~PAXTON~
I wake up to the light pittering of rain on the windows. Chrysos has her leg between my legs facing my back as I lay on my side. The clock reads just fifteen minutes after nine in the morning. Light as a dandelion seed, I disconnect myself from Chrysos and let her sleep in. I go to the bathroom to freshen up and when I step out, Chrysos is still snoozing deeply, the duvet only just on the lower half of her body. My imagination runs wild and I can only paint what could be her soft and supple breasts hidden beneath her violet bra. Agh, a big no-no. I tuck the blanket over her and kiss the top of her head before stepping out of the room.
Bennet is humming to himself in the kitchen and I greet him warmly. I assist him in making breakfast and as we cook, Nicky steps out already wearing her red and white flannel shirt tucked into jeans. I set down a cup of orange juice for her while Bennet finishes the omelets.
"Hey, how you feeling Nicky?" I ask.
"I am fine, mom. It's just a boo-boo," she said, sipping her drink, but I say it with a deeper tone.
"I mean how are you?" I say.
She sets it down and pushes her hair behind her ear, "You were right. She did get very very scared. And it kind of made us realize something. We are better off as friends. My life is just too dangerous and she... well she's from a different world. At least we stopped before it could get too serious."
"I'm so sorry," I say sincerely.
"Yeah, it's alright," Nicky pipes up half-heartedly and we sit in silence as we eat our omelets.
After washing our plates, Chrysos comes out dressed in a plain black dress and matching charcoal flats.
"Chrysos?" Nicky is the first to speak.
"Come on, get dressed. Try to match my attire," she orders before taking her coffee and sitting on the couch.
Nicky and I fall serious and follow Chrysos' order. I tuck my black dress shirt into my dress pants and wear flats. Once outside, we walk in silence to the car. Chrysos tells Bennet an address out in Brooklyn and as we cross the Manhattan Bridge, I finally ask the burning question.
"Where are we going, Chrys?" I look with solemnity.
"I am going to pay my respects to Richard," she speaks clearly and we let out an 'oh'.
"I need to do this. I know you guys think it's probably stupid considering she attacked me, but..."
"We're not stopping you. You need to do this, then we go with you," I said and Nicky nods her head in agreement, "We are always beside you. Leave no buddies behind."
"My best friends are awesome," Chrysos smiles and we continue looking out the windows in silence.
We arrive in thirty minutes. Mrs. Castus opens the door partially, the deadbolt still on its chain, and cautiously eyes us one by one.
"Mrs. Castus. We spoke on the phone. I'm Chrysos and these are my friends Nicky and Paxton. And this is Bennet, my butler. May we come in?" Chrysos introduces us and we wave hello.
"Solo tu," Mrs. Castus says to Chrys, eyeing me and then at my hands which are nervously fiddling in my pockets. I know that look. I pop them out and open them flat against the seam of my pants.
"Excuse me, ma'am. We can't..." Nicky objects, but Chrysos stops her.
"Just me. You guys take the day. Maybe Paxton, you can take Nicky sightseeing. Bennet can stay with me," Chrysos offers and my head is spinning in all directions.
"I don't want to leave you. Don't make us go," I whisper strictly.
"Please, this... I need to do alone," she pleads and I bite my tongue.
"No goodbyes. Stay near to me. Okay? You know where to find me," Chrysos says.
I kiss her cheek before taking Nicky's good arm in mine and we begin walking the streets. I take in my surroundings and realize how close I am to home. Well, my old home. Like that park. I used to play pirate ship with the kids that lived in the apartment downstairs from mine. And that convenience store. I loved to get blue raspberry slush puppies after school. That crumbled building site...
"We shouldn't walk here. Come on," I redirect us in the opposite direction and begin walking. I don't know where. I don't have any destinations in mind and what are considered tourist attractions are not within walking distance from where we are.
"Are you okay?" Nicky nudges me and I stay silent.
"Do you know where we are going?" she asks, looking around.
"I grew up here, so yes. But no, I don't know where we are stopping," I said.
We walk around a few more blocks before Nicky speaks again, "Well, do you wanna visit your family?"
I abruptly halt in the middle of the sidewalk and Nicky tugs me to the side to let a couple pushing a stroller with a blubbering baby through.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to rile you," she apologizes and I am not mad at her.
"I just have a rough past and well, I can't go home," I say vaguely.
"Oh, right. I forgot," Nicky says guiltily and I look at her wondering how she knew.
"Oh, um... I found out when I visited Asher at his apartment. We were hanging out on the couch having drinks and playing Uno and I saw some of your belongings. Asher said you crash at his place because you can't go home. He didn't say anything further so don't worry, that's all I know. I swear," she said and I believe her.
I feel horrible that we have been mindlessly walking around in the sweltering heat and although Nicky is like an elite soldier, I can tell she is uncomfortable. I look around us and when I look up to think, I smile brightly.
"Come on. There is someone I would love to visit," I say excitedly.
From where we were before, it only took five minutes to run to grandma's apartment. Her apartment is on the top floor of a two-story home in a small suburban neighborhood. It is very quiet and the only people who pass by here are the neighbors with their dogs, taking walks in the morning.
My index finger hovers over the doorbell intercom, but I can't seem to just push it any closer than a millimeter.
"Are we here?" Nicky pants beside me.
"Hey, you okay?" Nicky said, snapping her fingers in front of me and I shake myself awake.
"Yeah, um just gimme a sec," I said, taking a moment to think.
I haven't seen Gramma Serena in almost four years. I have kept in touch with her through calls to wish her happy holidays or birthdays, but after the fallout with my family, I haven't had the guts to visit her. Does she hold the same grudge my mother does? Will she cast me away at first sight?
"It's been too long. I need to do this. She's my favorite person in the whole world," I say with finality and buzz in.
"Hello? Who is it? Luca, are you expecting a package? I told you to stop watching them ads!" Gramma Serena responds and Nicky snorts into her good hand.
"Gramma. It's me, Paxton. Surprise," I chuckle nervously.
"SUNNY!" she roars with the lungs of a lioness and we both cover our ears.
The next things we hear are thundering footsteps running down the stairs and the snare bang of the front door. I barely have time to register before she squeezes me to death and you know that comic face where the eyes jump out of the sockets and my lips spit what is left of my air. Yeah, that's how I looked.
"Achkkk c-can't b-b-breatheee. H-h-h-heelb mehhh!" I die and Grandma Serena finally releases me. I gasp a gallon of air and Nicky is in hysterics.
"Paxton Lux Iustus! Where have you been? Three years and you didn't bother visiting your own grandmother," she scolds, pulling on my ear to go inside.
"Ow, ow, ow," I cry, letting her drag me.
Nicky follows suit and when we step into her apartment, my mouth starts salivating when I smell Trinidadian stewed chicken and meat pies. WHACK!
"Seriously? What is with you people whacking me on the head? You want me to have a concussion?" I rub the back of my head as Gramma is holding a wooden spoon in her hand.
"Are you going to introduce me to your wife and explain how you let her get hurt?" Gramma Serena crosses her arms.
Nicky and I both choke and sputter at the assumption.
"Gramma! She's not my wife or girlfriend. This is Nicky, my best friend. Nicky, this is Gramma Serena," I introduce.
Nicky does her classic arm handshake, "Howdy, ma'am. I'm Nicole Perry. My friends call me Nicky. Great to meet ya."
"Yer from Alaska? Yer grip is very strong like you be lifting them trees," Gramma Serena comments, and I pale in embarrassment.
"Alaska? Ma'am, I'm from Texas," Nicky chuckles.
"Texas. I remember going there fer my forty-third birthday. I don't remember anything from those days," Gramma Serena recalls and we chuckle whole-heartedly.
Gramma tells us to wait in the living room as she finishes cooking the food. I text Bennet where Nicky and I are and he texts back that Chrys and he will meet up with us soon. I tell Gramma Serena to set for two more people and she was positively delighted to have more people over.
"So yeah. That's my grandma. She's an angel. A very loud one if you can't tell," I say, slightly embarrassed because man, Gramma Serena can be a handful.
"Yeah, but I like her. She's spunky. I don't get why you were so scared. She's harmless," Nicky commented.
Family is love, fellowship, and usually a sizzle of chaos. One shouldn't be afraid of their own family because in a household no matter how different each person is, they should always come back to one another at the end of the day. They are the people that you see at the table, grew up with, and learned from. Dysfunctionality is common and I guess it is expected. But fear of your own brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, or grandmas in my case, should never overtake what all families should have which is familial love.
After coming back here and seeing Gramma Serena, maybe I should reevaluate myself and my relationship with my family. Time and life are too precious to be continuously holding a grudge that has lasted almost four years. I love my siblings to wholes and although what my mom said to me before I left was damaging, I love all that she has done to provide for us and she's kept me off the streets. She was the one always encouraging me to take care of my family, stay after school to participate in sports, and pushed me to find passion in the things that I do. I miss my mom, and I miss Ruby even if she can be a pain in the morning, and I especially miss Prince and Precious. I should never have left without saying goodbye to those two. Oh, man. I miss them all.
"Yeah, I love her so much. And I love my family," I smile.
Nicky pats my arm lightly, "You must miss them. I miss my family too."
"Every day," I sigh and Nicky nods in agreement.
Instead of sitting in silence, I go to look around for something to do and I find a chest of old toys and games. I take out Battleship and let's say being in a campaign against a former Marine is intense. Her eyes are stabbing at me. I've already lost two medium ships and I only took her largest carrier. PING!
~~~~
CHRYSOS 🌻
Hey, Paxty. We parked a few blocks away. Chrysos dropped a pin.
PAXTON 🛡️
I'm on my way.
~~~~
I let Nicky know where I am going and called out to grandma that I will be back soon. She calls out that lunch will be ready in fifteen minutes. I follow the geotag a few blocks away and see the car parked. Carefully scanning the surroundings, I do two slow rotations.
"Are you really just going to be standing there the whole time?" Chrysos said rolling down the window.
In full concentration, I ignore her comment and pivoted to do another turnaround. Although my neighborhood is somewhere I am most familiar with, it is still like any other place in New York City; not one-hundred percent safe. Like that crumbled building site we passed, that is a popular site for turf wars and I don't know which gang has control over it. And as my senses are heightened, I am met with silence, which is quite normal, but silence doesn't mean absolute safety.
"Come on! You're taking too long," Chrysos shoves the door, pushing me aside. I throw her a glare and she rolls her eyes before taking my arm.
"I'm trying to do my job, but go right ahead and rush me," I huff, quickly leading us to Gramma Serena's house.
"There's no one here. Do you hear a hundred angry Yankees? No. Is there a drink filled with poison being waved in my face? NO." Chrysos lists and I grind my teeth.
"What if there's a sniper? Or someone lurking in the distance waiting to stab you? Huh? Yeah, please don't question me again," I say a bit harshly.
She yanks her hand off me and holds Bennet instead. I hold my fists to my side and for the rest of the walk, there is an undeniable tension. I buzz in and Nicky answers the door. We all walk inside and when Gramma sees us she lets out a squeal, bounding straight to Chrysos for a hug. Grandpa Luca comes up to me in equal fashion and both of us are gasping for air.
"You must be Chrysos! You are so pretty! Oh, lemme see your eyes. They are so shiny. Come, come. Does Paxton not feed you enough? Come, come. Food is ready," Gramma Serena says towing Chrysos to sit beside her.
Chrysos is stiff as a log.
The only seat left is the one next to Nicky and in front of Chrys. Gramma takes each other's hands and she says grace. Afterward, she loads up everyone's plates and we are all savoring the rich flavors of stew and sweet potatoes.
"This is so good, Mrs. Serena," Chrys says chewing her potato, some bits sticking to her chin. I let out a snort and they all stare at me, well, Chrys kicks me in the shin under the table.
"Ow, sorry. Um, just..." I reach over with my napkin and wipe the pieces off. She blushes so adorably and mouths a thank you. I smile and turn my gaze back to the food.
"Dearie, you can just call me Gramma. Is Paxton treating you well? If not just let me know and I will set her right," Gramma says and I huff, "Gramma!"
"SUNNY! Don't you talk like that to me. I am speaking to your girlfriend," Gramma scolds and I look at Nicky. She chews her food innocently.
"Don't worry. She spoils me plenty and I love her a lot. She makes me very happy. She's a decent gentlewoman, Gramma," Chrysos admits.
"Good, good. And here I thought all those years you were dead or joined a gang, but you were courting this fine young woman. Paxton, why didn't you tell us?" Grandpa Luca finally speaks up and I gulp down my water rather forcefully.
All eyes focus on me, even Bennet. I am guessing they all want to know why I never speak about my family and why I am just now returning home after four years of absence. I've never told anyone besides Asher. So, their curiosity and earnest looks are making me sweat.
I HATE YOU! I've got nothing to say to a stranger. They took your father and your ancestors. You are no different.
"Paxton, breathe. Hey. I am right here," Chrysos consoles, and I didn't even notice, but both my hands are stretched over the table in her hands. She strokes my palms and I flush in embarrassment.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Gramma. And Grandpa. I didn't mean to ignore you guys all those years. I didn't mean to leave. Mom and I had a big fight. I got into college, John Jay University," I begin slowly.
"Awwww, you did? I'm so proud of you," Gramma says brimming with thrilling tears and Grandpa drops his jaw in shock.
"Yeah, well. Haha, at least you guys are. Mom was furious. Like she was yelling and screaming and hitting me. If you don't know, John Jay is the best university on the entire East Coast to specialize in criminal justice. I got accepted into their program with all honors and full scholarships. But, um mom hates the idea of me becoming a police officer. She thinks I'll pick up a gun and shoot people," I confess, tears brimming slowly down my cheek.
Nicky pats my back and I smile sadly at her, "It's a part of the job. You can't control the people that want to commit crimes."
"Um dear, she means shoot people like us. Like her father, Nicholas (her sister's fiance), and many more during and before me," Gramma says, lifting her arm to show them her skin.
"Oh," Nicky, Bennet, and Chrys both meekly peep out.
"Yeah. She hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me. She made it clear after she left me this scar on my cheek and tossed me out into the streets. I lived for three months homeless until college came. I survived by knowing where the shelters were, but yeah. I can't go home and that's why I left. To her, I'm a killer and a stranger. She doesn't know me and I guess she doesn't love me enough to recognize me as her daughter. The end," I try to conclude lightly, but hiccups and breathing become raspier.
The next thing they all do shocks me. Arms and warmth engulf me. In one massive pile, I lean into all of them bawling my eyes out. Chrysos makes circles on my back while Gramma is humming softly in my ear.
"Serena was so angry when I enlisted for 'nam," Grandpa Luca said.
"I was. I hated that he would be going away and your mother gets her stubbornness from me. We say things that we don't mean and we regret it immediately," Gramma said.
I don't remember any of this. Grandpa never talks about what he and Gramma went through during the war.
"She was so pissed at me that she threw a book at my head and it broke my heart to see her crying on the floor. But, you know what she said when I got back? She has always been waiting for her good soldier to ring the bell so she can jump in my arms and smother me in kisses. Paxton, your mother doesn't hate you. She's just stubborn and really just wants you back home at the end of the day. I bet she's just waiting for you to ring that bell so she can see her daughter again," Grandpa Luca said affectionately.
There's no way that can be possible. Right? I mean what about her calling me a stranger? She'll just take one glance at me and see someone unrecognizable. Agh, my head hurts. This is too much.
"Hey, when you're ready, you are ready. That was a lot, Paxty. You've been through a lot," Chrysos stated.
Everyone is so super supportive of me. After all those years of feeling rejected and disappointed in myself, now there's a slight chance for hope. Of a possibility of reconciliation. Speaking of which.
I hastily fix myself and turn my attention to Chrys, "Here I am moping about my past, but forgot about what we really came here for. How was meeting with Mrs. Castus?"
Gramma Serena and Grandpa Luca go to the kitchen to do the dishes while we sit in the living room to chat. Chrysos lays her head on my lap and closes her eyes. I brush her hair from her face so she can feel comfortable.
"It was very difficult at first. In Mrs. Castus' eyes, she saw her son's killer standing on her doorsteps with a bunch of other strangers. Richard was a college freshman. His father is still in Honduras and it was just him and Mrs. Castus. From what Mrs. Castus told me, Richard was just starting his life. He wanted to go into computer science and make new friends. He worked very hard to get the tuition money by working small jobs like being a caterer for my event. But, then. He got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. The SS Tribe used him to get to me. He was never affiliated with them. Didn't know who they were, but... he died. All because the SS Tribe are vile, pathetic, monsters!!" Chrysos cracks and Nicky and I sit restlessly in our place, listening to her.
"Mrs. Castus' only son. The only loved one she had here in this country. Is gone. Because of them. I had to tell her that I am not a part of that gang or any criminality. I just listened to her as she holds onto the memories of him. And I tried to give silence to the innocent boy. But, money, promises, apologies... it can't give back life. I could only give her the truth and my side of the story. I doubt I can convince her or anyone that I am good, but at least she has answers," Chrysos finishes weakly, burrowing her face in my stomach.
I can feel her tears seeping through my shirt, but I don't care. What she did was incredibly brave and honorable. I wish that she wasn't so hurt, but I think she will find relief in the future. Chrysos cries for a few minutes as Nicky rubs her back while I stroke her head.
"Paxton? May we speak with you, alone?" Gramma calls to me and I gently lay Chrysos on Nicky.
Gramma and Grandpa lead me into my mom's old bedroom. I look around and smile at the pictures of my mom in her youth, standing upright in their frames. Soccer in high school, her twelfth birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, and this one's my favorite. I pick up the first official family photo with my dad, Precious, Prince, Ruby, Gramma, and Grandpa. We took it at Grandpa's seventieth birthday party.
"Bring it here with you. We have some more stuff for you," they beckon me over and I sit beside them on the bed. Grandpa takes out a box from the closet and places it on my lap. Is this one of his shopping leftovers? But, the blueberry-colored box is kinda old looking, with specks of dust. Like it was left there for some time. I lift the lid and look at it in curiosity. It's a Build-A-Bear—A cute fluffy, teddy bear with smooth glassy eyes.
"Press its tummy," Gramma smiles, Grandpa Luca lovingly embracing her.
I do as she says and my heart skips a thousand beats. A guitar solo begins playing, but that voice. I haven't heard that voice in ages.
Remember me. Though I have to say goodbye. Remember me. Don't let it make you cry. For ever if I'm far away. I hold you in my heart.
It's him. It's my dad.
"Oh my god!" I look at them with glassy tears and they nod.
"Your father wanted to give this to your mother for her next birthday. He hid it so badly, but so well. Luca and I found it a few months after he passed, but never had the energy to give it to your mother. And she has been so busy that she never comes by to visit anymore. But, here you are. And here he is. With us. I really hope you will reunite with your family. With him. There will be happiness," Gramma pecks me on the forehead.
I squeeze the stuffed animal, pressing it to my ear as my father's voice concludes the piece. "Thank you," I set the bear back in its box and squeeze them both gratifyingly.
"Not yet, sunny. I have one more gift for you. I spoke with your grandpa and I think it is time you have this. You are at the age where you are just beginning the adventures of your future. We too remember when our parents gifted us the same and blessed us both. This is our token of love and we want you to give it to the one you love. When the time is right. I hope that God will bless you with longevity and harmony. People say that it is rare to find your perfect person, but just having someone who doesn't care if you're rich or poor or stubborn or weak, it's such an honor and gift that God has provided. Now, take my engagement ring and I hope when the time is right, you will be with your love," Gramma slips off her engagement ring and tucks it into my palm.
It's so beautiful. It has a thin golden band and at the center is a diamond more petite than a raindrop. To think that when I was just a baby I would suck on it like a pacifier, but now holding it in my hand, it leaves me breathless.
"I love it. I will cherish it always," I thank them.
I pack up the ring in a velvet ring case and tuck it under the picture frame and next to the bear. Together, the three of us walk out and announce that it is time to go. It's getting late and it's best to leave before sundown.
"I love you Gramma and Grandpa. I will visit again soon. And I will tell you when I give this to them," I said.
"Thank you, Gramma and Grandpa," everybody waved.
"We expect the next time you come here to hand us your wedding invites and maybe news of grandchildren. Maybe two or three. We really don't care if it's more," Gramma says.
Chrysos and I let go of each other and shoot our eyes to the skies.
"U-hhhhhmm. I-I d-d-ddon't know about that," Chrysos sputters and I drag her by the hand outside.
"Goodbye!" we all say.
Oh, man. That was interesting. My face is cherry red, but oddly. I'm more than okay. Right here in both my hands are the most precious things on this planet. And I pray to God that I will never lose them.
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