I'm back, and it's only going downhill. More angst and sadness coming up, because apparentley that's how I roll.
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Felix POV
Felix didn't want to show it, but Hyunjin ignoring him hurt him immensely. And the worst part was that he understood him. It was with no doubt Felix's fault and everyone knew that. Felix barely noticed the way his head spun and his whole body ached from the day before. He was so focused on Hyunjin that he more than once walked straight into the other members without noticing. He tried playing it off every time they complained, but he was hurting on the inside. Hyunjin didn't look at him. Even when their hands touched during the choreography, Hyunjin's gaze was empty and directed towards the mirror. Felix tried desperately to catch his eyes, but it was hopeless.
He longed for a break so he could go speak to him, but when Chan finally said the words, Hyunjin turned towards the door with such haste that Felix barely had time to see.
"Hyunjin!"
He ran towards him, even though his legs barely were able to hold him up at this point and he was heaving for breath.
Hyunjin didn't slow down. He turned the doorknob and was about to leave when Felix caught a hold on his wrist.
"Please, can we talk?" he asked, he voice barely more than a breathless whisper.
He instantly let go of the other as he turned, a look of pure anger and pain shining from his eyes. Felix felt fear run through his body at the sight and it instantly shut him up.
"What could you possibly say?" the taller dancer asked, staring down at him. "Nothing you could say would make me forgive you. I have done everything for you, taken months of abuse to help you and then you stab me in the back."
Felix felt hot tears tickle his cheeks and burn in his eyes. Hyunjin's words hurt unbearably, not just because of the anger they projected, but because they were true.
"I wasn't in my right mind" Felix whispered helplessly, but the words were barely out before Hyunjin shook his head.
"That's not a fucking excuse."
With that he left the room, slamming the door behind him.
Felix's held his breath, as if hoping that it would pause time. The air around him felt frozen cold and his legs shook violently under him.
Hyunjin was right. Felix not being good enough wasn't an excuse for him to worry others. Everyone one of the members had taken care of him for months now, and it was only a question of time before the rest of them would leave him as well. He had lost Hyunjin, but he wouldn't lose anyone else. Perhaps if he got better, if he got skinnier and less selfish, all in all a better idol, then Hyunjin would come back to him.
"Felix?"
Felix jumped when a warm hand carefully stroked his back. He knew the rest of the members were staring at him.
"Felix, are you alright?"
Felix took a deep, shivering breath before forcing his lips to stretch into a smile. He turned towards Chan, who was still stroking his back soothingly.
"Yes" he answered, trying to fight back the tears which burned him from the inside. "He is right. I get that he's mad. I hope he will forgive me at some point, but for now- I have some questions about the choreography."
He could feel their eyes on him and he placed himself in front of the mirror, shaking more violently than trees in a storm. He knew that they didn't believe the façade he had put on, but they would. Felix would make them believe, so Stray Kids could become one again. Felix had been eliminated once before- he would never go through that again.
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Felix felt like he was dying. There was no better way of explaining it. His stomach was twisting in on itself, eating away on the nothing it had been given for days. He felt colder than ever before, his lips and fingers beginning to turn blue and every time he turned his head the whole world was spinning. He felt awful, but it was nothing compared to the alternative of letting down every one of the members and getting kicked out of the group.
The others didn't seem to get it though. Even though Felix had done his best at keeping up a happy and carefree façade he knew the other's were looking right through it.
It was proven once again, only a few days after Hyunjin had stormed out the practise room when Minho had taken him by the hand and pulled him to the kitchen.
"I was actually just on my way to take a shower" Felix mumbled hastily, trying to get away when he noticed where they were going, but Minho didn't care.
Without a word, did he push him down on one of the chairs and shot him a glare, stating clearly he didn't want to make him sit down again, before opening the fridge. Felix watched him with a sinking heart as he pulled out ingredients for food he really didn't want to eat... or he actually really did- he was beyond starving, but he couldn't.
"Please Hyung" he begged silently, not liking the way his voice wobbled.
Minho ignored him, turning on the stove.
"We have a concert in a few days" Felix reminded him pleadingly, feeling his stomach twist in agony as the smell of oil and fried rice began filling the room.
"And wouldn't it be great if you lived to be there?" Minho asked drily.
Felix swallowed nervously. He watched Minho's back as he prepared the food. He hadn't truly talked with any of the members for days. It was like they had all been avoiding him. It had pleased him to some degree, because of the fact that he didn't have to pretend to be alright, but he missed them. He missed them all and he just wanted a hug. He knew there was one he wanted skinship with more than anyone, but he didn't allow himself to dwell on that.
Instead he chose to focus on the man in front of him who he had always found comfort in.
"Are you mad at me?"
Minho didn't turn to look at him. "No."
Felix nervously bit his lip. "You seem mad."
"I always seem mad."
"That's not true" Felix argued.
Minho was silent for a moment as he stirred the food. "I still love my cats even if they break something, but I do get irritated."
Felix blinked at the surprising comparison... but then again perhaps it wasn't so surprising coming from Minho.
"Soonie, Doongie and Dori" Felix said quietly, knowing how pleased the older got when the others remembered things about his three pets.
He was quite sure that he got a short glimpse of something remotely close to a smile when Minho reached for a plate, but he didn't answer as he transferred the food. His face was blank once again when he placed the plate on the table.
Felix looked down at the food with heavy heart. He felt tears burn behind his eyes at the sight. It looked so good. He wanted to lick the plate clean, but he shouldn't- he really shouldn't.
He looked up at Minho when the older sat down besides of him, much closer than he normally would. He placed a hand on Felix's thigh and stroked it lovingly.
"Eat."
Felix felt the first tear roll down his cheek. "Are you sure?"
Minho nodded without hesitation. "I won't think less of you, I promise. I want you to eat. You deserve it."
Felix wasn't sure if he believed him, but he looked genuine.
"You fainted twice doing practise today. We shouldn't even have to argue about it" Minho continued.
Felix felt shame colour his cheeks. It was embarrassing how bad he was at dieting. He was so damn weak.
His focus went back to the present when Minho's fingers squeezed carefully around his knee. "Eat" he repeated softly.
Felix nodded slowly, carefully gripping the chopsticks. He felt ashamed when he lifted the first bite towards his mouth. He felt Minho look at him. What if he was secretly judging him for not being able to be strong for STAY?
Felix lowered the chopsticks and met Minho's gaze. "Will you eat with me?"
Minho looked like he was thinking it through for a couple of seconds before nodding. Felix instantly missed his hand on his leg as he stood to get a pair of chopsticks as well.
It definitely made it easier. They ate slowly in silence. Felix fought with every bite, but every time he lifted the chopsticks, Minho did the same. It was some kind of a relief, and the food tasted better than he could have imagined. It took every ounce of willpower to not gulp everything down at once...
That was until a tall, slender person entered the kitchen. Felix almost dropped the bite he had lifted towards his lips as he met Hyunjin's gaze. The older dancer stopped dead in his tracks when he saw them. They had seen each other since that day in the training room, obviously since they lived and worked together, but it seemed to shock them both every time.
"Hyung" Hyunjin greeted Minho stiffly, going back to ignoring Felix, which seemed to be his chosen method.
Felix didn't even notice how he lowered his chopsticks to the plate as he watched Hyunjin open the fridge to get himself something to eat. He couldn't get himself to show how weak he was in front of him, not now. Even though Hyunjin probably didn't care anymore.
"Yongbok" Minho addressed him, pointing at the abandoned chopsticks.
Felix swallowed, pulling down in his sleeves. "I'm full."
He jumped when Hyunjin banged the fridge closed with a lot more force than necessary. He looked up at him, but he wasn't looking back. He was still preparing his food, but his movements showed his irritation clearly.
"I know you're not" Minho answered, trying to get the attention back to the food.
Felix jumped once more when Hyunjin banged a drawer closed.
"I am! I promise" he quickly mumbled, looking down at his hands.
Minho's fists clenched around the chopsticks as he shot an angry glare at Hyunjin. "Couldn't you have waited until we were done?"
"We both know that could have been hours" Hyunjin sneered back, not even bothering to look at them.
That was too much for Felix. He felt panic rise in his chest as he shakenly rose to his feet. He wanted far away from both of them, not to mention the damn food. He turned to run for the door, but Minho stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"Yongbok wait" he asked, but Hyunjin interrupted him
"Yes, you almost forgot..." he reached down in one of the drawers, pulling up one of the kitchen knives. "-do you want it sharpened or were you on your way out to find someone to get to hurt you again instead?"
Even Minho's shocked outburst of anger wasn't enough to drown out the painful thoughts the other's words brought over him. He felt smaller than ever, looking at his former boyfriend who was staring at him now with anger. Hyunjin had been his protector and the one to give him comfort, and now it seemed like his biggest wish was to get rid of him, one way or another. That thought brought a pain to him like Hyunjin had stabbed him with the knife he was holding still.
"Do you want me to?" he asked with a small voice.
Hyunjin gulped visibly and some of the anger faded from his eyes, but he still didn't back down. "I don't care Felix."
He placed the knife on the counter and strode out the kitchen without looking back, leaving Felix hurting and broken.
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Hyunjin is angry... but let's see if he won't forgive him at some point. I have no idea how and why, but I'm sure it will happen.
Thanks for reading!