-Art by suu_a_maa on Twitter-
My thumb traced around the rubber button on the remote in my right hand before I pressed it angrily. And then again. And again.
I huffed, eyes glued to the television screen we never managed to fix as it changed from channel to channel. Despite how focused I must have seemed while trying to find something to watch, I wasn't interested in it in the slightest. In fact, the real dilemma was not choosing an anime to watch but instead the source of the shuffling sounds coming from the area behind me.
To be more specific, I was bothered about Toge who waddled around the communal kitchen doing god knows what.
It was only last week when I finally told Maki about my feelings for him, meaning it had been a whole week of failed confession attempts. I really did try to tell him but it felt like the universe was against the idea completely.
The first time was the day after I cried to the taller girl. I had planned to tell him after training and spent the entire morning building up the courage, only for it to fall back down to my ankles when Panda body slammed me while I was distracted, resulting in me spending the rest of the afternoon in Shoko's infirmary to recover from the concussion. The second time was worse. A couple of days later, I thought it would be a better idea to bribe Toge into saying yes by buying him some flowers. The catch was I forgot about his pollen allergy and, to make a long story short, I never managed to ask him out because I was too busy trying to stop him from dying when he began wheezing with a red face and runny eyes. And last but not least, when I eventually gave up and decided to text him my confession. This one was going well at first since I was building the tension and setting the scene, but just as I was about to type the question that had been on my mind, the turd Yuji stole my phone and sent him the most atrocious, disgusting and unforgivable photo of me you'd ever see in your life. Despite Toge finding it funny, I simply couldn't bring myself to tell him how I felt after something like that.
The embarrassing memories made me blush as I hid my face in my hands, groaning loudly. It had to be today that I told him, no matter what happened I would tell Toge that I liked him.
Reason for that being was thanks to Maki for the most part. Although she did find it hilarious of how badly my past efforts went, she was really eager for me to get it over with- probably because she was tired of being the only person I actually complained to about the whole ordeal, save for Yuta who rarely had time to answer my damn calls anymore.
She told me that if I managed to confess to Toge by the end of the day, she would buy me a Nexus Pro Nerf gun. And what sort of idiot wouldn't take up a deal like that? So with a strong handshake and a firm nod, we had ourselves an agreement.
I didn't realise how much thought she must have put into it because now that the day in question had finally arrived, it occurred to me that there was very little that could go wrong. Toge and I were the only ones in the whole campus since the first years were sent on a task to investigate a string of murders while Maki and Panda were also on their own missions. Even most of the teachers were out of town for their own business.
But with everyone out of the way, I was still struggling to think of a way to serenade the lavender-eyed boy; hence why it was already noon when I was still sitting on the couch like a sloth instead of making moves on the boy who buzzed about in the background.
My eyes trailed the long crack on the half-working television that ran from the top right corner all the way across and then down the flat screen as the show it played continued to flicker, courtesy of a drunken Kamo from last weeks party. With a sharp breath, I grabbed the remote and swiftly turned it off before making my way into the kitchen behind.
Toge stood by one of the counters with the dark blue sleeves of his uniform rolled up as he carefully cut some seaweed sheets into thin strips with a pair of black scissors. I noticed a bowl of what looked like a mix of tuna and mayonnaise beside him when I crept a little closer.
Upon hearing my footsteps, the boy turned his head just slightly to look at me from the side of his eye. His thin eyebrows raised with curiosity as he continued cooking. He was making rice balls, from the looks of it. Toge had always been the best cook out of all of us, yet again another reason to swoon for him.
"Can I help?" I perked up while he cut the final strip.
But he simply shook his head, "Bonito flakes."
Not wanting to get in his way, I sat up on the counter and just watched in silence as he dissolved a teaspoon of salt into a bowl of water. Toge dipped his hands into the salted water before scooping a handful of rice into his wet palm. I recalled watching him in deep concentration just like this so many months ago while he explained to me that wetting his hands kept the rice from sticking and the salt would keep the it more fresh when he molded the onigiri.
It never got boring observing how dearly he pressed the rice into shape, pushing his thumb in the centre of it all to make a dent deep enough for the filling. That was when he used the small spoon to fill the dent with the tuna mayo, wetting his hands again to squeeze the rice over the filling to form the rice ball. Toge was careful, making sure to never squeeze too hard or too lightly and it made me smile to see that focused look in his eyes.
He was already done when I snapped back to reality as he held out the triangular-shaped rice ball wrapped in the seaweed strip with a smile. "Salmon cod roe," Toge murmured.
As soon as I took it, he was off to grab another spoonful of rice to make the next one. I kicked my legs like a kid as I ate the onigiri happily, absorbing each second the boy spent making it.
The minutes felt like seconds with how peaceful it was to just sit and watch him totter around the counters like a busy video game character. Each time I finished one rice ball he would immediately hand me another, the only thing stopping me from declining being the shine in his pupils as he waited for me to accept it.
Not many words were exchanged by the time he used up all his onigiri ingredients and sealed the rest away in cling film to put into the refrigerator for Maki and Panda when they returned. He always did things like that when the others were away.
I hopped down from the table as Toge washed his hands. I stared at his small back while he rubbed the rosemary-scented soap to his wrists. The only sounds in the entire building at that time was the running water and the mute humming of the air conditioning.
Sure, I wanted that Nerf gun pretty badly but more than that I wanted Toge. As selfish as it might have been, I wanted him all to myself. For him and I to keep spending our days off in the kitchen while he put so much care and love into preparing food for our friends while I sat up on the counter and watched him do so because he didn't like it when people tried to help him.
I was so hung up in those thoughts that I wasn't thinking straight when I walked over to him and banged my head against his back softly. My sad forehead rested against his navy uniform while he turned off the tap.
"Mustard leaf," He chuckled, turning around. I made no effort to stand straight when he moved and just let myself fall but not before he caught me by my shoulders to hold me up. "Tuna?" He cocked his head to the side, trying to read my expression.
But I just kept my gaze fixated on the sink behind him as I bit my bottom lip. "Where do I even begin..." A heavy sigh escaped me, making Toge even more confused.
Instead of speaking, I let my hands travel up his back and pulled him in gently. It was the type of hug that spoke more than words; as if I was telling him not to complain, not to push me away, just let me hold him. And he did. Rather than fight it, Toge gave in to my odd requests and brought his own arms to wrap around my waist. The world around us melted away into nothingness when he lowered his head, letting the vanilla aroma embrace my senses. "You changed your shampoo," I muffled into his shoulder.
"Salmon," He mumbled back, just as quietly.
Toge was a fixed point in my mind where my thoughts would always come back to in the darkest moments; I always thought of him as the bright corner of my mind. Everything was better when he was involved, every thought was brighter and every burden lighter.
Pulling away slowly, my hands found their way to the zip of his high collar. He stayed silent, making no effort to stop me when I pulled the zip down to the bottom of his neck. Every thought was brighter and every burden lighter- the words repeated in my mind while I observed the dark symbols at either end of his pursed lips.
My grip on the metal zipper tightened but he still didn't complain once. It wasn't rejection that I feared, in fact I didn't know at all why I was so afraid. But it was something about the chances of this being a bad idea that made me not want to go through with it at all. Just the mere thought of telling Toge something he didn't want to be told, to put him in a position he didn't want to be in, made me want to dig a ditch for myself. He meant everything to me. But what if he didn't want to?
My gaze fell away from him to find his empyrean eyes looking right at me. That was when I spotted the closed jar containing a green vegetable to our left. Without even a second of delay, I snatched it and popped the lid open before pulling out a thinly cut pickle strip and eating it whole.
Toge just stood in a puddle of bewilderment while I suddenly munched a slice of the worst thing in the world, recoiling with regret once the aftertaste finally hit me. "Tuna mayo!?" What he must have meant to ask was, why did you do that?
My eyes watered with disgust at the pickley taste which lingered on my tongue. "For you." I muttered, wiping my mouth with the back of my sleeve. The boy with the cursed markings relaxed his shoulders in a baffled manner, clearly not understanding the message I was trying to send him.
I'd eat a billion pickles for him, is what I wanted to say.
But I had never been good with words. And Toge had never been good with reading people.
Despite how tense the atmosphere was at that moment, I couldn't help but stifle a laugh. The boy's eyebrows knitted together as he probably wondered if I had gone mad, not having a clue in the slightest what was going on. But I really did want that Nerf gun. So with a deep breath, I gave Toge a small smile and told him.
"You know I love you, right?"
His mouth dropped the confused smile he did have and the seals moved with his skin as his lips parted. Those calm violet eyes were void of calmness when they went wide that instance as if I had said the most blasphemous thing he had ever heard in his seventeen years of living.
Toge's fingers twitched as he blinked profusely. "T-tuna?" A puzzled gasp was the only thing to come out the boy.
"I love you, Toge." I said again, this time a lot quieter.
His face immediately burned red with those words, the blush practically reaching from one ear to the other. "Seriously!?" He panicked, completely forgetting about the possible impacts of his cursed speech in those moments. "Did Yuta tell you to say this!?"
Now it was my turn to be confused. "What's Yuta got to do with this?"
Toge covered his flushed lips with a hand before moving it to brush through his neat hair, unconsciously ruffling it up. He then held his embarrassingly red cheeks in his hands only to bring them back over his mouth- all this touching was a way of fidgeting. "Because I told Yuta that I was in love with you as well." He breathed out after a short pause.
We both just stared at each other, completely speechless. It seemed that Toge and I had so much in common to the point we ended up telling the same guy about our feelings for each other without even knowing.
I started to laugh at the irony. At the sight of my breaking character, Toge also burst into a series of chuckles. And there we were, blushing as we laughed together like we had so many times before. We were giggling at each other like a pair of idiots.
In the midst of our childish laughter, Toge had typed a couple of words on his phone for me: I wanted to be the one to confess to you first. I had a deal with Yuta that he'd by me the Ninjago City Lego set if I did.
Letting out a light breath, I told him I had the same sort of agreement with Maki. "She said she'd buy me the new Nerf gun," I began to wonder if Maki and Yuta had planned this out together but discarded the thought, deciding it didn't really matter anyways. "How about you tell Yuta you were the one who confessed first and I do the same to Maki- that way, we both get what we want."
The boy in front of me relaxed into a knowing smile and, without replying, just took my upper arm and pulled me in for another hug. "I love you too, y'know." He smiled into my hair.
I reached a frail hand to the side of his face and gently stroked his left cheek, fingertips eventually grazing over his markings and then his lips. His thin, pink lips. The same lips that would whisper to me at the most unexpected times and the same lips I had countless fantasies about when I was alone. I grinned teasingly and flicked my eyes to meet his, "I think I'll need compensation for eating that pickle earlier."
Toge only grinned back and soundlessly lowered his head to give a light kiss. It was brief and over before I realised it had happened, but the fact he still understood what I wanted so easily and delivered it without hesitation was enough to make me break out into a wide smile, mirrored by his own. Yuta sure was gonna have a field day when he hears about this, I thought.
"Just one more." He mumbled before pressing his lips to mine once again. This time it was slower and sweeter, giving me time to kiss him back. "And one more," He said after he pulled away only to bring me back in for another, more delicate, peck. "Last one for good measure." I giggled when he gave another quick kiss before planting even more on the side of my lips, and then my cheeks, and lastly my forehead.
It was in those moments where he held me, showering me with admiration, that I realised that was what it meant to love someone. His arms were home. I was safe, warm, and I didn't want to leave.
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Pls I loved writing this they're so silly