Billy was seriously considering wrapping his car around a tree. As much as he loved his Camaro and would hate to destroy his beautiful baby, Max was pushing him towards it.
He was driving her to the Byers house for a shitty sleepover, with no Neil around to control the situation, Susan had caved and allowed Max to go to the sleepover. Of course Billy still had to drive her, Susan was at work. Steve was going to be there, though he wasn't staying the night of course, Harrington had somewhat become friends with the Henderson kid, so Billy was contemplating sticking around for a few hours, smoke with Harrington, and then he'd leave, maybe go see what Munson was doing.
Max was currently annoying him as he tried to focus on the road, she was singing along to Kate Bush, very out of tune. He'd let her have control of the music just this once, sort of like his apology. He wasn't good at verbalising his emotions, and actions spoke louder than words right? Though it hardly counted as an apology, he would think of something better eventually but in the mean time it was at least a start.
However the horrendous singing was giving him a headache and he was desperately suppressing the urge to snap at her and resort back to being the old Billy. He should get an award for the self control he was showing right now. Harrington would probably be proud.
He lit a cigarette quickly and hung his arm out the window as he smoked it, one hand on the wheel. Max had stopped singing, but now she was babbling away about some shitty nerd game that he really didn't care about. The boys had finally convinced her to play with them.
Billy tuned Max out, keeping his focus on the road, and trying to ignore the churning in his stomach. He felt nauseous-and he didn't want to admit that it was because of guilt.
Last time he was at the Byers things didn't end well. He felt the phantom sting of his knuckles connecting with Steve's face and he gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. He finished his cigarette, throwing it out of the window with a little more force than necessary.
Max looked over, noticing the rigid tension in her step brother's shoulders. A few months ago she would of geared herself up for Billy to explode and scream in her face. Now she was just worried, worried for Billy. She'd gotten better at reading his moods, and he was clearly anxious, it wasn't hard to guess why.
Max knew words would be meaningless to Billy, he didn't want her bullshit reassurance. So she didn't say anything, just lightly bumped her fist against his shoulder, letting him know he wasn't going in alone.
Billy actually smiled slightly, just slightly.
He turned into the driveway and cut the engine. He got out of the car before he could give himself time to chicken out.
Pussy. His dad's voice sneered in his head but he forced it down.
Max followed behind Billy as he knocked on the door, he'd plastered on the usual facade he used to greet the mums of Hawkins. All charm and expertly schooled facial expressions. Flash them that Californian smile, and they were hypnotised. He was like a snake charmer. Keeping the fangs of nosy mother's away from his issues, he didn't need them prying into his life. There was only one thing he wanted from them (and Billy wasn't sure he even wanted that anymore-or if he'd ever really wanted it.)
The nights he'd spent wooing unsatisfied mothers had been a trade, he gave them what they wanted-attention, a night with a younger man who knew how to please them. In return Billy got a few minutes of affection, a soft safe embrace, that reminded him of the mother he missed so much. He knew it wasn't okay. He was younger than some of those mother's children, and having sex with mothers for a few minutes of affection definitely wasn't healthy.
It made Billy laugh, if it wasn't for Steve and Eddie, he never would have realised these things. Steve had comforted him and tended to his wounds without expecting anything from him, despite their previous history.
The night he'd spent with Eddie had opened his eyes. Sex wasn't a trade. It wasn't about one person doing all the work in return for something else. It was an intimate bond, it was supposed to feel good.
It had felt good with Eddie. Billy had felt safe wrapped up in the other's arms, but he couldn't allow himself to get attached. It was a one night stand, nothing more nothing less. Getting attached was dangerous, Billy knew that. He didn't want to drag Eddie into that. So he locked the feelings inside the steel vault in his heart and hid them away.
Joyce opened the door. She was surprised to see Billy, she figured Max would come to the door on her own like usual. Joyce had heard a lot about Billy Hargrove. He didn't exactly have a stellar record. The kids regularly complained about him, max included. She'd heard about how he brutally beat up Steve. Hopper had recounted how many times he'd had to pull Billy over for speeding, and she knew Billy was a notorious guest at all the high school parties in Hawkins. So Joyce knew all about Billy.
Max barrelled past Billy, saying a quick "Hi Ms Byers." As she ran into the living room where the others were.
So much for not being alone, Billy thought to himself, as he was now left to face Joyce alone.
Billy fidgeting awkwardly as he spoke, some of his usual aloof charm fading. "I uh-I was wondering if it was okay for me to hang around for a little while...?" Billy murmured.
Now Joyce knew, anyone who knew what she knew would say no, logically. But Joyce was fond of second chances.
"Alright, but I don't want another fight going on in here. You're old enough to know better, if you have a problem talk it out. Understand?" She said firmly.
Billy nodded, swallowing thickly. Joyce had been firm but not harsh, yet being scolded by her hurt a thousand times more than his father's fists and cruel words. A women so kind and loving, being disappointed in him, it killed. Billy couldn't even bring himself to put on his usual flirting act as he slunk into the living room after Max.
Steve waved when he saw Billy, who awkwardly waved back, hyperaware of the brats staring at him with contempt, minus Will and Max.
Nancy and Jonathon were there too. Steve looked a little put out, Billy couldn't blame him, it had to sting.
The two of them mostly just talked to each other, since they both shared the feeling of discomfort in their current situation.
Things were going okay for awhile, then Mike, always one to argue, decided he wanted to make his displeasure known.
"Why are you even here." He hissed at Billy.
Billy resisted the urge to be a douche and tried to answer as calmly as he could. "Because Shitbird was only allowed to come if I went with her." Billy huffed.
"We don't want you here. You're an asshole."
He huffed.
Billy tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Why did he care? Why did the opinion of a thirteen year old hurt so much?
"Leave him alone, he's trying to be better." Max defended.
"Bullshit, people like that never change. He attacked Lucas!" Mike yelled, the loud noise made Billy flinch and his chest tightened.
Not here. Not now. Billy mentally pleaded.
"Hey, I used to be a douchebag too, but I changed, people can redeem themselves. I'm not saying what he did was okay, but he deserves a second chance." Steve said, laying a hand on Billy's shoulder, giving it a discreet squeeze. He'd picked up the change in body language that signalled the blonde was on the verge of a panic attack.
The contact was grounding and Billy was grateful, not only for that, but also for the fact that Steve had defended him, as had Max. Maybe he wasn't entirely alone anymore.
Mike however wasn't deterred. "He's a pyscho! He beat you up remember? He even smashed a plate over your head."
Billy felt shame burn in his stomach. He stood quickly, heading to the door. Mike scrambled back, and Billy felt even worse, Mike clearly thought Billy was going to hit him.
Billy practically ran out of the door, straight past Joyce who was smoking a cigarette, as he slid into his Camaro and drove away.
Max and Steve listened to the roaring engine and screeching tires with a feeling of dread.
Max rounded on Mike. "What the fuck!" She yelled at him.
"I'm right though! He's a crazy asshole!"
"You don't know what he's going through!" Max retorted. Tears of frustration filling her eyes.
Steve gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "Cmon, let's go look for him." He suggested softly.
Steve and Max headed out to his car. Max looked up at in surprise. "I'm surprised you agreed to go with me..."
"Let's just say, Billy and I sorted out our differences. I guess we're friends now." Steve hummed.
"That's good. He needs friends, actual friends, not the assholes he hangs out with." Max huffed.
Steve smiled, he found it adorable how protective Max was over Billy.
They found Billy at the quarry drinking himself to death-or he seemed to be trying to considering the multiple empty glass bottles lying next to him. Steve quickly approached him and took the half drank bottle away from the blonde earning him a dazed glare.
"Give it back Harrington." Billy muttered as he swayed. There were eight empty bottles already. It hadn't taken Billy long to turn to destroying his body again.
Steve shook his head. "No way, it's barely afternoon, you are not drinking yourself stupid right now. You'll thank me later when you don't have kidney and liver failure at 22." Steve huffed as he cleaned up the bottles while Max helped Billy stumble to Steve's car. They'd have to come back for the Camaro.
Billy slumped against the window, Steve saw his eyes were red and puffy from crying, and there were angry red scratches on his face and forearms. Steve felt his chest constrict as he realised Billy had caused harm to himself.
He wrapped a blanket around Billy's shoulders and drove to his house with Max in the back.
Billy hugged his knees as he sat in the passenger seat, messy blonde curls covering his face.
Steve pulled up in the driveway and helped Billy out of the car, Max scurried to open the door and Steve laid Billy on the sofa.
"Max could you get a glass of water?" He asked.
The redhead nodded and ran to the kitchen, filling a glass with water and bringing it to her brother. Steve grabbed a bucket in case Billy threw up. He cradled the blonde's head as he got him to drink the water. Billy began to cry again.
He didn't deserve this kindness, didn't deserved to be loved and cared for by Steve or by Max. He weakly tried to push away from Steve, barely able to even sit up on his own.
Steve simply pulled Billy closer, not letting the other escape. "It's okay Billy. Let it out. You're safe here remember?" He reassured.
Billy shook his head desperately. "Stop. Stop caring. Please stop caring. I'm not worth it. I don't deserve it. I'm a monster just like him. I'm a fucked up, disgusting, worthless piece of shit...a faggot, a pussy. I don't deserve to be loved. Stop trying to help. Let me die...please just let me fucking die. I can't take it anymore! I c-can't...I ruin everything. Would be better if I was dead, f-for everyone." The blonde sobbed, spiralling into the darkest corners of his mind. The thoughts that usually only emerged when he laid bleeding on the floor, wishing for the solace of death, now plagued him.
Steve was scared. Hearing Billy admit such things, knowing this was how the blonde truly felt about himself, how hurt and broken Billy truly was, it killed Steve. He wanted to take the other's pain away so badly, so he did the only thing he could think of.
He kissed Billy.
He'd completely forgotten Matt was there, who had been stunned to silence by her Brother's admission, her eyes widened as she witnessed the sudden kiss. She was even more surprised when Billy didn't fight it.
Billy didn't fight Steve, he did however let out a small whimper (which he would later deny) at the feeling of Steve's lips against his own. It was a warm and gentle kiss, not the passionate searing heat he'd felt from Eddie, though he enjoyed both.
However he quickly pulled away, when his brain caught up with his heart. "I'm not worth it...you don't want me. I'll just hurt you again. I'll ruin you. You're perfect. You're good, a-nd kind. You care about people-even shitty people like me...I'll just corrupt you. That's all I do. Im a poison. I hurt everyone."
"That isn't true Billy. You made mistakes, yes. What you did wasn't okay, but you were also afraid, you've been abused your whole life, violence is all you've ever known, you built up walls to protect yourself, you had to play the part of the asshole, or your life at home would have been worse. I understand that. I forgive you. You are not a poison, don't let that bastard's words convince you, he's the real monster. I want you Billy. You are good, I know you are, I've seen it. I've seen glimpses of the real Billy, I want to see all of him, the real you." Steve whispered as he tugged his fingers gently through Billy's hair.
They were interrupted by Max clearing her throat. "What the fuck just happened." The redhead breathed, utterly confused.
"Language." Steve mumbled, before looking around awkwardly. "Um...I was trying to comfort Billy..."
Max frowned. "Weird way of comforting someone." She muttered before rounding on Billy, she'd ignore what just happened for now, she was more concerned with Billy's words.
"Billy...you're not a bad person, back in cali you were sweet and caring, still a bit of an ass, but in the usual big brother way. Please don't kill yourself Billy. I want to be siblings again." She whispered
Billy sniffled, roughly rubbing away the tears that ran down his flushed face. Steve quickly stopped him, and wiped the tears away far more gently.
"I want to be myself...but he'll kill me." Billy whispered.
"We won't let that happen. If you make the effort to be yourself, at least while you're out with us, then I promise we'll protect you." Steve hummed as he cupped Billy's cheek.
Billy blushed and didn't meet Steve's eyes. "I'll try."
"Good enough for me. Now, you're staying here tonight, I'm not letting you go home when you're too drunk to stand and defend yourself. I'll take Max back so just try and sleep, there's a bucket in case you throw up."
Billy huffed. "Not gunna be sick. Ain't a lightweight Harrington." He mumbled as he rolled over.
Steve shook his head and covered Billy with a blanket. "Never said you was Hargrove, but just in case."
Max rolled her eyes at the two before moving to hug Billy. "Feel better soon asshole." She muttered.
"Behave yourself shitbird, and stay out of Neil's way, don't antagonise him alright?" Billy looked at her sternly, imploring her to listen to him for once.
"Fine, I won't call him out for being a major dickhead." Max huffed.
"Promise me Maxie. Don't do anything stupid."
"When have I ever done something stupid." Max teased. Earning a glare from Billy. "Nothing stupid. I promise."
Steve drove Max home, then returned to Billy, who true to his word hadn't thrown up yet.
Steve got him some more water. "Here, I don't want you getting dehydrated."
"Thanks pretty boy." Billy hummed as he lifted his head groggily. He sipped the water to try and quell the anxious churning of his stomach-maybe he really would be sick. "So-are we going to talk about the...y'know?" He whispered as he wetted his lips nervously, finger tapping against his glass repetitively. Finger tapping happened to be one of his stims, though he usually repressed such actions, his father didn't approve.
Steve gently took Billy's free hand and held it. "I like you Billy. I know we've only just become friends, so I'm okay with taking things slow, we don't even need to put a label on it. I'm still trying to figure out what I am. I thought I liked girls-and I do...but I think I also like boys. Though the only boy I've really had a crush on is you, and Rob Lowe, but can we count celebrities?" Steve rambled. "Anyway, what I'm saying is, I like you Billy, and whatever this is, whatever you want to call our relationship, I want to keep it going, I want you Billy."
Billy was sure his heart had stopped. He had to be dead. There was no way that perfect king Steve seriously wanted him, but the doe brown eyes staring at him told a different story, and If he was really dead, how did he wind up in heaven, he knew he wasn't good enough for God's white palace.
But Steve was right there. Looking at him with such a soft gaze. Warm hands holding his face. Steve smelled of fabric softener, of safety.
Billy wanted Steve. Usually he'd just take what he wanted without giving a shit. The old Billy would have done that without a second thought.
Now he was nervous. He bit his lip before looking at Steve shyly, blonde curls falling in his face as he nodded. "I want you too. I don't want to put a label on it yet though...I'm not really out."
"That's okay. You can be my unofficial not-boyfriend." Steve chuckled as he kissed Billy's forehead. "C'mon, I'll take you to the guest room so you can rest."
"Can't I sleep with you?" Billy asked.
Steve blanched. "W-What?"
"Fucking hell Harrington, not like that. I just-don't want to be alone..." Billy muttered, cheeks going red.
"Oh..oh. Sure Billy, that's fine." Steve said softly, embarrassed that his mind had gone to such things. Though he'd be lying if said he hasn't thought about Billy in that context. All those moments in the shower with the blonde teasing and taunting him, while naked. It was hard not to think about it in such a way. He quickly shook those thoughts from his head, he couldn't get carried away right now.
He guided Billy to his room, helping the stumbling boy get to the bed. Billy flopped on his back, eyes blinking blearily at the ceiling. Steve shook his head and untied Billy's boots, something he'd forgotten to do earlier.
He grabbed a baggy T-shirt and some sweats from his closet and handed them to the half asleep man laying on his bed. "You get changed in here, I'll go to the bathroom." He said as he grabbed some clothes for himself and entered the en-suite bathroom.
Billy managed to wriggle out of his jeans and slipped the black sweatpants on. He pulled off his shirt, wincing as it brushed against his bruises, before putting on Steve's shirt. It smelled like Steve, like lavender fabric softener, and expensive cologne. He kicked his clothes away from the bed before curling up under the thick quilted blanket.
Steve emerged a few moments later, after asking if Billy was done. He smiled, seeing the blonde curled up under the blanket. He looked-soft. Not a word Steve usually would have used to describe the other, though he was starting to see there was a gentler side to the boy.
Steve climbed into the other side of the bed and looked up at the ceiling.
"You gonna cuddle me or what pretty boy?" Billy half mumbled into his pillow.
"Oh-right. Sorry." Steve murmured as he turned over and wrapped his arms around Billy's waist. Billy let out a sigh of content and closed his eyes. He could get used to this.
Maybe moving Hawkins wasn't as shitty as he thought, maybe he could make things work.