A week after Sebastian left rehab for the third time, he attended an NA meeting, and someone asked him about his future. He stared at them as if they were mad. 'I don't have one', he nearly said.
Sebastian was just killing time. He was just waiting to relapse. Waiting to go back to rehab. Waiting for everything to fall apart again. There was no point building a life, because he would inevitably destroy it.
So, he just kept waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
But he didn't relapse. And he didn't go back to rehab.
His Dad hired him, and he met Harvey, and he eventually moved out of his childhood home. He smiled, and he learnt to laugh, and he listened to music, and he remembered how to enjoy things. He started living again, for the first time in years.
And yet, he still refused to think about his future, because despite how much progress he had made, he never managed to convince himself that he had a future. He was still waiting. Waiting for something that would never happen.
But as he stared down at the ring in his hand, a flicker of hope flared up inside him. After years of struggling to see anything beyond the here and the now, he thought that he could see something stretching out in front of him. A future.
"You're not planning to propose, are you?" Harvey teased, nudging Sebastian in the side playfully, "Because for a first date, that might be a little-"
"Shut up." Sebastian rolled his eyes, slipping the ring into his pocket, "It's a birthday present."
"His birthday was last week." Harvey reminded him unhelpfully as he pushed through the glass doors, stepping out of the jewellery shop, and back into the mall.
"I know." Sebastian said frustratedly, "I didn't get him anything."
"You didn't know it was his-"
"I should've." He countered, "I should've known."
Harvey sighed, shaking his head incredulously, "You're ridiculous."
Sebastian hadn't seen Declan for an entire week - Sebastian worked days, and Declan had been asked to work nights, so their schedules hadn't lined up. It had been one of the longest weeks of Sebastian's life. He had contemplated showing up to the diner just to lay his eyes on Declan, to check that he was okay, that he was alive.
Their last conversion had been playing on a loop in his head for the past seven days.
'I've always been yours. I've been yours from the moment we met.'
No matter how hard he tried, Sebastian hadn't been able shake Declan's words. They demanded to be heard, over and over again.
He had started replaying their first conversation, too.
'Can I buy you a drink?'
'Already got one.'
'Right. Do you wanna buy me a drink instead?'
Sebastian and Declan's first date was in just a few hours, and Sebastian was as excited as he was terrified.
"C'mon." Harvey grabbed his wrist and dragged him into a shop they were passing, "I'm gonna find you an outfit to wear tonight."
Sebastian froze, snatching his wrist out of Harvey's hand, "No." He said firmly.
Harvey crossed his arms over his chest disapprovingly, "You have nothing to wear-"
"Dec's not gonna care about what I-"
"This is your first real date with him, Seb!" Harvey protested, "You can't just show up in that raggedy old sweater you wear every bloody day." He scolded, "I won't allow it."
"You won't allow it?" Sebastian scoffed.
Harvey shook his head, "It's my duty to you as your best friend to make sure that you look your best tonight."
"It really isn't-"
"Then it's my duty to Declan." Harvey smiled slyly, "Consider it my birthday present to him; making sure you look good enough to eat-"
"Please stop-"
"Never."
Sebastian groaned, grimacing as he scanned the endless racks of colourful shirts. He sighed in defeat, "You can pick out one thing." He said sternly, "No patterns."
"But-"
"And no bright colours-"
"Seb-"
"And no short sleeves."
Harvey scowled at him, "You're making this quite difficult."
"God, I hope so."
Harvey sighed heavily, "Challenge accepted."
As Sebastian watched Harvey flick through hundreds of shirts, pausing every few minutes to frown at a price tag, Sebastian's heart rate slowly increased, his nerves buzzing around his head and creating a flurry of white noise. He had never been on a date with Declan before. He had never even allowed himself to be romantic, because that would have pushed a boundary they were both too afraid to question.
It had taken them months to be honest with each other, to admit their feelings, to promise to stop pretending they meant less to each other than they really did.
Sebastian couldn't have been happier.
"How about this?" Harvey held up a soft baby blue jumper.
Sebastian reached out to brush his fingertips across the fabric, "It's nice." He said noncommittally.
"It's perfect." Harvey grinned, "It's chic."
"If you say so."
"Try it on."
Sebastian complied obediently, grabbing the jumper out of Harvey's hands, and slipping into the dressing rooms. He pulled the soft fabric over his head, and carefully examined his reflection in the mirror. The jumper hung effortlessly from his broad shoulders to loosely sculpt his biceps - which he knew Declan loved. He hated to admit it, but Harvey had done well.
"So?" Harvey asked hopefully when Sebastian stepped back into he shop with the jumper draped over his arm.
"It looks good." He smiled, because he couldn't help it, "Thanks, Harvey."
Harvey's grin brightened, and he snatched the jumper out of Sebastian's hand, "Great." He said, heading for the till, "My treat."
"What?" Sebastian frowned, trailing after him helplessly, "I can pay for it, don't-"
"Save your money." Harvey nudged him in the ribs affectionately, "Buy Declan the most expensive thing on the menu." He handed the man behind the counter his card, and before Sebastian could yank it out of his hand, the payment had already gone through.
"You're an idiot." Sebastian murmured, "I love you." He didn't say that a lot - hardly ever - but if anyone deserved to hear it, it was Harvey.
Harvey chuckled, "I love you, too, Seb."
"Thank you." Sebastian said sincerely.
Harvey insisted on dragging Sebastian around what felt like another hundred shops, though couldn't have been more than four. When Harvey started complaining that he was hungry, Sebastian bought him a pretzel, and when he started complaining that he was thirsty less than ten minutes later, Sebastian bought him a slushy.
"Can we go in here?" Harvey asked, gesturing to a shop that looked identical to every other one they had been in so far.
"I'll wait outside." Sebastian sighed, leaning back against the nearest wall.
Harvey pouted stubbornly, "But-"
"No." He said plainly, "If I have to step foot in one more shop, I'm gonna lose my mind."
"Fine." Harvey shoved his shopping bags into Sebastian's arms, then handed him his half-finished slushy, "I'll see you in an hour."
"That's not funny." Sebastian scolded.
"Who says I'm joking?" Harvey shrugged, disappearing into the shop.
"Sebastian?"
Sebastian turned, and he was met with a pair of eyes that were so familiar, he had to catch his breath.
The eyes belonged to Annette.
They were the same eyes that once belonged to her son, Alex.
"Hi." He blurted out breathlessly, desperately trying to compose himself.
She smiled tightly, readjusting the bags on her shoulders, "How are you?" She asked, "It's been a while."
"Yeah." He forced himself to smile, to be friendly, to be polite. The last time she had seen him, he had been a wreck. The last time he had seen her - a little over a year ago now - he had hidden behind a bin to avoid her. "I'm good." He said thickly, "How are you?"
Annette nodded, "I'm doing okay."
"I like the red carnations you've been leaving at the grave." Sebastian said softly.
Her brows rose, "I didn't know you still visited." She said, surprised.
That felt like a stab right in the gut. Of course he still visited. Of course he still cared. "All the time." He murmured.
"I've never seen you there."
That was the point, he thought. Sebastian knew that Annette always visited the graveyard in the mornings, so he made sure to only visit in the afternoons.
"Last I heard, you were back in rehab." She said, a touch of sympathy in her voice that Sebastian hated. "Though, that was a long time ago now."
"A really long time ago." He corrected.
"Well, I'm glad to hear it." Her smile grew more strained, "You working?"
"For my Dad." He nodded.
"Alex always thought you'd go to uni."
Sebastian frowned, "Why would he say that?" He had never shown any interest in university.
"He thought you were smart." She shrugged, "He used to say that you underestimated yourself. Said you could do great things if you only put your mind to it."
He clenched his jaw, unreasonably angry at Annette's words. They weren't Alex's words - she was using him to channel her own bitter assumptions about Sebastian. He had been doing nothing but trying his hardest for the past four years. But it wasn't enough; she still saw him as the dumb sixteen year old who would never be good enough for her son. She thought he could have done better - been better.
"Thanks for holding my stuff, Seb." Harvey's voice snapped him back to reality.
"Huh?" Sebastian glanced at his best friend, who was watching him curiously, "Oh, yeah, sure." Sebastian mumbled, handing him his bags. He turned back towards Annette, whose eyes had narrowed - they had always been harsher than Alex's. "This is Harvey." He told her plainly.
She smiled sweetly at him, her eyes darting between the pair of them, "Are you two together?"
Sebastian frowned, "You mean...?"
Harvey laughed, "I'm not really his type."
Sebastian elbowed him in the ribs, resulting in a muffled groan falling from between Harvey's lips. "We're friends." Sebastian said simply, "Roommates." He added.
"Oh." Annette nodded in acknowledgement, "Well, are you seeing anyone?" She pressed.
Sebastian felt like there was a right answer and a wrong answer. He decided to give her the honest one; "Sort of."
"Well, Alex would be pleased." She said, though she didn't sound convinced, "One of his biggest fears was that you would never move on."
Guilt swelled in Sebastian's chest. He dug his hands into his pockets, and his fingers brushed against the ring buried in there. He gulped.
"I'm glad that you've got yourself another boyfriend." She said, "Even if I'll never get another son." And with that, she turned, and disappeared around the corner.
It wasn't until Harvey's hand latched onto Sebastian's shoulder that Sebastian realised that he had stopped breathing.
"Seb." Harvey's voice was hard, cold, "Are you okay?"
Sebastian met Harvey's warm brown eyes, "W-Why would she say that?" He choked out, his voice shaking.
"She's still grieving." Harvey murmured softly. His hand hadn't left Sebastian's arm. "When people are in pain, they tend to get...resentful...that everyone else isn't in pain, too."
Sebastian understood. He used to be the same. He used to hate people for daring to be happy when he was so miserable. He had grown up since, and learnt to enjoy the happiness around him, even if it didn't come from inside him.
"You're allowed to move on, Seb." Harvey reminded him gently.
"I'm not trying to replace him." Sebastian said, "It's important that...that you know that, that she..."
"She knows." Harvey smiled sadly, "It's her son; she knows better than anyone that no one can ever replace him."
"I just don't want to punish myself anymore." Sebastian confessed. He had spent so long refusing to enjoy life, too caught up in his self-inflicted torment. He had spent so long believing that he deserved his misery. He had spent so long not only grieving Alex, but grieving himself, too. "I want to be happy, Harvey. I'm so tired of trying not to be, I just-"
"Then be happy." Harvey said simply.
Felix's words echoed through Sebastian's head; 'You can't spend the rest of your life depriving yourself of happiness.'
"Declan makes you happy." Harvey pressed, "And isn't that all Alex would want - for you to be happy?"
Sebastian dropped his head onto Harvey's shoulder, then wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him in for a hug. He couldn't remember the last time they had hugged - he wasn't sure if they ever had. But it felt good; the intimacy, the comfort, the security.
There were only two places in the entire world where he felt safe; in Harvey's arms, and in Declan's.