It was early in the morning, the sun is barely starting to shine over the mountains. Bodhi's sitting next to our window with his hair perfectly gelded back and a glass of vodka laced between his bruised knuckles, he did not react as he swallowed a huge gulp of the burning substance.
He can't look me in the eye, he's been avoiding even standing next to me. He placed the glass down on the table before standing up, he buttoned his suit while reaching his hand out toward me. My hand touched his, there was no spark but misery.
"Let's just make this quick." He said.
I didn't reply, there was nothing to say without crying.
We walked downstairs, my stomach was turning and making me feel even more ill. Everyone is sitting with many breakfast plates in the center of the table, from the corner of my eyes I immediately saw him. I couldn't look him in the eye because if I did the truth would come out and it hurt him way more than it's ever hurt me, I care more about his feelings than mine.
"Is something wrong, honey?" Audrey says, she directed her sentence to her son.
"Nothing is wrong, we just have really good news to share." He replied, he brought my hand to his chest almost making me vomit.
"What is it?" Kaz said, his voice sounded empty and my body secretly responded.
My eyes remained on the floor but I could feel his drilling holes inside my body, my other hand laid flat against my thigh with my thumb digging inside my skin. Bodhi stood up a little straighter, his shoulders grew broader almost trying to seem bigger.
"Tonight we're having our rehearsal dinner and tomorrow, we're having our wedding." Bodhi said, very clearly.
My eyes finally managed to look up at him, and all the oxygen in my body disappeared immediately. His jaw was clenched and his body language said all it needed to say, he was hurt. He slowly lowered his glass of water, he didn't look anywhere else but at me.
"That's very short notice." His mom said.
"Make it happen." He says very slowly and precisely, his eyes remaining on his dad.
"Don't speak to your mother like that." Kaz snapped, angrily.
Bodhi chuckled, his other hand running across his chin. My brother watched carefully not knowing where this is going, he took a sip of his orange juice with a concern face expression.
"Or what? What more can you do to hurt me?"
My body grew smaller, I wanted to crawl into a hole and never return. That feeling you get when your stomach drops and feels empty, and hurts because of how hollow it feels. Kaz's demeanor changed almost immediately after hearing the words pour from his mouth, his eyes softened when they met his son's.
"What are you talking about?" Audrey asked, she sounded confused. "Your father has never even lifted a finger at you."
"It's nothing." Bodhi cleared his throat, he dropped my hand and my body gravitated back just a little.
"No, tell me." She snapped.
"He said it was nothing." Kaz said, very quietly. "Just drop it."
Audrey didn't reply, she looked over at me and my eyes shamelessly fell to the floor. There's no way she didn't catch on to that, there's no doubt in my mind she's blaming me for all of this and I wouldn't hate her for it.
Bodhi grabbed the bottle of champagne in the middle of the table. "Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go drink this entire bottle and get ready to rehearse the best day of my fucking life." He said while forcing the fakest smile ever and walking away, my eyes followed him till he disappeared completely.
My eyes fluttered back to the table, I was awkwardly standing there with nothing but shame and guilt. Kaz was the only comfort I have, and I wanted so badly to bury my head in his chest just to feel some sort of relief. He was staring at me with a look of confusion, of betrayal, and unfortunately, I could read the hurt off his face.
"I need to go call the wedding planner." Audrey says before pushing her chair and standing up with her phone in hand.
Silence filled the air, everyone just stared at each other.
"I guess I'll go get dress." My mom whispered, everyone nodded in agreement except for Kaz.
They started standing up and leaving behind their plates that were filled with food, my thumb was rubbing against the material of my shirt. I wanted to cry, no, I am going to cry if he doesn't stop staring at me like that. Jules stood in front of me blocking my view and snapping me back to reality, my chest was starting to move up and down rapidly as I silently panicked over the unknown.
Her hand touched my shoulder, my brother watched our interaction from the door. My eyes snapped to hers, I must've looked so lost and defeated.
"Get me out of here." I mumbled under my breath, tears gathered around my eyes.
She watched me carefully while nodding her head quickly, her arm stretched behind my back while embracing me slightly. "Come on." She whispered inside my ear, my body shaking.
I followed without looking back at him one last time, I physically and mentally couldn't anymore. I caused this, not only did I hurt the man I'm in love with but I also hurt the person I love and I've ruined their relationship beyond repair.
My brother and Jules took me to their room, my hand was placed against my chest trying to slow down my breathing but it wasn't working. The door closed and tears started rolling down my cheeks, my mouth opened trying to inhale some sort of oxygen.
"I can't breathe." I said while gasping for air, this is what my anxiety attacks typically look like.
My brother lifted my chin forcing me to look at him, his eyes were filled with concern. "Look at me, you're okay." He whispered. "I'm not going to let anyone or anything hurt you, I would never allow that."
I pushed his hand away, and my legs paced around the room while trying to control myself. "Bodhi knows, he knows everything." I cried.
"You agreed to still marry him." My brother says, clearly confused.
I shake my head. "I didn't agree to nothing, he's blackmailing me."
His jaw tightened so did his fist, Jules quietly grabbed his bicep with her thumb stroking his skin.
"What is he blackmailing you with?" She asked.
"The only person he knows I would never betray." I wiped my watery nose, her eyes followed mine revealing the person.
"Me? He's blackmailing you with me?"
"Yes." I chirped. "He swore to me that he would have you behind bars in a matter of seconds, you wouldn't just be going away for a little."
Jules shakes her head slightly in pure disbelief, she looked upset and worried.
"So fucking be it." He said, angrily.
Her fingers dug inside his skin stopping him from leaving, her eyes were starting to water. "Enzo, you'll never see him again."
It hurt watching this, she wasn't thinking about herself nor was she being selfish, she was thinking about her child growing up without a dad.
"He has no proof." He replied.
"He'll make the proof." I said.
"Then we'll go to Kaz, I'm not letting you ruin your life for me again."
I shake my head. "It'll hurt him even more, that's his son."
"He's already hurting, Preciosa." (Translation: Precious)
"No you don't understand, he'll never love me more than he loves his child." I said. "Losing a child hurts way more than a minor heartbreak."
"What about you?" He asked with his eyes softened. "You'll never be happy."
"I'm used to it, I'll be okay." I whispered. "I'll grow to love him, eventually." Lies, I just needed them to believe it.
It was quiet, I know my brother was trying to come up with a better solution but he knows, I know that there's nothing else we could do but accept it and try to move on.
"Let's just act as if nothing happened, I'm in love with Bodhi." I said, my hands swiping across my cheeks drying them.
"Talitha, I can't-"
"You will, for your son." I rushed out, his hand combed through his hair. "When we were younger, and you'd protect me, at night when I would cry because I felt so guilty, what would you tell me?"
He lifted his head, his eyes were bloodshot. He walked closer to me, his hand touched my cheek like he did those nights. He stared at me with nothing but love, and so did I.
"What is love without sacrifice, an ocean without water." He whispered, his voice sounding shaky reliving those scary moments that haunt both of us for the longest time.
"You taught me that."
"This is different." He said.
"No, it's not. The only difference is that I'm protecting you and my nephew." I replied.
His mouth closed and his head slowly nods, he dragged me inside his arms placing his chin above my head. I exhaled very shakily against his chest, he's my brother and I'm always going to pick him no matter what.
•
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