KATE HAD ASKED Steve if they could stop somewhere else in the graveyard before they went back to Nancy's house.
Steve couldn't think of one time since he'd been buried that Kate had gone back to her father's grave. He wasn't going to fight her on the ask: he couldn't say no to such a thing, even if it seemed like a bad time. Kate wanted to see her dad, and he would never fight her on something like that.
Whenever he'd pulled close to the gravesite in question, Kate barely waited for him to put the car in park before she jumped out of the car, walking swiftly to her destination. Steve didn't dare follow her, but only watched from the car with the kids crammed in the backseat.
He didn't take his eyes off of her for a moment, barely even to think. Even though Kate had dumped him months before, Steve still didn't have any intentions of putting her in harm's way, especially not when he could help it. About a year and a half before, Steve had promised Kate's father that he would keep her safe, no matter what. Of course, Kate had no idea that the conversation had even taken place, and Steve intended for it to remain that way. After Hopper had died, he didn't intend on backing off of his promise, especially now that they were dealing with an interdimensional murderer. He wouldn't let anything happen to Kate, even if it meant he would lose his own life trying to protect hers.
Even though Max was currently wedged in between Dustin and Lucas, that didn't stop all three of them from switching their gazes between Kate and Steve, the three kids exchanging glances as they took it all in. Dustin finally cleared his throat, not even trying to catch Steve's eye. "Is she—?"
"Yeah." Steve didn't dare move his gaze from her, watching as she walked over to his tombstone, her hands in her jacket pockets (her dad's jacket pockets, to be exact).
At first, none of the kids spoke again, almost as if they didn't want to test the waters. Normally if one of them brought Kate up, they would get yelled at. They didn't know what they would be facing if they asked questions about her right now.
"Do you think she'll ever be the same again?"
Steve shook his head, still watching her closely. "No, but that–that's okay. It's not... It's not like she's dead, okay?"
None of the kids wanted to answer that question. How could they? While, yes, physically that was Katherine Michelle Hopper that they had been with, she wasn't Kate. The girl that they had now was much more empty than the one they had known before, more on edge. The Kate they'd grown to love over the years had changed, and that was something they'd have to get used to.
Kate, however, hesitated to get too close to the gravestone. Her eyes immediately glazed over whenever she read "JAMES HOPPER" on the slab of stone, making her stomach twist into knots. Reading his death date over and over again made it more finalizing for her, more like he was actually gone. She hated the feeling. She couldn't describe it to anyone else, partially because no one else would understand. She couldn't explain it, but somehow, she could still feel him. Maybe it was because there was never a body, never anything definite to put six feet underground and never see again but an empty casket, but none of it had felt... real the way it was supposed to.
She remembered the day of the funeral.
It hadn't been much. Kate had dealt with most of the plans, but she had made it as much of a non-deal as she possibly could. That would've been what he wanted. The town, however, had made a big deal out of celebrating her father's life accordingly: he'd died a hero. It couldn't be as simple as she wanted it to be, but she could live with that.
Kate had asked Flo to contact the people needed to make arrangements for both the veteran's and police officer services, mostly because she didn't think she could get through that phone call. The department had helped a lot in general, anyway, since her father's death. Each officer and their family had brought her food (mostly casseroles, but she didn't mind), offered their support, and Flo had even offered her a place to stay. Kate had been flattered, but as her father would have done, she didn't want to make too much of a fuss.
She just wanted it to be over.
She'd worn the same dress she'd worn to Will's funeral, his fake one. She'd almost laughed at the thought. She'd wished this was a fake funeral, too. It's not like there had been a body to bury, or anything left of him, for that matter. As much as she'd wished her father wasn't dead, that he was still out there somewhere, it was almost worse than him being gone. If he wasn't actually dead, that would mean he could be with the Russians, stuck in the Upside Down... she'd never see him again, that's for sure.
"You ready?"
Kate had turned around from finishing her makeup, finding Steve standing in the doorway of his bathroom. Her voice had been brittle, her eyes swelling with tears. "You want me to answer that honestly?"
He grimaced, walking over to her and putting his arms around her. He looked at her in the mirror, holding in tight. "You know, he'd be proud of you. Doing all this stuff for him."
Kate wiped the tear that had started to trickle down her face before it had been too obvious. "I mean, would he? He did this with his parents and his daughter, and I just..."
"Hey," he said, pulling her chin up to look at her. "He's proud of you. I promise."
She nodded, wiping underneath her eyes again. "I just... I miss him."
Steve sighed. "Me too."
The funeral itself hadn't been too long.
It had been mostly uniform: the police had done their thing, the military theirs, and the pastor from one of the churches in Hawkins spoke. Kate had known that a religious figure wouldn't have been Hopper's preference on who would talk about him at his funeral, as it definitely would've been her, but she hadn't been able to do it. She hadn't had enough time to prepare herself for something like that.
Instead, they had buried an empty casket, a sad attempt at any type of closure for his death.
She had barely been aware of what was going on around her until she had been handed a folded flag. She'd almost felt like she'd been drinking with how imperceptive she'd been. The only other time her attention had been snagged was whenever guns were fired off in the distance, saluting the fallen man.
Kate had only been able to breathe again once it was finally over, when everyone had finally gone home. When the empty casket had been put six feet under, never to be seen again, just like her father.
She thought about that day as she traced her fingers along the edge of the stone, almost like she needed to touch his headstone for it to feel real. She took a shaky breath, not wanting to start sobbing.
"I–I'm sorry... that I don't come more often," she said softly, her voice brittle. "That I haven't come, I mean. I promise, I'll come around more often from now on, okay? I just... I just couldn't be here today and not... come say hey, or something."
Kate felt so stupid. It wasn't like her father could hear her, or at least she didn't think he could. She tried not to think about religion too much, even though she, technically speaking, had been raised a Christian (her father didn't care much for religion, either, but Diane was a devout Protestant). Knowing that there were other dimensions out there certainly could make someone believe that there being a God was possible, but after all the bad things that had happened to her and the people she loved, she didn't like to think that there was some higher power that could fix it all.
"God, Dad, I'm so sorry," she said, a couple of tears finally slipping out and her voice cracking. "Sometimes, I... it still feels like you're here." She hesitated. "I–I should've gone with you. I can't do this shit without you." She took a breath to steady herself. "It should've been me. I wish it would've been me. I–I'm so sorry."
She placed her hand on the gravestone, almost as if it would help support her. If anything, it just solidified the fact that he was gone, making her heart break even more. She hated the thought that he couldn't hear her. Jim Hopper was dead and there was nothing she could do about it.
"Ellie's in trouble. If you can, p–please just... watch out for her, okay? I don't know where she is. I–I'm trying my best to help find her. Everything would be so much easier if you were just—" Her voice cracked again, stopping her from going on as more tears streamed down her face. If you were just here. She took her hand off the headstone, taking a step back. "I love you, Dad. I'm sorry I didn't say it enough before..." Before you died. "Just know we miss you. I miss you." She paused, wiping under her eyes then the rest of her face so she didn't look like she was crying. "I'll see you around."
When Kate finally got back into the car, the kids nor Steve knew what to say.
"You okay?" Steve finally said whenever they'd pulled out of the cemetery.
"Fine," she said, her voice brittle.
While none of the four said another word to her, nor exchanged another word until they got back to the Wheelers' house, they, especially Steve, knew she was far from fine.
Nancy and Robin had beaten them back to the Wheeler residence.
They had both already come up with a system where everyone could take turns sleeping, making sure that Max wouldn't be made a victim in the middle of the night. Whenever they'd all finally decided to go to sleep, Steve had volunteered for the first shift, and Kate had volunteered to take the second. She was slightly annoyed that Steve had beaten her to it with the first shift, partially because she knew she wouldn't be able to fall asleep until much, much later anyway.
Once everyone had finally fallen asleep, Kate had gotten herself situated with her Walkman and The Prince of Tides in another corner of the basement. She didn't even think about Steve still being awake until he sat down next to her. She pulled the headphone off of her ear that was on his side, closing her finger inside of her book as to not lose her page. "Can I help you?"
"I didn't say anything."
"You obviously want to say something."
He sighed softly, averting his eyes from her for a moment. "Are you... okay? I mean, seriously."
She opened her book back up as she sighed. She wasn't doing this right now. Not with him. "Steve, I already told you, I'm fine—"
"I mean it, Kathy." He looked to the Walkman that she'd yet to pause. "Which tape are you listening to?"
She shrugged, still not looking up from her book. "I don't know. I made it the summer before junior year, I think."
"So it's one of the ones you listen to when you're upset about something?"
She turned to him sharply, almost like he'd said something offensive. Whenever his expression didn't change, however, the one that showed he hadn't meant it in a negative way, she softened. "No."
"Hey," he said, touching her arm. Whenever she met his gaze for only a second, breaking away again whenever her eyes glazed over, he readjusted himself to get a better look at her. "Hey, hey. Don't do that. You can talk to me, okay?"
She took a shaky breath, nodding once. "Y–Yeah, okay."
"What's going on?"
She sighed, finally putting her bookmark in her book and setting it down next to her. "All of this... I don't know, it just makes me miss my dad."
Steve didn't know what to say, but only frowned in response.
"I know it's stupid—"
"What the hell're you talking about? That–That's not stupid at all," he said, trying to reassure her. "I miss your dad and he wasn't even my dad. I miss El, too."
She sighed, her voice almost breaking. "I'm so worried about her, Steve."
"I know."
"I don't know where she is, what's going on with her. I–I tried calling them again, but the line's still busy. I... I'm so scared of what they're gonna do to her." She shook her head, laughing hollowly as tears slipped down her face. "God, my dad would be so pissed at me right now. I should've been there, I should've known something was wrong before—"
"Hey, hey, hey, you can't do that to yourself, okay?" he said, trying to stop her from making herself even more upset. "It's not your fault. I... She's gonna be okay. If she's anything like you, I'm sure wherever she is, she's just fine."
Kate looked back up to Steve, moving her hand closer to his. "That's the thing. She's not like me. She's so much stronger than me, and I just..." She sighed, wiping underneath her eyes again. "I'm not... right. I'm not the same person I was last time I was here. I haven't been for a while."
"Kathy..."
"I'm not, okay? I–I... I'm not." She twisted the cord of her headphones, closing her eyes for a moment as if she were trying to piece together words to say. "Sometimes I think a part of me died that night, too, you know?"
Steve hesitated, reaching for her hand and squeezing it. "I think you're allowed to feel that way."
Kate still held his hand, scooting in closer to him. "Then why do I feel so goddamn guilty all the time?"
Steve shrugged, putting his arm around her. Whenever she didn't shake him off, only leaning into him, he pulled her closer to him. "Because you're you."
"Yeah, well, I hate me."
Yeah, well, I love you, Steve wanted to say, but he couldn't. He didn't want Kate to tell him she didn't feel the same about him anymore, that things between them were over for good. He couldn't deal with that right now. Not when she was finally opening up about things to him, not when she wasn't shutting him out anymore. For now, this would do. "I think everyone in this room would kill you if they heard you say that."
"Does that include you?"
"If you want it to."
She gave a sad smile, one Steve could barely make out. "Yeah, I'd like that."
"It's a deal, then. He readjusted his arm on her shoulder, just to make sure she was more comfortable. "You talk about Kathy like that ever again, you're dead, Hopper. Got it?"
She stifled a sad laugh. "You're such a dork, you know that?"
"Says you. I'm sure you already know the words to that new Queen song. The one that came out last week?"
Her eyebrows furrowed together. "'Princes of the Universe?'"
"Yeah, that one," Steve said, chuckling. "I never understood how the hell you do that so fast."
She shrugged slightly, leaning on his shoulder. "I have serious issues, that's why."
"Yeah, well, it's cute." Steve wanted to punch himself. "I—you know, funny. Cute in a funny way."
Kate's lips quirked slightly upward for a moment. She liked it whenever he got flustered like that. "And I thought you were supposed to be good at talking to girls now?"
He shrugged, chuckling. "It's all an act, okay? I still suck."
She hummed a laugh. "It's okay. All those girls are stupid, anyway."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Steve turned to look at her again, making her pick her head up off his shoulder. When he got a better look at her, he moved his hand to her cheek to wipe away the tear that still sat on her face. "You've got a..." He trailed off whenever he met her eyes. God, did he miss looking into those eyes. Whenever he wiped the tear away with his thumb, his hand lingered and rested on her jaw.
For a moment, Kate thought Steve was going to kiss her. When their faces got close, their lips almost touching, she quickly pulled away whenever she heard something thump from the corner of the room. Steve pulled himself off the floor, moving to get a better look at the kids. She finally paused her Walkman, cutting "Heat of the Moment" off, standing up as she pulled the headphones off her ears.
She gave Steve a concerned look whenever he turned back to her, making a face of discontent. "What?"
"It's nothing," he whispered so softly Kate could barely hear him. When he walked back over to her, he put a hand on her arm. "Henderson finally fell to the floor. Nothing to worry about, okay? Promise."
She nodded, visibly relaxing with his words.
Neither of them knew if they should bring up the kiss that almost happened between them, but they both only hoped that the other would.