Chapter 17
Yeji
Turns out that I would've figured everything out easily had I just asked. I don't know why my brain seems to short-circuit when it comes to Ryujin.
I've learned more about her in one night than I did for the several months that I've lived with her.
To be fair, it's been a roller coaster road I've been on.
When she asked me out, I was nervous and excited. I didn't want to get my hopes up as I wasn't really sure how she feels about me. Heck, I don't even know how I feel about her but I know it's something different.
While preparing, I contemplated it one more time.
I have never dated or been with anyone romantically. I mean, there were a few guys at home who've confessed but I just didn't feel the same way towards them as I do for... dancing, for one. Even Soobin doesn't look appealing to me physically. He is a good dancer, for sure. But that's the only difference between him and the other guys from Jeonju.
They don't excite me.
But Ryujin does.
She makes me lose my control. And I am someone who loves to be in control.
I pause when she says I look tired and need rest, I laugh when she laughs, I feel light and safe when she's around. And I look for her when she's not.
The thought that I have never felt this way towards Karina - my best friend for many years whom I love like a sister - pretty much says it. But I hadn't made peace with it until Ryujin opened the conversation about dating during dinner.
The way she looked at me when she said she's not interested in Lia as she got her eyes on someone else now... sent me shivers.
That's when I decided to jump the gun and tell her I don't know anything about relationships. I was terrified that it'll scare her off, plus the crying when she said she'd be my home here. But she just held tighter. And that's when I gave in.
I like her a lot.
Not in a way that best friends or families do. My heart looks for her.
And I think hers looks for me, too.
The morning after our dinner, I woke up late and heard everyone already eating breakfast in the kitchen when I came out of my room.
Our classes are scattered this week because of the nearing dance off so we talked about having breakfast together in the group chat. Lia didn't reply, assuming she still doesn't want to talk to anyone now. So I wasn't able to hide my surprise when I saw her sitting on the dining table in between Ryujin and Yuna.
"Hey", Ryujin instantly saw me.
"Hi", I said back, immediately causing a smile.
Chaer fake-coughed and I had to look away and find my place on the table.
I greeted Chaer and Yuna, too, once I'm seated. I looked over at Lia and saw that she's looking down, focused on eating.
But when I stood up to get water, she did, too.
"Yeji", she quietly called out to me when we're both facing the other side of the kitchen. We're still very visible but I think she intentionally wants to talk to me alone.
"Lia", I said back. I don't know but her presence makes me so nervous.
She paused for a couple of minutes, looking down and I waited for her patiently.
"I'm not good at this. But I just want to say that I'm sorry for being hard on you since the beginning. I also want to clarify that I mean the best when I say that I care about Ryujin a lot." She started.
I feel a but coming, and I hope it's a good one.
"But I know she likes you. How you feel about her, I don't know. And I don't have control over it. Just... be honest with her. Okay? Don't hurt her, or keep her on the hook when you're not sure about your feelings".
This feels like an attack but it's the closest to an apology that I got from her.
"Let's just try to be civil towards each other. Are you okay with that?"
Not sure what else to say or if there's a space for me to even say anything, I just nodded.
When I did, she immediately went back to the table.
I did, too.
When Ryujin met my eyes, she looked worried but smiled when I gave her a reassuring nod. And, again, I get lost in this bubble only the two of us are in.
I remember how she held my hand the night before. How she played with my fingers to calm me down when I told her how lonely I've been and how seldom I talk to everyone back home because they also have jobs that they have to do to support me here.
The way she looked at me as if saying "it's okay to feel sad, I'll be here when you are".
I remember how Giddy I was when she texted me last night once we're back in our own rooms.
I really had fun tonight. Let's do this more often, Yeddeong.
And that nickname she created when she was teasing me about how I look like that animated dragon when I pretend to be annoyed.
All these make me feel like a kid seeing the sun for the first time. How can I be the one to keep her on the hook when I'm literally this attached to her?
At 21, I thought I had almost everything figured out.
I'll finish my degree in Chemistry, find a stable job, meet someone and have a family - the typical, linear direction almost everyone in my family has gone through.
Except for dancing and singing, I didn't really have anything else that made me feel excited. And I didn't think anything aside from them being hobbies until someone opened up the opportunity that I actually have a chance to make a living out of them.
I thought my life was pretty normal. And okay. And comfortable. My Mom has always taught me that comfort is good.
But by moving to Seoul and joining the university, I realized that change is good. And that exploring something new can be beautiful, and exciting, and scary, but it'll bring out some things in you that you didn't think were there.
That you can meet people whom you'll find a different kind of comfort and teach you that you don't have to choose one over the other. That you can be comfortable, and happy, and giddy, and afraid, and ready all at the same time.
That's how I feel when I look at these people I'm living with. We might not have known each other for long but these girls aim to achieve the same things as me, and the way that this dream brings up together is amazing.
-
The day of the dance off has come and we're backstage stretching, waiting to be called.
As explained, there are seven participating teams representing the top performing arts schools in Seoul and nearby cities.
We start by doing a preliminary round - freestyle dance. We didn't really practice this but we've done some days focused on developing techniques that we individually don't feel comfortable with. The structure of this round will be determined once the dance off officially starts - we were told that this can be individual freestyle where one representative per crew will be freestyling against the others; or it can be duos.
The second round will be a crew performance of a popular group song that was pre-drawn before the dance off - we got Cherry Bomb by NCT. It's a heavy masculine choreography but we, the girls, were able to pick it up easily.
The third and final round will be the performance of each crews' own choreographies. The final winner will be determined based on the added points from the judges and will receive great recognition, together with a chance to appear as guests on the biggest televised dancing competition in South Korea.
We're pretty confident with how our practices turned out and we're each other's biggest fans - so to say that we feel strongly about our individual skills.
They began calling the teams one by one.
"Seoul University Dance Crew".
As I take my first steps outside the backstage dressing room, I keep repeating to myself,
"This is it. This is it."
My heart feels like it's about to jump out and I can feel my chest tightening with every step.
Having zero experience in performing on a big stage or in front of an audience this big, I knocked my brain out for all the encouragement and recognition I've received during practices to calm myself.
Miss Momo saying I'm a natural; Ten saying that he doesn't have to worry when it's my part of the dance; and the others hyping me up during our freestyle sessions.
Deep breaths.
As we're about to go up the stage's stairs, I feel a hand gripping mine. I looked up and, surely, it's Ryu.
She nodded, excitement in her eyes. She just smirked and looked straight at me.
"Let's tear up the stage".
Suddenly, excitement took a bigger spot and I forgot why I was even worried in the first place.
I gripped her hand tighter and exclaimed "Let's show them what we got!".
I didn't realize how loud my voice was but it must've boosted the team's confidence as they shouted their "Yeah!" while we're on our way to the middle - all smiles and more confident than ever.