As promised, Damon ordered a selection of finger food for our dinner that we ate in the movie room, and I didn't move from my spot between Nick and Alex. I didn't want to move away from either of them. Nick, because he rescued me, killing somebody for me, and therefore made me feel safe; and Alex just because he was comfy. He had his arm around me and tucked me into his side all night long, letting me use him as a pillow to snuggle against. Alex was huge - the biggest of all my brothers - and his cuddles were almost as good as Jack's. But because he was bigger, he made me feel more secure.
As it got later, I did my best to fight off sleep. I yawned tiredly, rubbing my eyes, fighting to stay awake. I didn't want to sleep. I knew if I did, I would be alone in my bedroom, and that thought absolutely terrified me. Far from being the safe place my bedroom had always been, now it was the place of my worst nightmares. Despite how horrific my years with my mother and her nasty boyfriends had been, I hadn't endured attempted rape with them. Their abuse of me had been physical, mainly. Along with neglect and emotional abuse. But sexually, I'd been safe. Now, I wasn't. Now, my nice soft, warm bed wasn't calling to me. The LED strip lights circling the top of my wall up high near the ceiling didn't glow welcomingly as they had before. Now, they were a reminder of my attacker.
So I fought sleep.
I sat up straight, stiffly, no longer leaning on Alex.
I put my fingers in my mouth, biting down on the knuckles so hard I'm surprised I didn't draw blood.
I opened my eyes wide, refusing to let myself even blink for fear I wouldn't open them again.
I refused to let myself relax and watch the movie. Instead, I sat tense, telling myself over and over again that I had to stay awake.
Unfortunately, it didn't work. Damon noticed my weariness.
"Lean against Alex or Nick and go to sleep, Carrie-girl. You're safe here. I'll carry you up later," he said.
But I shook my head furiously. "I don't want to be alone," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
"You won't be alone," Damon said. "We'll all be upstairs with you. I won't carry you up until there's someone else up there too. I promise."
But still, I shook my head.
"Don't want to," I mumbled. "I'm not tired."
Beside me, Nick chuckled. "Sure you're not, little sis." He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in close, lifting me up to sit on his lap. Then he leaned down and whispered in my ear. "My bedroom is right across the hall from yours. Our doorways are opposite. I'll leave my door open, and yours too, then if you so much as whisper during the night, I'll hear you and I'll come. Okay?"
"No," I whispered back fiercely. "No, I'm not tired."
"You're exhausted, little sis."
"No." I shook my head, and fought to get away, but Nick held me securely. It was like he didn't even notice my struggles.
"Stay here," he said. "You've been snuggling with Alex for ages, now it's my turn."
Defeated, I nodded. "Okay. But can I lie down on the couch and put my head on you? Because sitting like this hurts my butt." I felt my face color as I said those last words, and Logan's smirk didn't go unnoticed. Jack noticed it too, because he gave Logan a glare that would have made the average person wither on the spot, and Logan looked a bit sheepish.
"Sorry," he mouthed to me.
"You need a smack upside the head," I grumbled, glaring at Logan.
"Shush, you," Nick said, letting go of me, helping me to lie down on the couch on my side, with my head resting on his lap. His muscular thighs made a good pillow, and his hand traced gentle circles on my head and cheek, soothing me. My legs rested on Alex and he lay his hands on my knees reassuringly.
Despite my best efforts, it didn't take long for my heavy eyelids to close, and I soon felt gentle hands draping a blanket over me, tucking it in securely around me.
I didn't stir when one of my brothers carried me up to bed and tucked me in. But several hours later, I don't know what time exactly, my screams woke me up.
My heart pounded, my chest was tight. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't suck in any air at all, so I have no idea how I managed to scream, but I definitely did.
"Carrie, it's okay sis, you're okay. Calm down. Big deep breaths, come on." Nick was beside me instantly, just like he'd promised. And hot on his heels were the rest of my brothers. Jack first, then Alex and Damon, Rocco, and then Logan trailed in a few seconds later.
"It's okay sweetheart. You're safe, I promise." Jack held me in his arms, cradling me, rocking me gently. He kissed my hair tenderly. "There's nobody here, it's just us. Your brothers."
I was hyperventilating, absolutely panicked.
"Carrie, look at me." Damon. Ever the stern one. Except he wasn't stern this time. Now he spoke firmly, but there was compassion in his tone. He patted my cheek. "Carrie, look at me. Focus on my breathing. Come on."
I gasped for air, unable to calm down enough to make sense of anything.
But slowly, surrounded by my brothers, with Jack holding me tightly, Damon crouched in front of me, and my other brothers looking on, I slowly started to relax.
"You had a nightmare," Jack told me softly. "But you're okay now, you're safe."
I buried my face in Jack's shirt, embarrassed. The old t-shirt he wore was soft and rumpled against my cheek and smelled of him. I couldn't describe exactly how it smelt - a mix of his cologne and something else I couldn't put my finger on - but it was Jack. Totally Jack. I didn't want him to let me go.
I looked around the room at my brothers. None of them had their normal impeccably tailored suits on, which was a relief. I was half expecting that they would, but I was glad to see that in this, at least, they were normal.
Nick was shirtless. So was Rocco. My other brothers all wore t-shirts and flannel pajama pants. Logan's were yellow.
"Styley pajamas bro." I smirked at him. Or at least, I tried to. But I'm not sure that I succeeded. Fear was still rippling through me.
Damon looked at me, then at Logan, and grinned, before sending Logan back to bed.
"You've got school in the morning, Logan," he said. "Go back to bed."
I clung to Jack, not wanting him to go. I didn't want to be alone. I was terrified in this bedroom now; my palms were clammy and my heart still raced.
"Don't leave me," I whispered to him. "Please don't leave me. I'm terrified in here."
"You can sleep with one of your brothers tonight Carrie," Damon told me. "And tomorrow, you'll be seeing the counselor I told you about."
I shook my head, arguing, still not wanting to talk to any counselor, but Damon looked at me fiercely.
"It's not up for discussion, Carrie. We've been over this. I'm getting you help to deal with all you've been through. But right now it's the middle of the night and we all need to get some sleep. So pick the brother you're going to bunk with, and let's all get back to bed."
Damon's patience was obviously running out.
Tears filled my eyes and my bottom lip quivered. I felt like a burden. Again. It wasn't my fault I was so frightened.... Was it? Had I done something wrong? Had I done something to deserve being attacked?
"Damon's just tired," Alex said, stepping closer to me. "Ignore his grumpiness"
Damon glared, but Alex ignored him, and crouched down in front of me instead, exactly where Damon had been just moments before.
"Are you staying with Jack?" he asked me softly. "I know Jack was always the one you wanted when you were little."
Leaning against Jack, I nodded. Yes, I wanted Jack. Jack had always been the one to be there for me, right back as far as I can remember. And Jack was the one I wanted with me now. Despite not being the biggest of my brothers, or the best fighter, he was still the one I felt the safest and most comfortable with.
"Yes, I want to stay with Jack." I looked up at Jack. "Is that okay, Jacky? Can I come with you?"
"Yes sweetheart, of course you can." He gave me a warm smile and stood up, carrying me. "Come on. You want your teddy?"
Nick looked confused. "Teddy?"
Alex pulled my old, tatty teddy out from under the covers and held it up. "This one," he said. "The one Rocco got for her when she was first born."
Nick grinned, and Rocco looked both proud and sheepish.
"I remember that," Nick said. "I didn't know you still had it, though."
Grumbling, I snatched my teddy off Alex and held him close, tucking him in between my body and Jack's chest.
Jack carried me into his room, laid me gently down in his bed, and slid in beside me, wrapping his arm around me, reassuring me.
"You're okay now sweetheart," he whispered. "Go back to sleep."
Fear still pervaded my mind, freezing out everything except the shadowy face of my attacker, his hand over my mouth, his body on mine.
"It's okay," Jack whispered, cuddling me close. "You're safe, I promise. Go back to sleep. I won't let anything happen to you."
I wrapped my fingers around Jack's tightly, needing the reassurance that he wasn't going anywhere. Somehow, knowing that I held him as tightly as he held me, I felt safer. More secure. Less afraid.
And slowly, I drifted back to sleep again, my breathing keeping time with Jack's gentle snores.