Euronymous stared up at the ceiling, his eyes focused on a small speck of brown on one of the tiles. Beside him still was Vanessa, now sound asleep after over an hour of crying together.
The whole situation was horrible. Dead was probably sitting in a cell planning on how to kill him next and he couldn't even blame him if that was the case. Everything was his fault. He knew the plan from the start and could have easily spoken up or warned Dead in the first place.
Coward.
He felt himself cringe. He wasn't wrong though. He was nothing but a coward for letting it happen at all.
Of all things to help him with...
The thought stuck out. Of all things for Varg to do, why that? He had asked before why Varg didn't just kill her if he wanted to get revenge, but the man only ever said it wasn't about ending her life. Only ending what could be.
The words had his stomach twisting and turning. He couldn't remember what happened after he tried getting Varg away from her, everything was just a black hole and it was driving him crazy. Had he really hurt her that badly?
It shouldn't even be a question. He was out for blood.
Taking a look out the window beside him, Euronymous could see the faint light of the sun coming up behind the trees.
Should really try and sleep for a while.
His eyes closed, mind racing with different outcomes of what could have happened if he had just said something or not agreed to this stupid plan at all. Dead would never trust him again...
Dead...
The vocalist's face flashed through his mind as he tried imagining his face when they found Vanessa with Varg. Speaking from experience, the look he pictured was most likely nothing compared to what it actually had been.
After what felt like a few minutes Euronymous opened his eyes. This time, the sun was over the trees and the clock beside the bed read ten minutes after seven. Two and a half hours he had laid there, not quite awake but not asleep.Euronymous took a deep breath, then another and then another. A state of calm returned to their mind for a moment. It helped only a small bit, but the angry voice of Dead still rang through his mind. His entire body was trembling now, the calm he had felt just a moment ago now gone as quickly as it had come. One deep breath followed another as he tried to tune it out, yet it continued to grow louder.
The muscles in his back felt tight when he tried to move, almost painful, as a cold sweat began to run down the back of his neck. Dead would surely kill him once he was let out.
"Are you ok?" Vanessa asked quietly.
"Yeah."
The lie came out too quick for it to be believable.
"You're a bad liar," she tried to joke.
Euronymous scoffed. "I'm an even worse friend."
The room was silent a moment before she shook her head. "You're not a bad friend."
"Yes, I am. I knew what he was planning to do and I didn't say anything until it was too late."
He could feel her tense, her breath catching.
"I could have put a stop to it if I hadn't been a coward but I didn't. I should have told Dead or someone. Hell, I should have told the fucking cops! Instead I went along with it and now look where we are. I'm a fucking spineleses asshole. I deserve worse than what I got and if Dead decides to kill me too I won't try and stop him because I deserve it."
"You still tried to do the right thing in the end."
"Are you just in denial about what I've done? Vanessa, you shouldn't be lying here with me, you should be angry at me! Hate me, tell me I'm a piece of shit or a waste of space! But don't tell me I'm not a bad person or an even worse friend. From the time we first met I was trying to steal you away from Dead, trying to compete with the last person I ever thought would manage to get a girlfriend. I hated you, loved you, or at least thought I loved you, and overall just made everything so much harder for everyone. I wish I had at least been told what was going on like you obviously told Dead, but that doesn't erase the things I've done."
"You're right," she managed. "It doesn't. I should hate you right now. I should be wanting to strangle you or smash your face into the wall for this. But I can't bring myself to do it. I've gone over everything that's happened up until now and I think back on how different things may have been if I had been honest in the beginning with you but I wasn't. It doesn't change anything but the important thing is that you and Dead are here and alive and that's all that matters."
"Why Dead?"
She shook her head, a small laugh escaping. "I wish I knew. When I started the project I had dreams of him every night. They were always the same and always so vivid it was like I was there. I never could touch him though; it was always like there was a barrier between us. Before I finally went back I had heard his voice as clearly as I hear you right now. I don't know why it was him, but something pulled us together."
Euronymous couldn't help lowering his eyes to the floor. "I'm sorry. For everything. I don't expect us to be best friends, but I would like to start over at some point."
Vanessa nodded. "I'd like that."
"Can I just ask you something first? It's stupid but I'd like to know."
"What?"
He hesitated for a moment, his mouth opening and closing again before he managed to find the words.
"If it hadn't been Dead that you saw and you still came, do you think you'd love me instead?"
He could hear the sigh leave her as she looked down at the space between them. "I can't say for sure. Maybe. I think I could love you if things had been different."
"Fair enough. I guess I'll just take what I have and leave it at that."
"Good idea."
The two sat for a while longer in silence, neither knowing what to really say at that point without ruining the moment they just shared.
Within the hour, one of the nurses walked into the room.
"I'm glad you're feeling well enough to walk around, Miss Stevens," she scolded playfully. "How are you feeling, Mister Aarseth?"
Euronymous shrugged. "As good as I can be."
The woman nodded, taking a look at the clipboard in front of her. "Any luck with your memory?"
"No, just a black hole."
"I'm not surprised. It can take a while for memories to come back to a person, and that's if they come back at all. I've also received a phone call from your friend Mister Ohlin, he said he'll be here in a few hours."
Vanessa's head shot up. "Pelle? I thought they arrested him."
The woman nodded. "It's a bit of a tricky case. I'm obviously not a lawyer but I do know there's something about murder not being an offense if it's in the defense of another. I can't remember exactly what it's called but there's a good chance he will be let off if they determine that's what it is."
"That's better news than I had expected," Euronymous said with a small smile.
Vanessa nodded in agreement.
"Now," the woman continued. "Miss Stevens, I'll need to take you back to your room. The doctor is wanting to do an additional checkup on you."
"Alright."
She turned to look at Euronymous, a small smile on her face.
"Thank you," she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Get out of here," he joked.
He watched her leave with the nurse, his smile falling the moment the door closed. She should have hated him, but for whatever reason didn't. Varg was dead, and the person who killed him would most likely be doing the same to him as soon as he got the chance. If he wasn't dead by tomorrow, he would start his life over and be the friend Dead and Vanessa needed; and not even just them. He would be better to everyone around him. No matter what the outcome, he would try and show everyone that he could be the person Vanessa and Vera believed him to be.