Dean (POV)
It hurt. It hurt so badly. We were best friends all of our lives and lovers for four whole years and because of damn drugs he didn't even recognise me.
I don't know why I said yes. It was being in the bedroom with him for the first time in a year and a half. It was him looking at me like I was the only person in the world again. It was the way he touched me and smiled at me. I had dug my own grave with this one when I said yes and now I was going to have to lie in it.
I roll over and switch off the light with my back towards him, unable to bring myself to hold him close to me again after what had just happened. He himself made no move to hug me so there we lay, gradually falling to sleep in a bed with one another again but the only problem was, he had no idea who I was.
Cas (POV)
I wake with a start and as soon as I open my eyes, my brain swirls and bangs in my temple. I groan and sit up, rubbing my face with my hands before looking around the room.
Where the hell was I? I had never even been in this room in my life and yet here I was, sleeping it in. I look beside me and see a lump underneath the covers and sigh. I had done it again, I had slept with another random guy at a bar. I remembered it was a guy because of the low tone of his voice but that and his lips were all I remembered.
I slowly get out of his bed, not wanting to wake him up because I absolutely hated the whole ordeal of the 'awkward morning chat'. I slip into my sweaty clothes from the night before and stretch, wincing at the pain in my ass.
"Great." I mumble out, limping out of the bedroom and look around for the bathroom so I could wash my face and have a drink of water. There was no time for a shower, I just needed to get out of here and go back home.
After drying my face and walk out of the bathroom and into the living room, checking around the room to see if I had left anything on the floor. My phone was on the mantelpiece so I walk over and pick it up.
That was when I noticed the picture. My mouth fell open as I saw a picture of me, my family and deans family stood upon the mantelpiece as if it belonged there. My heart started thudding in my chest as confusion whirled around my head. Where was I?
I look at the picture carefully and gulp. Please let it be him. I slowly run my hand along the young face of both Dean and myself in the picture. Please let it be him. I turn around and look at the bedroom door. Please let it be him. I walk towards the door and slowly open it up. Please let it be him.
I stood in surprise when I realised the be was now empty. I look at it and look around the empty room. Where was he? Had he come out of the room when he heard me go to the bathroom? I step backwards out of the room and turn around when I hear something drop on the floor.
"Shhhhhh!!" I hear a voice say and walk back into the living room.
"Dean." I whisper out and he freezes before turning to look at me. He smiles awkwardly and gives me a little wave.
"Oh hey Cas, how you doing?" He asks pretending to be casual and I lift an eyebrow at him in amusement. "I was just trying to-"
"Get out of the flat before I came out of the bathroom." I finish and he stands up straight and nods. "I can't believe it was you..."
"Yeah well, it was a moment of weakness. Shan't happen again." He sniffs, leaning against a wall and rubbing his face in his hands. I nod my head sadly
"I-I'm sorry I don't-"
"Remember? Yeah, well that's what drugs do to you." He snaps and my whole body goes weak.
"I wish I did remember."
"Too bad." He replies back shortly. "Unfortunately I remember every grimy detail."
"Was it good?" I ask out of curiosity. My heart was ready to burst as I looked at him standing there, ashamed of what he did the night before. He looked so cute, so hot! His hair was messy, he was only wearing sweatpants and his body was just as mouth-watering as it had been since we were 18 years old.
"Are you serious right now? I'm having a mental crisis of letting you come into my home and sleep with me and all you can ask is whether it was good?!" He complains and I shrug.
"Well I wanna know if we still got it! We were always really kinky in bed." I snort, a huge smile cracking out onto my face. I see the corners of deans mouth twitch up slightly before he turns away to hide them.
"Ermmm-" he says.
"Oh god, it was good wasn't it?!" I laugh.
"We did it on a chair." He replies and I laugh loudly, my whole body shaking.
"A chair? Awesome."
"No! No not 'awesome' bee!" He turns back around and sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I hate myself for it."
His final words were heartbreaking. He felt so lonely and weak and I had unknowingly taken advantage of his state.
"What about jo?" I ask suddenly and he gives me a hurt look and shakes his head.
"She broke up with me."
"What?! Why??" I exclaim and he looks at me seriously before shrugging.
"Because she thinks I'm still in love with you. She's not wrong but I was really falling for her-" he cuts himself off and sits down on the sofa, bringing his knees up to his chest. I sit down beside him and look at him carefully.
"You still love me?" I ask
"Don't get your hopes up." He says, looking at me and I nod sadly. "But yeah, in a way I do. I don't think that will ever truly go away."
"I still love you too." I whisper quietly and we both sit there in silence for a minute. I couldn't take it anymore! I hated this, I needed to do something about it, even if it meant him hitting me or something.
I extended my hand to his cheek and turned his face to look at mine. I took one deep breath in and pounced on him, kissing his lips roughly and pushing him down so he lay on the sofa. I was to preoccupied with my own mind explosions that at first I didn't even realise he was kissing me back.
I savoured it. I savoured the taste of his lips and the feel of his tongue. The way he moved his mouth and wrapped his legs around my waist, bringing me in close to him. I savoured the way he just let me hold his wrists above his head while my other hand savoured the feel of his skin on my finger tips.
"Fuck, I love you so much." I groan into the kiss as I catch his tongue in my mouth.
"No." I hear him say. Damn it. "No no no." He quickly sits up, throwing me off him and I bite my swollen lip and look down at my hands.
"I knew that was going to happen." I say sadly. "That you would realise what you were doing and-"
"Please leave." He mutters quietly, staring into space. "Just leave."
"I don't want to leave dean. You mean everything to me. Just tell me what I have to do to make it up to you! Tell me and I'll do anything." I plead but he shakes his head.
"You can't erase the fact that you cheated on me."
"Dean, I'm scum of the earth for doing that. I've wanted to hurt myself so badly for doing that to you! I would have never ever done it while sober-" that was probably the wrong thing to say...
"THEN WHY TAKE DRUGS THEN?" He screams and I jump back and gulp, looking at the floor sadly.
"Because I'm weak." I answer simply.
"I-I thought you quit. You threw the drug away when you bought me the flat." He says and I shake my head.
"After you went to work, I ran down stairs and got them out of the bin again." I whimper shamefully and he nods his head.
"You know what the worst part is...?" He asks, biting the inside of his mouth angrily. "I'm not even surprised." He gets up and storms off to his room, slamming the door which made the whole place shake.
I wince as the door slams and as soon as he's gone and put my head in my hands and cry. I cry like a little baby that Gabriel had taken candy from.
After a few minutes however i calmed down and took a deep breath in. I wouldn't leave, not yet. There was too much to talk about with Dean and i think we both needed to get a lot off of our chests.
I walk towards the front door, open it and then shut it again to trick Dean into thinking that i had left. It was a childish thing to do but it was the only way to get him out of his room.
It worked as a few minutes later, the handle on his door turned and he walked out of the room. He took one look at me still in his house and groaned loudly.
"Why are you still here?"
"We need to talk." I say, seriously and he gulps and nods his head.
"Fine. I suppose i'll put the kettle on then."
"You have a kettle?" I snort and he raises an eyebrow at me which makes me go serious again. "Congratulations."
"Thanks." He replies sarcastically and rolls his eyes, walking into the kitchen with me following close behind. He leans against the counter, waiting for the water to boil and looks at me expectantly. "Well?"
"Well." I repeat.
"Well?" He emphasises more and i squint my eyes.
"Well well well!"
"Bee!"
"What?!" I exclaim, jumping back and he laughs but quickly sorts himself out.
"You said we needed to talk?" He asks seriously and i nod.
"Yeah, okay. About what?" I joke but he glares me down and the grin slips from my face. "Alright. I suppose that what happened last night... it's never going to happen again?"
"Not in a million years." He sniffs and i detect a hint of sadness in his voice.
"But we will still see each other now and again. Especially when my family invites you for weddings, birthdays, graduations ect."
"I assume so."
"Dean, i'm sorry." I say abruptly and he looks at me carefully. "I made a mistake. I can't take it back but if i could i would. People make mistakes all the time, some more huge then others. I don't know what else to do to get you to forgive me!"
"I can't forgive you, Cas. I'm not angry with you anymore but i can't forgive you." He sighs and rubs his eyes. "You hurt me real bad. It felt like a million knives stabbing me in the chest all at once when i walked in on you and that girl. I felt like i was suffocating and that i would never be able to breathe properly again."
"I know. I know i hurt you. But i don't remember what even happened. And i know that it's my own fault for taking the drugs and stuff but you have to believe me when i say i would never purposefully do that to you! I would have never ever jeopardised our relationship-"
"Yeah, well you did!" He shouts and it completely shuts me up. I nod slowly and look up at him sadly.
"Everything you say to me, everything you do to me will never be worse than what i have already done to myself over this whole thing. I've tortured myself every day over it, i've destroyed my relationship with my brothers over it, i've completely ruined my reputation over it. Whatever you say to me now, i know i deserve but it will never hurt me as much as i've hurt myself over this past year and a half."
"Oh Cas." He whispers out, looking at me with tears in his eyes. He shakes his head and walks towards me.
"I'm sorry." I cry out, tears dripping down my cheeks as he puts his arms around me and hugs me tightly.
"I know you are." He replies softly as i sob into his shoulder and neck, holding onto him for dear life while repeating myself over and over again. Apologising none stop as if that was going to make any difference. "Shh, i know baby. I know."
We stood like this for what seemed like hours, even though it was only a matter of mere minutes. He rubbed my back soothingly until i had calmed down again and it worked. It always worked. He seemed to be the only one that every talked any sense into me. Well, him and my mother.
Finally Dean let me go and held me at arms length, looking into my eyes and looking at me pityingly. I hated that look, it made me feel so weak and fragile.
"I wish i could kiss you." I whisper and he sighs.
"It was only a 24 hour thing, Cas. It's not gonna happen again." He says and i raise an eyebrow and look at my watch.
"Twenty-Four hours?" I ask and i nods his head. "We had sex at around 2 in the morning last night? That gives us until two in the morning tonight." I joke, grinning slightly and he snorts and shakes his head. We stand there, looking at each other in silence.
That when, all of a sudden Dean pulls me forward and attaches his lips to mine once again. He pushes me against the kitchen counter, puts a hand on either side of me as i wrap my arms around his neck, sucking on his tongue.
"This is a really bad idea." He moans into the kiss.
"The worst."
*********6:00pm********
We both roll away from each other on the bed, trying to catch our breath and cool down. Sweat was pouring from both our heads and we had bruises all along both our collarbones, necks. Our mouth were swollen and our hair was a mess.
We had had sex all afternoon, none stop. I don't even know where we got the energy from, probably from all that sexual frustration pent up for a year and a half. I turn my head to look at him and he does the same before he starts laughing and i follow along a few seconds after.
"Oh god, what a mess!" Dean laughs painfully, running his hands over his face.
"No no, this is good. It's like that episode of Friends where Rachel and Ross do that thing where they have one night together and that's it and-"
"You know to much about friends." He cuts me off, sighing and looking at me again. "You know that we're not together again, right?"
I sigh and turn to look away from him.
"Yes, Dean. You don't need to keep reminding me." I say sadly. I put and arm above my head and close my eyes for a second, enjoying the darkness from the eyelids. "You know something, i haven't even thought about taking drugs once since the moment i woke up next to you."
"What an achievement." Dean says sarcastically and i look at him sharply.
"No Dean, i don't think you understand. That is an achievement for a drug addict. Finding something that takes your mind of it is a huge achievement."
He frowns and nods his head.
"I'm sorry, that was harsh of me." He apologises and i shrug.
"It's okay. I understand why you're so bitter about it." I reply, sitting up up and cracking my neck.
"I have these steps." Dean says, sitting himself up beside me. "They were steps that i took to get over you. Selling the flat, buying the pub, getting a date were all apart of these steps. Maybe that's what you need."
"To get over you?" I ask and he nods. My lip quivers slightly but i hold it together so that he doesn't even see. "Dean, i don't want to get over you."
"But you're never going to be with me." He says and i smile sadly.
"I'm with you right now."
"You know that's not what i mean..."
"I know." I sigh and lean my head back against the head board. "I just don't know if i'm ready to get over you. How did you do it?"
"Like i said, with the steps."
"Ah yes, the infamous steps." I giggle and i gives me a nudge with his leg and smiles.
"Shut up, they worked for me. Maybe they'll work for you too." I nod my head.
"I'll think about it."
"I'm gonna make some dinner. You want anything?" He asks, slipping the covers off himself as i shrug.
"Just whatever your making." I tell him and he nods, slips on a pair of sweatpants and leaves the room. I hear his front door knocking and hear Dean talking to someone. I wondered who it was but didn't think anything of it.
I got out of bed and slipped into Dean's dressing gown before searching for my pack of cigarettes. I knew that he would probably hit me if i started smoking in his room so i exited to find Sam and Dean talking in the living room.
"Hey Sam." I say casually and begin exiting the room.
"Hey Cas." He replies absent-mindedly. "Dean, it's not as if i'm asking for-wait... CAS?!" But before he can question time me, i'm out of the door.
Dean (POV)
Sam looks at me in shock and i bite my thumb nail, avoiding his gaze at all cost. He crosses his arms and raises his eyebrows at me, staring at me so hard that i have to let my eyes land on him.
"It's not how it looks." I say quickly and he 'uh-huh's sarcastically.
"Yeah i'm sure. You're only wearing sweatpants and Cas comes out of your room, stark naked apart from a dressing gown. Not how it looks at all."
"Okay, look... we're not together. It's just- a one time thing." I explain, swinging my arms in the air dramatically.
"A one time thing? Are you stupid?!" He gives my arm a slap. "Castiel is never going to be a one time thing with you! He means to much to you for it to be a whole time thing. Whether you forgive him or not, you're still in love with him."
"He was drunk and high off his arse, he needed a place to sleep."
"A place to sleep? Did that place involve him being inside you?"
"HEY!" I shout, pointing a finger at him. "In truth i was the one that was inside him, thank you very much."
"Ew, Dean."
"You started it." I snap and he snorts and shakes his head.
"But Dean, it's cas-"
"Stop talking about it."
"But-"
"If you stop talking about it, i won't bring up the fact that you did things with Balthazar." I say, smirking slightly and his mouth drops open.
"How do you know about that?!" He exclaims and i tap my nose.
"You're businesses is yours, and mine is mine. Got it?" He nods his head. "Good."
Soon enough, Cas comes back upstairs and Sam turns to face him.
"Hey Cas."
"Hey Sam." They smile at each other awkwardly and then both look at me.
"Hey Dean." I say to myself and the other two laugh. Well, at least a bit of the awkwardness was gone.. right?
******
"Four hours left." I say breathlessly as Cas stops kissing me for a second to catch his breath.
"Don't time me, i get shy when i'm being timed." He snickers and kisses my jaw.
"I'm just reminding you that-"
"YES I KNOW!" He sits up and jumps out of bed, grabbing his hair. "I know, Dean. You're reminding me that even though i am having the best day of my life since we broke up that this isn't going to last. You're making sure that i'm not filled with this false hope that maybe, just maybe us two have a chance of getting back together. I know that. But you reminding me isn't stopping me from hoping with all my heart that there is still a small part of you that still wants to be with me, no matter what i did."
"Cas-"
"No, Dean. You're right, this was a mistake." Tears prickled his eyes and he began picking up his clothes.
"What are you doing?" I ask, scrunching my nose up slightly.
"I'm going."
"Going? You're going?" I ask in astonishment and he looks at me hopelessly and shrugs tiredly.
"Yes, Dean. You keep constantly reminding me of something that i can't have and i can't- i can't-" He fumbles on his words as a lump forms in his throat. He stands there looking at me pathetically and i frown and sit up, taking hold of his hand and nodding.
"I know, i'm sorry. The thing is Cas, i'm not doing it to remind you. I'm doing it to remind myself." I say honestly and he looks down at me and finally nods his head, dropping his clothes and crawling back into bed with me, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning his head on my shoulder.
Cas (POV)
Another hour later, me and Dean are kissing again and my phone suddenly rings out and around the room. I sits up, my legs on either side of Dean and answer it, leaning down to kiss him again.
"Hello." I mumbles out before biting his lip with mine.
"CASTIEL JAMES NOVAK YOU LITTLE FUCKING SHIT!!!" I hear my mom scream down the phone. I sit up quickly and look at the wall in confusion.
"What did i do?" I ask carefully.
"YOU BASTARD! YOU CHEAT ON DEAN, YOU TAKE DRUGS, YOU FIGHT YOUR BROTHERS? YOU ABSOLUTE WORM! WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!"
"Mom..."
"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO DEAN?"
"I'm with Dean right now..." I say, my heart beating heavily in my chest. The secret was out to mom now, i was so screwed.
"YOU'RE WITH HIM? Put him on the phone." Her voice goes eerily silent as i hand Dean the phone and look at him carefully, i can hear what's shes saying.
"What are you doing with him Dean?"
"I-it's a long story Anna."
"Are you back together with him?"
"No, Anna. We're just, it's nothing." Dean says, his voice shaking slightly.
"Good. He doesn't deserve you Dean. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking that he can win you back. You know what kind of games he plays. I'm going to sort that boy out but in the mean time-"
I stop listening to what she's saying. This was it, mom had a way with words. I would have to get my last taste of Dean before she ripped him away from me. I lean down and kiss his chest and nipples and neck and collarbones and cheek all the while she talks to him.
He finally puts the phone down and i'm still trying to kiss him as much as i can. I know what's coming next.
"Cas..." I ignore him, still kissing him. "Cas, stop."
"No, we have three more hours." My voice cracks as i don't take my lips off his skin.
"Anna's right, Cas." I sob into his chest and lean my forehead on it.
"Damn woman!"
He cups my face with his hands and lifts my head up to look at me, smiling sadly.
"We shouldn't have done this." He whispers and i nod my head.
"I know."
"We've just caused more pain for ourselves." I nod my head again.
"I know."
"C'mon, i'll get you a taxi." He sighs and i smile tiredly and shimmy off him and gradually begin pulling my clothes back on.
At the door, he holds it open for me and i walk out into the corridor before turning around to face him one last time.
"Cas." He says and i stare at him in silence. "I forgive you."
My heart lifted at these two words. It was as if the whole world had been finally lifted from my shoulders and a smile etches across my face.
"Thank you." I whisper out and put my arms around his neck to give him one last hug. "Thank you."
"It's your first step." He says and i pull away to look at him.
"My what?"
"Your first step; forgiveness." He smiles and i laugh slightly.
"Alright, any idea what my other steps are?" I ask and he shakes his head, leans down and kisses me one last time.
"You gotta work that one out for yourself." I smile and turn to go, waving goodbye. "Good luck with your mom!" He calls after me and i grin and shake my head, not even turning around as i can hear him laughing from halfway down the stairs.
A/N: Just making things cute and fluffy before tearing your hearts out again. awwww.