CONSTANCE BANE
It was seven in the morning and I was currently standing outside Raine's apartment, banging on her apartment door as I let her know only 15 minutes ago that I was coming over after texting her last night.
✰ 25 minutes ago... ✰
My face was suffocating in something warm and soft. I found myself not breathing as well but I wanted to stay buried in his warmth as I burrowed myself closer into the space.
My nose was tucked against his side, my cheek pressed against the mattresses and his shirt as his arm was hanging across my upper back and shoulders.
I wasn't sure how we ended up in this position seeing as though we fell asleep normally, but something must have happened because I was up in a completely different dimension of the bed.
I wasn't complaining though, I wish I could stay here forever, not having to worry about anything ever in my life again.
Unfortunately, my brain wasn't wired that way.
Rolling over as carefully as I could until I was practically off the mattress and hanging off at the edge, Harry's arm finally dropped from my body and I heard him shuffle around with a quiet groan until he settled down again.
My Nokia that was laying on the bed stand had a bunch of notifications from Raine.
Raine (3:43am): Honey, we've already done this last year. U remember how that ended up goin'.
Raine (3:45am) : Constance? R U there?
Raine (3:49am) : c'mon lovely, u know damn well that i'll do anything 4 u but know better...
Raine (4:01am) : Fine.
✰ Present... ✰
And that's how I ended up getting ready in less than five minutes, only brushing my teeth and washing my face before I threw my jacket on top of my clothes that I fell asleep in and closed the front door of the house behind me.
Walking to Raine's apartment was, how I found out later, not the move because I ended up freezing my butt off by the time I got to her place, shaking and wishing that I could have waited to go during the day.
When Raine opened up the door, she looked tired and mad. She rubbed at her tired eyes with her hands and squinted them at me, pushing her messy blue-dyed hair that had fallen out of her braid away from her face.
She has some leftover mascara faintly smudged under her bottom eye lashes, but other than that, she looked great.
"You ruined my time with my girlfriend, you bitch." She opened the entrance to her apartment wider and turned sideways, letting me pass through the gap.
When the door closed behind her, I saw a woman standing at the end of the hall, by what I knew was Raine's bedroom, only a big Nirvana t-shirt on her body which came down to the tops of her thighs, and her pink and curly hair falling to her shoulders.
She has her arms crossed as her shoulder and hip leaned against the wall adjacent to that of the bedroom, but when she saw me, she waved a little at me with small smirk and before I could say anything, she disappeared into the room and said loudly enough for me to hear.
"Make sure you don't fall too hard for that shit, practically impossible stop and we wouldn't want that, do we?" Her voice sing-songed from the now closed bedroom, and I felt a pang travel through my chest as I knew what she was saying was true, but that I couldn't help myself.
I hated myself enough for this already. I knew what would happen if I went back deep again. I would have to do what Raine and my mom did to me a year ago.
Sent me to a fucking treatment facility.
Worst experience of my life, but what can I say...it worked. At least for a while because I'm back here.
Maybe it's selfish of me to be taking coke when one of the people that had helped me get out of the cycle, was the reason I was now taking it again.
But I could now confidently tell myself that I don't have the self-restraint that they praised me for when I finally got the approval for release.
Because when I got that baggie of the white powder, I felt an urge to just smile, or laugh, or jump around in circles which was utterly pathetic which is why I restrained myself from doing that.
I also didn't want Raine to think that I was absolutely mental and refuse me of this again because then that would become a problem.
When I slapped the money down on the table and mimicked a subtle and lazy salute as a goodbye, I turned around and she spoke to my back.
"Constance?" Her raspy morning voice called out to me and my body turned around to face her again.
"Yeah?"
"If this becomes a problem again..."
"I know, I know." I sighed and cleared my throat softly before rubbing my hand through my hair, letting fall back down. "I'll be stuck in a look-alike prison room for two months again, I get it."
"I'm serious. This is a fucked up way of showing my care for you, but I do. So don't let me regret it...again."
Her voice sounded a little pained and a twinge of pain stabbed at my heart but I decided to ignore it for my own well being.
"I- I won't, okay? Happy? I'm handling this well, I have control over myself Raine, I'm not 19 anymore." I spewed out as I felt my anger increase at the pitying look that had started to appear on her face.
Her hands lifting up in front of her at my defensive tone which I felt bad for but I couldn't really bring myself to care a lot at that point.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I have to go." I trailed off and without waiting for a response, I walked over to her front door, opening it up after hiding the coke in the pocket of my jacket and left, softly closing the door behind me.
The streets were quiet and empty, only a few people already out and opening up their stores and local café shops that I haven't been to yet.
The fog was covering up quite a bit of the roads making it hard to see far, but I loved it.
This is what I imagined Halloween to feel like, only instead of flowers starting to slowly bloom like it did towards the end of March, the leaves would turn orange and yellow and would fall off.
I always imagined how fun it would be to have a Halloween night but my mom would never let my dad and I celebrate, saying that it was the 'Devil's Day' and that it was unacceptable. Only then when I started living alone when I turned 18, I was way too preoccupied with other matters and also the fact that I had no friends, in order to celebrate Halloween.
Maybe this year would be my lucky year.
This was my favorite part of day. When everyone was doing their own thing, not bothering anyone else, while it was quiet and the air was fresh. No big bundles of cars in sight who honked at each other or created the awful smell around the city.
When passing the movie rental shop, I looked at the sign which was flipped to 'open' and saw that Mr. Mint was already in, talking to a person who was taking a movie out of his hands.
Feeling myself brighten up at the thought of getting myself a good movie to watch for tonight, I pushed the door open, the bell jingling against the door which made Mr. Mint's head jerk up and when he saw who it was, a small smile appearing through the cigarette that he was holding in his mouth.
Finishing up the conversation with the man up at the counter, he called me over, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and smushing it into his tray, leaving it in there with a pile of other old cigarettes that looked like they have been laying there for a while.
Placing both my palms against the counter in front of me, a small smile appeared on my lips in return.
"Mornin' Mr. Mint, any good movies you might suggest for me?"
"Young lady." He used that as his greeting and walked out behind the counter and towards the left side of the room where they kept on the movies. "What category are you lookin' for?"
At his question, my tired eyes started scanning the different genres that they had separated the movies into, seeing a lot of comedy and romance and then a bunch of thriller and horror which, even if I wanted Halloween to come sooner than later, I wasn't up for watching scary movies this early on. So, the obvious choice was a romantic comedy movie, because there's nothing better than having a good laugh while also having your heart shattered by the thought that you'll never have a love like they show in the movies.
"How 'bout a mix of romance and comedy. Gimme the best seller, or best...renter? Most rented." I finished with, feeling a little out of it and I felt bad that this poor man had to endure my hungover self. It was not good.
When I finally got back to the house with a movie in hand, Harry was sitting on the hallway floor near the doorway, his back against the wall reading Pride and Prejudice with a frown on his face.
When he heard the door open and shut, his head whipped over, his curly hair messy, looking like he didn't do anything to it after he woke up which made him look even hotter but somehow also cute, and he immediately jumped up to his sock-covered feet and stalked over to me as I was closing the door behind me.
Before I even had a chance to fully slam the door shut, Harry's hand, which he placed beside my head on the light blue wooden door, slammed it for me as his whole body hovered over mine, his eyebrows coming together and a angry spark appearing in his eyes.
His eyes, even when angry, were beautiful and they didn't leave my own, staring deep into them until I couldn't handle the tension anymore and averted my eyes to look at his shoulder, quickly wetting my dry lips from the cold.
He stayed in the same position as I felt his eyes still sending angry glares towards me, his comforting scent of warm citrus enveloped me in him when his head dropped down to my shoulder and his arm that was hanging by his side, wrapped around my waist and brought me closer to him.
His other hand that was previously against the door, wrapped over my shoulders as he cupped the back of my head and sucked a deep breath in through his nose, feeling his long eyelashes flutter against the sensitive side of my neck as I melted into his hold, reveling in the silence and just being around him.
I wasn't sure what prompted this reaction, or even why he was being so affectionate with me when he wasn't necessarily like this with me. Ever. But I didn't question it right now because even though it seemed like he was really needing this which I was happy to give to him, I also realized that I was severely craving this myself. And not just from anyone. But from him.
A minute passed, then two, then three. And what I think was the fourth minute, I felt Harry jump away from me with a wince and look down at the bottom of his leg, only to see Peanut and Pepper attached to the front and back of his leg, their claws digging in through the thin material of his plaid green pants which were now being slowly pulled down by kittens, exposing his V-line and the ferns that were tattooed on either side of his hip bones.
When he started struggling with trying to detach them from his leg as softly as possible, Harry's soft hair falling in front of his face making this 10x harder than what it needed to be making me softly laugh at his struggle, his eyes looked up to me as he was still bent over at the waist, one black kitten in hand as the other one was being stubborn and not wanting to let go.
"Y'know, instead of ogling me, you could help me out a little. Would be appreciated."
"Ogling?" I feigned a gasp and pressed my palm against my chest and rounded my eyes. "Never. So crude of you to even insinuate that."
But when Harry actually hissed in pain, I quickly placed the rented movie that I got onto the table that we had at the entrance of the house and then rushed back over to him, crouching down in front of him as I gently enveloped my hand around Pepper's body, lifting her up from her tummy and then slowly detaching her claws from Harry's pants, seeing some small drops of blood seep through the green material.
Placing Pepper down with a soft kiss to her head, I lifted Harry's pants up until I came eye-to-eye with the scratch that was deep enough to cause blood. It didn't look bad, but it would need to be disinfected just in case, not wanting any infections.
We knew the lady told us that they both had their vaccinations done, but we have yet to find a vet for them, so I wouldn't be taking any risks when it came to this.
When I came back up, coming face to face with with his chin, his hand came under my chin to lift my face up so I was looking at him. His eyes were worried and I felt bad already.
"Why were you out at 6 in the fucking morning, C? I thought something had happened!" His voice was hard but full of worry as his hand gripped both the sides of my jaw and forced me to keep eye contact with him.
"Look, I'm sorry-." But he didn't let me finish, interrupting me mid-sentence as he continued becoming more angry with my indifference that I was trying to put on.
"I don't need your sorry, I need to know that you're safe! I wake up, you're not here? There's a crazy stalker walking around, what do you want me to think, huh? Especially this early in morning. What else did you want me to think? That you went on a cute little walk because I know you wouldn't do that hungover." His breathing sped up and I could see the red covering his cheeks from the his anger that was slowly overcoming him with every second that passed.
My shoulders sunk with the realization that even though I thought that I wasn't doing anything wrong by going out, I didn't realize that Harry would be the one left worried. Especially since I didn't even let him know or left a note. I just...disappeared in the crack ass of dawn without a trace.
What if something had happened to me? I didn't even think about that when I was leaving the house. I was just focused on my end destination which was so fucking stupid and selfish of me to do and I started to feel really bad.
Putting my hand against his chest, I could feel his fast heartbeat against the palm of my hand and I bunched up his cotton-grey long-sleeve shirt in my hand, bringing his rambling to a stop and his attention back on me.
Speaking slowly, I practically enunciated every single word with a tug to his shirt, trying to get my words to pass through to him.
"I. Understand. Okay? I understand. I just- I needed to get some fresh air. And I got a movie for tonight? It's a good one, you'll like it." I softly smacked his chest when I let go of his shirt and I saw his face lose a few of those angry lines that were making an appearance just a few moments ago.
"No. I won't like it."
"How d'you know? It's a staple, a rom-com."
"No."
"Come on, don't you wanna know what I got?" I insisted, trying to lift up his mood, placing one of my hands on his waist as I practically begged him with puppy eyes.
They never worked but who knew. Maybe he'd fall for it.
"I hate romantic movie and I hate comedy movies, both of those together? A shit movie." He grumbled under his breath and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"A negative times a negative equals a positive. The way I see it, you're," I poked my pointer finger into his chest, "are gonna love it."
"I won't unless you make French Toast with me tonight. Then possibly," he gave me a side-eye and kissed his teeth loudly, "I'll like it. Maybe."
"I won't be saying no to that." I shrugged my shoulder with a happy smile as Harry turned around, his back turning toward me and when his stretched his hands up above him with a big yawn, this time, a strip of his lower back revealed itself to me and I smirked, imagining a tattoo right smack in the center of his lower back.
That would look hot as fuck.
Shaking my head to get rid of these thoughts that I definitely shouldn't be having this early in the morning, I walked after him into the kitchen, the smell of bacon and eggs hitting my nose.
"Good, 'cause I already made breakfast hoping you weren't lying dead somewhere." He carried two plates in his hands, handing one over to me which was filled with bacon, eggs, canned beans, toast, and tomatoes.
Looking up at him, I pointed at the canned beans and lifted an eyebrow.
"You really went full British on this, huh?"
"Wasn't really going for that." He pushed at my back a little to get me moving out of the kitchen and steered into the hallway and to the living room, sitting us down on the couch.
Crossing my legs into a pretzel, I grabbed the fork that was already laying in the plate and stabbed it into the eggs, breaking them up into smaller pieces so that I could bring them up to my mouth as a bite-sized piece instead of having to stuff my face full of a fried egg.
"Beans on toast is just a good combo. Try it." He said as he was in the middle of bringing his own triangle-cut bread loaded with the beans on top to his mouth, taking a bite out of it as he let out a small moan at the taste.
"Really?" Surprise escaped into my voice as I looked at how much he was enjoying his food. "Is it actually that good?"
"Mmm...sure." He shrugged his shoulder and I pursed my lips at his vague answer. "So, are you gonna tell me where you went or are we gonna pretend that you only went for that movie?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Your walk?" He snorted and looked at me weirdly. "Did you really wake up to get a movie instead of staying in on a Sunday morning in bed? Who does that?"
"Me? I guess..."
"Wrong. A weird person. Does that make you weird?"
Sucking my bottom lip into my mouth, I bit into it as I furrowed my eyebrows and thought about how this conversation took a turn I wasn't expecting.
"Sure, Harry. Weird is definitely one word to describe me as."
"I have plenty of words to describe you as." He assured me and patted my knee, surprisingly not commenting on the fact that I was still wearing last nights clothes.
"Is this the point where I start sobbing a puddle or where you start flattering me until I melt into one?" I clarified, preparing myself for the hit.
"Uh...both. Definitely...both, in a way. A good way." He cleared his throat and started searching for the TV remote that ended up being underneath him, pressing the red button to turn on the screen and proceeded to spend the next two minutes searching for a channel that he found decent enough to watch, turning the volume to the lowest setting.
Before he was able to open up his mouth to say anything more, Lela popped into the living room, her hands rubbing at her tired eyes and her red hair sticking out in all sorts of directions before letting out a big yawn.
"Morning." She groaned and flopped down on the empty couch that was closer to her.
We didn't even had any time to respond to she as her eyes closed back up and I wasn't sure if she went back to sleep again or if she just wanted some peace and quiet when her head dropped back against the couch, exposing her throat.
That was until her lazy voice spoke up into the air, and I wish she hadn't said anything because that was probably one of the worst ways to start my morning.
"I found a letter stuck to the door of the back porch, it's in the kitchen." She yawned again, her eyes staying closed as I exchanged worried looks with Harry who, at the word 'letter', already had his shoulders sagged and his hand running through his hair, noticing that it was something that he would do when he was nervous or worried about something.
Grabbing my half-eaten plate up with me, I uncrossed my legs and stood up from my seat, walking quickly to the kitchen as I heard Harry walking right behind me as my pace increased until I was placing the plate onto the table which rattled with my carelessness and walked over to the black envelope with gold lettering written on the front of it that was standing out against everything else in the kitchen.
Roughly ripping the paper open, I felt Harry leaning over my shoulder as he looked after what I was doing, and when I looked inside, surprise surprise, another damn letter with a small picture attached to it.
Only this time, the picture was portrait sized and flipped over so the back of the picture was the first thing that I was seeing, the actual image facing the paper of the letter.
Taking the letter out and throwing the black envelope to the side, not caring much about it, I unclipped the picture and immediately flipped it over towards me. The moment I saw what it was, I felt my hand slap over my mouth and Harry's breathing halt from behind me as his whole body tensed against mine.
My eyes went round, not knowing what to say or do as I continued staring at the image, my hand starting to tremble with my nerves and worry.
It was my mom, asleep in her hospital bed with an IV injected into her arm that wasn't ever there when I was visiting her prior, a black-gloved hand fixing the IV in the picture.
Only a date was written in small numbers at the top. The same exact fucking date that she died.
Suppressing the tears that were ready to burst out of my eyes, I placed the picture onto the counter upside down, just in case someone were to come in, and unfolded the letter three times.
In small, golden letters, three lines were written addressed to just me.
Why don't you start worrying more about how your mother died instead of having fun with your new boy-toy. We all know you're going to let him go once you're bored of him. It's already happened before, hasn't it, Constance?
And that's when I scoffed. I had no better reaction other than to scoff and roll my eyes at this little note that they had written. As if this bitch didn't have anything else to do other than write high-school styles letters about who's my new 'boy-toy.'
But the picture is the only thing that actually made this real to me. The only thing that made my heartbeat go faster and that let me know that this was reality. It wasn't just someone messing with me. Someone had purposefully killed my mom. I knew it wasn't the cancer, that much was obvious. But to this extent?
I lost my mom because of one stupid person that was playing life and death like it was a dollhouse. As though life didn't have any value and that it didn't mean anything to them. She is, was, my mom. I lost her earlier than I should have because of this and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.
I felt like I was living in a parallel universe where everything was going wrong. I felt like someone else was living in my body because it didn't feel like my life. I just wanted to wake up from this bad dream. Whenever I thought that it couldn't get worse, I was wrong. It could. And I finally felt like I've hit rock bottom. I couldn't do this.
Turning myself around, a loud sob escaped from the depths of my chest, painful and burning, but I couldn't stop it. I buried my face into the crook of Harry's neck as his hands immediately burrowed into my hair and waist, stroking my soothingly and talking softly into my ear.
The ringing wouldn't stop so I couldn't hear anything that he was saying and it was getting harder to breathe by the second. The burning in my throat begged me to take a breather, to stop crying and let me rest, but the ache in my heart and the voice in my brain telling me that something was wrong and that I couldn't stop crying, didn't let me. I balled the material of his shirt that had already endured so much back into my hands and I felt my tears and snot that was practically dripping from my nose, wet the material at his shoulder but his soothing administrations didn't stop.
His fingers continued caressing my hair and the side of my face that he could reach. Running my back with soothing movements, trying to get my breathing to come down as I felt the urge to throw up come closer and closer which I was desperately trying to avoid. That would probably send me into a panic that I wouldn't be able to get out of and the ambulance would probably have to be called due to the lack of air that would be getting into my lungs.
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong, H. I'm so fucking desperate to get everything right, I try to be nice and do good things, I tried to be a good daughter but nothing works." A breath hitched in my throat and I started coughing until another sob tore through my throat and I sniffled, wiping my tears against his already wet shirt. "I can't do this, I don't know what to do."
The whole time he stayed silent, letting me talk and speak my feelings out loud even though he knew that I wasn't looking for answers right now. I just needed to tell this to someone or else I would have gone insane.
Which was the aftermath of this crying session.
I felt empty and lost and I didn't know what to do. Harry practically carried me up the stairs and straight into his bedroom, laying me down under and covers, changing me into one of his big band t-shirts and some sweatpants that were a little too big on me but were comfy, and locking the door behind him, he laid down next to me and wrapped me up in his arms as I burrowed as close as I could into his body.
The third time I woke up, he was already there, standing next to my side of the bed, placing a plate of food onto the bedside table before taking the movie that I rented and inserting it into the player, the movie loading before he paused it and climbed back into bed.
"Eat, it's already so late and you haven't eaten the last time you woke up." He dragged the pillow from under my body and placed it against the headboard, ushering me up and placing the plate of food down on my covered lap.
When he saw me stab into a green bean and bring it up to my mouth, he hummed in delight and brought his own plate of the same food in front of him, and then with the remote, he pressed play which is when The Princess Diaries started playing and even though I still felt that burn from the amount of crying that I had done and still had the urge to do, a small involuntary smile appeared on my lips.
No matter how many times I will watch this movie or however awful I am feeling, this will always bring me some kind of joy. Even if it's just for those two hours of the movie.
When Harry saw my smile, he tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and his soft, British accent sounded through the room, easing me more than I thought it would. "There she is."
The rest of the night was spent watching the movie and laying down in his arms, finding a lot of comfort in them which was odd, but nice.
He also made a trip downstairs halfway through the movie, bringing some cookies and an ice-cream box with him, carrying two big spoons on top as he tried to balance everything so it wouldn't drop.
And that's how I fell asleep that night as well. Scooped up in his arms, his comforting smell, and the possible hope that maybe he'd stay this time. Maybe he wouldn't go back to Ezra because I already knew that after all of this, that would be the cherry on top that would tip me over. Especially after his words last night.
a/n: Poor Constance can't catch a break. Don't worry, she'll be getting it soon enough. We need this painful part to be over so we can continue.