever, only to conclude that each of these items was safely among his friend's luggage.
— You're not listening to me at all!— I was accused by Win, who must have heard my laughter. — Don't laugh at my misfortune! It's me who is forced to look for someone who will perform with me at the last minute! Only two weeks left, what should I do?! Give me some advice and don't just laugh stupidly!
— Oh, I'm sorry, sir, for offending you, I didn't mean it badly — I sneered, sitting back on the couch. — But what exactly do you expect from me? I will perform with you!
— I know that, but I need someone else, otherwise it won't work and I'll have to return the money to the fans.
— Why would you give anything back to anyone? It's stupid. You will not have to return anything to anyone. Stop thinking so black. It'll be fine, you'll see that you panicked unnecessarily.
— Mhm... You'd better find someone!
—Uh! Okay, now, who suits you? Gulf? I don't think there are any plans for that day yet, it's Sunday after all.
— Could be Gulf, if you can convince him.
— I'll do it. Give me an hour. And then I'll see you at your place, prepare something to drink for everyone — I ordered. I was mainly responsible for this concert, I organized it to promote the new series (of course BL, because our whole group had the most experience in these), the second episode of which premiered today. Billy and Seng were also going to be part of it because they were one of the four main couples. I was supposed to have Singto and Krist as well, but Krist had to be replacde by Pond Naravit Lertratkosum that Singto brought to me himself. Krist didn't even want to be in our series, and if it wasn't for Pond, I might have been in serious trouble. Fortunately, Pond turned out to be a hardworking and obedient worker, we had no problems with him. Watching his diligence and commitment, I understood that Pond can play with any partner and it will not be too difficult for him.
There was only one task left for me: convince Gulf to help me. Gulf didn't star in our show as a main character, he only made cameo appearances, but that alone gave me the arguments I needed.
The organization of this concert absorbed me completely, leaving no time or energy for anything else. Me and Poy Kristanapong were to be the hosts while Gulf, Pond, Win, Cooper Patpasit Na Songkhla, Singto, Billy, Seng and Lay were our main artists. We practiced every song, every dance until we dropped, even if we were sore and lay down on the cool floor in the training room that Win had prepared in his home. There was a lot of laughter, fun, snapping photos and capturing the best moments on recordings that landed on Instagram accounts of each of us. When I was doing this, I felt alive, I felt needed, I was involved in it with all my being, I didn't even mind bringing meals to the boys, and ultimately even personally feeding one of them. It was Pond who mostly coaxed me and asked me to feed him. He usually used the argument that since I was the one who made him so tired from the rehearsal that he couldn't lift his arm, I must feed him too. We all laughed at him, but somehow he didn't mind.
— Hey, Saint, isn't Pond hitting on you by any chance? — Win asked me one day with a sly grin on his face. We happened to be standing in the audience, looking towards the stage where my artists were practicing another dance, this time without the participation of Win and Singto, who had a duet performance right after our merry bunch.
— Pond? Nooo, he's just gathering experience for the next series. There is talk of a big European client coming in, no word on who or what exactly yet, but I can tell you what I know: big production, lots of money, and almost certainly another BL series, nothing more I don't know. Anyway, Pond's hoping to get the part, and I've agreed to help him prepare, that's all. — I explained calmly. I didn't want misunderstandings and understatements in my team, we were one team and at the moment we were playing to one goal, that's why it was so important for everyone to do exactly what they were supposed to do.
— Oh, is that why you flirt with each other?
—Exactly.
— Oh, my turn. I have to go — Win winked at me before walking towards the stage. — And you have my full support, even if Pond were serious about you. I'd rather you with him than with Phuwin anyway.
— Watch out or I'll kick your ass — I threatened him jokingly. He wasn't afraid of me. He stuck his tongue out at me and ran backstage.
It's funny how unpredictable life is: one minute you're crying alone in your room, and the next you're laughing out loud in the company of your subordinates, and you think maybe this is where you belong.
💜❤️🏳️🌈💜❤️🏳️🌈💜❤️🏳️🌈💜❤️🏳️🌈💜❤️🏳️🌈💜
From the author!
Dear!
I want to thank you here for all the stars and views, I miss some of your comments, they would help me a lot. Of course, this story is complete fiction, having little to do with reality. Although the characters are modeled after real people, this is mainly due to my problems with describing people's appearance. This fanfiction is not intended to offend anyone or cause distress, 95% of the events depicted here have never taken place in the real world and are only a figment of my imagination for the purposes of the so-called plot.
If you have any comments, doubts, questions or anything, don't be afraid to write to me. Do you know that this is how I met one of the people closest to me today? Be brave, I don't bite! (Unless someone wants me to bite him/her 😇🤣🤪)
I have a few tiny questions for you and please answer honestly:
1. What do you like the most about this story so far?
2. What do you like LEAST about this story?
3. Is there anything that surprised you here that you didn't expect?
4. If you were Saint, what would you do? Would you warn NuNew at the risk of your own life, or let them discover the horrors of the BL entertainment world for themselves?