I walked closer to the kitchen and yet there was no one, I looked around and I found a door which was wide open. I walked inside and it was a beautiful small hallway leading to another door which was also ajar. I could hear a loud sound of the happy birthday song. The voice was too familiar. I walked inside and I saw a huge wall screen, playing on it was a chaotic video.
My eyes darted to the sofa, Alex was there sitting on one corner. I knocked but he didn't hear. I walked inside as my eyes turned back to the screen. Elena's birthday. How could I forget those happy memories which I wished would return as reality but I had no hope. My eyes watered as I saw myself hugging her as Alex kissed her head and passed me a slow smile. Another wash of memories. We were young and so much better than we were now.
I walked closer until my foot hit the sofa. Alex still didn't look at me. I finally took a seat on one end of the sofa. My heart ached as I smiled gently. Me and Elena bickering and she kissed my cheek. We were all dressed up. Our other friends cheered as we stood there cutting the cake. Alex was next to me, now and then. But what changed? Everything did. At that time I was in love with him, even now I was. What changed? Everything.
A tear slipped down my eyes as I stared at the glimpse of our beautiful past. A glimpse of the time when not everything was a mess. I looked at Alex, still the same yet so different. I turned my head towards him, he looked back at me and for the first time he had an emotion on his face, pain.
"How did we end up here Alex?" I asked. He smiled lightly. More like mocking me. I took a deep breath wiping the empty tears away from my eyes. I looked back on the screen as I leaned against the sofa.
"You know the first time we kissed Ashley?" He said but I didn't answer, I did not want to. "That was when I hoped for something different and beautiful from you, but I was wrong. You were different, but a disaster and the biggest mistake I made." He said and my heart seared.
My fists curled on my sides. "I also hoped I'd see more than an asshole in you but I did, a worse stubborn asshole who hasn't even given me a chance to explain anything in all these years." I said as I looked at him. He scoffed.
"Oh yea, right Ashley, if you ever see me more than that, maybe in another life because in this one you don't deserve the love I ever had for you." He said instantly and paused. My heart skipped a beat. Did he just say he loved me? Back then. Of course he did, why would he kiss me, make me smile, take me out on dates for two years before it all went downhill. Why? Because we were in love.
I nodded my head. "I don't want to see the love you had for me cause I.... I never felt it Alex. If you even liked me, You'd hear me out, understand me and forgive me! But you decided to torture me with your presence for three years! Making me work with you and yet you reminded me how I ruined your days. Like I didn't already know Alex, I know! It's not easy to carry this weight with me! I die everyday but you don't care at all." I said it finally. I felt better but so much vulnerable.
"I hate you and it won't ever change." He said and my heart skipped a beat. My eyes stung as I looked at him as the music slowed and came to a stop.
"I might as well leave then. What am I even doing here acting as your girlfriend? I do not deserve to be treated like this and will not be. You would come and ask me to stay but I won't come back here and have you torture me every chance you get Alex!"
"Please leave, Every passing minute I realise that it was the worst idea ever. How could I think of a cheater like you to be my girlfriend when you literally was caught red handed fuck..." his voice trailed off. Not again. I got up as I ran outside. I saw Rachel entering the house but I didn't care. I wouldn't.
She called me but I didn't even spare her a look, cause If I did, I'd be too overwhelmed to tell her the whole truth. I walked to my room, locking it. I leaned against it as I let my numbness wash over me. I hated what was going to take over me, I hated I was going to turn into this self sabotaging bitch. I hated when I could no longer cry but fee pain 24-7. I hated when I could not let this go and I will not. I want it to remind me how bad I had hurt him, now I was going to hurt Rachel. I was going to do it nevertheless. I quickly pulled my suitcase, throwing everything from the closet in.
I could hear footsteps approaching my room as the door opened and I saw Alex. "Ashley.." he eyed my suitcase. "Rachel is there, don't do it." He said and I scoffed.
"I hurt people Alex, I am used to it. I won't feel anything, tell Rachel we broke up because I cheated on you. Hm?" I said as I resumed stuffing my suitcase.
He stared at me. "I won't ever ask you to return once you leave. Don't even think about me begging you to return, I'd rather break Rachel's heart than ask a cheater to stay."
"I am the Cheater." I said and I smiled. I was felt pain inside me erupting, closing all other emotions. I wasn't feeling a thing. I was wrong, I felt one emotion, regret. Regret of living. I didn't want to look at him. He reminded me of many things that'd make me stay.
I paused and when I turned to face him. "You know what? I am not you. And I will never be you. You want this, for me to overreact! Leave once for all and guess what, I will not. I will not leave. I will not hurt Rachel. I will not hurt myself because of you! I will stay and I will make you regret everything you've done to me."
"I already regret everything that I had ever done with concern to you. From you breathing to you not leaving." He said as he crossed his arms over his chest, watching me put everything back in the closet and shutting it with a loud thud.
"Then so be it. You hate me, and that seems more like a you problem. I will not lie to Rachel, I will tell her that we need time because we are having a serious problem because of you." I could feel my teeth ready to break from the pressure. I pointed at him and he just kept staring at my face.
My face just a few inch away but I didn't feel giddy, rather annoyed.
As I was about to walk away, he didn't let me, holding me with my arms. "Get one thing in your head, You're not going anywhere and you won't tell grandma anything like that." He raised his voice and I scoffed.
"I don't want to be with you! Let me fucking go! I am a cheater remember and you shouldn't be sharing a room with me." I said as I tried to shake off his hold which only tightened.
"If you are able leave this room, I will let you go and if you don't, you will tell grandma exactly what I say." He gritted his teeth, warning me. Another game? Let's play.
"Done." I said as I pushed him hard. He pulled me back way too swiftly, holding me in his grasp. My hand barely brushing the door knob as he pushed me towards the bed. I stumbled as I fell.
I got up again, trying again as But this time, he pulled me back in his chest locking his hands on my waist.
I flailed but he pinned me back to bed, making it hard for me move. I grunted as I tried to push him away. I tried flailing around but he didn't let go. "Alex let me go, I don't want to be with you in one room." I pushed his hands, trying to take at-least one of his hands but it resulted in him pulling me tighter towards himself.
"Alex stop, it is starting to hurt!" I said but he didn't respond. I didn't give up and I kept kicking my legs and hitting his arms again and again, but he didn't let go of his grip. After what seemed like an eternity, I stopped. Breathing heavily as my efforts were still on, now silent.
"Alex please!" I said but he held me back. I growled. I stopped finally and that was when I realised something. I could feel a weird but sudden embarrassment wash over me. I laid there unmoving, my breath hitching as I grew tired. Too tired to beg him to let me go. My hand was resting on his arm.
He breathed hard and fast against my back. His hot breaths brushing my back. Fuck me! I gulped as he leaned forward. "No." He said in my ear and I squirmed. I felt it, the tension of the whole situation seeping inside me. Our bodies practically pressed together but then his words ringed in my ears. I'd never ask a cheater to stay.
I felt a sudden urge to push him away again and I failed once again. "Let me go Alex, you said you wanted me to leave. I am sure you don't want to be this close to a cheater. Please." I said as my eyes watered. And finally a tear slipped from my eyes.
"There is difference between what you want and what you have." He said as I shivered in his arms, trying to lean against the mattress. My body betrayed me as I gave up silently.
"You don't have to if you don't want to. Because we both know, we will end up hurting each other." I muttered under my breath, not sure if he had heard me.
His breath still on my neck as he leaned forward pressing his head into my shoulder. "I can't break grandma's heart again Ashley. She knows we broke up three years ago. She knows." I stiffened as I finally stopped pushing his hands away. I laid there, still. Our bodies pressed together by his force but then again, we were here. After various arguments, we were still on the same bed, pressed against each other with mingling feelings rolled in some salty wounds.
"I am afraid Alex." I said. I am afraid I'd end up loving you more and forget how you had hurt me. My words were incomplete. But he for the first time apologised. "Sorry." He said as his lips moved against my neck and I shivered and I knew he could feel it.