Past the ocean-stream they went, past the white rock, past the portals of the sun and land of dreams, and soon they reached the field of asphodel, where spirits dwell, spectres of worn-out men. Here they came upon the spirit of Achilles, son of Peleus, and of Patroclus too.
This is the place where everything and nothing touch and all that we are is set free, spilling over our lines, bleeding out. Memories, thoughts, feelings, no longer contained by the borders of our bodies. Here is where life and death are old friends who meet for tea, and ask after one another's health. Here is where a boy with dark curls and stormy eyes stands in a garden somewhere in Scotland, tall grass tickling his kneecaps as he watches the clouds on the horizon.
His eyes close and he tilts his head up, basking in the light. The sun, usually distant and faded—a memory and nothing more—today, is bright and warm, placing gentle kisses on his cheeks, his hair, his shoulders.
"Okay I give up, what are you doing?"
Regulus's eyes snap open as he spins around. James Potter is leaning against one of the trees behind him, arms crossed over his chest, a smile hanging from the corner of his mouth, the sun glinting off his glasses. The messy haired boy squints up at the sky.
"No stars, so you're not talking to anyone. Sun tanning maybe? You'll have to take off a few more layers for that," he gives Regulus a wink.
"What?"
"I said—"
"No—shut up—I heard you."
James holds his hands up in surrender. "Hey, you asked."
"I meant—" Regulus cuts himself off, scrubbing at his eyes. "What are you doing here?" his voice shakes.
"Shamelessly ogling you."
"No—stop it—stop," he's shaking. "You can't be here."
"Reg," James's voice goes soft and it makes every part of Regulus—every thought and feeling and memory that makes him up—crumble to dust.
"No," he shakes his head. "Tell me this isn't—this isn't real. You can't be here."
"Reg," he sounds closer but Regulus can't open his eyes.
"I did the right thing," his voice wobbles.
"I know."
"You were supposed to be okay. I did the right thing, dangerous and stupid, but I did it so that you would be okay. You were supposed to be okay."
Regulus doesn't know how he can be struggling to breathe when he doesn't even have a pulse.
"Reg," in that same soft voice. "Look at me?"
"No."
"Please?"
"Go away. Please go away. Please don't be here. Don't be here. James you shouldn't be here. You were having a baby."
"Had him—well, Lily had him if we're being technical about it."
"This isn't funny."
"Reg," he sighs. "Please look at me?"
He doesn't want to. He really doesn't. So he has no idea why he does, but then, he's never been able to control himself with James. The garden comes back into focus, James's eyes colliding with his.
And his heart,
the one that doesn't beat anymore,
doesn't even exist really,
hiccup,
hiccup,
hiccups.
James offers him a gentle smile. "There you are."
Regulus is still shaking his head. "Just this once," his voice breaks, "I wanted to be the one to catch you."
If James is confused he doesn't show it, instead he opens his arms—an invitation. Regulus launches himself forward, surprised to find James so solid. So sturdy. So real. His fingers tangle in James's shirt. He's desperate not to let him go. Heartbroken he has him at all.
"I'm so proud of you," James whispers, kissing the top of Regulus's head. "You were so brave."
"It didn't matter."
"It mattered. Reg, of course it mattered."
A pained noise comes from Regulus's throat as he pulls James closer, like he wants to slip inside his skin. Maybe he can. He hasn't quite figured out the rules of this yet.
"If it had mattered you wouldn't be here."
There's a pause, James's hands running up and down his back. "It mattered," he says. "It mattered to me."
Regulus is sobbing. He doesn't care. He doesn't care anymore. He isn't even real. He isn't even him. He can cry.
"Regulus," James says softly.
"I don't want you to be dead," his words thick, spoken into James's chest. He isn't sure why it still hurts so much. "Fuck I don't want you to be dead."
"Yeah well, I'm not particularly thrilled about you being here either," and then; "You promised Reg."
That feels like a sucker punch, and Regulus actually has to pull back. Recovering from the hit. Finding James's eyes.
James Potter. Looking at him.
Looking.
Looking.
Looking.
It never stops feeling monumental.
"I meant it," Regulus finally manages. "I meant to come back. I swear I did."
Those words drift between them for a moment, setting down roots, growing vines that sneak up their legs, that slip between their ribs. James's hand slides up Regulus's neck, cupping his face.
"I love you."
I love you.
I love you.
Regulus's whole body reacts, quivering under the impact. Eyes fluttering closed.
"Je t'aime."
Since I was eleven.
James's lips press against his.
And he isn't even real.
Isn't even here.
Isn't even him.
But oh how he feels. Warmth filling him up, breaking him open, pulling him apart. It's too much. Too much. And not nearly enough. Everything that's been keeping him in falls away. Regulus is boundless, intertwining with James, the pair of them nothing but ash. Nothing but dust. Nothing but love.
Love.
Love.
The garden disappears.
"Hello?"
Lily steps into her childhood home, all the windows thrown wide open, curtains fluttering in the warm breeze. It's too bright to be able to see anything outside but white light. She pushes cautiously further into the house, vaguely aware of the distant sound of music.
"Hello?"
Two little girls run down the stairs and nearly bowl her over, laughing and giggling, their hair whipping behind them like capes. Lily tries to keep up with them but loses them down the corridor. The music growing louder.
Haven't felt like this, my dear
Since can't remember when
It's been a long, long time
Light slips through the cracks in the floors and the walls, leaking in like water. It makes everything sparkle and glow, Lily cutting through the beams as she makes her way into the kitchen and startles to a stop.
Her mum has her head tilted back, laughing as her dad twirls them around the room. The sun makes them look almost golden. She watches, letting the music swell, filling her up. They look young, her parents. Or maybe they just look happy.
Every few seconds, out of the corner of her eye, she swears she sees the two girls again. Giggling. Chasing one another. But as soon as she turns her head they're gone.
"Hello bug."
Lily's attention snaps back to her parents, they've stopped dancing, their gazes finally finding her.
She tries to speak, but when she opens her mouth nothing manages to come out. All her words failing her. There might be tears on her cheeks, she can't tell.
"Oh, darling."
The next second they're on either side of her, holding, hugging, kissing her temple, the top of her head.
"I've missed you so much," her voice a wreck.
"We've missed you too."
"It's alright. It's alright."
They fall into one another.
Swallowed by the light.
Regulus grips the broom tightly in his hands—doesn't know where it came from, where he came from, doesn't know where he is, but it hardly matters. He speeds through the air a little recklessly.
He's always loved going fast.
The wind whips the hair out of his face as he drops towards the ground, falling, falling, falling. And then, at the last second, pulling up.
A laugh tumbles out of his mouth before he can help it, his whole body singing. Which is why it takes a moment for him to realize that someone else is laughing too. And clapping. He looks down and finds his father beaming up at him. Orion's dark hair tied in a ponytail at the back of his head, his eyes twinkling as they follow Regulus's descent to the ground.
"Papa," he stumbles off his broom and towards a man he hasn't seen in years—strong and tall, his cheeks full, towering above Regulus.
"That was spectacular, mon chou. You are an artiste huh? An artist in the sky."
Regulus only shakes his head. "You're here."
"Oui, pour toi. Je veux te voir voler. Rien ne m'apporte plus de joie que de te voir dans le ciel, mon chéri."
His father reaches out for him, large hands gently holding either side of Regulus's face, his eyes wet. "I'm sorry I didn't visit," Regulus says in a small voice. "I didn't know how."
Orion only smiles, leaning down and kissing his forehead. "Plus de regrets, d'accord? Pas ici."
Regulus nods, swallowing. "Not here," he whispers in agreement, closing his eyes.
Lily laughs as James tickles her sides, the pair rolling around in the fourposter bed, curtains drawn, the only light coming from their lit wands that they've already lost somewhere in the sheets.
"Stop it! Stop!" Lily giggles, shoving and pushing at him. James must have thrown his glasses off at some point because he isn't wearing them now, hair a mess as he grins down at her.
"Or what?" he asks, voice husky. "What're you gonna do Evans?"
Lily smirks, their heavy breathing loud in the small space. "Wouldn't you like to know."
James's eyes dip down to her mouth a second before he takes it. And Lily opens for him, lets him in, swallows the groan that punches out of him when she arches her back.
"You remembered the silencing charm right?" James breathes against her lips.
"I thought you were casting it?"
"No I—" James's eyes go wide, darting to the curtains. "Shit."
Lily only laughs, and in one swift motion flips them over.
"Oof," James lets out as he lands on his back, Lily straddling his hips, running her hands along his arms and pinning them above his head.
"Well then," she whispers, dropping her face down so that their noses nearly touch. "Guess you'll just have to be quiet."
"How did I not know you snogged Gilderoy?" Marlene asks through a mouthful of crips. She's lying on her back on the floor of the girl's dormitory, Dorcas leaning against the bed beside her, Lily on top of it. Everything is a little fuzzy. A little soft. Like they're watching an old movie.
"It wasn't really a snog," Dorcas rolls her eyes. "More like..."
"A peck?" Lily offers helpfully.
Dorcas scrunches up her face. "More than a peck."
"You snogged him! Just admit it!"
Dorcas kicks Marlene who throws her crisps at her in retaliation, Lily laughing at them from above.
"It was just a kiss that's all," Dorcas says in a huff.
Marlene rolls her eyes. "Uh-huh."
"Shut-it McKinnon."
Marlene looks up at her, watches the way she bites her lip, trying to hold back a smile. Jutting her chin out defiantly Marlene replies; "Make me Meadowes."
They lie tangled up together, the Come and Go Room glowing around them. There's no mirror on the wall, the carvings on full display;
G & S
J & R
More than once James finds Regulus's eyes trailing over to them. Finds his own eyes trailing over to them. James lifts Regulus's hand to his mouth, kissing each of his fingertips, his knuckles, enjoying watching Regulus fight back a smile.
"You reckon anyone will ever find them?" he nods towards the initials.
Regulus looks at them thoughtfully, letting James turn over his hand, kissing his wrist, the spot where his pulse would be.
"Yes," he says finally. "We did, after all."
James hums against his skin. "Big gap between us and them," he still can't quite believe it was really Salazar and Godric who had this room before them.
"In another hundred years then," Regulus says. "There will be another pair of idiots."
"Speak for yourself, I'm well clever."
Regulus snorts despite his best efforts not to, putting his hand in James's face and shoving him away. "You're insufferable is what you are."
James grabs hold of Regulus's wrist yanking him on top of him. Chest to chest, nose to nose. Regulus holds himself up on his elbows, James staring at him. "You suffer me just fine," the older boy says finally. Quietly.
And Regulus can't help it, he kisses him. The corner of his mouth, the hinge of his jaw, the side of his neck. James holding still and letting him.
Regulus isn't surprised it took so long for this room to be found again.
It takes centuries to grow this kind of love.
The dining table in the Potter's cottage is covered in food and surrounded by people, music playing in the background. Lily Evans, Dorcas Meadowes and Marlene McKinnion all crowd around one corner, laughing and shouting. James sits beside Lily, his father across from him, Gideon and Fabian Prewett at the other end arguing over the bread rolls. There's an older couple too, a man and a woman, the woman baring a striking resemblance to Evans, almost certainly her mother.
Regulus stands at the back door, on the threshold, watching. Unable to make himself move. To shake the feeling that he doesn't belong here. James looks so at ease, so happy, sitting with the people he loves—Regulus doesn't want to ruin it. The truth is, the pair of them were always better in the dark. Meant for secret rooms and cupboards and hideaways. They could never stand-up to the scrutiny of the light of day.
"Are you waiting for an invitation?"
Regulus starts, turning to find a smirking Euphemia Potter leaning against the wall by the door. He opens his mouth but doesn't quite know what to say, something painful rocking through him.
"Because you can have one," she gestures towards the table when he doesn't speak. "He's been waiting for you."
Regulus's eyes go automatically to James who has just snatched something off of Lily Evan's plate, earning him a smack to the arm. Regulus stares, likely for too long, before looking back at Euphemia.
"Do you know?" he whispers, throat tight.
She tilts her head, eyes going soft. "I'm afraid there are many answers to that question."
Regulus nods, because she's right, and because it gives him a little more time before he has to speak again. "What I did," which probably isn't more helpful. He forces himself to look at her, somehow hold her gaze. "What I did to you?"
"Ah," she says knowingly. For a second neither of them speak and then: "You're quite talented, you know. It takes great skill to brew a potion that can get past Fleamont Potter."
Regulus hisses like he's just been burned, taking a step back. "I shouldn't be here."
Euphemia looks at him, eyes far too much like her son's for Regulus's comfort. "Do you want to be here?" she asks finally.
Another gut punch. "Yes," it's his dirty secret—wanting—he's supposed to know better than that.
"Well then," she offers her hand to Regulus who's so startled by the gesture that he actually takes it. "C'mon," she gives him a light tug but Regulus doesn't move.
"How can you—" that's all he manages to work into his mouth. Euphemia giving his hand a squeeze. Maybe she's a mindreader because she seems to know exactly what he means.
"I'm not in the habit of blaming children for the actions of adults."
But Regulus doesn't accept that, shaking his head. "I was eighteen."
Euphemia smiles sadly at him. "I know, you'd barely started," she looks over at the table. "None of you got much of a chance at all." For a moment the sadness on her face truly breaks his heart, but then she shakes it off, expression lighter when she turns back to him.
"You have a choice, to come in or to stay out. To face it or to runaway. You said you wanted to be here?"
"I do," Regulus says before he can stop himself.
Smiling slightly she leans forward, still holding his hand. "Then be brave Regulus Black. And come inside."
Which is how Regulus finds himself being lead through the Potter's dining room, finds himself sitting on James's other side, at a table full of people he knows he's wronged. He wants to run away. To hide. To pluck those memories out of him one by one. But he doesn't, and when James smiles at him it's almost worth it.
"Hi."
"Hi."
James's leg knocks against his under the table.
"I'm so happy you're finally here."
Regulus swallows. "Yeah," he manages. "Yeah me too."
Memories, and feelings, and thoughts, bumping into one another, struggling to find the light. To stay there. They crumble and rebuild, blurring the lines between one another. The past, the present, the hundreds of futures never touched, never given life, all thrumming through them. Alive. At once. And separately. And all of the time.
The sun and the stars and the storm.
Orbiting around one another.
Above. Below. Watching.
"It's sad," a voice in the void, "that we will never grow old together."
In and out of one another, leaving traces behind.
"But can't you see it? Don't you know?"
Warmth that bleeds into every corner of the universe.
"That oh from us, so much will grow."