The sun hadn't even risen yet as I left the house.
Locking the door behind me, I swung my duffel bag over my shoulder and began walking to the nearest car rental place I could find. I was changing my life today, and no body could tell me to stop.
Guilt had been eating at me all night. So much to the point that I could barely sleep. I tossed and turned, kicked blankets off and then pulled them back on. I even woke Sarah a couple of times.
Even though she was the reason I felt guilty.
I just helped her get back on her feet and stabalize, now I was leaving her all by herself. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel bad.
It was cowardly of me, but I left a note.
I didn't want her to worry, but I also didn't want her to leave without an explaination. She already fixed her life. She finally got herself back on track. Now it was my turn.
While humming, I walked through the streets of the neighborhood. It wasn't joyful if I was being honest, I actually was kind of nervous and afraid. I had a schedule to keep to. And it all started at the rental car place.
Fifteen minutes later, I made it to the car place, the lights just flickering on while people moved about. As soon as the manager flipped the lock, I was opening the door and walking in. The man behind the counter seemed kind of surprised. But I wasn't here for pleasantries. I needed to leave.
"How can I help you ma'am?" He asked, his fingers poised over the keyboard of the computer. I dropped my duffel on the floor and flipped out my wallet.
"I need a car with a full tank of gas. How soon can I get one?" I asked. I passed him my license, the one I got three years ago and he enterred in into the computer before pulling up a list of suitable cars. I picked one at random and he further charged me and enterred the data.
It took all of about ten minutes.
The man handed over a set of keys and then passed me my license back before I waved and left the building, my duffel slung carelessly over my shoulder.
I looked down at the keypad attatched to the key ring and pressed the unlock button. A small Dodge Neon was on the far side of the lot, the blue paint gliterring in the early morning sun. I hastily walked over and threw my bag in the back before slamming the back door and hopping into the front seat.
It had been a while since I had driven a car on my own, but the movements and mechanics were still engraved into my skull. I could barely afford to rent this car, let alone pay for it if I wrecked it.
With a look at the dash to check the gas and time, I backed out of the space and sped away from the building.
My heart was heavy. And my head was buzzing with doubts and worries. I shouldn't stress. That much I knew. It wasn't worth the time.
I passed by my old apartment building, getting a glimpse at Sarah's sad and frail body locking the door before she ran out to meet Evan in the car. I had some thinking to do before I properly said goodbye.
For some reason, I was content with my decision to leave, even if my heart and head said two different things.
Was this really the best choice? Would you even make it? Are you sure you even want to do this? How are you going to live without all of them?
Well, the same way I made it to Foster's Corner without Ben. I would survive each day at a time.
Life is too short to play it safe. And no matter how many mistakes I made as a younger girl, the best mistake I could make was travelling with Ben.
He was my perfect mistake.
My head was pounding and my eyes were red. I blew out the last smoke from my cigarette and sniffed, rubbing my eyes harshly. My hair was damp and in thick knotted locks. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I washed it.
Ben was outside, standing in the cold to wait for me, and to shake off the last of his high. Cocaine was a serious drug. It gave me adrenaline like you wouldn't believe. The thought of just getting caught with it was enough as well.
The pink that had been dyed into my short blonde hair was beginning to wash out.My clothes were drenched with sweat and water, having run from some thugs that Ben owed money to through the rain. As I leaned over the sink, my necklace slapped against the ceramic, the same one that Ben gave me at the canyon.
For some reason, totally unknown to me, I began to chuckle, before it fell into deep throaty laughs. My stomach had begun to hurt I was laughing so much.
But when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see some girl that was happy and completely content with the life she had. I didn't see some girl who had everything she ever wanted, or had happiness oozing from her pores.
No, I saw a girl who was torn, beat up, completely alone and sad. I touched my cheeks and pulled my fingers away, only for them to be wet with salty tears. My laughter had faded and I stared at myself in the mirror.
Was this the 'new and improved' Willow Smith? Was this the new me?
I looked down at my hands, shaking and quivering. My fingers twitched with muscle spasms and just like that, I hated everything.
I looked back up at myself in the dirty and grime covered mirror. And with everything in me, I threw the hardest punch I could muster, right into the mirror.
That was when I screamed, not from physical pain, but from the pain that was tearing me up inside. All my problems seemed so easy. Like they could slip down the drain with the next shower I took.
My knuckles began to ooze blood, but I didn't care.
I fell to the floor, leaning against the wall and allowed my head to fall into my hands.
This wasn't what I always wanted. In fact, this was a far cry from all the dreams I wanted to accomplish. Everything was so messed up. My life, my body, my feelings, my thoughts. Everything was turning to mush.
I looked around the small bathroom, my heart beating frantically, the last of my high wearing off.
Something's gotta give. And it won't be me.
My eyes watered as I thought about that day. It was when I finally came to the realization that I was only mortal. That I wasn't bulletproof.
I was my own enemy. The fact that I gave into so many things was the worst part.
And then, for the first time in a very long time, I forgave myself.
And it was as if the weight on my shoulders completely lifted.
***
A/N Hey, guys! I'm keeping this short and sweet!
The next chapter is the last one, and then I'll have an epilogue! Woo! I'm going to try and upload them both tonight because I'm ready for this story to be finished. No more three week waits for me to update.
So yeah, thanks for reading, you have all been the greatest and I love you!
Don't forget to vote, comment, fan and follow me on Twitter: @JoLeeXD1
Lotsa Love,
C