INTO THE STARS
———
MALACHI
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
God, that was infuriating, to say the least. One session in and I am already questioning my state of mind when I agreed to this.
Doctor Andrews is a sweet lady and I won't deny that. She was patient and expected nothing other than what I was willing to give her. She assured me it was normal for patients to be hesitant to answer her questions in the first session, which eased some of my discomfort. The only pressure that was in that room was the pressure I was putting on myself to let my past and the reason I was there come spilling out of my mouth with no restraint. That didn't happen.
Although, I told her the reason I thought I should start therapy and why I was there. I wouldn't have been there had it not been for Brinley. I am sure if I checked my phone right now, there would be about five messages from Brinley, asking me to let her know how it went and if we need to switch therapists. Luckily, I don't think we do.
My hands grip the steering wheel, my eyes slammed shut as I try to process everything floating in my mind. Sweat is pouring out of every gland and I can't even blame on the room being too hot because, if anything, it was too cold. It is just the nerves getting to me.
My phone rings from the cup holder, the contact popping up on my phone along with a stupid photo of Kohen I took about a year ago. I groan, the idea of socializing not sounding very appealing right not but I answer, the line staying silent until Kohen finally speaks.
"Thank fuck. Have you risen from the dead? 'Cause, I swear, no one has heard from you for months," Kohen exaggerates. I spoke to Aunty Nona last week, but Kohen is always one for hyperboles.
"Hello, dear brother. Way to be dramatic, I might say." I don't have to see Kohen to know that he just rolled his eyes. "Is there something you need?"
"Yes, there is, actually. Troy and Winona were wondering if you wanted to join us for dinner in two weeks' time," Kohen tells me, knowing exactly how I feel about these things.
I love my aunt and uncle and the effort they make with us, but these dinners sometimes feel pointless. Plus, I have told no one about me taking up therapy and I don't really want to deal with seeing their reaction in person, which will probably happen.
I clear my throat and, begrudgingly, mutter, "Okay."
"Great!" Kohen's chipper voice comes through my phone speakers, catching me slightly off guard. "See you then."
Then the line goes dead. I yawn and the annoyance from earlier returns.
I just want to get home and crawl into bed for the next three to five business days. But I just have to put that little idea on hold.
Of the many options Brinley had sent me for potential candidates, I obviously had to choose the one furthest away from campus. That just leaves me more time to sit in silence, my thoughts the only thing to keep me company.
・ ・ ・
When I get home, I am not only shocked but a little bothered to see all of my roommates, plus Brooklynn and Brinley, gathered around the coffee table in the living room playing board games.
The moment the front door closes behind me with a little more force than intended, all eyes divert from the game and focus on me. The first person I look at is Brinley, noting her softened gaze. She is the only person that knows where I have been for the past three hours.
I ignore everyone else, not at all in the mood to socialize and play board games.
"Hey, Malachi. Wanna join?" Tyson offers, probably already knowing the answer by my mood but doing it because of courtesy.
"No, I'll leave you to it. Thanks for offering, though." I give the group a tight-lipped smile before walking around them straight to the kitchen for something to drink.
There is no surprise that when I open the fridge the only liquor I find is the cheap beer Tyson insists on buying. I grab one bottle, pop it open, and take one sip, letting the bitter liquid linger in my mouth before swallowing.
I trek past the group yet again and up the stairs to my room, finally feeling my muscles ease the moment I flop down on my bed. I stare blankly at the grungy band posters I have hanging on my walls, a stark contrast to the bright white walls in our home. Sunlight floods into the room through my two slim windows, withholding me from bathing in the darkness.
Another gulp follows another gulp until I have about half of the cheap liquor left, failing to quench the urge to numb myself all over.
A light knock on my door halts my hand halfway to my mouth.
"Who is it?" my voice echoes back, though already having a slight inkling as to who it might be.
As a response, my bedroom door opens, revealing just the person I was expecting. She looks at me, her gaze wary but expectant. It goes without asking that there are so many questions roaming through her head but I don't know if I am ready to answer them.
The longer she stares without either of us saying something, the tension grows thicker. She takes one step into my private threshold and closes the door behind her softly.
Brinley's eyes hold mine until I can't take it any longer and look away, taking yet another sip, trying not to grimace when the now warm beer graces my mouth.
She lets out an audible sigh before opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish. "How did it go?"
I hold my breath until I need to expel air. "Fine."
Brinley's eyebrows raise like she wasn't expecting me to answer that. "She was good? Do you think you'll go back?"
My head moves in a slight nod.
"That's... good."
Awkward tension fills the room and the space between us. I can feel her stare burning holes all over my body, making my skin itch, and one question I need to ask her lingering in the front of my mind.
"Why are you doing this, Jones?" I blurt, my gaze finding her striking blue eyes that never fail to take my breath away. Everything about her takes my breath away, no matter how many times I look at her.
Brinley takes a visible gulp, not prepared for my question at all. "I am doing this... because... you are my friend."
I lift one eyebrow, my brain fixating on the way she says "friend" like she doesn't believe it's true. Thank fuck we aren't alone on that, because I don't think I could ever be just friends with Brinley Jones. "I don't understand."
She rolls her eyes in a humorous manner. "Well... friends stick with each other through tough times."
I push myself up into a sitting position, my spine straightening. "Stop referring to us as 'friends.' It's pissing me off."
Brinley throws her arms up in the air, huffing out a frustrated breath. "What else am I meant to call you? My friend or someone who ghosts me for weeks on end, only calling me up when you are horny?"
My body tenses at her sharp statement. My hands find their way to my hair, threading through the strands. "That isn't what happened."
"Don't fucking lie, Malachi. That is exactly what happened. You ghosted me and the only reason I can think of why is because lines were blurring, and we were getting closer than either of us anticipated," Brinley tells me, her voice raising ever so slightly with every word that she speaks.
I shake my head, my tongue poking my cheek to refrain from saying anything hurtful or regretful.
"You pushed me away after the snow trip, for God knows what reason."
"I thought that was what was best for you. For us," I admit, my irritation building. "Everything that was said on that trip... meant nothing."
Brinley scoffs. "You don't even believe the bullshit you are spitting out. I am speaking for the both of us when I say it did mean something, but you are just too scared to admit it to yourself. Things are changing and it doesn't have to be for the worse, Malachi."
Standing from the bed, needing some leverage for when I speak again. "I am the catalyst in this situation. I am the catalyst in every situation I make or enter. The only thing I was doing was stopping you from seeing that and preventing you from experiencing more pain in the future. Pushing you away was the only solution."
Brinley paces in front of my bedroom door, making my head spin the more I look at her. "You knew what you were doing, and you knew it would hurt, but... somehow that didn't even stop you."
"You're right. I knew what I was doing, but I only did it because I am unlovable, Brinley. You have to understand that what I was doing was the right thing." I recognize the error of my ways, but she just needs to understand my reasoning.
"Why the fuck would you think you are unlovable? You may not see it, Malachi, but you are loved by so many people. Ask anyone in this house right now and they will tell you that."
I shake my head, knowing that isn't true. "You are wrong. My dad hated me, my mother loved so hard it got her killed, my foster dad believed I was his punching bag and my foster mother couldn't care less. I am incapable of being loved because every person I thought should, betrayed or left me."
Tears gather in the corner of Brinley's eyes. "You can judge me all you want, dissect every word I have said to you, every action I have made. Then you will know, for certain, that I mean it when I tell you I love you and I will spend the rest of my days proving to you why you are, in fact, lovable, you understand?"
My eyes close and I flinch as if I have been shot. The only bullet that has hit me is the three-word, eight-letter phrase Brinley just threw at me.
"The whole point of love is sticking with someone even when times get tough. What's the point of telling someone you love them if you don't plan on staying with them? What's the point of loving someone if you are just going to let it go?" she says, her words softening from the harsh tone she had as a single tear cascades down her cheek. "You can tell me you don't want me and I will leave and deal with the heartbreak on my own but if there is one thing I want you to know, it is that there is one person in this cruel world that loves you."
I shut my eyes, wishing the world would come and swallow me up right now. Brinley Jones, I don't deserve you in any capacity. The same three words are on the tip of my tongue, so close to escaping. "I... do love you. But..." My throat closes up and I can't get any more words out.
My eyes reopen, instantly meeting her glistening, yet shocked ones. My body falls back onto my bed and I rest my heavy head in my hands.
Brinley's body falls down next to mine, her head resting on my shoulder and her arms wrapping around my waist. "You still need time. You need to process and understand your feelings and work through your trauma. Before you can enter a relationship, you need to love yourself. You asked me to wait for you and I will do that, but I never want you to doubt that I love you and you are lovable."
She lifts her head and I avert my gaze to hers rather than the ground. The tears have dissipated from her eyes, but I can still see some of the lasting hurt in them. I give her a small nod, understanding where she is coming from.
I want to kiss her, a meaningful and momentous kiss, but before I can, she stands from my bed, leaving me alone in my bedroom yet again, memories of what just transpired between us haunting me.
I am on my own again. Just like I always have been, yet this time I have the knowledge that I have someone rooting for me on the other side.
———
AUTHORS NOTE
back again. it's me, hi, im the problem, it's me.
midnights has arrived and i have made that my personality for the past week just so everyone is aware.
it's been awhile because i had no inspiration and forgot i had an idea saved for this chapter but realised i hated it when i read over it again sooo i had to come up with something else i liked.
anyways, into the stars reached 120k reads 😭 i love you guys endlessly and i cannot believe how far we have come together 🫶🏻
that's all i have to say :)
love,
rose x