What is scarier and painful? A hello or a goodbye?
I can't risk both. Hello is scary when you are already traumatised and scared to let people inside your life again. And goodbye is painful because you're not just saying farewell to the person, but to the memories that were once your safe place.
But I realized that goodbye is only painful when you know you'll never say hello again.
Everytime I look at Hugo, it reminds me of the woman who's been left behind alone. The part of me that has died and was lost until now. I could not feel anything but pure anger and hunger to take my revenge. But I know it won't end well for us.
Tulala ako kinabukasan habang nakatitig sa buong schedule ko ngayong araw. It's hectic. I have to finish all of these before going back to Manila. And it's already late.
Lumabas ako sa master's bedroom pagkatapos magbihis.
I am aware of the tantrums I threw last night. I couldn't sleep remembering every word I spit in front of his face. I have no one to blame except the alcohol and him. Syempre, siya lahat may kasalanan nito.
Kabado ako, hindi ko iyon matatanggi. It's actually a shame to feel nervous about seeing him today. Nadatnan ko siyang nakaupo sa bar stool habang nasa harapan ang kape at ang computer niya.
What a sight.
I walked in front of him. Humalukipkip ako.
His eyes looked at me, slowly. Malamig ang mga tingin niya sa akin na para bang walang kagana-gana ang nasa harapan niya.
"I am going back to Manila tomorrow and tonight's the party."
He raised his eyebrow.
Unti-unti kong naramdaman ang hiya. His stare looked like he had no idea why I was even saying that to him. Oo nga naman!
I cleared my throat. "I figured by the time I come home, you won't be here."
He paused for a while.
He pushed himself back. Kita ko ang hubad niyang pang-itaas na kanina pa kumakaway sa akin. His massive chest is wider and larger than usual. He must be working really hard with those biceps that could choke me without even trying.
He crossed his arms on his chest and clenched his jaw.
"My house is still under construction, Nichoella."
Oh, he has a house? That's great! Good for him!
I smiled sarcastically. "Well, how many weeks will it take—"
"7 months."
"7 what?!"
Umawang ang labi ko at sinuklay ang buhok. I looked at my wrist watch and saw that I was really late. Pero hindi iyon ang pinag-tuonan ko ng pansin.
Hugo's eyes relaxed as he scribbled on his laptop a bit. "I don't have a choice, Nichoella."
I gritted my teeth.
He looked at me, again. "Don't you have anywhere else to stay?"
Umirap ako. "Pinapaalis mo ako?"
"Wala akong sinabi. If you really hate to see me, then feel free to leave temporarily until I do."
"I have nowhere else to go."
He raised his eyebrow. "Your parents?"
I cleared my throat.
When I realized that the conversation looked overboard, I grabbed my purse. Tumuwid ako ng tayo at wala siyang emosyon na tinignan.
"Could you do me a favor and do your thing in your room when I get back?" I smiled. "Thank you."
I am helpless.
As much as I want to leave the condo, I really have nowhere else to go. This building is the only building that I am safe from obsessive fans and media. The security here are my friends and rumors have been spreading around that I am spending my vacation in El Vicente which is clearly not good. I could go home, too, but I still don't have a clear communication with my parents. So, no. I have nowhere else to go.
Tonight's the launching party of the cosmetic brand last time and I am the ambassadress. Hindi ko maisip kung bakit sa lahat ng models at influencer dito ay ako pa ang napili niya. I mean… I am the ex of her fiancé. Why would she hire me as an ambassadress? To make me look like a fool? Well, I am nothing like a fool!
Vilma : I have your dress. Reply kung nagbago isip mo.
Umirap ako habang nasa conference room. Kaaalis lang ng manager ng banda at ako na lamang ang nag-iisa.
Me : I'll go.
Vilma : 'Yun!
Vilma : And anyway, Mark is still in town. I think it wouldn't be a bother if you take him as your date tonight.
Me : Joanna will kill me.
Vilma : Nikki, he's an international rock star. Are you kidding me?
I chuckled.
Me : You should consider being my PA.
Vilma : Whatever.
I gritted my teeth.
I shouldn't miss the fun. I don't want to be the one that runs away from their threats. She placed the bait in front of me so who am I to not take it?
Vilma prepared a black long gown that had a slit on the side. It shows my cleavage and it's completely backless. She arranged everything about the korean rock star, Mark, and surprisingly, he agreed. Hindi masyadong maganda ang dugo ni Joanna doon. I think so, too.
"The management will kill me, Nikki."
Nagkatinginan kami ni Vilma. She pursed her lips while I giggled.
"Let's give the people something to talk about, Joanna. Nakakasawa na ang issue nilang kabit-kabitan."
She rolled her eyes. "International fans are the worst, Nikki."
Vilma laughed. "E'di nasa international news ka na n'yan, madam?"
I winked.
Joanna rolled her eyes and shook her head.
Vilma did my hair beautifully as usual. Naka-pony tail ito na nilagyan pa niya ng extensions. My makeup is more simple than usual though she overlined my lips and filled it with red. My face matured over the years. My cheekbones heightened and my face was skinnier than before. People speculate that I did some face surgeries which shouldn't be a bad thing but I am sure that I didn't.
I have explored the makeup world and sometimes, without Vilma, I do my own makeup.
Mark, along with two bodyguards, were waiting outside the venue. Sa malaki at magarbong hotel ang venue ng party. They made sure that the other uninvited media weren't allowed. Maingay sa labas dahil sa mga fans na nagpupumilit pumasok. Camera flashes are all around, too.
Mark smiled. Ngumiti din ako dahil napapalibutan kami ng mga camera sa paligid.
"You look wonderful," he whispered as I snaked my hands around his arm.
I nodded. I know.
"I am glad you didn't ditch me." I joked.
"Who would?"
Tumawa ako ng peke. Pero tama siya.
We waved at the cameras. I saw models and high profile people entered the hall. Sinalubong kami ng sandamakmak na mikropono papasok doon. I didn't know that she needed this to be captured and documented.
The hall was filled with colourful lights. The logo is in the middle of the stage where people are photographed. Drinks are served, too. I think we're a little late.
"Nikki," a gay designer called me. "Oh, hello, Mr. Korean."
"Spencer, this is Mark…"
He smirked at me. "Well, hello, dear. Akala ko sabi ni Direk, hindi ka raw magdadala ng date!"
I laughed awkwardly. "I can't be the one who doesn't have a date tonight!" I said, talking about the handsome model with him.
He shrugged at me and continued talking about my date and his famous boyband.
"Nikki, wonderful dress! Is that Don Preston's?"
"Is that Mark from BTV?"
"Pupunta ka ba sa Japan tour, Nikki? I heard Tasha can't go."
"Congratulations on the new album! I love the music video so much."
"Do you remember me, Niks? From ULV?"
I just smiled at them. Hindi ko magawang isa-isahin silang batiin.
Nawala sa tabi ko si Mark. Masyado akong na-lula sa mga taong panay ang tawag sa akin. He must be around. Hindi ko na hinanap dahil nauuhaw na din ako. I went to the corner and grabbed myself a drink.
Unang sipsip pa lang ay parang gusto ko nang ibuga iyon.
Bumungad sa gilid ng stage si Hugo katabi ni Jasmine. My eyes widened a bit while I swallowed the champagne. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa wine flute habang nakatingin sa kanila.
Hugo's hands are snaked on her waist. Everyone is congratulating Jasmine. His eyes were stone cold and wasn't really paying attention to the compliments that his fiancé is having.
Nagkatinginan kami.
Hindi ko alam kung papaano niya ako nahanap sa dami ng mga taong nasa paligid. He blinked twice when he saw me, like I was a dream that he didn't know was real.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang nasa baywang ni Jasmine. She giggled at some people and buried her cheek on his shoulder. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko.
I dropped the glass by mistake. My hand shaked. Hindi ako nakagalaw kaagad dahil sa takot at gulat. It made a sound that made everyone look at me.
"Nikki!"
"Oh, goodness, are you okay?"
"Someone, please, help her!"
I gritted my teeth. I couldn't hear a thing.
Nawala si Hugo sa pwesto niya. My fear went high when I saw him approaching me. Kunot ang noo at nakatingin sa akin at sa aking paanan. He was clenching his jaw.
Umatras ako. Bawat hakbang niya ay ang aking pag-atras. He was confused but at the same time, hurt.
Nanubig ang mata ko.
Him. Eyes. People. Crowd.
Natakot ako.
I turned my back and ran away. I feel like it wasn't just the glass that has been shattered into pieces.
My knees weakened.
Tumulo ang luha ko habang nakatingin sa pregnancy test sa kamay ko. I started shaking, and didn't know what to do next. Wala akong kamalay-malay sa paligid na para bang lahat ay biglang tumahimik. I couldn't hear a voice except my own sobs.
It's positive. I am pregnant.
I couldn't utter a single word. I tried to keep my tone down.
Bumukas ng marahas ang pintuan. Kita ko ang panlalaki ng mata ni Atlas habang nakatingin sa akin. His eyes dropped on the pregnancy test that I was holding. I was sitting on the restroom floor, beside the toilet.
"Shit, shit…" he cursed as he held my elbows to get up.
I cried on his chest. I don't know what to feel right now. I am hurt and even if I don't want to be disappointed, I am. I know I didn't want this. I don't want this right now. Not right now.
"Please, don't tell this to Mom…" iyon kaagad ang nasabi ko.
His eyes were full of confusion and concern. He clenched his jaw, hard. Niyakap niya ako, hinalikan sa noo.
"Promise me, Atlas. I can't… I can't tell them yet. I'm so scared…" humikbi ako. He hushed me as he swayed me a bit to calm me down.
"I won't… we'll figure this out."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit dito ako dinala ng paa ko. I look like a lost crying lonely girl in movies. Hawak hawak ko ang stilettos ko habang naglalakad sa dalampasigan.
The wind is cold, almost freezing me. But I couldn't feel much. Kulang pa.
I sent my message to Vilma, saying I caused some drama and left my date. Pinatay ko ang cellphone ko at naupo sa buhangin. Matamlay kong tinignan kung paano humampas ang tubig sa magandang buhangin ng El Vicente.
There's a lot of changes in ElVi today. May hotel and resort na rito sa Paseo. Some night markets are around, too. Maraming dumadagsang tao rito. Well, except in this area. People are too scared to come close in this area because it's near the scary manggahan. Bukod sa private property, may mga kwentong walang kabuluhan ang kumakalat.
I touched my stomach. Caressed it slowly.
My life could've been different today if it did come true, wouldn't it? I'm probably living in a small house near this beach. I will probably go to work during the day and come home before 7 to cook dinner for us. It's peaceful. Happy.
Tumulo ang luha ko, walang kamalay-malay. I stood up and saw a bunch of teenagers walking towards this way. I grabbed my purse and stood up.
Yumuko ako habang naglalakad ng mabilis paalis. It was dark and I couldn't clearly see my way. Nauntog ang ulo ko kaya naman napahinto ako.
I jumped when I saw Hugo in front of me. Kunot ang kaniyang noo at nakaawang ng kaunti ang labi, nakatingin sa akin. Itim na itim ang mata niya at halos tusukin ako ng buhay.
I stepped back, immediately.
"What are you doing here?" medyo pagalit ang tono ko.
He clenched his jaw.
"Are you… okay?" namamaos na sabi niya. His voice was so low, I could barely hear it.
Are you okay? What? Is he actually asking me that?
Hinampas ko ang dibdib niya. "Anong pakialam mo?"
"Nichoella—"
"Ngayon, may pakialam ka sa akin? Is that it?" I fired. "Oh, Hugo, I know you're not that true. Kasi kung may pakialam ka pala sa akin, dati mo pa ginawa."
"Let's talk it out somewhere private, please."
Kumunot ang noo ko. I shook my head and pushed this massive chest away. "I don't want to talk to you, Hugo."
"Is that Nikki from 2004?"
My back stiffened. Nagkatinginan kami ni Hugo. He eyed me darker.
"Really? Teka… who's with her?"
"Siya ba? Parang hindi naman."
"Tawagin niyo si Ericka. She's a big fan."
"Sino kasama niya? Boyfriend?"
Yumuko ako. I gritted my teeth as my hand crumpled tight on my dress.
Hugo held my arms and pulled me. Hindi ako nag-react sa ginawa niya. I knew immediately what he was doing. Inakbayan niya ako at yumuko ako ng kaunti sa balikat niya.
"Nikki?" someone called me again.
Hugo muttered a curse before looking back. "I hate to disappoint but my wife's not whoever that is, kids."
"Ay, sorry po! Pasensya na po."
"Sabi sayo hindi siya, eh. Tara na nga."
Hinila ako ni Hugo paalis doon. Hindi ako nagsasalita mula noong umalis kami. My head's still not over what he said and what he called me. Gusto ko pa din siyang sampalin at lunurin. I hate it. I hate him so bad.
We stood in front of his shotgun door. Nakatulala ako habang nakatingin sa repleksyon kong walang emosyon. He was just staring at me.
Humarap ako sa kaniya. "I'm going to call Vilma. Magpapasundo nalang ako."
"I can just drive you, Nichoella."
I hate when he says my name!
"Do you realize how much I hate you right now, Hugo?" nag-tiim bagang ako. "I even hate to say your name!"
"I know that. But you'd rather come with me or stay here until your fans flock around you."
"I'm fine with that. I don't want another hell with you!"
Huminto siya doon.
Nagkatinginan kami. I saw the pain in his eyes for a second. He swallowed hard and nodded. Kinamot niya ang kilay at pinasadahan ng dila ang labi.
"Alright…"
I watched him walk away in front of me.
Nanlambot ako.
Umiwas ako ng tingin at gumilid, naghahanda sa pag-alis niya. I watched him enter his driver's door without looking at me. Pain stabs my chest for no reason.
Something wet dropped on my hand. I touched my cheek to see if it was my tears but it wasn't. Tumingala ako at dinama ko ang pagpatak ng ambon sa aking mukha. I didn't know it felt so relatable right now.
Hugo's car started. Just how the rain started pouring a little hard now.
I bit my lips.
A picture of him leaving me for the first time before entering my head. I welcomed the feeling of being left behind once again. Just like a scar opening up again. A scar that hasn't been really closed… healed.
Nanginig ang labi ko sa badyang pagbuhos na naman ng luha.
I sobbed when he left. Completely left.
That's right, Hugo. Leave. I don't want to see you anymore. It is hell when you're around. It is pain and misery when you're around. God, I hate this. I hate it so much.
Tinakpan ko ang bibig dahil sa pag-iyak. The rain joined my misery. The universe must be celebrating this moment. Finally, I surrendered again. They love hurting me so much.
Malabo ang tingin ko dahil sa luhang nasa mata ko at ang ulan na pumapatak sa aking mukha. Aside from the rain, everything I could hear was my ugly sobs.
Umilaw ang sasakyan sa harapan ko. It stopped in front of me.
Bumaba si Hugo.
He was cursing out loud while running to me. Matindi ang kunot ng kaniyang noo. If anger is personified, it could be him right now.
He grabbed my hand, harshly.
"No!" I shouted. "Get away from me!"
"Are you out of your mind, Nichoella? It's damn raining!" bulyaw niya sa akin na halos kinatakot ko.
Binawi ko ang kamay ko habang tuloy pa din ang pag-iyak. His eyes gazed into me. Binabasa din siya ng ulan, pareho kami ngayon.
Tinaboy ko ang kamay niya. "I can't believe you still had the face to show up in front of me. Is that what you learned in New York? Sabagay, you're all rich and handsome! You can even buy me with your 20 million!"
"I get that you are mad—"
"Oh, please! You don't get it. Kasi kung oo, matagal mo na ako nilubayan." dinuro ko ang dibdib niya. "But what are you doing? Panay pa din ang siksik mo sa buhay ko!"
"Nichoella, please…"
"What? Totoo, 'diba?" I wiped my wet eyes. "You even dare to live with me! And your fiancé hired me for business! Ginagago niyo ba akong dalawa? Don't you dare say that it's not about me because I know that it is! I know you're not yet done giving me pain."
"It's not on purpose—"
"Liar… you sick liar!" sinuntok ko ang dibdib niya. "I am living my life, Hugo. I am trying to survive the hell you gave me. What did I do? Did I do something to you? Kasi hindi ko na alam! Maawa ka naman sa akin, please…"
His touch weakened. Bumagsak ang kamay niya sa gilid niya.
"Ayoko na…" I cried. "Leave me alone, please, Hugo. Ayoko na, please."
He clenched his jaw. Puno ng pait ang sakit ang mata niya.
"If that's what you want, baby," he said. Hindi malinaw iyon. "Let me just get you inside, please. You'll get sick."
"No…" I sobbed.
I was too weak. Panay lang ang iyak ko hanggang sa makasakay ako ng tuluyan sa kotse niya. My gown is wet and it's making a mess inside his car but I did not mind.
I was numb.
Numb of everything.