"She said no!"
Upset, I stomped around the spacious room. It was decorated in earthy tones for a calming effect, but I felt none of that right now. What I felt was pure despair.
"I poured out all of my heart and she said no! I- what else am I supposed to do?!"
"Kiyoomi-san." My therapist's soothing voice echoed through the room. "Please sit down, your pacing is driving me up the wall."
I stopped but did not sit down. How could I when all these emotions were about to explode out of me. The last thing on my mind was sitting down.
"Please, sit down," she insisted again. Sighing, I acquiesced before dropping into the big brown leather chair.
"Happy?"
"It's best for you. It's true that when we're in motion, we come up with more ideas-"
"But it's only when our bodies are at rest that we can sort out our thoughts," I finished her sentence, for I had heard it often enough. "Yeah, yeah I know."
"Interesting," she muttered, which didn't bode well. Because an 'interesting' was always followed by the click of her pen. Rolling my eyes, I waited for her to make a statement, which she always transparently shared with me. "You know what's good for you but decide against it knowingly. Why do you think that is?"
It was a rhetorical question to which she already knew the answer but wanted to hear it from me again. By now I was cooperative enough to answer these questions, but not today. Today I was only concerned with one thing and if it didn't clear up soon, I would go crazy.
The lady in the chair across from me eyed me. She was probably in her mid-50s, married with four children. She hadn't told me that, the ring on her finger and the many photos in her office told me anyway. She made no secret of it and if I asked her, she would certainly tell me. However, I always had so much to say that my session was over before I could even think of asking about something like that.
"All right, I'll leave it at that," she waved it off. "Tell me why you're here today."
"She said no," I repeated. "Arisa said-"
"No." she finished my sentence. "I already know that much. What happened for you to be upset like this?"
I told her what she already knew. About my teamwork with Atsumu and Oikawa, about the flower field and the windmill, about my gift and my speech. Of my feelings and finally Arisa's answer.
"She said she already told me not to change for of her and that she thinks it's great that I'm in therapy, but not to do it because of her." I waited for a response from my therapist, however she looked at me silently. A prompt to continue speaking. "She said she wished she could believe me, but that she couldn't. Not after everything that's happened. And-" I had to swallow hard before taking a deep breath to continue speaking.
___
Her eyes filled with unshed tears, which she quickly tried to blink away.
"The fact that you like yourself better when you're with me makes me happier than is good for me," she confessed, "But unfortunately, I feel the absolute opposite."
It made no sense to me. I wanted to say something back, to ask her something, but my mouth was sealed by the pain in my chest.
"I've lost myself so much in you. Unlike you, I absolutely dislike how and who I am around you. I let you do everything to me and that's not really who I am. I didn't realize that until I got to Tokyo, when we hadn't had anything to do with each other for so long and I had the actual distance I needed from you." She took a shaky breath. "Three months ago, this probably would have been enough for me, this would have been everything I asked for but it's not anymore. Just like you, I need to work on myself. I don't think this is a good idea with the two of us. I need someone who won't try to bend me into what he wants me to be."
"But I don't want that."
"You don't?" She waved her hand around the room. "What part of this is coming from you? Only from you? What of this is just a single moment, nothing more?" She didn't sound accusing, more gentle, which somehow made it worse. "Every time you have a problem, you want to round up a whole posse to help you with your problem?"
That didn't go according to plan. To my surprise, she actually reached for my hand.
"Thank you for doing all this for me. Thank you for trying", she whispered. "I really appreciate it. It hurts me beyond belief, and I wish I could say something else, but my answer is no. It's what's best for both of us."
___
"Smart girl," was the only comment I got on my narrative.
My eyes narrowed to slits. "I didn't come here for you to praise Arisa."
"Then why did you come here Kiyoomi-san?" she asked firmly.
"Why did she say no? Why, when it seems to hurt her just as much? I did everything I could, and it still wasn't enough!" I felt miserable. For days I could barely sleep, barely eat. "And God," I moaned into my hands before sliding them over my hair. "I waisted my bet for a fucking 'date'!" I dropped the back of my head onto the back of the couch to look up at the ceiling. "I should have forced her to stay with me with that bet."
I heard the click of the pen, at which point my head snapped back. "I JUST THOUGHT OUT LOUD FOR GOD'S SAKE!" I tried to stop her from writing down what I had said.
"That's quite enough already. That's what you're here for. It's strange that when it comes to this girl, you forget every step of your program."
"I don't." I defended myself.
"Oh? What did we discuss about manipulating your fellow man, and especially manipulating this girl?"
Sighing, I gave up trying to answer. She was right, after all. When it came to Arisa, I was hopeless.
"To answer your question," she began. "Arisa is not my patient, so I don't have to analyze her, which even if I did, could never be 100% true, since I only see her from your perspective. However, since this is not a normal session, I will accommodate your request."
She glanced at the clock behind me. "It is half an hour after my office hours. Kiyoomi-san, my grandchild is celebrating his first birthday today, which means I'm speeding this up a bit now. Let me be honest with you for once, and not as your therapist, but as a mother of two daughters."
My eyebrows automatically rose. What did she mean by that?
She pulled off her glasses and leaned back. "I think you are extremely intelligent, but when it comes to this girl, you seemed to be dumb as a straw."
Shocked was no longer an expression for what I felt. She had never spoken to me like that before. I didn't even know if she was allowed to. But then again, she had just warned me.
"You tried to win her back with the help of her ex-boyfriend? Took his location and his tips and wonder why she said no? Be glad the girl didn't run out on you right then." I wanted to defend myself, to say something, but for the life of me I didn't know what.
"Honestly, I don't even know what you want me to say. Arisa has already explained everything to you. She's self-reflective and knows what's good for her and that's what she clearly explained to you. She is right in everything she says. How should she trust you after you demonstrated that you care for her, only to say that it was a waste. Why should she believe you now? Just like you, she also has feelings and a heart. She's not going to give it back to you lightly after she seems to have just picked herself up. She doesn't seem like the kind of girl you can wrap around your finger with nice gifts and empty words. You've broken her trust, created doubt that won't be pushed aside because of a present, sweet words and pretty flowers. You simply haven't earned her trust."
Despair spread through me. "What more can I possibly do?!"
"Be honest with yourself. As long as you still have a layer of the wall around you, you won't be able to get to her. In order to reach her, you'll have to beat your own demons first."
Even more than I already have?!
She seemed to interpret my expression correctly. "Yes, you already improved enormously, I don't want to minimize that at all, however, you know better than I what I mean by that. You have improved in almost every situation in life, only with her you remain stuck on the same point. Or have you already told her everything she needs to know?" she asked knowingly.
No, I didn't...
"Another girl," she raised her hand to stop me from interrupting her. "Out of the question, I know. You just want this one girl? Then you have to convince her of you. After all, you want her just for yourself and not to share with anyone else. Then win her over by yourself."
Saddened, I slumped down in the chair. That was easier said than done. I suck at this.
"Now tell me the true purpose of your being here." My teeth gritted under the pressure of my jaw.
"I don't suppose you asked me for an immediate emergency appointment to talk about an event that happened almost two years ago."
Sighing, I conceded defeat, even though I had tried to avoid the subject - which made no sense, of course, but what did make sense when it came to thinking about Arisa. We had already discussed what happened with between her and me so many times that my therapist deserves some credit for still being patient with me whenever I talk about the event.
"I'm so nervous, I can hardly sleep. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick," I explained my emotional state.
"What are you so nervous about?" she asked, although she already knows this answer as well. I already told her in my last session. And the session before.
Nevertheless, I answered her as if she heard it for the first time. "Because of the wedding."
She tapped the end of her pen against her clipboard. "And why does that make you feel nervous? Last time I checked; it wasn't your wedding."
My heart pounded harder against my chest, making me sick to my stomach.
"I will see her again and I don't know if I can do this."
I would see Arisa again for the first time in almost two years. At a wedding I didn't want to be at by any stretch of the imagination.
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Hope you enjoyed this (for my standards) short chapter! ❤️
It's more of a teaser lamo but It's the start of the final arc of this story so better prepare for all the events and emotions!! I'm so excited!!