When I was younger, I was always doing things I shouldn't have been. I'd planned out a quest to climb every tree in the gardens which resulted in my ankle spraining on three separate occasions. And a broken arm.
I used to be stupidly impulsive before everything started to change and I moulded to become who I am now. Reserved to display false affections. Elegant and keeping to myself as instinct. Biting my tongue a lot of the time.
You'd think that I'd grow out of the stupid decisions too.
Apparently, I didn't. The first one being trying to help mom last night and it not ending well for me. She was drunk and angry, pushing me into a nearby closet. My jaw took the brunt of the impact and I earned myself a prominent bruise.
The second one being that I forgot to close the door to my room, leading to Leia following me down. Mon had stumbled, stepped on Leia's paw and in a fit, threatened my little girl.
I got Leia safe but her paw was hurt and she was barely to walk on it without limping.
I attempted at rectifying both of these scenarios. My bruise is covered with a good amount of makeup but the next solution, is stupid. Really, really stupid. I couldn't leave Leia in that house alone with my mom who would probably toss her out at the first chance she got. Especially not when she's in a lot of pain and can't walk for herself.
I had to go to school. I wouldn't leave Leia behind to fend for herself.
Ergo, my cat is in my bag.
My cat is nestled in my tote bag and as I stare at myself in the mirror of the school bathrooms, I'm realising that a couple more hours of this might be tricky. And just my luck, I have interviews with college visitors today.
My cat's in my bag. You know, I think I might actually be insane.
No. I lift my chin as I look back at myself. Leia's my girl and no matter what, I'd protect her. Even if that means sneaking her around to ensure her safety. We're okay, me and her. A team that'll make it in the end.
I open up my bag and look down to her, cosied up against a textbook. I smile, even if I'm nervous as heck, "We're perfect. We can get through this, right?"
She just looks up at me, slowly blinking and I take that as a yes, of course, we can get through anything.
After having regained my confidence, I wash my hands and make it out of the bathroom. I'd texted Aurelie earlier but it turns out that her and Taylor are bunking all day today. Good for them. They deserve quality Taurelie time.
Only that leaves me in a sticky situation. I don't know what I'm gonna do with Leia when I have to do that interview soon. It's not much of a big thing, just some counsellors from colleges that'll advise and stuff.
I hold my tote bag close to me as I walk through the halls, making sure I stay far away from people so there's no possibility that they can bump into Leia. She's already hurt and the thought stirs more nerves. I hope she's okay.
I turn down the hallway lined with lockers until I spot a familiar tall frame, clad in a hoodie and black and white converse. His blonde hair peeks out from under his hood as he lazily opens his locker.
My mind runs to an idea. No. I shut it out, not plausible. I look down to Leia and back up to Everest. He will rightfully think I'm insane but what the hell am I supposed to do otherwise?
No, I'm banishing the ridiculous idea, starting to pivot on one foot. Until Everest's head turns and his gaze catches mine, rooting me to the spot. He looks exhausted but still is staring at me like he's ordering me not to run away.
He tilts his head in a gesture for me to come over, sluggishly resting the side of his head against his locker. I look around, making sure not many people are around. I don't need rumours going around about me and him.
I hesitate for a moment more but Leia yawns in my bag and my affection for her easily outweighs my apprehension about this. Walking over, I deduce the way Everest's slumping slightly as if he's finding it difficult to try and peel himself away from the locker.
I get closer and make out the red lined underneath his eyes that are barely staying open.
"Did you drink last night, or today?" I ask, my eyebrows furrowed.
"Just a teeny bit." He turns so his sides against the locker and he's facing me. In all honestly, it looks like he wants to curl up into a ball and fall asleep. Even then, he smiles this tired smile down at me and it makes my stomach fold.
"You day drink?" I ask.
"Teeny bit." Is all he says and the stupid answer starts to irritate me.
"Give me answers if we're doing this. I want to help you. You want to stop. You can't lie to me." I say sternly and his eyes flit open to look down at me. Staying quiet for a moment, he just looks over me with those bright blue eyes.
"I day drink most days but keep it quiet. Nobody knows." He admits, fighting a yawn, "It's not that bad."
"Day drinking's the thing you need to stop first." I say and his eyebrows pinch, like he detests the idea.
"It's just a few sips here and there. That shit's not what I'm worried about." He argues, his tone bordering on defensive.
I've dealt with drunks for most of my life and though they're not like Everest, I understand that a lot of the time, they won't realise just how bad they can get. Or they're getting. If somebody tries to take Grayson's alcohol, he'll turn horribly cruel. If you antagonise mom, she'll hurt you until she feels any sort of relief.
It alters a person. Their moods, their attitudes and their perspectives. A disease that wreaks silent havoc on yourself and those around you until everything's unsteady and spirits start to change under its cloud. Resolves wane and people fade from who they once were.
I've always wished I could have saved mom from it. That I could've stopped Grayson before he started drinking so much. I look at Everest now and I see a kid that's hiding more than he wants to let on to the people around him. He's the light, able to cause a room to smile in a second but when you're hurting yourself, it becomes so much easier to spot it in another person.
He's hurting. And maybe, I can help him. When I've failed most other people in my life.
"Give me your flask." I say.
"No." He says it immediately, "I'm not gonna stop day drinking. That's not the aim. I just want to stop bingeing so much at parties, Violet."
"Drinking daily is a habit. It's only going to get worse so if anything, that's what you need to break first." I snap and he quietens. I didn't mean to sound so harsh but I don't back down, holding my hand out for his flask.
He doesn't give in, looking tortured over the decision. So I soften my tone, "No matter how hard it feels, somewhere deep down, you want to stop. It's-" I pause, keeping my eyes on him, "It's hard to keep that voice strong when it's drowned out by other things. So I'm speaking for that voice now. I'm the living embodiment." I lift my chin.
"I've always thought that voice to be really annoying." His lips lift a little.
"Oh, you're in for it. I'm gonna exceed its annoyingness. Just you wait." I smile wide now and it encourages his own smile to come out.
He shakes his head as he looks at me with his tired eyes, quiet, "You're something, Violet Fawn."
"Brilliant, I know. Now give me your flask." I hold my hand out and he lifts the strap of his backpack over one shoulder and unzips it, digging in until he picks up his metal black flask. I take it from him and slide it in my bag, away from Leia and between a textbook.
Speaking of Leia.
"So." I shift on my feet and clear my throat, "I have a truth."
He narrows his eyes and looks down to my feet, how I'm rocking back and forth, "Uh oh."
"It's nothing." I scoff and then swallow, "I was just wondering if you had an allergy to cats."
"What the fuc-"
"Just answer." I roll my eyes and he leans against the locker again.
"I don't have an allergy to pussies, no." He smirks at that.
"Very funny. Did you ever come out of middle school, Everest Ronan?" I peruse, leaning against the lockers also.
"Pretty sure my brain's still back there. My dick's all caught up, don't fret." He says right back, "Tell me your truth."
I don't know how I'm gonna say this without sounding like a lunatic so I clasp my hands together. Just blurt it, Vy.
"Mycatsinmybag." I say it all in one, rushed breath.
Everest blinks flatly, "I'm not fluent in minion."
I take a deep breath, "My cat's in my bag."
His eyebrow rises so I'm quick to explain, "Her name's Leia and she's the second best girl in the world and she's hurt. Her paw's hurt and she couldn't walk. So I kept her with me and I have an interv-"
Everest's little laugh breaks from him now as he runs a hand over his eyes, as if trying to wake himself up, "Hold on. Are you trying to tell me that you brought a pussy to school?"
"Stop calling it that." I glare and his lips have curved upwards into a grin that looks so much like admiration, "Cat. Or Leia."
"Why didn't you leave Cat Leia at home?" He asks, still fighting a stupid grin.
"She's-" I falter, trying to think of an excuse, "She has separation anxiety. I didn't want to leave her when she's hurt. Hey, don't laugh at me. I don't know if she's okay."
"Okay. Sorry." He says, settling his smile and trying to look serious, "Relax. Can I see her?"
"If you call her ugly, I will maim you." I warn, holding my tote bag close. Absently, he crosses his heart to promise so I slowly open up my tote bag and scoot forwards so nobody catches a glimpse. I look over my shoulder-
"Who are you looking for? The pussy FBI? As much as I'd love to be, we're not in a spy movie." He quips from right above me now that I've gotten so close to him in order to keep Leia a secret.
I scowl at his crude language and open up the tote bag so he can look down and catch a glimpse. She's curled up, tail wrapped around my pencil case.
I watch Everest's face twist into a grimace and he slowly turns to look at me.
"Your cat looks like a nutsack."
With that, I shut my bag so he can't see her and make my glare very apparent. I turn away from him and start walking, away from my now enemy. Anybody who badmouths Leia is on my shit list. Especially like that.
Everest laughs and I hear him catch up to me, calling out, "Vy! Come on, I'm kidding-"
"Get away, scum of the Earth." I turn the hallway corner.
"Scum of the- don't break my heart, baby." He keeps walking after me and I keep speeding up, "I'm sorry," He's still laughing between his words, "Okay, if anything she...looks more like a wrinkly dick. Not a nutsack."
"Scum. Of the Earth." I reiterate. Anyone who can call such a wonderful creation like a cat a nutsack deserves to be shunned from all of society.
"Violet, if you don't turn around, I will use brute sexy force." He singsongs and I don't look back to him, even though I know he's close, "I'm being serious. I will deploy my sexy arms if you don't turn around to me."
Yeah right. I make a point to keep walking even if I desperately want to look over my shoulder. I can hear the smile in his voice and there's a part of me that's itching to turn around and catch a glimpse of those smile lines.
Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong-
Just as I feel a pair of arms start to wrap around my legs from behind, I gasp and yell, "I yield! Okay, do not lift me."
My feet are just lifted off the ground and I'm sat on his shoulder as he's crouched. He can easily stand and I'll be as high as the ceiling above, with witnesses around us.
"Say you're not gonna run." He challenges, not letting go of his brace around my legs.
"I don't particularly want to stay in the company of scum-" He starts to lift me, "No! Okay. No running. I swear it."
The bell for next period rings out loudly and Everest sets me down. I run a hand through my hair, "Crap. I need to-" I can't possibly take Leia with me to the interview I have now. I'm so freaking stupid. All I wanted was to keep her safe.
Everest turns me around and raises an eyebrow, "You're thinking too much."
"What?" My eyebrows pinch.
"You're thinking too much and it's making you breath faster." He says gently and I glance down to the escalating rise and fall of my chest. God, I feel so stupid. Who can't control their breathing because they don't know where to relocate their cat?
"I'll take her." Everest proposes and I look up to him accusingly. He called her a nutsack/wrinkly dick a few moments ago. "I can ditch next class and I'll keep her safe." He says, a seriousness to his tone that I don't miss.
As serious as I can sound, I tell him, "You have to keep her safe. She's-"
"She's your girl. The second best girl in the world." He smiles a little and then looks me in the eye, "I won't let anything happen to her. It's an Everest Jones promise. I never break those."
He holds out his pinky. As crazy as it might seem, I trust him. He's too much of a softie to ever hurt Leia.
I twine my pinky with his and quickly say, "She's not good with new people. And if she starts meowing a lot, hold her to your chest if she lets you."
"Got it." He says and as people populate the halls and start to make their way to classes, me and Everest are trading my cat to his bag. Everest moves so his back is to me, shielding me from everyone else's view.
Swiftly, I lift up Leia and unzip Everest's backpack. Setting her in there, I relax when I see how comfortable she becomes immediately. I scratch behind her ears for just a second before I zip it up, leaving some air so she can breathe and Everest can hear her if something's up.
I tap his shoulder so he turns around, "If you break your Everest Jones promise and something happens to her, you also break my heart."
I mean it with all of my heart. He sees that and doesn't laugh. Instead he plants a hand besides my head on the locker and I become acutely aware of the position I've found myself in. He is everywhere, barricading me from anything.
He leans down until his ruffled blonde hair brushes my forehead, from under his hood, "I wouldn't dream of it. Now go before you miss it, nerd. Cat Leia's safe with me."
I flush. Desperately wanting to stay underneath him like this, where I'm encased and hidden. And where he's close enough that I can't think about anything but him.
He steps away from me and I slip past. I glance over at him as I start to walk down the halls with the rest of the students and he smiles. I hide my own before I look away from him.
I just left my cat with Everest Jones. In school. I can only hope that he upkeeps his promise.
Everest.
I lied. This is my sixth fucking sneeze and I think my eyes have started swelling.
I've had a mild allergy to cats since I was a kid. It's not awful, it's just sneezing so I can bear it and I will, for Violet. The way she talked about Leia like she was being stabbed in her chest to think of her cat being unsafe did something to my measly little heart.
I think Violet's doing something to my measly little heart.
Because whilst I could be irritating Mrs Roscelli in Spanish, I'm instead sat against a wall around the back of the school with a nutsack cat against my knees. I propped up my legs and she's curled up against them nicely.
I play with her arms gently and she lets me, a blunt sitting between my lips that I haven't lit yet. Does passive smoking affect cats too? I don't wanna suffocate the ugly thing.
There's no doubt that it's one ugly cat. Hairless and skinny with blue eyes. She should work on growing some fur but I kinda like her the way she is. I have a long scratch down the length of my arm because we...didn't get along at first. This little shit's obsessed with me now though. You might as well call me her daddy.
"Isn't that right, ugly?" I coo and she curls up around my hand when I rub her belly, gently pawing at my fingers, "You've warmed up to me, huh?"
She nips at my fingers with her teeth but not violently. She's being playful and it brings a little smile to my lips. I've always preferred dogs but I think cats might be cool too.
And to think of Violet with this little thing, probably protecting it with her life, makes my smile rise higher. Most thoughts to do with Violet Fawn tend to bring a smile to my face and I'm still trying to grasp how that shouldn't be the case. How it scares me and all at once, I like it.
I feel like a fucking wimp but so be it if it means I get her company. I like her. God, I like her. It feels like a pot stirring at my insides, trying to bubble over and I want to scream it out. But I can't because we can't be...anything and we have to keep it a secret. Whatever the fuck we're doing.
I don't care. But it's there whenever Violet's by my side. I don't give a fuck who says what. I really like this girl.
When I think of her head tilted up to look at the moon, her legs dangling beside mine on a windowsill. Or how perfectly she fit between my legs. When she'd stood tall above me, recklessly smiling.
"You can sense emotions, right?" I ask Leia as she licks her paw.
I rub behind her ears, "Can you also sense if I still have a fucking brain in there, ugly? I think it's made a departure."
Leia doesn't answer so the results are inconclusive. I pick her up and set her down atop my backpack besides me. Pulling out a lighter, I let the end of the blunt burn orange and take in a deep drag. I make sure I blow out the thick smoke in the opposite direction, keeping my eyes shut as it burns my throat.
It's weird that I can't just reach into my bag and pull out my flask. I keep it hidden most of the time anyways. It's not like I drink from it excessively but Luca and Ria would probably make a bigger deal out of it than it is.
Which is why I want to keep this whole thing away from them. I adore them both. The closest thing I'll ever have to family but they've always protected me. Especially Luca; I'm like a fragile vase he wants to keep safe a lot of the time.
If he figured out I want to stop drinking, he'll beat himself up about not ever thinking I have a problem. And then he'll take it seriously. It'll be like fucking rehab or something and if anything, I don't want that.
I want to do this on my own accord. I want to just see if I can be better. I want to prove it to myself but roping others into it is unnecessary.
Asides from Violet, I guess.
Violet with the green eyes. Violet with the deadly, deadly smile for my fragile, measly little heart.
I take another deep drag and flit my eyes open. Looking up, the clouds shadow slightly and-
Why is there no cat on my backpack?
Oh. Oh fuck.
Hurriedly, I lift the backpack as if she'd be under it and then scour all the ground around me but spot her nowhere. My heart jumps to my stomach as I scramble up from the floor, converse scuffling as I throw my backpack over my shoulder, "Shit, shit, shit. Leia!"
There are a few dumpsters and empty space so I scan every bit. I search around the dumpster and lean in towards it, "Leia, come on, you ugly shit! Don't do this to me! Come on."
I crouch and look under the dumpsters. I spin and look everywhere but she's nowhere. I'm quick on my feet, hurrying around the corner which leads to the parking lot. You've got to be fucking kidding me. If she's somewhere in this massive expanse, I'm never gonna find her.
An image of a panicky, teary-eyed Violet floats into my mind and I have to pinch my eyes shut to get rid of it. Oh, for fucks sake. I'm finding this stupid nutsack.
So I scour every bit of the car park, which is pretty fucking large, may I add. I crouch and walk to look under any cars and hurry around every corner and realise I look like a doofus. Nothing.
I recheck the car park twice before I'm a little out of breath and coming to terms with the fact that she's not anywhere here. Looking to the main doors, I contemplate checking inside. She could've somehow made it in there if the door was open, right?
Right. Fuck. Okay, yeah, we'll find her. You can do this, Everest. Find the nutsack and do not let teary-eyed Violet enter your mind.
I push open the main doors and spend the next fifteen minutes searching like I'm out of my mind.
I get scolded by Nurse Edna when I fling open the door, having thought I saw Leia's tail. It was just a roll of bandage and at that point, I begin to realise that anything to do with Violet might be the source of my insanity.
Principal Banning shot me glares when I just walk in without warning, look around his room, wave him off because I'm too out of breath and walk back out. I barge into two classrooms and have been threatened with detention both of those times.
I've searched every hall and every crook and now, I'm doing it again. What if I've lost her fucking cat? That little thing is precious as shit and I only met her today. I might just run away. That'll be better than facing teary-eyed Violet and telling her I broke her Everest Jones promise. Which according to her, means I also broke her heart.
I would gladly swig some alcohol right now. I don't think I've ever been so stressed in my life.
I keep my feet walking and stalk into the library again, even though I've searched this place already. Crouching high and low, I outright gasp when I spot a familiar black head of hair and walk over to Ria, sat at a table.
She doesn't notice me at first, headphones in and textbooks around her. A flannel's wrapped loosely around her arms, a pen in between her teeth.
I slam my hands down on the desk, almost toppling over because sheesh, I am fucking tired. Even sex doesn't take this much of my stamina. Stupid ugly cat. Ria doesn't flinch but instead glares right up at me with her sharp eyes. Slowly, she takes one headphone out of her ear and I don't let her curse me out-
"A cat." I breathe, "Ugly, hairless cat. Aria Romano, please tell me you've seen an ugly cat."
She just flatly blinks at me, like this is any ordinary thing and she can't be bothered. I don't blame her.
"Cat! I need to know if you've seen nutsack cat because I can't take teary-eyes." I urge irritatedly, sounding insane and out of breath. Not my fault she doesn't get it.
She slowly tilts her head, "I'd have thought it'd at least take a few years before the weed started frying your brain. Lucky you. It came early, darling."
I groan, "Ria-"
"Leave Ria be. Before Ria kicks your nutsack." She smiles bitterly, putting her headphone back in.
I flick her head, out of spite.
As soon as she looks up to me, I spin on my feet and subtly bolt in the other direction before she can do something like sock me in the stomach.
I yank my hood over my head and pull the strings so it scrunches up over my face, slumping atop a beanbag in the corner. I'm going to wallow in darkness. In shame. I will never make an Everest Jones promise again. In fact, maybe I should just change my whole fucking name. Everest Jones never broke a promise. I have. I am no Everes-
Something's licking my hand.
I freeze up, completely still and pray to the heavens, "Please." I beg, "Holy shit, please-"
Another little lick to my hand and I scramble to get my tightened hood off. Pulling it down, I spot ugly nutsack leaning against my hand and I literally kneel before her. Oh my fuck.
I snatch her up and lift her high. And then I hold her right close to my chest where she nestles immediately. The relief that runs through me shouldn't feel this fucking big. I am a free man. I have acquired the nutsack. I could kiss the ground right now.
"I hate you with my whole heart, you disgusting shit." I repeatedly kiss her head and then I flop back onto the beanbag, grinning as Leia lies atop my chest, "No teary-eyed Violet."
I sneeze but I couldn't give less of a shit.
Somebody kicks my side and I look up to Ria, my smile still bright when she raises an eyebrow at me, "Why the fuck did you just perform the Simba ritual from Lion King?"
I don't care how weird it may have looked to her or anyone. I stand and hold Leia close to me, smacking a kiss on Ria's head in contentment.
"What are you doing?" She tenses.
I smile and sigh, "I have acquired the nutsack cat."
With that, I walk out with ugly cat safely in my arms. Disaster has been avoided, order has been restored and I'm still the coolest man on Earth.
I can still say that I never break an Everest Jones promise.
Violet.
"So where are you guys?" I ask Aurelie as I walk down the hallway, my phone to my ear as I've just finished the interview.
"We fucked in his car. And then we fucked in his bed and now we're in said bed." She replies.
My eyes widen and then I grimace, "Ew. Is Taylor naked right now?"
"Very naked." I hear the slight smile in her voice and I shake my arms out to the side, getting the heebie jeebies. Taylor's always felt like a brother to me. I don't want to imagine that at this very moment, his penis is out.
"How was your interview thing?" She asks but sounds a little preoccupied, telling by her little laugh and the rustling of the sheets.
"It was...fine." I say and get it over with, "I'm gonna let you have sex. Thanks for checking in."
"I love you." She says, sends me kisses and I fight a smile as I hang up.
I slide my phone into my bag and walk down the halls, trying to see if I can spot Everest. My nerves are at an high even though I trust that he kept Leia safe. I just want to see her. I never really leave her with another person.
I spot a few of his soccer friends and in the midst of them, I spot Ollie. A sweet sophomore that I helped tutor at one point. Hesitantly, I approach him and when he sees me, he breaks away from his group and smiles down at me.
"Hey! Violet." He beams.
"Hey, Ollie." I smile back, shifting on my feet.
"It's been so long. You know I'm acing Chemistry now? Solid A." He lifts his chin, nodding.
"The impossible's possible." I quip and his smile rises higher, "Did you end up getting your girlfriend that present?"
"She loved it." He says in appreciation and then dramatically bows, "Thank you, my advisor. All props to you."
I fake a curtesy, "No problemo."
Ollie has the gentlest heart. I tutored him for Chemistry and he would talk to me about his girlfriend. They'd been best friends since childhood and their anniversary was coming up.
She said she wants to travel the world one day so me and Ollie brainstormed between study sessions. I came up with the idea of a camera, so she can document and one of those maps where you scratch off all the places you've been.
"Hey, Vy." I hear and look behind me as Darius approaches, standing behind me. Also a sweetheart.
I smile, "My tutees are all grown up."
They share a laugh and Darius reaches out a hand to ruffle my hair. I straighten it whilst he leans against a locker, "Steady B in American History."
"I'm proud." I say, offering smiles to them both, "I was- do you know where Everest is? I was looking for him."
"Oh, ho, ho. No, you gotta clear this up, Violet Amory." Darius muses, eyebrow raised, "You and Everest?"
"No." I answer, as nonchalant as I can, "We're just- I'm tutoring him too."
Not yet but it's not exactly a lie.
"Oh." Ollie frowns now, eyebrows pinched, "What? I was heavily rooting for it. Imagine. Cos Everest would be mad for you and it'd be all cute and I know it. I'm betting he falls. Wanna bet?" He turns to Darius
"No cos I'm rooting for it too." Darius furrows his eyebrows at Ollie like it's a challenge, whilst I stare dumbfounded.
"I didn't know you were hopeless romantics." I cut in.
"Apparently the whole team is." Ollie raises an eyebrow, "Ever since Victoria started spreading rumours about the two of you, we were rooting for it. You're our tutor mom and he's the shameless stupid idiot. Match made in heaven. We also wanna see Everest crazy for someone so we have something to hold over his head."
Did he just say tutor mom? I've tutored most of the soccer team and they're all weirdly softies at heart. Parker baked cookies for his mom's birthday and I gave him a good recipe. Samson and I put up anti-bullying posters one time because he had to do some sort of campaign. With hard work, Isiah and Cyrus stopped failing their science subjects.
I never really thought they saw me as anything but that one person who tutored them one time.
"Everest's on the bleachers." Ollie says, "Go make him fall in love with you."
"Madly in love." Darius adds as I start to walk backwards.
I deadpan, "I will not be doing that. Goodbye."
"Yeah, right!" Ollie calls out.
"Go, Vy!" Darius chimes in and I have to fight a smile as I push open the main doors and start to make my way to the bleachers.
It doesn't take me long before my shoes are padding against the newly trimmed grass and I'm looking over the bleachers. I spot a figure in the distance so I climb the metal stairs and start walking across.
As I get closer, I feel a grin split my lips. A full blown, insane grin that lights up the insides of my stomach. I clamp my lips closed so I stay quiet and ensure that every footfall of mine is gentle.
Everest's curled up on the bleacher. Leia's curled against his chest. Both of them are fast asleep.
He looks so tall next to Leia, one arm curved around her to shelter her from falling off the bleacher and his hood up. His backpack acts as his pillow and I take in the sight of him, how delicate all his features look when he's asleep. A long scratch spans down his arm so I'm assuming they had some difficulty at first but now, Leia's chin is resting on his cheek and her body curled against his chest.
I'm pretty sure he should be in the middle of practice. Distantly, I hear the referee's whistle and a few guys from the team training.
Instead here he is, adorably asleep with my cat and having upheld his promise to me. I shouldn't feel this sudden urge of adoration, to just wanna hold his face and kiss his cheeks until he's grinning. Right now, I do.
Cautiously, I sit myself down on the bleacher besides his head. The metal creaks slightly and it causes Leia to turn her head to the side, so she's tucked against Everest's neck. His tired eyes start to flutter open.
Almost immediately, he spots me and doesn't blink in surprise or furrow his eyebrows or get up. Instead, he smiles because he's still lazily tired and then drapes an arm over my lap, curling his hand on the outside of my thigh to keep me close, "No teary-eyes."
I have no clue what that means. If I could, I'd capture how beautiful he looks. Effortlessly and with abandon. I think beautiful's true to Everest Jones and I don't mean solely his face.
I lean over him slightly and rub Leia's jaw. She purrs in satisfaction and so I bend to kiss her. In the spur of the moment, I just have to turn my head slightly to kiss Everest's jaw that's close, in thanks.
His hand around my thigh tightens and when I lift up, his eyes are shut. A smirk slowly starts to curve at his lips and when he languidly speaks next, his voice is a rasp, "Kiss me. Don't taunt me."
"Thank you for keeping her safe."
His throat bobs, "Oh, I kept her so safe. Perfect. It was honestly a very smooth ride."
I smile, "I was wondering if you wanted to start tutoring. I have free time and there's a Statistics test next week."
"No." He mumbles, his arm staying around me as he turns to get comfortable.
"What do you mean no? You want to stay on the team, right?" I furrow my eyebrows down at him. I ruffle a hand through his hair to try and get him to open his eyes, "Wake up. Come on, Ev."
His eyes open now, wide.
What? I didn't do anything weird there. Right?
He cranes his neck so he's looking up at me, "You called me Ev."
I flush, "I can call you Mr Jones, if you want."
"Call me whatever you like." He muses and his smile is loopy and tired, "Ev's cool. Yeah. Chill."
I look down to him, his hand curved on the inside of my thigh. We both know it's there. Neither of us make a move to stop it. Don't run away, Vy.
"Tutor me like this." He shuts his eyes again, "I promise I'm listening. My brain's very alive right now and I'd cross my heart if ugly wasn't occupying my chest."
I narrow my eyes at the ugly nickname but oddly, it sounds like his term of endearment. I don't think I've ever heard ugly being directed at something so sweetly.
He lifts an arm and pulls the backpack out from underneath his head. Without hesitation, he scoots over until his head's in my lap as I'm pulling out a textbook. My entire body flushes and he smiles like he knows it.
"People are around." I mumble. I start to flick open the textbook, thumbing through the pages to get to the right one.
"You're just tutoring me. And I need to see the textbook somehow." He acts oblivious, smirking, "So what are we doing today, teach?"
His hand starts to rise higher. I ignore it, "Confidence intervals. That okay?"
"You look a little stressed." He tilts his head as if inspecting, "I wouldn't want you messing up my education because of any distractions. Is something the problem?"
"No. I have no problem." I retort, "I'm a great tutor. No distractions."
He muses, "Go ahead then."
I narrow my eyes but angle the textbook downwards so he can see from his position, "So a confidence interval is the mean of...your est- of your estimate," I think his hand's rising higher, "Plus or minus the variation in...Everest." I scold.
"Keep going, teach." He urges, this edge to his voice that makes my stomach flip.
"It's just another way to describe probability." His hand returns and I know he's trying to pull a reaction from me so I do my best not to give it, "It's the range of values you expect-"
His thumb starts to make slow circles and I stop talking momentarily. When his hand creeps up, I force myself not to give in, "The range of values you expect your estimate to fall into. It's usually-"
My hands clench into fists around the textbook, "It's usually one minus the alpha value you used in your statistical— Everest." It comes out more uncertain, more breathless than I intended. I'm fighting the urge to tilt my head back from this feeling.
I've never done this. Never felt so...flustered.
"One minus the alpha value." He says dazedly, as if to prove he was listening.
This shouldn't- it should stop. Right here, right now. Stop it, Violet.
Feel the thrill, Violet.
I keep my focus solely on the textbook and not down to him, even when his hand is now a lot closer to a dangerous spot. This is unfamiliar territory and I'm frozen, caught between the what ifs and the way my thighs want to squeeze together.
When I try to, his hand braces my thighs apart.
I wrap my fingers around his wrist, stopping him there. I don't know and it's making my mind spin, a tornado I can't grasp under my control.
"Vy." His voice is rugged. My thighs press together but this time his hand's caught between them.
"Yeah?" My voice is only a notch above a whisper, looking down to the sight.
This can't be happening. The initial plan was to keep Everest Jones well away from you, Violet.
He shakes his head lightly, "You're so fucking sensitive. To every little touch and it's killing me." I let my thighs open, testing, so his hand can trail upwards, "Have you never had anybody touch you like this?"
I feel like he's corrupting me, tearing down the foundations of delicacy that my family's built me to be. If I was so proper and perfect, my mind wouldn't be so desperate for his hand to go higher. To do something, anything.
"Ev-"
"Tell me, sweetheart." His arm slides up from between my legs, up my torso until he can span his fingers across the underside of my jaw. He tilts my head down so I can see him.
My eyebrows are pinched and my cheeks flushed and at the sight of me, he shakes his head, "Fuck."
"It never feels good." I admit to him.
"When they touch you?" He asks and I don't answer.
In an instant, he lifts from my lap and pulls me onto his when he sits on the bleacher. My back's to his chest. I melt into the position, quicker than I did on that windowsill, "Who's touched you?"
I've never had an official boyfriend but I've dated a couple times. I hate the whole ordeal. Dating and the awkward kissing and getting to know each other.
When the whole thing feels forced, it makes me want to crawl back into my shell. So I do, more comfortable in my own company than anybody else's.
Most guys are ones of high society families that see me at events and fancy dinners. They wear polo shirts and are mommy's boys that have have moral compasses as twisted as can be. They plaster on perfect grins to hide how horrible they are on the inside.
And when they kiss me or try to do stuff, I always feel like nothing but a pawn. Used for their pleasure whilst they hold no regard for me. So, yeah, it never feels good and I gave up trying to find somebody that does.
I've never felt the way all of my nerves jumpstart, like they do when Everest touches me. When he kissed me, I wanted more. I wasn't waiting for it to stop because it felt so exhilarating.
Now, as his hand starts to slowly slide up my skirt again and I look down to watch it disappear, that feeling comes back. The invigoration I'm so unfamiliar to but he makes me feel so effortlessly.
The initial plan has gone to shit.
"Ex-boyfriends?" He asks.
I shake my head, feeling his cold fingers on my skin.
"You have no idea how good I could make you feel, Violet." He says, this raw desperation seeping through his voice, "How perfect it'd be to watch you fall apart."
"People." I tilt my head back and gasp when his hand reaches higher, stroking my inner thigh just besides my underwear. Oh my god. I've never— I grasp his forearm that's secured around my stomach, trying to steady myself.
"Nobody's watching." His lips are at my ear, "Nobody but me, sweetheart."
His knuckle strokes over my underwear and my thighs snap together out of my control, trapping his hand there. My fingers dig into his arm and he leans down, "Breathe easy for me, Vy. Or do you wanna tell me how wet you are instead of me checking?"
My head falls back to his shoulder, "Ev. I want-"
He kisses my neck, urging me to speak. I surprise myself.
"More. I want more."
"Open your thighs for me, sweetheart." He whispers it against my neck, "It's alright. I've got you safe."
Slowly, I let them fall open and arch against his chest. I can feel the wetness against my panties and I know he can feel it too. This is bad. Careless and rash and really stupid of us because we're on the bleachers, a whole soccer field in front of us. But we can't bring ourselves to sto-
"Ev!"
My eyes snap open and Everest quickly retrieves his hand from underneath my skirt. His chin's on my shoulder when we both snap our gazes to the side.
I'm not sure who it is but telling by how tall he is, I'm guessing it's Luca. Besides him, I make out another guy that I can definitely deduce because of the black jacket around his arms.
All at once, my stomach sinks and I float back down to reality. Reality. The air becomes so thick with tension that it's suffocating. I'm breathing heavy.
Fuck.
I shoot up off of Everest's lap and look around for Leia. I find her under the bench, sat on Everest's backpack and I pick her up in a rush, lifting my bag onto my shoulder. My cheeks are flushed and my legs feel shaky and I-
Everest stands and grasps my arm to keep me still, "Don't run from me like this, Vy. Not right now."
"Your friends are waiting." I avoid his eyes as I slip out of his hold.
"Violet-"
"Your friends are waiting and I need to go." I say harsher and his expression darkens.
"I don't care that they're fucking waiting." He says back, "I care that you're okay. So just- hold on-"
"I'm not for you to take care of." I get out of his hold again and I already regret the way I've snapped. I just need out of here but my feet feel rooted to the spot for this moment where a torrent of emotions run through his eyes, anguished.
"You know what it feels like? When you flee every time I touch you?" He asks now, stepping closer. I can't move, can't comprehend anything other than the sudden hurt in his eyes.
"It makes me feel disgusting. Like I shouldn't have been. Like I'm disgusting for doing it. If you don't want me to, I understand. Of course I fucking will but you're messing with my head, Violet."
"And you're messing with mine!" I yell, the two of us close. I look away and run a hand through my hair, a bitter laugh leaving me.
I look back to him, this anger and confusion emanating off of me, "We won't have to worry about it. You won't have to touch me again."
I slip past him, Leia in my arms.
"I trust you." He breathes out just as I'm about to rush away, "But you don't. You don't trust me."
I pinch my eyes shut. My back to him. I don't know. I don't know anything so I rush across the bleachers and down the staircase.
Leia slips back into my bag and I try to compose my breathing, even when I hear Everest distantly yell, "Fuck!" And then a clang, like he hit the metal bleachers. I keep walking on trembling legs until I pass Hudson and Luca.
Luca leans against a bleacher, flicking a zippo lighter on and off. Hudson stands by him and their eyes catch me as I pass. They're terrifying to look at and so I avoid them, hurrying past.
I can't comprehend what just happened. I don't want to. I want to hide from it all and him and think about anything else but as I'm walking, I hear someone catch up to me.
"Wait up!"
I glance over my shoulder to see Hudson. I definitely do not wait up. I actually walk a little faster because he's sort of very scary.
"I'm not- fucking hold on." He catches up to me and stands in front of me so I'm blocked from walking forwards, "Are you good?"
I don't get why he's asking. I need to get away from here before Everest catches up.
"I'm asking because you look upset and I'm a dude with morals. That's all." He holds up his hands, his gaze harsh but I don't think that's personal. I think he just looks like that to most.
"I'm fine. Thank you."
I move to walk past him but he stops me.
I'm trying not to have a panic attack and my body's desperate to find some sort of refuge. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what I'm doing and why it feels like I'm losing something I don't want to lose.
I know nobody saw but my whole life, I've felt like I'm under a microscope. Unrelentingly spotlighted and scrutinised by opinions. I've moulded to become what other people want me to be and it feels as if no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to let go of it.
Aurelie always tries to reaffirm that I'm not failing anybody, just by being a kid. Letting people in shouldn't be so terrifying.
So why does it feel like it?
I want to trust him. But trusting people has become so hard when everyone hurts me, one way or another.
"You seemed mad. At him." He says, "Everest's stupid. He's stupid but he means well. I think-"
"It wasn't Everest." I cut him off, "If anyone deserves to be mad here, it's him."
"So...it's your fault?" He raises an eyebrow, deep blue eyes seeming confused. I grow more restless to leave from this situation and he hones in on it, "Okay. I just-"
He looks like he wants to say something he doesn't know how to voice. Confusions runs through me because I don't know him. I don't know what he could possibly want to say to me that makes him look so conflicted.
He looks away from me now, like he's backtracking, "Never mind. I just wanted to make sure you're fine."
"Thank you." I say and slip past him without another word.
Will I ever be more than the world I so desperately seek to escape? Or is this all I am? Just like my mother has always been, how my brothers will probably be.
Trapped. So constantly. Until there's no room for me to breathe and I'm buried and voiceless with nowhere to go. A harrowing tunnel with no end and no escape route, that I'm forced to survive in.
Is this all I am?