Only a week goes by, yet it feels like many more weeks. I'm already impatient for Harry's reply to my letter. I was just walking up to Malfoy to receive any mail there may be for me until he blurted out.
"It's not here."
Disappointed, I start heading up to my room alone, because ever since Kasper started working, I have had no one to talk to. He goes to work at 8:30 a.m. and doesn't get back until 5:30 p.m. This means I have no one to talk to during the day and when he does get home, he is too tired to chat about anything. I worry he may be over working himself, but I be as considerate as I can and leave him to rest until the next morning. Therefore, I have practically spent this entire week alone in my bedroom. I have become so bored that I have written over five letters to Harry, and I have mailed all of them. I didn't know what else to do, so I pretended I was talking directly to Harry through the words which I wrote upon the paper.
Luckily, Kasper gets Sundays off and is supposed to come home with a handful of galleons.
I just wish it weren't Saturday.
Before my hand could reach the doorknob to my room, Narcissa calls out to me from a distance. As I watched her walk up to me, I wished I had gotten to my room sooner.
"You've been locked up in your room lately. Why's that?" asked Narcissa, whose gaze seemed compassionate.
"Oh, just bored. Nothing to worry about," I smiled to try to mask the fact that being lonely was slowly draining me.
"Well, I believe you should cure that boredom by taking a walk with Draco in the garden."
"With Draco..." The words floated out of my mouth involuntarily and trailed off quickly.
I haven't spoken Malfoy's first name in months.
"Yes, with Draco. Do you not like him or something?"
"I- um-"
"I'm just teasing, darling. Just be downstairs in five minutes please. Draco has not been too busy nor cheerful either, but I know you can cheer him up. It will do both of you some good."
"I'll be there."
I step into my room and shut the door.
You know, maybe being alone wasn't that bad. I take everything back.
Well, as much as I wish I could take back my thoughts and possibly time, I can't, and I must live with the present reality.
As I changed into a pair of jeans and an over-sized sweater, Narcissa's words ringed in my ears.
Do you not like him or something?
I don't, I wanted to say, in fact, I hate him. He does nothing but take pride in tormenting me. He's toxic. He's selfish. He's everything you don't want to be.
I slowly slide on my boots, trying to waste as much time as possible before I had to go downstairs and approach Malfoy.
To my surprise, he was already waiting for me at the back door. He stared at me blankly and opened the door.
"After you," he said, his hand suggesting I should go before him.
I scanned the room for Narcissa, though she was nowhere to be seen. I supposed Malfoy was being polite all on his own.
It seemed to be rather cool for a summer evening. Perhaps the occasional breeze that would pass by as we walked could be the reason for this. I appreciated the cool atmosphere though. Going on a walk in the heat is certainly not comfortable. I love Narcissa to bits, but what is her reason for forcing me and Malfoy to take a stroll? An even bigger question: why does she feel the need to force us? Maybe she should leave me and Malfoy to settle things on our own, because I don't believe this will solve anything.
Well, to start off, it was immensely awkward between us two. Nobody said anything, but I could sense he did not want to be with me as much as I did not want to be with him. The song of birds and the wisping sound of the gentle breeze sounded throughout the surroundings, but even those background noises could not replace the long and awkward silence that still stood between the presence of me and my enemy.
"The weather is nice, isn't it?" I suddenly asked.
Something about the silence was unsettling, though, as I reconsidered my actions, it probably should have stayed quiet.
"Perhaps," he answered, his thoughts too busy to even think about carrying on a conversation.
A pause so short yet so long lingered between us, until that pause turned into a lengthy and quiet moment with time. I could not think of much to say.
"How are you feeling?"
This time, Malfoy said nothing and gazed around as if he were convincing himself he was hearing things.
"So, are we just going to ignore each other for the entire time?" I asked rather irritated.
"Unless you know of something better we could do," he answered with an annoyed sigh.
"Maybe we could at least have a friendly conversation?"
"You want to talk to me?"
"Well, we are going to be out here for a while thanks to Narcissa. We might as well do each other a favor and occupy our minds that way."
"We're talking right now. How much of a favor is this really doing us?"
"It's just passing the time, that's all."
"You can't pass time. You can't add to it or steal it away. Time will always continue at its normal speed."
"You know what I mean."
"Well, as much as I am enjoying our time together," Malfoy announced in a not-so-excited tone of voice, "Why don't we just walk the rest of the way in silence and pretend we were having a good ole jolly time when we return to our rooms."
"Pretend," I whispered to myself with a thought.
"Excuse me?"
I halted in my path.
"Why do we have to pretend? Why does it have to be this way?" I realized how stupid I sounded.
"What are you talking about?"
It has been about six months since the incident in the Astronomy Tower with Malfoy happened. Six months since the rejection. I suppose I should have known he would be this way just by the way he reacted when Harry rejected his handshake on the first day of school. However, holding a grudge this long can't be healthy. Something needs to be done. We do finally need to settle this.
"Are we just going to keep hating each other, or are we going to settle this like the matured teenagers we are?"
I hated being like this, but everything in me was tired of this. My hands were visibly shaking, though I don't think he cared to notice. Six months. Six months I have been holding this in. I tried to forget Malfoy. I tried to forget I was ever associated with him. Yet, somehow, I have too many memories with him that just cannot be erased. It might be much easier to forget him if I did not live with him, but I know he can't hold a grudge against me forever.
Well, maybe he can, but I don't wish it.
"I'm not doing this," he demanded unkindly.
"I've done nothing to you."
I would have wished to settle this months ago in hopes of being friends again, but now even if we do forgive each other, I only want to remain strangers simply because I'm not entirely ready to forgive and forget everything.
My words seemed to have lit a fire of fury within Malfoy. His expression darkened.
"So we're lying to ourselves now?"
"I've done nothing to you, and you know it." My voice audibly shook with uncontrollable rage. I'm lying? Is he serious? "If this is still about me dating Harry then-"
Malfoy let out a loud and hideous laugh.
"You truly think I care?"
"You cared at one point. Don't try to deny it."
I really wished Harry were out here right now. He would back me up. Until then, I did my best to keep my tone as calm as possible.
"Just go," he spat, "I'm sure Potter is much more... important."
Is this what this is about? A battle between who I find more important? His jealousy is consuming him, if it has not already.
He started to walk away.
"I never intended to gain a relationship while losing your friendship." I stomped after him with determination.
One day, Malfoy needs to learn that some things need to be let go. He needs to see how ridiculous he is being. This should not be such a big deal. It feels like we are fighting over nothing.
Unless this was all about something much deeper.
"What has Harry ever done to you?" I added.
This question was so out-of-the-blue that it caused Malfoy to stop and turn in my direction. By the way he was glaring at me, I sensed I made some sort of mistake, but in no way was I ever afraid of him.
"Remember that one time Potter stomped up to me and told me that you never wanted to be with me, that you wanted nothing to do with me, that you were better off without me?" he asked, his gaze piercing my soul. His tone was heavy with fury.
I stayed silent, maybe because I did not remember or maybe because I had no clue what he was referring to.
"What about the time he approached me in the middle of the corridor and threatened to hurt me if I did not stay away from you?"
"No, you started that fight."
"Oh, is that what Potter told you? Funny, but not true. He started it, while I made it public."
He was doing an oddly good job at containing his anger.
I remembered that fight, but I was not there in time to see who approached who. I never wanted either of them to have a physical fight over me. Honestly, that was embarrassing.
I shook my head in denial. "That's not true. Harry would not do that."
"Of course, you pick his side. I know you would not believe me. Go ahead. You don't want me. Just as you said."
"Malfoy, either your memory is poor, or you are lying because I never said any of that ever."
Well, I may have thought it after the big fight. Except, I never told Harry that I wanted nothing to do with Malfoy and if I did not tell Harry then he could not have told Malfoy.
"I did not believe Harry at first, you know?" he continued, "I later realized I should have listened though. Because he was right, you hate me."
"You're acting like you haven't done anything to hurt me. You basically THREATENED me not to be friends with Harry on multiple occasions and INSULT ME NOW WHENEVER YOU PLEASE!" I realized how deafening my voice was becoming.
"AND IT'S STUPID OF ME, OKAY?"
I took a step back in pure astonishment. Malfoy put his head down to contain himself once more. His eyes never met mine after that. For a short moment all I could hear was the rapid beating of my heart and my own breathing.
"This is what you wanted right?" His voice changed back to its neutral tone, "To talk? It's all true though. You hate me. I realized when I was in the Astronomy Tower that night and I was reminded when you took a punch to my face."
Words could not form on my lips. I was left speechless. I do hate him, but the hatred formed after he went crazy in the Astronomy Tower that one night. We were best friends. I loved him. We did everything together. He welcomed me into his friend group on the first day of school. Even before school, we played pretend and climbed trees.
Nothing could have separated us.
"But I'm the bad guy, right?"
How stupid is he? I wanted to scream at him for gaslighting me. For lying about Harry. For lying about me. For making me feel like the "bad guy".
I never told Harry that I wanted nothing to do with Malfoy. I defended Malfoy in every bad conversation about him, but for some reason I now could not defend myself.
"You hate me too?" I stated as I furrowed my brows, confusion appearing visibly on my face.
Perhaps I slowly grew to hate him even before the incident in the Astronomy Tower, but I know for a fact that the feeling is mutual.
His gaze finally met mine and I felt somewhat dizzy.
"I don't hate you."
My vision seemed to blur, and my mind seemed to fog for a split second. Truly, I was going insane. The obvious lie felt like a kick to the stomach.
The rest of the walk felt like a horrible, horrible dream.