I tilt my head back against the poolside, the beginnings of a sunset peppering the sky above me. I love the solitary moments, the silence but today is one where I miss dad greatly.
Grief isn't confined to moments, or events. It doesn't follow a certain timeline and doesn't stop after a limit. To love someone truly, is to grieve them for however long you live without them.
And I can't miss dad, without missing Auburn.
I remember the day she was born. We'd rushed to the hospital, after school. Grayson was unbothered, not warmed up to the idea of another two siblings after me. But I'd never been more excited.
The hospital room was at the end of the hall and as soon as I entered, dad had opened his arms for me. He was as excited as me when I ran into his body and his arms enclosed me. He showed me my two new younger siblings.
So I held Azure before I ever held Auburn. He'd quietened as soon as he looked at me. I touched his cheek and his face had scrunched, wisps of blonde hair on his head. I promised that I'd be good to him, to her. I'd be the best sister ever to both of them.
A knot tangles in my throat. I try, so very hard, not to think of her in my arms that day. Fire in front of us. Smoke around us.
Instead I force myself to think about how me and dad painted their nurseries together. We went furniture shopping, searched for decorations, bought them clothes. Auburn was unhealthy, born with a heart defect that meant it unlikely she'd survive long. She made it three beautiful years.
God, I miss them.
As soon as I start fighting tears, my phone rings and I have to fight the way I want to sink in relief. I snatch it up so quick, just to hear his voice.
"I need your face. Just to look at." He complains immediately.
My eyes shut. I smile. His voice sounds like home, even when he's groaning like a kid.
"Only four more days." I wade my hand back and forth in the water, lips curving up.
"That's a lotta hours." He grumbles and I can hear distant school bustle, "A war can start in four days. A species could go extinct, the moon could probably blow up. I'm pretty sure the whole Lilo and Stitch movie was over a course of like three days, which you need to watch unless you want me to never talk to you again-"
"Relax, rambler. That's only four more times waking up. Only four school days. I'll be right there before you know it. We can watch it together." I say gently, matching the evening air, "I miss you too."
"You don't know the definition of missing! Ollie fake proposed to his girlfriend at the end of the soccer game yesterday." And then he mumbles, "I want to fake propose to you."
"Everest Ronan Jones? I ask theatrically.
"Violet Fawn Amory." I swear I hear a hint of a smile, as he opens up his locker.
"Will you do me the honour of fake marrying me?" I smile. Only because he's quiet for a second and I know he's smiling too.
"I think we've fake married about six times. I say yes, to every time before and every proposal in the future." He sighs like a swooning bride.
I can't help my laugh and his own sounds out, following mine. I sink a little deeper into the water, liking the cool temperature, "How's school?"
"A big bag of shit." He says cheerily, "Luca's not here, Ria's busy studying and so I'm gonna be stuck with Ollie and his stupid girlfriend. They're obsessed with each other. It makes me puke."
"Ev."
"Yes, its cos I miss you." He sighs again, "How's shitty France?"
"It's good-"
"Who are you talking to?" Sage's voice sounds out and I jump. My phone slips from my hand, splashing into the water. Now, I shriek, "No! No, no, no-" I reach for it but it's sinking faster than I can catch it. I dive under but just as my fingers grasp it, it slips again and falls to the bottom. When I hurriedly retrieve it, I rise above water, sputtering as I look down to it.
"No!" I shriek so loud that Sage winces and it echoes in the air, "Ugh, Sage! Why do you just have to pop up, like a stupid scarecrow? Get a bell or something, god!"
I slap my palm against it but the screen's black. It won't turn on and dejection runs through me. Great. I don't even have any way of contacting Everest, to tell him that I'm not ignoring him. My shitty phone's broken because of my shitty brother.
When I look up, I'm glaring. He raises an eyebrow, "Wow. You've been alive eighteen years and I've never seen you glare. If you tried, you could be scary, Violet."
"If I tried, I could also kill you." I hiss.
"Relax." He scrunches his eyebrows at my phone, "We could buy fucking hundreds of those. I'll get you a new one."
"I need this one. Now." I tilt my head back, groaning, "All my pictures, everything. Seriously get a bell. You're almost as demon-like as Az."
I pull myself out of the pool, water slipping down my body as I storm off, Sage hot on my tail. I continue banging the phone like it'll help somehow, smacking it against my thigh as I leave wet footprints all over the villa.
"What is wrong with you?" Sage asks nonchalantly.
"Go away." I mutter.
"There's a gala I want you to come to. It's a big one." He says and I stop in my tracks. I turn around to him just before I enter my room. He smirks, "You look like an angry puppy."
"Shut up." I grumble but can't deny that my interest's peaked, "What type of gala?"
He rolls his eyes, "The type you get to dress pretty at. It's for some sort of cancer and the Amory businesses are making a deal with the family that founds the charity. It's best if we make an appearance."
He had me at dressing pretty. I've only been to one French charity gala years ago with dad and it's the prettiest one I've ever attended, to date.
"When?"
"You have a few hours."
I turn around and walk into my room, "I'm still mad at you."
He smiles, "Wear blue. It's the dress code."
Everest.
I'm doing homework. It's not even mine. It's Benji's eight year old math homework he doesn't want to do.
What the fuck has life come to?
It's come to boring shittiness since Violet left for France. The two weeks are almost up but everyday so far has felt fifty hours long. I don't know what it is. Every bit of my day is biding my time until I see her again, so it's all just dragging.
"You should try to look less like you want to die." Ria absently comments, not even looking at me where she's sat in front of me.
We're at Emerson's diner - the diner that Val's mom and dad owns. It's classically 90's themed and ever since Ria started working here, we occupied a booth here in the back just for us. She's on her break, discretely perching a cigarette between her lips.
A small smirk takes place at her lips now that she inhales the nicotine, tilting her head back so the thick smoke escapes. My chin's in my hand when I grumble, "I don't want to die. I want to rip my fucking hair out, but not die."
She pouts, "So what's with the frown, sunshine? Did you not wake up with a natural bolt of energy up your ass like usual?"
"What's it like? With a stick up there, instead?" I tilt my head to ask.
"Better than an electric shock. Less annoying." She shrugs. I narrow my eyes.
She's wearing one of Luca's beanies, ink black hair draped over her shoulders. Her hazel eyes look more green when she clearly starts to assess me, tapping her fingers against the table, "Is your ballerina back from France yet?"
I shake my head.
"Is Mr Sunshine missing said ballerina?" She bites back a smile and I throw my pen at her head. She laughs whilst I tilt my head back on the booth behind me.
"This isn't funny, Ria. I'm drowning here! Like a pathetic dumb fish that doesn't know how to swim." I yank my hood over my head and tighten the strings until it cinches around my face. It only amuses her more, "I want my ballerina. I'm gonna steal her."
"From France? Yeah, go ahead, smartass. Swim over there like the pathetic fish you are." She snorts.
"If Benji wasn't walking over, I'd call you several not-so nice names." I challenge, narrowing my eyes.
"Not-so nice names? Don't go breaking my heart now, fishy-"
I throw one of the fries from the small basket at her. She picks up one to throw it back and it hits me square in the forehead. Just as I go to pick up the whole basket and toss it in her general direction, Benji clears his throat.
We both halt, in the middle of me reaching for the basket and slowly turn our heads to Benji. He stands with his eyebrows raised.
I lower my hand. Ria sits back in her seat.
When he slides in, she pulls him so he's sidled up to her and looks down to him with this small smile. I think there's a part of Ria's heart that solely belongs to Benji, a part of her love that she shares only for him.
To an outsider, she kinda looks murderous in this way that makes everyone want to fall in love with her. But in actuality, Ria's heart is softer than the rest of us and she doesn't bother to hide it. Not for Benji.
Benji Markov has a murderous, sort of insane heartbreaker willing to brave the world for him. He's protected as long as he has her.
"You didn't want ice cream?" She asks him.
"No." He huffs,"They only had the weird flavours, like strawberry sorbet swirl. And berry banana bubblegum burst. Whatever happened to plain old freaking vanilla, am I right? Nobody needs fancy shamnciness all the time." Benji sighs exasperatedly, looking at me like it's a tragedy.
"Tell me about it." I go along, nodding.
"Way too true, Benj." Ria goes along too, though we both furrow our eyebrows at each other, "Ev finished your math homework. But this is the one and only time. You gotta do it yourself from now on."
"Yeah. Whatever you say." He grins, wide.
With a tired sigh, Valencia slides in besides them so Benji's now between the two of them. She slumps, "Hey."
"Hey." Me and Ria both say in unison. She lifts a hand to undo her bun, letting her blonde hair cascade down her shoulders. She works here too and took up a lot of the same shifts as Ria so they were together.
Her eyes flit to mine, "You look miserable. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Isn't the weather nice?" I clear my throat, looking out the window.
"What's up with him?" She asks Ria.
"He misses his girlfriend." Ria shrugs.
Valencia's face practically lights up, a ray of literal sunshine where she sits, "Violet? Oh, I love her. If you weren't together, I'd marry her. I just want to wrap her up in a hug all the time, you know? Even though I don't know her all that well- actually, have you talked to her recently? I have to send her the notes for our chem class."
When I first met Val, she was shy but I quickly learned that once she's comfortable with you, she's sunshine embodied with a habit of speaking a little too much, a little too fast. I thought I'd never get used to it but now, I have. It's just her. A rambler.
"I-" I huff, "Our last phone call disconnected. I've been texting her since but she hasn't gotten back to me."
"Did she hang up?" Ria asks, both of their eyebrows furrowing.
"I dunno. It just said the call failed. Maybe something happened to her phone?" I ask, subtly seeking reassurance. It's unlike her. We were mid-conversation and nothing really seemed to be wrong. I think. Fuck, I've tried not overthinking but it's getting to me.
"Probably." Val nods, "Sometimes you need to pay and stuff to call from overseas, right?"
"Or you just pissed her off." Ria says sweetly, smiling as Benj plays with her fingers, "Kudos to her. I don't know how she puts up with you."
"I don't know how Luca puts up with your brattiness. I'd rip my hair out." I snap back.
"Okay, children." Val interjects flatly, "Let's relax."
Once seeing Ria's glare, Val slaps her hands over Benji's ears.
Just in time, before her burning hazel eyes meet mine, "He fucks it out of me. Poor Violet and your STD dick."
"She might be sore, but my cock isn't an inconvenience to my girl. He clearly doesn't do a good enough job-"
Hudson settles besides me. I don't know where he came from but it's silent as he takes one glance between us and then sighs, "For fucks sake." He looks to Valencia, "What'd I miss?"
"Ev and Ria, being Ev and Ria." Val responds easily.
"Just call a fucking truce. You're gonna go back to licking each other's asses soon enough." Hudson rolls his eyes. He glares at both of us and then raises his eyebrows, a gesture for us to get on with it.
"Truce, brat." I murmur, looking up to her. I do kinda feel bad for what I said.
"Truce, STD." She says back and there's a subtle understanding that she feels bad for what she said too. After a moment of stubbornness, small smiles pull at our lips. We're idiots. I hate her but she's also one of my favourite people to exist.
"She probably dropped her phone or something." Ria says, "She's back soon anyways, right?"
"Yeah." I say, not wanting to think about it too hard. The possibility of her outright ignoring me makes my stomach hurt.
"Who?" Hudson asks. I turn to take him in. It's been days since I've seen him, even longer since I've seen Luca. It's clear that he's not doing well. His skin is pale, his hands are a little shaky and I know everyone at the table can see it.
"Ev's ballerina girlfriend." Benji chimes in, smiling at Hudson. Hudson offers a small smile back before he meets my eyes.
The last time we talked about Violet, he'd warned me away from her family. I'm still suspicious about how he knows them so well, still so fucking curious but he won't let me in. I'll ask Violet, or figure it out eventually.
Maybe he knows about Dean and how he plays a part in it all. I'm fucking hated by two families because of thirteen year old me. Hated.
I expect Hudson to say something but he looks away from my eyes, way too quickly. His sharp jaw clenches and if I'm not missing it, something overtook his eyes. Something sad.
"We saw that kiss on the field." Val wiggles her eyebrows.
"She kisses me fucking good." I say without shame, "I want it anytime, any day."
"Cos you're in love with her. She's dismantled your fuckboy ways." Ria also wiggles her eyebrows, siding up with Val.
I'm uncaring of trying to be secret. Not with these guys, "You can call it whatever but I know Violet's it for me."
"You're exclusive." Val beams, "You have to be, right?"
"She's not fucking being with anybody else." My eyebrows furrow. Even the idea makes me want to hit something.
Hudson speaks up now, "And Dean Delaney?"
It makes me tense up. He knows, more than I'd ever expect and I don't understand how or why. It's building a tension between us that I don't like. Only he can alleviate it, by letting me in. But he won't.
Ria's lighter lies on the table so I pick it up, flicking it on and off. My jaw clenches, "Dean Delaney can fuck off."
"Forget whoever that is! You're in love, Ev." Valencia's smiling, "Why don't you look happy?"
"Cos she's in fucking France!" I slump back in my seat, hood still up over my head.
"With who?" Hudson asks.
Something inside me snaps when I turn to look at him, "I'm surprised you aren't already fucking aware."
His eyebrows furrow and his tone lowers, "Relax."
Hudson's temperament isn't one that can be controlled. He's impulsively angry and I know it more than anyone, more than he lets on. If I instigate him, he won't take me into account before his anger rises. It's me. That always has to fucking tiptoe.
When I look away, Val's the one to look at Hudson in worry. But Ria's the one to look at me, her eyebrows furrowed and subtle question in her eyes. I shake my head, letting her wonder whether I don't want to talk about it or I'll tell her later. I don't know yet.
I glance at my phone again but nothing. Granted it'd be nighttime in France. Come on, Vy. Where are you? A part of me worries. I don't know what her older brother's like but she'd assured me he's a lot better than that blonde prick.
The tension between me and Hudson feels palpable. I don't know what's been going on recently but it feels like things are slipping between our fingers. Between all of us. It's subtle, and it's underlying but it feels like something's changing. I don't know what and it's fucking pissing me off.
Violet.
My arm's linked with Sage's as we walk around the ballroom. It's as beautiful as expected, so decadent and glittering that I balk. The chandelier casts a pebbled glow over everything. The linen tables, the glass statue in the centre and the stage, curtained with red drapes.
I'm wearing the satiny blue dress that just about reaches my knees. It hugs my frame loosely but is elegant, pretty.
We've been here for a while now and it's likely we'll leave soon after whatever speech they're probably going to give. I've been to a few in my lifetime so I know how it all goes.
"So," I look up to Sage in his navy blue suit, "How's Amelie?"
"I wouldn't know." He nods to one of the men we pass. I smile at the woman besides him who had smiled first.
"You came home late to the villa." I nudge him, insinuating.
"I was at a club." He deadpans.
"Oh." My smile drops and I grimace, "Those are scary. I swear there's something weirdly eerie about them."
"You're never going to one so you don't have to worry." He bites and I narrow my eyes.
"Hey," I clear my throat, "I might want to, one day."
"I'd know." He smirks, "I have connections to most club owners in Jersey and New York. A simple flag of your name and I'll be notified."
"Just because you're my brother doesn't mean you need to be a caveman. It's outdated." I grumble.
"Mr Amory?" A woman smiles, standing with her much older husband, "Oh, it's nice to meet you. How you've grown!"
She's beautiful and I'm pretty sure she thinks Sage is beautiful too. She's looking at his arms in his suit, than his face. The older husband besides her looks like a grump, either not noticing or not caring.
It's usual that we're fawned over at galas like these. The Amory's are rich and a lot of people want a sliver of Sage's attention, in hopes of having one of the most forward businessmen as a connection. But Sage is stoic, tough and freaking scary. He pulls on his businessman mask.
"It's a pleasure. I'm not sure I recognise you." He says, flatly but polite enough.
"Alissa." She smiles, baring her pristine white teeth, "Alissa Delaney."
My insides freeze. I squeeze Sage's arm so tight that he looks down to me, so I force myself to relax. I've heard of her. Definitely heard of her - Dean's aunt. She resides in France and is almost as rich as them. Not exactly though and Clara, Dean's mother, loves to make that a point.
"A relative of Lance Delaney, I assume?" Sage asks. Dean's father.
"Ah, yes. My brother in law. I'm Clara's sister." She responds but I pick up the slight tension to her tone. It's the understatement of the century to say they don't get along. Mortal enemies would be a better fit than sisters.
God, how did I travel halfway across the world and still wasn't able to escape the Delaneys? The universe hates me.
I'm just hoping I don't see her sons. Or one, in particular - Leo. He often visits back home because of Dean, the closest thing he has to a brother. It's rare of me to say anybody's crueler than Dean but Leo's a villain. He's awful in this way that makes anybody skin crawl.
Alissa's eyes flit to me, "I'm guessing you're Violet?"
"Yes, it's nice to meet you." I smile politely. She smiles too but her gaze flits over me, like she's scrutinising. I feel myself sink into Sage's side more. I don't feel comfortable near anyone with Delaney as a last name.
"You're beautiful. Dean's a lucky boy, isn't he?" She beams. Now, Sage's arm tightens around mine a little.
"Thank you." Is all I muster up.
"It's a shame you stopped ballet. And oh, is it a shame what happened to your family. I'm so sorry for your losses. Poor Scarlett. She had a lot going for her but nobody can blame the sweetheart. I couldn't imagine having lost so much. Do give her my kindest regards." She says, a hand resting on my shoulder.
Sage's jaw locks up. I don't have to worry about him breaking his composure. If it was Grayson, I'd be scared he'd throw champagne in her face.
My mother, Scarlett Amory was the gem of high society. Everybody loved her and everybody wanted to be her. Until she retreated into the manor to drink her days away, basking in oblivion. So now, the precious gem has fallen and everybody pities her, and silently envy her children, who fail to fall. All because of Sage. Our stronghold.
"Yes, well," Sage's whole body is tight with tension, "It was nice meeting you. We need to find a table."
Alissa slinks back, as if he's rejected her. Sage either doesn't notice or doesn't care which is the likelier option. He keeps flitting his gaze to me, like he wants me to get away from them. I tried not to show how uncomfortably nervous I am.
When he steers us away, I have to physically exhale. He keeps us walking, "I've got you. Breathe."
I half groan, "I- I don't understand why I get panicky over the smallest things. I'm sorry."
"You can't help it." He takes us to a table and pulls out my chair. I sit and he takes the spot right besides me, "Don't apologise for things you can't help."
"Mom hates it when I panic." I grip the edges of my chair, not even sure why it feels like a panic attack is building. They come on randomly and the slightest spike in emotion triggers them sometimes.
"Mom doesn't understand how hard they are to endure. You're strong." He says sternly, "I'll always believe that."
I appreciate his words, smiling small. The lights start to dim and people begin to settle in their seats. Once a man takes the stage and starts speaking about the charity, I settle into the situation. My nerves ease.
A few people give their speeches, talking about their personal experiences in founding the charity for a type of brain cancer. The night goes on and some sort of auction takes place for a while, the usual mingling and speeches.
It's a long while before the night starts to come to a close and people begin dispersing. Me and Sage stand. I hand him my purse, "I just need to use the restroom."
"I'll wait here. Our driver's parked up." He says and I nod, weaving my way through the people to make it to the small hall to the bathroom. I've been holding it in since the several glasses of champagne.
Nobody occupies the bathroom so once I've peed and cleaned up, I meet my eyes in the mirror. I run my hands through my hair since it's a little frizzy-
The door opens as I'm turning to leave and I crystallise in the spot I'm in. He's already sporting a smirk so he knows I was in here. Suddenly, I'm clenching the rim of the sink so tight my fingers hurt.
Leo's eyes skirt down my body, so slowly that I have to swallow the sick feeling in my throat. He resembles Dean so much with those green eyes, but brown hair instead of silvery blonde. His handsomeness is devilish, where he stands tall. So tall.
"Violet Amory," He takes a step but I can't back away, "Fuck, I only saw you last summer and already thought you were beautiful then. Now. You're irresistible. Dean was right."
"I don't want trouble, Leo. Don't." I say already. I know him.
All he wants is trouble. He loves a fight and a struggle. The physical sort. He'd always subtly try and find ways to touch me but I'd find a way out. I eye the bathroom door that he's closed.
"Still so skittish." He tsks, "I thought my cousin would have toughened you up by now. I guess not." He gets closer and I have nowhere to go, "Maybe I'll do a better job."
I raise my hands to shove him in the chest but he catches them before I can. Swiftly, he spins me around and pins my hands to my back. I wince when he pulls on my arms, so my back is arched against him. I feel sick. Tears prick at my eyes from the pain.
I knew he would have pulled something like this. I'd have been surprised if he hadn't manhandled me in some way. I just hope I don't see his harsher parts because this, is Leo Delaney going easy on me.
"Oh, sweetie. No need to cry." He leans down so he's closer to my neck, "You were my favourite when we were kids. Always showing me your little toys."
"I was naive to how disgusting you are." I jostle against him and seethe, "Let go of me before Sage ensures you can never touch me again."
"Don't mention your prick of a brother." He snarls, insecure when it comes to people who can overpower him, "How would your brother like to know you've already let someone fuck you, slut?"
I cry out when he pushes me against the sink. His body moulds into mine but I won't give up. I wrestle and writhe, trying desperately to get my hands out of his grasp. My cheeks burn red from the anger, the way I hate him so much. There's no sadness in me, not right now. I want to hurt him.
"Fuck, you vixen." He growls, "You've always been far too fucking feisty for your own good. I don't even know why Dean still wants you after you open your legs to any pathetic kid around town. But he does. So know that he won't let it go."
I drop my head, snapping back, "Did he have to send his little cousin to scare me? Was he too scared to get his own dick wet?"
Leo chuckles darkly, "You've grown up. Only a matter of time before Dean takes you for himself. I'm only reminding you that you won't escape."
I throw my head back. It smashes against his nose and he cries out in pain, loosening his grasp. I yank my hands away from him and kick him as hard as I can with the sharp point of my heels. He screams, his hands flying to his crotch in pain. Adrenaline and fear coursing through me, I rush past him, open the door and run.
I look back, keeping my legs moving as fast as I can. He hasn't come out of the bathroom yet-
My body crashes into another one but strong arms keep me upright. I spin my head to look up at Sage, his eyes flashing with fury as he looks me over. His gaze flits to the bathroom but I grab him, "No- no, please. Let's just go."
"Who?" He demands.
"Take me home." I beg him, still breathing far too fast, "Please. I just want to go home."
He takes off his suit jacket and wraps it around me. He encloses me to his side and after a moment, he concedes and starts to walk us to the exit. It takes us a while to get to our driver but once we're settled in the car, the tension is so thick it feels like I'm suffocating.
I hide my wrists that are printed with red marks. It's silent, so silent that it's like Sage's anger is an audible thing. Like I can hear it exuding off him. The car's only filled with my shaky breathing.
"He won't be spared." His voice breaks the silence.
Tentatively, I look to him but he doesn't meet my gaze. I'm not gonna bother asking if he's got the right person. He knows Leo.
He doesn't speak for the rest of the ride. Even when we make it to the villa, he only looks me over to make sure I'm okay. The words ring in my head as I force my body to keep walking to my room.
As soon as I'm inside, exhaustion hits me. I slump onto the bed and curl into a small ball. I don't even have any energy to untuck the covers and pull them over my shaking frame. I only hug Sage's suit jacket to me tighter.
I don't know what it is about me. Why I'm so terrorised. I've known bullying since I was a kid. At school, at home, everywhere I go. I can't escape it and it's beginning to wear away at my bones. Exhausting every bit of me.
Tears prick at my eyes in the dark, dead silence of my room. I do my best not to think of his cruel words in my ear, or the way his body had pushed into mine. Instead, I force myself to listen to dad's voice, telling me to search for sunshine.
So I do.
When my eyes shut, I will myself to picture Everest's smile. The small one he gives when my cheeks flush, or when I wrap my arms around him. I see his head on my lap in a library and his body besides mine.
I see us running in the rain. I feel his body against mine and his kisses on my lips. I see the way his head always tips back when he laughs truly. Or the eyebrow he always raises when he teases me.
Instead of thinking of all the ways my body has been handled harshly, by so many people, I trace my fingers over my arm and remember the way he touches me like I'm the most delicate thing on earth. He's always touching me. In the smallest of ways. But Ev, he holds me like he loves me. Like my body's something he wants to adore and protect, instead of use.
I let his light warm me. I think of sunshine, in all the forms that Everest Jones gives it to me and I feel safety I've never truly known.
<3