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Also, TW: mention of sexual harassment.
*****
Colton:
Once Lily is done riding her high, I pull back and make my way up to her, but my shy little minx refuses to look me in the eye.
"Baby?" I frown a little, because I fucking hate it when she doesn't look at me. "Lily?"
Her eyes nervously meet mine and I'm glad they're as bright as day, the green in them shining a little stronger than the blue.
"You're definitely good at that." She declares shyly and I can't help the laugh that erupts out of my chest.
Only Lily can make me feel this happy, this normal, this fucking powerful.
I feel like a proud fucker as I grin at her, my hands travelling to her waist. I drop a few kisses to her chest just because I can and I don't want to miss the opportunity. I didn't know that was all she needed to get back to moaning for me. Her legs wrap around my torso and I push my hips against hers, my whole body aching for some kind of friction.
"Fuck, Lily, I want you so bad." I mumble against her neck and when she pulls my head up to look at me, I can already see her decision before she speaks it.
"I'm ready." She whispers and I freeze, because a part of me can't believe this might actually happen. "Are you?"
"I..." I trail off like an idiot, because I've never been fucking ready for anything more than I am right now to do this with Lily.
If I'm in control, if I'm the one in charge, I know for a goddamn fact that I won't panic if I do this with Lily. But I'm still nervous, because I don't know if she can handle that side of me. I don't remember much from the times I've had sex, but the little feedback I stayed behind to listen lets me know that I'm too rough, almost punishing. And my Lily is too fucking sweet for that. "Are you sure?"
"Yes." She doesn't hesitate to nod her head, my favorite blush adorning her freckled cheeks. "I want you too, Colton."
"Baby," Taking a deep, calming breath, I clear my throat and sit up. "We can wait."
Lily frowns, her eyes turning sadder by the second and she sits straight too, folding her legs beneath her. "I don't want to wait. But it sounds like you do."
I sigh regretfully. "It's not like that."
"It's okay." She is embarrassed when she moves her eyes around, her hand already reaching for my shirt. "You don't have to explain, really. I promised you that you're in control, Colton. We don't have to do anything more."
I frown at that, and then scowl when her body is hidden from eyes by that damn shirt. "Lily."
"It's fine. I promise." She gives me a small smile that doesn't reach her eyes, and I feel like a fucking dick when I see the pain in them. Before I could speak, Lily walks into the bathroom, leaving me to feel like a stupid asshole.
She doesn't understand. I don't want to fucking wait, I want to ravish her. So much that I'm scared and goddamn nervous, but I know I'm too fucking rough for someone so sweet.
Refusing to let the conversation end at that, I knock on the door. "Lily? Baby, Let me explain."
"I told you you don't have to." She sounds a little pissed off and I know that I've fucking ruined the moment. "I'll just take a quick shower."
I run my hands through my hair with a groan. "If you don't come out, I'm coming in."
I can hear her sigh through the door before she pulls it open. "Colton, it's fine. You made me feel amazing just a few minutes ago. I'm only sad that you didn't get to experience that too, that's all."
"Come here," I grab her hand and lead her to the bed again. "I wanna talk about this. Communication, remember?"
Lily bites her bottom lip, her eyebrows falling into a confused frown and when she looks at me the insecurity I see on her face tugs at my heart. "Am I supposed to approach this a different way? Wear something sexy and seduce you or something? I don't know how it works for you, Colton. Or anyone, really. If randomly announcing that I want us to take the next step, that I'm ready to do this with you, isn't the right way, then tell me what I'm supposed to do. Or at least don't make your decision until I speak with Ali about this. I'm sure there's a way I can make you feel safe enough with me. I can try to put on something nicer than this, sexier. I'll put on some make up too. I'll make it romantic."
"Stop fucking talking." My voice is stern enough that she immediately closes her mouth. "You're so goddamn beautiful that the very first time I saw you I got hard just by looking at you. And there's nothing sexier on the planet than you in my clothes. You don't need to do jack shit, baby. I already feel safe, and the memories are not what I'm worried about right now. I never wanna hear you doubting yourself like that again, okay? Fucking never, Lily, because you're more than perfect."
Her eyes find mine and I know she's confused. "What do you mean? If the memories are not what you're worried about, then what's holding you back? Are you not sure that you want me this way?"
I don't know why I never noticed that Lily might be as insecure as I am. With her history, her past, it makes sense, I realize. She has lived her whole life believing that she's not good enough. She wasn't good enough for her damn father as she believed, thinking that she just needed to try harder to make him love her. And when that backfired, she lived the rest of her life blaming herself for the hatred her mother felt towards her, once again believing that she just wasn't enough. She had no friends, no boyfriends, and no family.
So it only makes sense that she starts using her old habit once again, pointing the blaming finger at herself and automatically believing that she's just not enough for me to want her.
God, if only she knew how much I actually love her.
I'm gonna have to change that mindset, break that habit, and show her that she's too fucking good for everyone, not just me.
"Okay, let's just clear some facts first." I grab her soft, small hands into mine. "You have the right to know, to understand. I'm not hesitant because I don't want you. Fuck, I want you more than anything. I'm literally in pain right now, baby. You're so fucking beautiful and hot and you're all goddamn mine. I'm only hesitant because I... I don't want to be too rough that I ruin this."
A cute frown takes place between her eyebrows and she tilts her head to the side. "Why do you think you'll be too rough?"
Sighing, I shut my eyes and decide that she deserves to know. She has shared her darkest secrets with me, and I can't do this right if I still have secrets of my own.
"The orphanage I grew up in was managed by a married couple. The woman, our supposed health taker, was the worst type of person there could ever be. She used to touch me. Inappropriately."
Lily gasps and her beautiful face pales.
"I was just a fucking kid, barely ten years old, when she'd grab my dick or kiss down my chest. It made me fucking sick, but somehow pleasured her. I used to cry and scream and she'd hit me if I fought her too much. One time she tried to suck me off." I shudder at the awful memory that never seems to evaporate and Lily covers her mouth with her palm, her eyes blue and filled with water.
"I threw up on her and she slapped me so hard that I could taste blood in my mouth. I was almost fifteen at that time and I ran away a week after that. Her husband, the manager of the orphanage, never believed me when I tried to tell him and he'd just beat me up when I insisted. That's why I have a problem with anyone touching me, but you."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that." Lily whispers, a lone tear falling down her cheek that I quickly wipe.
"It's alright, baby." I caress her cheek. "I never thought I'd be normal again, but you shoved your way into my life and showed me that with you I could be anything I want to be. You make me feel so fucking strong. It's like I've never been broken to begin with."
She smiles, before grabbing my face, peppering it with soft pecks, and I chuckle at her sweetness. She pulls back and smiles at me, looking so fucking proud of me that I know I'm okay. That I'm fine. That as long as I have Lily, smiling at me like this, nothing in this life can hurt me again.
"The other problem, however, is that whenever I tried having sex, I'm told I get rough. Really rough. I don't even know why because I don't remember shit but I don't wanna be like that with you. At least not for the very first time, Lily."
Lily frowns, deep in thought for a minute, before she carefully moves those big eyes to me. "Do you... Do you want to have a drink first? To help you relax."
"Fuck, no." I scowl instantly. "I've quit drinking for good, baby. There's no way in fuck I would ever do that to you. And I don't want to do this with even a lick of alcohol in me. I wanna be able to feel every damn thing. I'm just worried, because I know it'll feel so fucking good that I might forget about how I need to be gentle and just..."
I shake my head because I know she gets it now when she frowns, biting her soft lip again. My words worried her too, because I know this is her first time and no one wants their virginity taken by someone who's too fucking rough.
Lily's eyes move around quickly, as if she's having a silent conversation before she nods her head and looks at me. "Let me ask you this. If we're in the middle of having sex and I tell you to stop, would you?"
My blood begins to boil. "Of course I would, Lily. I'd never touch you if you don't want me to, you know that."
"Even if you're enjoying it. You'd still stop?"
"You're starting to piss me off." I get off the bed and she's quick to follow. "I'm saying that I get rough, not fucking monstrous. I'm not going to fucking rape you. God, Lily."
"Calm down." She wraps her arms around me from behind. "I never doubted that. I just wanted you to see it the same way I do. Being rough isn't always a bad thing, I guess. And if you're too rough that it's not good for me I'll tell you to stop. And you will. And we'll shower, and cuddle for a while, and then try again."
My heart calms down a notch at that. That sounds simple.
I never thought I'd ever fucking be nervous of performing but here I am, worried as shit that I might not make this pleasurable for her.
"Darling, look at me." Lily steps back and I turn around to face her. She steps on her toes and grabs my face in her small hands, her soft smile making me sigh. "It's not a test that you'll either pass or fail. We're in this together, and together we'll make it work, if not right away, then eventually. If you do something I don't like I'll tell you, and if I do something to make you uncomfortable tell me instantly. Together we'll learn what we both like and what we don't. Besides, practice makes perfect, doesn't it? And we'll start our practice when the moment feels right."
She grins at me so goddamn beautifully that I feel like fucking crying. Because she has her own type of magic that she uses on me to make me okay. She knows how to silence my fucking demons, and I wish that I do the same for her. I can't fucking wait to tell her how deeply I've fallen in love with her.
I'm gonna fucking marry this woman one day, I swear it.
Silently, I wrap my arms around her figure and shove my face into her neck. She runs her fingers through my hair and I start peppering her neck with soft kisses. "You're perfect. Fuck, how are you so goddamn perfect?"
"Believe it or not, You're perfect too, Colton." She murmurs and I feel my heart ignite with a passion only for this woman, who actually believes every word she's saying.
She believes I'm perfect. How fucking lucky am I to have found this amazing woman who actually believes in me more than I could ever believe in myself?
"Darling?" She whispers.
"Hmm?" I'm not done breathing her addictive scent in just yet.
"I'm really hungry." She announces. "I still need to shower."
Filling my lungs one last time, I peck her lips and step back. "I'll make us some breakfast, baby. Go shower and when you come out just yell or something. Don't come into the kitchen, alright?"
Lily frowns.
"I don't want a repeat of yesterday." I explain because I don't think my heart can survive watching her so terrified of me again.
She sighs sadly before nodding her head.
******
And now we know what happened to our Colt. Who guessed it?
My poor babies are both broken, yet they find their strength in one another. That kind of love, people.
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