I felt like the hero of the book on which the movie or series was based. I had a nagging feeling that this was not the end, that this was only the beginning. I read the same line of text over and over again, and I didn't understand the meaning at all. It didn't reach me. All I remember is that kiss.
"New, why did you do that? Why do you play with my feelings like that? Why do you make me want to be with you always, want to be close to you, protect you?"
I can't forget his eyes, his smile... He seemed so proud of himself after what he had done! And I thought when we first met that he was such a polite, well-behaved, cute and innocent cutie! And here it turns out that he can be feisty and naughty! But that's the side of him I loved the most: when he was himself and made me feel like I was 18 again.
- Do you want to kiss me? - I asked in complete shock. I didn't expect this, I didn't expect him to feel what I felt. He seemed too young to understand it, I myself, despite my age, was still lost in it. I let him do everything, I was so surprised that my mouth reacted on its own, I responded to his taunt. Although it lasted no more than a second, in my memories it lasts at least a minute. My heart did a flip and I jumped off the bed still in shock and started wrapping Nu in the sheets.
- Have some shame and cover yourself - I told him.
I couldn't stop smiling, luckily it was the last shot of the day. We could wash off our makeup, change into our clothes, and go back to our room to rest. After such a long and tiring day, we deserved a good rest and something good to eat.
It seemed to me that my soul was floating in the air, flowing, separated from the body and became an independent entity. I touched my lips thoughtfully. A gesture like from the show we both played in. But those feelings... Didn't they come because of the characters we played? New... Did he know what he was doing? Or was he just frozen?
New allowed me to spend the night at his place, which made me very happy. On the way we talked about the events of the previous day, I did not let the topic of an unexpected kiss pass by.
-You have a good technique, where did you learn to kiss like that? Have you had a girlfriend or boyfriend before? - I asked directly, and he turned his face the other way, probably to hide his embarrassment. - New, tell me the truth.
- I've never had anyone before - He whispered very softly, so softly that I could barely make out his voice over the sounds around us.
When I found out that I was the first man he kissed, I was furious. If I had known beforehand, I wouldn't have taken it so recklessly. I was angry with myself, I should have known sooner.
-I'm your first? - I asked again very directly. I have always valued honesty, I believed that everything should be discussed openly and not leave room for understatements, which could in the future cause many problems much more difficult to solve.
Not answering and not being able to look me in the eye was a clear enough answer.
- Nu! - I said a warning.
I know I shouldn't raise my voice at him, he looked really scared. was he afraid of me? I didn't want that.
-NuNew... - I lowered my voice to a whisper, trying to make it softer. I touched his arm, wanting to show him that it was all just a misunderstanding.
- Hia... are you mad at me?
- I'm not angry - I replied.
- I can see it. You will not trick me. You are mad.
- You're right - I agreed, never taking my eyes off of him. - I'm angry, but not at you, but at myself. If I'd known you hadn't kissed before, I wouldn't have been so insistent. I was imagining too much. Sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or scare you. Will you forgive me?
- Hia... You make me feel even more guilty...
- Unnecessarily. I misbehaved. Forgive me.
- Okay, let's not talk about it anymore, I knew what was in the script and agreed to it, the rest doesn't matter. - He clearly wasn't comfortable talking about it, so I let it go.
★ ★ ★
The next day I still couldn't get it out of my mind... I was reading the script, unsuccessfully trying to memorize my lines. I didn't like it at all. On the bench in front of me were bottles of water, a mug of half-empty coffee, half-eaten breakfast, a laptop, and a phone.
Now I was wondering how far we would go for P'Sky and our series? Do I have the right to wish something more would happen? Do I have any reason to hope that New will be the one I spend the rest of my life with? There was no doubt that I wanted it badly, but did I have the right to expect him to feel the same way?
In fact, he kissed me. He wanted it, but did he really? Or is it just instinctive behavior? He is still young, he may not understand certain things or his behavior. When I was his age, I was fucking stupid and blind. Even then, I told myself that I was interested in women. I wanted a normal life. I was afraid of exclusion and rejection.
How everything has changed!
When I look at Nu, I can imagine a "normal" life again, but part of it is not a woman, but this talented boy. He wakes me up in the morning with a tender kiss and he is the one performing at Wembley in front of thousands of fans chanting his name while I sit in the VIP box with our daughter or son cheering for him together. Yes, I went so far as to imagine it. For me Nu it is home, family, warmth, understanding, acceptance and love.
I don't know when or how it happened, I just realized one day that I want to take care of him forever, I want to be someone he can tell about everything, I want to be his shoulder to lean on when he's feeling down. I want to lead him through the darkest corners of the entertainment industry. I want him to have only me in his heart. I want him to be successful, to come home with a smile on his face and enthusiastically tell me about what happened that day while I prepare lunch or dinner for him. I want him to sit on my lap, I want to be able to just look at him without saying a word. With him, even silence is pleasant. With him I feel good, at ease, with him I can be goofy and childish as much as I want, and he doesn't criticize me.
I just want his company, his presence in my life. I want everyone to see what a priceless treasure this little urchin is.
I remembered my old dreams, which I had given up after the story with Saint, how much I wanted to find someone who would love and accept me for who I am. Then I gave it up, I thought nothing good would ever happen to me again, I was 27 years old, heartbroken and a world I had to rebuild slowly and alone. I told myself then that I was destined to be alone. I didn't know yet that something so unusual was waiting for me just around the corner. A miracle that happened when I had stopped believing in miracles.
You don't have to do much
Just love me
Just let me be who I am
No matter how bad things we face
With you next to me I know I can do it all
You're my sunshine
My beautiful angel
Please, just accept my love
You're my treasure
Can I love you?
You see each day I want to love you more
Will you let me?
Please just open your heart for me
I've been waiting for you so long
There was a song in my head that I involuntarily started humming under my breath.
Maybe I'm imagining too much, looking too far into the future. Maybe nothing will happen or he will find someone better.
But that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Nu is very important to me and I will do everything I can to show him that. There are few scenes left to record, I have little time, I must hurry, I must come up with something brilliant.
With this attitude and a smile on my face, I set to work with double energy. I put aside a script I couldn't think of anyway, grabbed my phone, and called Max. Of the two of us, he had the more experience, and though I didn't want to admit it even to myself, I had to ask him for advice. After all, he also has a boyfriend younger than himself, so who but he will know better what to do? Plus, Max can use Nat to find out exactly what New likes and dislikes.
I'm older, it's up to me to take the first step. Although this New one probably already did it for me. He was young, inexperienced, innocent, and so wonderfully cute that my heart melted just by looking at him. I felt great with him. Maybe one day I'll tell him that I didn't have to act in some scenes, that I acted as I would in real life, and said the words I would say myself. Sometimes I didn't have to play. But in other situations, I completely disagreed with Hia Lian's behavior. It happened that my character drove me to white fever.
- How am I supposed to play it?! - I was annoyed more than once, mostly shouting at Max. There were times when I overstepped my boundaries to the point that Max got offended and stopped talking to me for two whole days, but I always knew he was my best friend who I could always rely on. Max thought we were playing together anyway in the next scene and decided to check in on my room.
- We'll practice our roles while we're at it. In the meantime, tell me what's bothering you - He suggested, settling back comfortably on the bed. I sat across from him and told him about my doubts, about how I felt about New. I didn't want to miss anything. Max was my friend and if anyone could understand me, it was him.
- He really likes you, why don't you just tell him how you feel? - Max asked, now sounding exactly like his Hia Yi character. Hia Yi used to ask similarly difficult questions, but he was much less laid back than Max. I sighed, poking at the rice I didn't like at all that day.
- He's basically just a kid. Today he thinks he likes me, and tomorrow he might want to try with someone else. And I will have no right to stop him. I'm afraid he'll break my heart - I confessed, fumbling a piece of the quilt in my hands.
- Now you've gone hard on the gang. Where do you come up with such nonsense? Just because he's younger doesn't mean he's immature or that his feelings are unstable. Look at me and Nat, after all, Nat is also younger than me, sometimes he does something that I don't approve of, but then we talk about it and try to solve the problem, we don't run away from it. If you truly love someone, the age difference doesn't matter anymore, same with gender or wealth and social standing.
- Since when are you so smart? - I asked out of pure curiosity, but also with a bit of doubt.
- I was always. I may not look like it, but in my school days I was a top student.
- Are you the headmaster? I don't believe.
- Phhhh! You don't have to believe me. I don't care. - He shrugged. It really didn't matter to him. He didn't care what other people thought of him. If something made him happy, he just did it. He used to be crazy. Sometimes he came up with an idea and immediately implemented it. I also felt that he was greatly underrated: handsome, with a nice voice and able to play any role. Someone who should already have won all the major Thai film awards, but who meanwhile stayed in the shadows, didn't try to attract attention at all costs, as if playing supporting roles was enough for him. For me, that wouldn't be enough, I always wanted to play the main roles.
- If you really were that good, you wouldn't be in BL novels, you'd be in Hollywood - I teased him.
- Ouch! It hurt - Max made a hurt face, then pretended to wipe tears from his cheeks. - You hurt my soul, my poor heart is crying now, how could you?
- Oh, stop fooling around.
- Back to our conversation... You know when I started dating Nat, a lot of people didn't like it? It even got to the point where they called me a pedophile, because according to the law in some countries, some people said that Nat was not yet an adult at that time. I had to back off and wait. It was the hardest few months of my life. I've had to deal with criticism, with haters, with people calling me a fagot and a fag... - He trailed off. He got up and went to the window. After a moment's thought, I followed him, putting my hand on his shoulder.
-What? You... you were called that?
- Yes. I can talk about it now, but it was really hard for me back then. Nat was almost seventeen, I was almost twenty-six, I wanted to break up with him, I told myself it was for his good, I told him I didn't want to ruin his future, but as I said it I saw his tears, I saw the sincerity in his feelings and I understood that what was between us was real and much stronger than what people would say, and watching him suffer and be the cause of that suffering hurt much more. So we sat down over tea and began to discuss things calmly. We explained any misunderstandings between us and decided that we would fight together for our common future.
Max fell silent. He reached under his shirt and pulled out a pendant with a gold ring at the end. He turned it over in his fingers for a moment before showing it to me.
- That's when I got this ring from Nat. He told me to always have it with me to remind me why and why I endure all difficulties: to build a future for us.
I will always be by your side.
No matter how difficult the times come.
I will support you.
Because you deserve the best.
I want you to always be happy.
May you smile a lot.
And that you only meet good people on your way.
You are everything to me.
You are the light that illuminates the darkness of my past.
You are the best gift from fate.
I will always be grateful that you came into my life.
I know words are not enough to show what I feel.
I love you.
That's it and that's it.
I love you to the moon and beyond, to the farthest star.
I love you without limit and for no reason.
You just came and stole my heart.
You make me feel alive, alive, alive like never before.
I can scream and dance with happiness because you are next to me.
Never leave me.
Please don't break my heart.
You are my angel darling.