The next few days were long, being under constant eyes and Beauty Bombshell rehearsal. I haven't had any time to myself at all. I feel even more tired and drained. The show is tomorrow night and I'm trying so hard to keep my head up. I don't know why I feel like this. I guess this is what depression does to you; it has me covered from the waist down, it seems to be moving faster and faster every minute. It won't stop until it covers me, drowns me. The constant taunting at school doesn't help either, it hasn't been too bad but it's still enough to affect me. They never really showed me how to live with depression, just told me what the effects could be which I think I've had them all. I'm just ready for this week to end.
I slipped out of class early to get some time to myself. I paced up and down the bathroom, trying to calm myself. I'm stressing too much and I can't figure out how to stop it. I wish I could fight the demon within me but all it's doing is taking over me. My mind is screaming, it's like screaming in the middle of a crowded room and nobody looks up. Nobody can hear the cry for help. I stopped pacing and stood in front of the mirror. I stared at the reflection of a girl who's been gone for a while. She was left in the holding room with her father. This girl, the lost girl staring back at me is someone way different. I don't even know her.
"Well, hello, Zoë." Said a voice that sends chills down my spine. "Where's your boyfriend?"
Diamond's reflection appeared behind mine in the mirror. I could feel her breath on my neck. I turned to face her. Her dark eyes glared at me, her perfect nose now broken and bandaged. A sneer was formed on her lips.
"What do you want?" I snapped.
"I want to make your life a living hell." She said back. "When I'm done with you, you're going to wish you were dead."
"I already do." I said. "So what's new?"
She took a step back.
"I never understand you." I said. "How you waste your time making someone else's life miserable when it can't possibly get any worse than it already is. Don't you have your own miserable life to deal with?"
She looked stunned.
"I always win, Zoë." She said, "I won't stop until I do."
She took a step closer to me and I backed up only to run into the sink.
"You have nowhere to go so why try."
I was pinned against the wall, stuck in between two sinks. My heart was racing.
"The bell will ring soon and someone will find me."
"I still have time."
"Diamond, don't. This isn't you. I know there is a better person inside you somewhere." I said.
"You don't know who I am!"
She punched me in the stomach; I gasped and coughed as I doubled over with pain.
"You have no idea how long I wanted to do that."
She grabbed me by my hair, pulling me back on my feet.
"You're a worthless piece of trash." She said, slapping me so hard my head flew back. My blood boiled as I stood my ground, glaring at her.
"If I'm such a worthless piece of trash, why waste your time?" I spit.
I tasted blood from my split lip.
"I won't stop until you surrender." She said,
"I won't stop fighting, I will never stop fighting!" I yelled.
She grinned. "Aren't you a tough one?"
She punched me in the stomach again, that second blow made it hard to breathe.
"Just admit that you're a freak and always will be."
I fell to the ground, it hurt to breathe.
"I...will...not." I said gasping for air.
"Zoë, Zoë, Zoë, admit it or not. You will always be on a low life, psycho path. Jace doesn't really love you, he feels bad for you. He always had."
"You're...a liar!" I yelled. "You're just jealous that he doesn't love you."
"He did. His pretty little hands explored my body once too. I've touched his skin."
"I don't believe you!" I said.
"Believe what you will!" She said standing over me. She crouched down next to me, moving a strand of hair out of my face.
"Look at you, you've never looked better!" She grinned.
My heart pounded in my chest. I didn't know what she was planning next. I tried slowing my breath to ease the pain but it only hurt worse. My eyes didn't leave her in this intense stare down. I wasn't letting her break me again.
"Zoë! What the hell is going on here?" I sighed with relief at the sound of Jaelyn's voice. "Get away from her!" Jaelyn pulled Diamond off of me and shoved her away.
"We aren't finished!" She said before leaving.
"Boy, I'm glad to see you." I said. I took a painful deep breath.
"Are you okay?" She had fear in her eyes. "Jace and James have been looking for you everywhere."
She helped me off the bathroom floor. The pain has eased a little but it still hurts.
"She attacked me." I said. "She cornered me, I couldn't fight back."
I looked in the mirror; my lip was fat and bloody. I could feel it throbbing. I lifted up my shirt to see what damage was done. My stomach was red and already bruised.
"Jesus, Zoë! You need to tell someone!"
"I can't, Jaelyn." I said, pulling my shirt back down. "Please, promise me you won't say anything."
"Zoë, this isn't good."
"Please, Jae!" I begged.
"Okay, fine."
"Thank you. Please, help me clean up."
Jaelyn helped me clean up and make my lip a little less noticeable.
"I ran into a locker door, okay?" I told her.
"Okay."
I hate having her lie for me but no one can know what really happened, not yet. We left the bathroom and headed to my locker, where Jace was waiting.
"There you are!" He said.
"I was in the bathroom." I said.
"What happened to your lip?"
"I ran into a locker door." I explained. "I'm so clumsy."
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Uh, yeah." I said smiling.
I looked over at Jaelyn who shifted uncomfortably where she stood, she looked nervous. I gave her a small smile. I think he bought it or at least I hope he did. I know he's not stupid but I think I lied well enough. He doesn't need to know, I don't want him to know. This is my fight that he doesn't need to fight. This is about me, not him. I feel bad for lying to him but he would go crazy if he knew, I know how he is. The bruise isn't that bad so it should be gone in a few days, at least I hoped. He won't see it. He'll just worry, I don't want him too. The show is tomorrow, that is what we all need to focus on, nothing else.
~~~
I knew she was lying to me; she was never a good liar. I can see the truth in her eyes, I know she's been hit. I don't understand why she would feel the need to lie. We tell each other everything. I need to know but yet, I don't want to push her. Stressing her out is not what she needs right now. She is worrying me. She's been different the past few days. She's been worried, more and more tired and sometimes angry. I thought maybe it had something to do with her checkup Monday but I know it's something else. I just don't know what she is hiding from me. Everyone seems so secretive lately. Every time I bring it up to her, she'll just snap at me. I don't like it, one bit.
***
The girls just left after our last practice, it was the best yet. We are going to rock the show tomorrow, I can't wait. I just changed into my night clothes, I had walked back into my room when my phone went off. I walked over to my nightstand and picked it up.
-Unknown-
I found a bridge for you so when you get the need to kill yourself, you can go here. I'll even help you with a small push."
My heart stopped and a lump grew in my throat.
My phone went off again.
-Unknown-
"How much do you pay?"
Message after message kept coming in.
"Slut!"
"Whore!"
"Psycho path!"
"How many STD's do you have now?"
"Show is tomorrow! Break a leg...literally!"
The tears fell faster and faster as I looked over the messages over and over. I threw my phone across the room and fell to my knees. Will this ever end? I feel worthless enough! My phone beeped once again, I got up and went to it.
-Unknown-
"Everyone hates you now. They think you are disgusting. How does that feel? I bet you wish you were dead now, too bad, huh? Have a great night, psycho path."
I shoved my phone in my PJ pocket, tears still falling. I ran to my bathroom searching and searching for the one thing I knew Jace threw out a long time ago. I turned my bathroom upside down only to come out empty handed. The anger boiled inside of me, I felt dizzy. I ran out of my bathroom and out of the room. The music from down stairs told me the boys were still practicing, I sighed with relief and walked into the other bathroom. I know there is a blade somewhere, I hid them everywhere. Searching every part of the bathroom, I finally found it. I made my way back to my room, shutting my door and locked it. I climbed out my window and up to the roof. I didn't even care that it was freezing. My phone vibrated in my pocket so I pulled it out. I dreaded opening the message but I did it anyway.
-Unknown-
"Hello, Psycho freak! I told you we weren't done yet, payback's a bitch, huh? Well, I hope you enjoyed our lovely texts. They come from deep in our hearts. I am far from finished. You still have that one thing I want, Jace and I'll have him. Nighty-night."
My heart pounded so hard, I thought it would burst out of my chest. The tears fell, like running water, I couldn't see. The adrenaline I felt the other day is back. That need for power, a release. I sat on the rooftop. Blade so tightly between my fingers, it drew blood. I looked up at the clear sky, closing my eyes.
I lay back on the roof, tears still in my eyes and regret in my heart. It draped over me like a blanket, with a heavy heart I sat up. I held my phone in my hand, the blade, dripping with fresh blood in the other. The text finally stopped. I was now at ease. I dialed Dylan's number.
"Hello." she answered.
"Dylan." I said softly. My voice was shaky, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to speak.
"Zoë, is everything okay? What's wrong?"
"I fucked up, Dylan. Bad." I said. I looked at the marks up and down my arm, raw and bleeding.
***
"I think we are ready." I said to the boys.
"We are." Louis said.
"Not bad for a short time of practicing." James said.
"Not bad at all." Nick agreed.
"I can't wait to see what the ladies have planned." Mattie said, running his hand through his hair.
"Speaking of the ladies, has anyone seen Zoë since they left?" I asked.
"No." James said.
"Shit." Louis said. "We are supposed to be watching her! Especially with the way she's been lately."
"She's not a kid, Lou." Mattie said. "She'll be fine for a few hours."
"That's easy for you to say." I mumbled.
"I know but you know the rules." Louis said. "I'll go check on her."
"Fine." I said.
***
I laid face down on my bed. I couldn't cry anymore. I just lie there, frozen and empty. I kept replaying our conversation in my head; it makes me feel worse and worse. I made Dylan cry, I'm so stupid.
"I fucked up, Dylan. Bad." I looked at the marks up and down my arm, raw and bleeding.
"Fucked up? What are you talking about?'
I couldn't go on, I just cried into the phone.
"Zoë, talk to me. What did you do?" She had worry in her voice.
I took a deep breath before going on. I know what I'm about to say will break her.
"Dylan, I...cut myself."
"What" Zoë, you didn't. You can't be serious!" She said, her voice cracking from the tears I knew she was holding back. "They'll send you away." She whispered.
I told her about the texts I got and how I couldn't control myself. She cried. That moment I will never forget, hearing my best friend cry and it being my fault. It made me feel even more horrible.
"I won't tell anyone." She finally said. "I promise."
That was all that was said, we spent an hour just crying together and now I'm here, feeling stupid. I don't know how I am going to tell the others. Maybe I need to be sent away; maybe it's for the best.
"Zoë?" Louis said, knocking softly on the door.
"Yeah?"
I turned toward the door and he entered.
"Are you okay?" He asked, sitting on the edge of my bed.
"No." I said, turning away from him. I couldn't bear to look him in the eyes.
"What's wrong?" He said softly.
I bit down on my lower lip, splitting it open again. I held back the tears I knew were going to break free. How can I tell him, it'll crush him too?
"Zoë..." He whispered. "Do I really need to ask?"
I shook my head. I lifted up the bandage on my arm so he could see the damage I had done. I looked at him; his sad blue eyes met mine. Those eyes that were bright with happiness a few minutes ago are now dull and lost, and it's all my fault.
"Why?" He said barely above a whisper.
Not saying anything I picked up my phone and handed it to him. He scrolled through the messages. He looked up at me, tears in his clouded blue eyes. Not saying anything else, he pulled me into his arms, where we both cried.
***
"How is she?" I asked.
"She was asleep." Louis said.
"Oh." I said, "You were up there a little long for someone who was asleep."
"I used the toilet." He said. "Let's go, Mattie."
"Um, okay." Mattie said, getting up. "See you tomorrow."
"See you."
After all the boys left I retreated to my room. I couldn't shake the feeling that Louis lied to me. He was hiding something from me, I knew it. I could feel it in my gut. He left way too quickly. I got up and quietly walked to Zoë's room. If she was asleep, I didn't want to wake her. I slowly opened the door and peered in. Zoë was indeed sound asleep. I walked in and stood by her bed and looked down on her. I softly moved a strand of hair out of her face. She looked so beautiful, peaceful. I kissed her forehead gently, she moved so I pulled away quickly. I turned to leave, only to see a flash of red. I stopped in my tracks. I looked down, removing the blanket from her arm. Her arm was bandaged and has been bleeding. A lump grew in my throat as I fell to the floor, silently sobbing.