I wasn't going to listen to him, whatever he had to say. I covered my ears with my hands and ran away, running as fast as I could. He's hurt me enough already. I thought he would run after me, this is what happens in the movies. But it wasn't a movie and I had to deal with it. But why was I sad about it? Do I really want him to follow me? To catch up with me?
No, definitely not.
If he caught me I'm pretty sure I'd give up, believe his every word. Does that mean I've already lost my mind to him? Why do I want to believe him so much?
I slowed down and walked slowly through the streets of Bangkok that were well known to me. I passed people I didn't know and who didn't know me. I was sure each of them had their own history, perhaps full of disappointments and lost hopes. Some seemed happy. I saw a young boy who was leading his girlfriend by the hand. I thought about the fact that I would like to walk with Hia without any fear, and then I reflected that he doesn't feel anything towards me, that for him I'm just a job, a task to be done, the next step on the way to his great career.
I wanted to cry, but seeing the people around me, I refrained from doing it. Instead, I walked into the nearest building. It turned out to be a cinema. Without hesitating for a long time, I bought a ticket for the movie that was about to start. There were quite a few people in the audience, but no one paid any attention to me. I took my seat and let the action of the film take me, although at the beginning I didn't see much, I couldn't focus, I was constantly reliving what had happened in P'Sky's office.
I was confused. I pictured Zee as both a villain and a victim of a tragic misunderstanding. In some of my imaginations, he did it because he liked to play with other people, treated us like his laboratory toys or rats on which he could experiment, and in others he had a specific reason that he didn't want to reveal for some reason. Either way, his behavior hurt. I'd like to go back to my room, wrap myself in the duvet, and stay in bed for another decade. My heart felt heavy, as if someone had tied a ton of stone there.
I had bought popcorn before but couldn't swallow it now.
There was only one question in my head: „Why are you doing this to me? Do I really mean so little to you, P'Zee? We're not even friends, are we? And I had you for my idol, I liked you from the very first moment, and now I can see that it is all just illusions. I was fooled, I'm stupid and naive, right? It's clear that someone like Zee Pruk, handsome, polite, outspoken, doesn't need someone like me, I'm just a stupid kid to him, he'll never see someone else in me. And I was ready to follow him to the end of the world! Stupid New, stupid!“
I did everything completely automatically and I didn't register in my mind the moment when I started eating my popcorn, I probably did it only to occupy my hands. I was restless and lost.
"What's next? - I thought. - Should I just go back and record scenes with him tomorrow? How? Will I be able to refrain from showing him open aversion? "
* * *
I took my phone out of my pocket to check the time and saw that I had an email alert. Very few people at all knew that I had a gmail account, even fewer knew the exact address, so it interested me. I clicked on the notification and then a long message appeared in my eyes that I wanted to start reading right away. I sat down on the nearest bench, right under some tree.
From: 746486singer@gmail.com
“New, I'd like to introduce myself, but for security reasons, I can't do this. Forgive me if I bother you, but I just found out about your conversation with P'Sky.
My guess is that you are lost and perhaps scared, P'Sky may have told you to do something you don't want to. I understand your reluctance, but I also understand Zee's decision. I know you're wondering if you can still trust him. Let me tell you something.
I have been in the entertainment industry for several years, I know her inside out, I know Zee for less time, but I know that it is someone to whom I can entrust my own life and the life of my loved ones. Zee is always trying to protect those he loves and he cares about you especially, don't let P'Sky come in between you and confuse you. P'Sky is a very bad person, he forces people to do terrible things against their will. However, if you even seemingly do not take up his game, many people can suffer, including Max and Nat.
You don't know it, even Zee doesn't know it, but Max has paid a huge price for Nat's safety. Max, like Zee, did not want the most important person to be dragged into all this, so he agreed to something that disgusts and disgusts him. I don't know if you've noticed that Max avoids physical contact with other people, only Nat and Zee allow it, and do you know why?
You've probably noticed by now that P'Sky hates gays, hates the entire LGBT community, especially those who talk openly about who they are, but do you know his reasons?
He hates us so much because he envies you. This is where Max comes in, paying with his own body (I think you know what I mean) to protect Nat. At this point, I am forced to ask you to keep my message only to yourself. If you tell anyone, we'll all be in trouble. I just want you to know. And I want to spare you the fate of my friend. When S tried to commit suicide, I made a promise to myself that I would not allow anyone else to be brought to this state. Now I must warn you. Follow P'Sky's instructions politely and don't get trapped. P'Sky wants you to hate Zee, so do the opposite: support Zee, stay with him, motivate him as best you can.
You must be brave, strong and brave. Let P'Sky think he won.
If you have any questions or concerns, please write to me here.
Also, create a fake Instagram and Twitter account from which you can follow anyone who seems suspicious to you without drawing attention to yourself. You can pretend to be your fan, then it won't be surprising that you know a lot about NuNew. Take screenshots of all the messages P'Sky and P'Aof write to you, you never know when they might be useful to you. Always keep your phone with you, and when you know you are going to an interview at P'Sky's office, always turn on the recorder. This is very important and will help us find evidence of P'Sky's criminal activities.
Regards,
Your friend".
The message ended there. Before I wrote back, I thought about it for a long time, staring at the screen and reading the same text several times, as if to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. So there was someone who knew exactly what P'Sky was up to, someone who had to be close enough to know it from personal experience. One thing surprised me, and I asked about it right away.
“If you really know what P'Sky is doing, why don't you record it yourself? Why don't you collect the evidence yourself? "
The answer came faster than I had expected.
“I can't do this because I don't work for P'Sky anymore and neither does my friend. I don't know any other way to help my friend and save you and Zee in the process“.
"But you can write to P'Zee about it."
“I wrote, that's how I know that P'Sky told you to do something you don't want. Zee can't bring the phone to P'Sky's office because he doesn't trust him. Zee is under constant surveillance by P'Sky's people, there's nothing he can do. Now it's all in your hands. Just don't tell Zee about it, he'll be trying to stop you and we need hard evidence. "
I didn't know what to write back, so I didn't write anything else. Automatically I got up from the bench and walked towards the nearest store to buy something to drink. I felt tired. It's been a long day, and it's not over yet. I still didn't feel like talking to Zee, but now there was hope that maybe P'Zee wasn't really that bad, maybe he was just playing to confuse P'Sky? Maybe this mysterious gmail guy is right?
One thing I was 100% sure about: I will never ever trust P'Sky. I can see he's a monster.
* * *
On my way back to my room, I noticed that there were two people standing in the conference room right next to the small white board behind the tables. Their conversation wasn't very loud and I couldn't make out the words, so I moved closer. My heart skipped a beat as I realized who the two people were. P'Zee and P'Sky. I couldn't tell which one irritated me more at that moment. I had some respect for P'Zee, while P'Sky...
— I can make your life miserable, I can make Chawarin hate you. Do you really want it? I think you're not in position to discus it — P'Sky said it again with cold voice. If I didn't see in on my own eyes, I would never tell that he can be this much heartless. He seemed to be not very kind person from the beginning, but deep inside I hoped that it's only my imagination, because how can anyone be so much asshole? I was never talking to much to P'Sky until today but his behavior told me only one thing: I should be careful what I say and to whom. I should never trust person like P'Sky, but I did trusted him, when he asked me to work for him. I took it as a big chance, I didn't know, how much can it change my life.
— P'Sky... Please, I can do anything you want me to... Just...
— Zee, why can't you just once listen to me? Convince the nong. Andddd... No matter how you do it, you can already say goodbye to your first three episode payouts, and if you're not wise, my folks can easily make Blackpink think of you as their stalker, and you probably don't want to. true?
— No, please give us a chance. Please, boss, don't make us do this — I heard the pleading tone of his voice and that alone squeezed my throat. Never before have I thought about the sacrifices my screen partner is being forced to make. I thought it was his own choice, but... But what if he didn't actually had any choice?
— You're really not gonna do this? — I heard P'Sky's voice clearly now.
— No. I already told you that I won't do anything New doesn't want. You can't make him do it —Zee spoke calmly but firmly. His deep, low voice showed faint signs of nervousness.
— Huh? Zee, tell me, are you so stupid or are you pretending?
— What's the matter, P'Sky? Say it clearly — I could see Zee's face clearly from my seat, I knew him well enough to understand that he was holding back his anger with all his might. He was professional, in control of his emotions, but his tight-lined lips and a raised eyebrow in warning let me notice how difficult the whole situation is for Zee. I looked a little lower. His right hand was clenched into a fist, as if he wanted to punch his interlocutor, but at that moment he stretched it out as if he didn't want to show what was happening to him.
— Don't pretend you don't know. I can see you looking at this boy, I know you have feelings for him — P'Sky snorted, pushing him so that he hit his back against the wall. — You're pathetic, Zee. How do you not disgust yourself?
— I guess it's a matter between him and me, you shouldn't care. — Again that icy tone, able to freeze even boiling water. I was surprised P'Sky hadn't collapsed on the spot from the chill that blew.
— Don't you think I'm giving you an opportunity? You'll be able to get close to him. I know you only want to fuck this kid, you don't really love him, so this might help. You should be thankful to me.
— No, I don't think so. I don't want to cheat on him, I want him to know the real me and if he can love me I'll be the happiest person on Earth, and if not ... Well, I can handle it. Nothing to do with you, it's my life.
— You're wrong, you're both my artists, you've signed contracts, you have to do what I tell you, because if not ... — P'Sky walked dangerously close to Zee, grabbing his shirt and pushing him a second time, this time much harder, on a wall. It must have hurt, because even at this distance, I could hear Zee's hiss. I thought they would start fighting, but no. P'Sky backed away, only shaking his finger at him. — And remember, not a word to anyone, unless you want your loved one to be taken away from here in a black sack.
It was only then that I remembered that I was told to record similar situations with the phone, but it was too late for that. I was angry with myself for missing out on such an opportunity. This could be the evidence That Someone From Mail wrote about getting.
I was curious about who he was, where he got my e-mail address from, and why was he really anxious to get evidence against P'Sky? It had to be someone who worked with him before and someone who doesn't work with him anymore. And someone who has been working for more than 2 years. I decided to review all the series P'Sky has worked on in my free time, there must be someone who connects it all.
I remembered that Cow and Melanie considered "Sotus" to be one of the most important cheeses, with Krist and Singto as the main actors.
"Wait ... Singto?! Didn't that one have something singing in the username ?! But ... Singto ... How would Singto know Zee? Ah, well, they work in one industry, in the entertainment industry, it's clear that they know each other, maybe they met at some casting or on the set of an advertisement or at an awards ceremony? Just ... Would Singto risk being recognized by his nickname? He would be in a lot of trouble ... Hmmm ... But if not him, who? "
I had to give up my thoughts on this for a while, because P'Sky started to leave, and I ran away with my heart in my throat and hid on the stairs, pretending I was just getting off my floor. When P'Sky walked past me, I said hello as if nothing had happened, I even gave him a gentle smile, I was after all an actor, it wasn't difficult to play it, even though inside my stomach was twisting with disgust when I looked at him. Fortunately, he didn't keep me long, just told me to reconsider his offer. When he disappeared from my sight, I immediately ran to the place where they had been talking a moment earlier. Zee was sitting against the wall, his knees tucked up to his chin, his arms wrapped around them. He wasn't crying, he was a tough guy, and he rarely got carried away, but he was clearly shaky and looked scared. He was dressed in a plain, thin, white T-shirt with some weird print and nonsensical English lettering, and bright jeans. He was wearing white sneakers from some brand unknown to me, probably expensive. In one ear I saw a simple, small, gold earring. Even in such conditions, he was very handsome, even his despair was full of some such pride, dignity.
I've never seen him in such a pitiful condition before. He looked like someone whose world had collapsed, someone with a broken heart. I wanted to hug him, console him, I wanted all the suffering that radiated from his figure to disappear. I already knew he didn't deserve it.
— Zee... — I said, my throat feeling dry. I cleared my throat and tried again. — P'Zee!
He looked up. There was no expression on his face, it looked like an expressionless mummy mask, but the position he sat in told me a lot more about his well-being. I crouched down beside him.
— New ... What are you ... What are you doing here? - He asked in a trembling voice, vibrating from long-hidden emotions.
_ I heard everything, I heard your conversation — I said right away without any introduction, afraid that if I didn't say it directly now, I would not have the courage later. — I'm sorry I didn't believe you, I'm sorry I was mad at you, now I know you didn't mean anything bad.
I let a few salty droplets come out of my eyes. Zee immediately put his arms around me and closed me in a tight embrace. Only then did I feel a little better. The heat and smell of his body were soothing to me like a healing balm. With him, I understood the meaning of the phrase "safe haven" better, because that was what he was for me. Regardless of how much happened between us and how many people tried to separate us, the more I got to know him, the more I realized that I was maybe I already loved him or maybe I loved him from the very beginning, maybe there was no point in running away from it.
— I'm sorry, New. For letting this asshole go this far. You're younger and in my care, I shouldn't let P'Sky force you to do these things.
— No, P'Zee, don't apologize to me, I know you're trying to protect me, and I promise I won't be a problem anymore.
He pushed me lightly, still holding me from his embrace, and began to study my face carefully, as if he was looking for an answer to a question, I think he found it, because he moved closer, ripped his bangs open to reveal the skin, and kissed my forehead. It was quite enjoyable.
— My dear New, I ask you to remember one thing: you don't cause problems. You want to be yourself, you are yourself, you make decisions that you think are good and I will support you in that. Being yourself and having your own opinion and your own dreams and plans doesn't mean causing problems. I totally understand why you don't want us to pretend to be a couple. Faking a relationship for the scenes for the movie is completely different from what P'Sky is asking of us. The fact that you didn't agree is not causing problems, in fact I'm proud of you because you can express your own opinion. I didn't have that much courage when I was your age.
For the last sentence, he lowered his gaze and stared at his legs.
— Let's do it — I said, and he immediately looked up and looked at me as if he didn't understand what I was talking about.
— What?
— We'll do it, but on our own terms. We will not pretend to be a couple, but we will hang out together, show ourselves in public and see what comes out of it. Let's take a chance, okie?
— Okie, okie. — A happy smile crossed his face. My answer satisfied him completely. — So you let me hit on you? But seriously?
—Yes, I think so — I replied, feeling my cheeks burn with living fire. I couldn't sit still so I got up and left the room. This time Zee didn't leave me alone, this time he followed me.
— Thank you, Nong New — He said aloud. I glanced at him stealthily. He seemed really pleased. That smile suited him, I could look at it for hours and never get bored. When I got back to my room, I called Nat right away and told him everything. That huge stone that hung over my heart tumbled down the chasm and vanished with a feeling of relief. Hope returned (or maybe she was always there, hid only for a moment?) That everything would work out.
— People like us don't win Grammy, they're not world-famous — I said to Zee. Today I understood, that I have to choose between my dreams and my real self. Will it be worth it? Will I be able to do it? What if one day I'll break my own heart doing that? Or if I'll hurt fans lying to them? What if they'll feel disappointed in me?
But this was always my dream: work in enterainment industry, have big concerts or even win some awards... As teenager I dreamed about selling out tickets for my own show at Wembley, I imagined, that there's a lot of people who came there exactly for me, they were there, because I was their idol, their reason to smile and feel happy — My work in BL industry could help achieve that dream, but I never knew that the price will be so high.
— We can either hide and agree to what our managers and our labels are proposing to us, hoping that if we work with them, maybe they won't punish us as much, and who knows, maybe even help us achieve something. We can also tell the truth, but then no label will want to work with us. NuNu, I don't think we have a choice right now. The time will come when we will be free. And I promise you, we'll tell our fans everything then. It's not like I want to hide. It's just that our voice isn't strong enough yet, we can easily be drowned out. For now, we can only follow P'Sky's order — He answered to me and I heard the pain in his shaking voice. I hugged him very tight, promising myself, that I'll never let him go alone.
— So I was not mistaken —My friend was clearly pleased. — He really likes you. I've known Zee for a while, he's been through a lot in his life, don't let him suffer again.
The words sounded very mysterious, but when I tried to question him, he only said one thing.
— If you want to know, ask him. I shouldn't have gossiped about it. I can give you a little hint. P'Saint and "Why R U", I won't say anything more.
Indeed, despite my strenuous attempts, he was as silent as a tomb. I hung up and immediately typed "zee and saint" in the search engine on YouTube. The proposed video was displayed to me right away, I saw some of them, I watched "Why R U" myself and that's where I saw Zee for the first time. I started watching whatever was available. Then I read the comments. Viewers wrote something about some conflict between Zee and Saint. The more I delved into it, the less I understood. It all made no sense together. In addition, Singto did not seem to fit the whole story at all.
I pushed my laptop aside, took a blank, unsaved notebook out of my backpack, opened it right at the beginning, and began taking notes. I was going to become a spy or a detective myself and find out the truth about what seemingly unconnected people had in common.
I noted a few questions:
1. Who and why sent me this e-mail warning me about P'Sky? Could it be Singto Prachaya Ruangroy, who is known for his roles in serials such as "Sotus", "He's Coming To Me".
2. What was between P'Saint and P'Zee? Why are they not friends anymore?
3. Why does P'Sky seem to hate P'Zee so much?
4. Were the other actors also forced to do something similar to me and Zee?
5. What did P'Sky do to Max?
6. Why, even though everyone knows about P'Sky's practices, is nobody stopping it?
Only these questions came to mind. I even thought about it in the shower and later lay safely on my back in bed staring at the white ceiling as if he had any answers. There was little we could do so far. You should have watched P'Sky, unfortunately I can't tell anyone about it... Although... Maybe I'll tell Nat? Of course, I'm not going to reveal all the details, just to explain that something bothers me about the behavior of our employer and that I want to check something. Nat is smart, he'll probably figure out if something is wrong, and then I won't have to say anything else, which will save me time and trouble.
Meanwhile, I will act as usual. Tomorrow I have a demo on my schedule as Kirin, which means that for the next two or three days I will not see P'Zee at all, because he is staying here to practice the next scenes.
—Aaaaaaagh! — I sighed loudly, annoyed.
It was hard for me to fall asleep that night, no matter how hard I tried.