He loved her.
He knew it.
With the words out of his brain Bucky finally felt free enough to acknowledge it, to himself at least. Every time he saw her face or even heard her voice he would light up inside like a beacon.
The joy of his revelation was short-lived however, when he thought about just how much she sacrificed for him, every single day. She was separated from her family, her friends, her home...she was a fugitive from the law, trapped in a foreign country, all because of him.
What did he have to offer her anyway? Absolutely nothing but a broken body and a legacy of terror and torment. Even if, by some sheer miracle, she did return his feelings, he'd only be a burden to her. From what his shattered mind could recall, she'd been a caring and driven soul, fiery and protective of those she loved, often foregoing her own happiness for theirs. If he revealed how he felt he knew she'd feel under some sort of obligation to him and the last thing he'd ever want would be for her to be burdened by him.
Perhaps if he showed her that he could be independent, as free as Shuri and Ayo assured him he was, then she might not feel so duty-bound to stay. She could go and use her abilities to help Steve save the world or visit all the countries she'd always wanted to see, or even, perhaps, go back to Brooklyn and get a little apartment, return to nursing if she wanted. A sudden image flashed through his mind, the pair of them in an apartment, busying about with their morning routine.
"It's easy to imagine, isn't it? Both of us headin' out to work, meetin' at the diner for lunch, havin' your Ma over for dinner."
He could hear her voice as clear as a bell in his head, but he knew it was just fantasy as he was wearing his old uniform and his Ma was dead now.
Bucky spent a long while brooding over what he could do to make life as easy for Betty as he could. He needed to get out of the palace, prove his independence, show her that he didn't need to rely on her so that she could leave and find her own happiness.
He went to see the only person he knew that could help...Shuri.
* * * * * *
"Hey Betty," he said, when he found her on the balcony.
She looked so enticing, curled up with her book. He could just reach out and...completely destroy the rest of her life.
"What's up Buck?" she smiled sweetly up at him.
"I've got somethin' I need to tell you," he breathed, the words almost running together as he fought to get them out of his mouth, and he sat on the chair next to her in an effort to combat the shaking in his legs.
"What is it?" she asked innocently, tucking her book underneath her knee to give him her full attention.
"I know we've been spendin' a lot of time together and I really enjoy that," he started.
"Yeah, me too," she beamed, making his heart pound.
"I've realised somethin'..." he continued, quieter than before.
"Yeah?" she queried, her voice a breathy whisper. Betty felt hope rise in her chest - was this it? She searched his face eagerly, looking for any sign that he remembered.
"I...I've..."
This is it Barnes, this is where you tell her, his heart commanded. He looked into her storm-coloured eyes, brimming with hopeful optimism. There was a life in there for him, he could see it. But not for her, his head decided. There's no proper life for her with you. He let out a shaky sigh and steeled himself for the words he was about to speak next.
"I'm gonna leave the palace."
Betty shattered.
A million pieces of herself fell to the floor at his feet. She scrabbled to pick them up and tried to put them back inside herself, but she couldn't get them to fit together in the right way.
"Oh...umm...OK then," she stammered with a plastered on banality. "Where are you gonna go?"
"There's a little hut, on the edge of one of the river villages. Its empty at the moment but Shuri said I could use it," he said, with fake enthusiasm that he hoped she wouldn't spot.
"That sounds...just right for you." She looked away.
"There's enough room for friends to come and visit?" he hinted hopefully, not able to completely sever the connection with her. "And it'll be lovely and dark at night. I'll bet you could see all sorts of stars and planets out there."
"Friends...sure," Betty smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. She stood then and he followed her lead.
"Thank you for everything you've done for me Betty. I'll never be able to repay you for that," and it was the truth.
"You don't need to thank me," she said, bitterly, feeling sheer despair rising up through her chest. He's going to say it, she thought. I don't think I can handle it if he says it.
"So, yeah, I guess..." he rubbed the back of his neck and then stepped towards her, to pull her into a hug, "...this is good..."
Betty exploded.
"Don't you dare say that word to me, James Barnes! Not again!" she yelled, tears beginning to course down her cheeks. Bucky stepped back again, astonished confusion on his face. He'd never heard her raise her voice like that, or ever seen that expression on her face.
"I've heard that word from you far too many times and I can't hear it again!" She swiped angrily at her cheeks. "It breaks my heart," she whispered under her breath, but he heard.
Bucky looked stricken. "Betty, I don't... Am I missin' somethin'?"
"Always! You're always missin' somethin'," she screamed furiously. "That one. Last. Fuckin'. Thing. Christ, James! You're drivin' me crazy!" She raged, stamping her foot in frustration, with fists clenched so hard her knuckles turned white.
"I don't...Betty, I'm sorry if I upset..., I don't understand..." He looked so sad and confused, shaking his head in shock, that her anger swiftly dissipated.
"I know you don't, and you're probably never gonna." She took a few deep steadying breaths, wiping her hands over her face. "Sorry Bucky, that wasn't fair of me. Of course you need your own space, it's totally understandable." She shook her head. "I really hope you find your peace. You deserve it."
"Betty..." Tell her now, you fuckin' coward, his heart screamed, but his brain wouldn't let the words out of his throat.
"It's OK Buck," she smiled weakly, but he could see behind the mask she put on. "Go, enjoy the river, get some goats or somethin'." She really tried to hold it together but could feel herself starting to crack again. "I gotta go," she mumbled, and then vanished.
Bucky stared at the space she left, rooted to the spot. You made a mistake Barnes, a fuckin' HUGE mistake, he said to himself, but he didn't know how to put it right.
Betty teleported herself to the peak of Mount Bashenga and sat, arms wrapped around her knees, watching the sun traverse across the Wakandan plain. She must have sat there for hours.
"The memories are still there, inside," came Shuri's voice from behind her.
"I'm not sure I believe that anymore," Betty whispered, bitterness tainting her words.
"All this time, you have been there for him. All this time," Shuri said, taking a seat next to her. "You have never seemed like one to give up."
"Maybe it's not givin' up. Maybe it's lettin' go."
"I have an idea that might give his memory a little kick, and it will kill two birds with one stone," Shuri said softly, "but it will take some work..."
* * * * * *
He didn't see Betty again before he left, her absence a gaping void. Every time he thought about running to find her the insidious voice in his head would whisper, she needs someone better than you, someone not broken, someone who can make her happy, and it would stop him in his tracks. The first night he spent in the hut was the worst he'd had in weeks. He barely slept, and when he did he'd dream of Betty and the look on her face. He knew he was missing something; he just couldn't figure out what it was.
Dawn was just breaking, and Bucky sat, bleary-eyed, in one of the wooden chairs in his hut when he heard something outside that wasn't the same as the noises he'd become accustomed to. It sounded like a footstep, but not one of the village kids that liked to pester him. Bucky immediately went on high alert, grabbing his knife from the side of his bed and moved silently to the doorway. He checked the window and couldn't see anything unusual in the dim light of the morning, and the noises of the river village had returned to normal. He slipped through the curtain that covered the doorway and cast around, seeing no-one, only a large wooden box on the path in front of him. He went to one knee to inspect the box, taking another assessment of the area, before flipping his knife around and threading it through his belt. The box was full of books, there must have been at least a hundred of all different genres. Resting on top of them was an old-fashioned brass telescope with a folded tripod stand. He drew in a shaky breath as he spied the note card tucked underneath the telescope. It had his name on the front in a script that looked familiar. He opened it and read the short message inside, his heart warming a little, yet not quite enough.
Bucky, I'm sorry for the way I acted. Your friend always, Betty.