"You don't understand, Si. You are not trying at all with Ronnie. You are just lucky that she already fancies you the way you are, but you are not husband material to her." I tell my brother as I follow him out of the kitchen of our flat to jump on his bed.
"What do you mean I'm not husband material to her? I can take care of her." He responds, being a little defensive, taking his shirt off so he can try some outfits for my graduation.
The first thing that pops into my head is seeing my brother's bareback: the emptiness without the dark wings tattooed and all the scars I've seen on Marcel's. I still get sad, and I feel empty not having what we used to have... but it was all a lie.
"I know you can, but it's not about that. She's the right one for you, but you are not even trying to be the right person for her." I try to focus back on the conversation, getting more comfortable on his bed.
"And how can I do that? I thought I was doing alright, was I not?"
"No! She fancies you because you make her laugh, and life seems easier with you. You get along so well. But Ronnie is high maintenance."
"Oh, for fuck's sake, Grace, I don't even understand what's the fuss if I make her happy." He turns around as he struggles to button his shirt.
"It's like buying a new car, a beautiful car, the car you've dreamed about. Once you get it, you give it proper care because of how much it's worth to you, and you need to keep the engine happy so that it doesn't break or rust over time. You need to clean it, wax it, fill the tank, polish it, change the oil, check the engine, et cetera, et cetera. You need to treat Ronnie as if she were a luxurious car. You need to take her out. You need to cherish her. You can't just count on your banter and good sex to keep her around."
"Hey, I'm also fine as hell!" He retorts with cockiness, but it charms me. I've missed him.
"Do you understand now?"
"Yes..."
"So get your head out of your arse and invite her out. Blow her mind. Surprise her. Dress up for her. I don't really like that shirt. It's too formal. It's supposed to be sunny this afternoon. Better have short sleeves."
He unbuttons his shirt and turns back around to look for something decent in his wardrobe. He slides a couple of items left, and I find it amusing that he really wants to make an impression. Graduation is in a few hours, and I've never seen Simon so invested in something. He seems so proud of me. He has even made me breakfast, and we got talking about Ronnie while doing the dishes. We've carried the conversation in his room as he gets dressed. My outfit has been ready since yesterday.
I'm looking forward to going to dinner with the family just after. Now that I'm living with my brother, the family seems closer than ever. William will be there with Cynthia. She insisted on coming to support me. I like it. She's a wonderful girl, and Will seems happier since he's living with her. It reminds me to question him about the psychology course he wanted to take.
"My dress will be bright red under my graduation gown. It would be nice if you'd match with me." I inform him as I get up and off the bed to go dress up as well.
"Wait, is that alright?" He shows me a white and red checkered shirt before I leave his room. I turn around to look at it and nod immediately. I wait for him to put it on and nod again. He looks really good!
"That's perfect, Si. You almost look too good for Ronnie to miss this. I'll text her. Maybe she can come to my graduation as well."
"You're the best, sister." He immediately smiles, his interest in her being so apparent in the way his eyes opened to the mention of her name. I've never seen him act like that for a girl. He's never cared that much! I like it.
"Better bring your A-game, mate." I wink at him and leave his room to get ready myself.
-
Simon drops me at the front of Manchester University and lets me join the other future graduates. I climb the stairs to the rendezvous point I was told to go to at the front door. I think about how thankful I am that Simon suggested dropping me off before joining the rest of the family at the house.
I'm so excited for them to be a part of this with me. They haven't been involved in any way in my life while I was studying. It's mainly my fault. I've pushed them away because my brothers disapproved of Steeve. They were right, but I was too blinded to see how deeply manipulated I was. I've denied my family for years because of him. They should have been my priority and not the other way around. I'm lucky they have forgiven me so easily... I'm glad to have them back into my life. Tonight is the start of a new beginning.
As soon as I reach the group of a hundred people, I realise I'm pretty late. They are already placed in line in alphabetical order. I ask around for everyone's last names to see where I fit in. I learn that people have been waiting in line for about twenty minutes without any further instructions. I have to wait an additional thirty minutes before we are called to the auditorium to practice our entrance, where to sit, and how to receive our diploma. We walk to our assigned seats once we've practised, and we follow more instructions. Thankfully now we have to wait seated. I would have expected an event like this to have been more organised than it is. We always seem to be waiting for something we are not aware of.
I get a little impatient. I shouldn't have worn heels today. I decide to take them off. I didn't even put them back on when we were all told to make our way back into the school's corridors as families and friends have now arrived to take place in the theatre.
I don't know why my mind plays tricks on me, but as I look through the windows to occupy myself while we all wait again, I seem to see Marcel from afar. I try to have a better look, but the man I thought was my ex-boyfriend disappears behind a moving car.
Hallucinations like this have happened frequently since I last saw him weeks ago. It's like I keep searching for him in crowded places. I keep wondering which book he is reading at that moment. I've tried so hard not to chase his ghost, and I've been doing fine, but like a ghost, our love wasn't real. What is real is my success with my studies and my story. And nobody can steal that from me. I've worked hard to achieve both. And that's all that matters.
The doors open widely in front of me and bring me out of my train of thoughts. The line slowly walks forward, and as soon as I set foot in the darkly lit auditorium, we are greeted by ceremonial music. I feel like a first-year going to Hogwarts, greeted by everyone. I feel all excited. It makes me smile. I did it! After all these years, I'm so happy to have grown so much and learned about myself. I can finally be me unapologetically.
I follow the line and take a seat where I have an hour earlier. I don't know where my family is seated, but I get overjoyed by the idea that they are here at all.
The dean starts by welcoming everyone and making a speech about the school's motto and that everyone here has become a better citizen of the world, blah blah blah. I tune out a little, getting overly stressed to go on stage and accept my diploma. A question that echoes within me is, what's next?!
I have a book tour across the UK and the US, and I've got my job as a foreign insider for Shelley Prinston from Montreal. Edith hasn't told me when she has scheduled my tour, but I guess it will not happen very soon. Since Paul was fired, we need another head of marketing to publicise my work.
"Joshua Hammonds."
"Victoria Haven."
I suddenly realise that the woman next to me has gotten up and is called to go on stage to graduate. My turn is next! I'm already supposed to be waiting by the scene to be called!
In a panic and a rush of adrenaline, I don't care about the high heels I hold in my hand that I forgot to put back on. I run to the stairs on the side of the stage.
"Grace Hemingway."
I'm called on the microphone, so I run faster to the stage, climbing the stairs by two. I get to the dean, winded and out of breath, clearly making a fool of myself. Why am I losing it today? I can't seem to focus on anything!
I take the diploma with a hand and smile at the dean, apologising to him as I walk further on the stage to get a picture taken before getting off. I'm sure I hear my brothers cheering my name. I can't see where they are sitting, but I try to look harder once I'm off the stage and out of the spotlight. I see Simon waving. I recognise him quickly, knowing he wears the red shirt we have picked together this morning. I raise my diploma in the air and proudly shake it to show my excitement. I can't wait for the ceremony to be over so that I can join my family.
I walk back to my seat and wait for everyone to be finally graduated. We are congratulated, and we are pronounced graduates. We pick our caps, and we throw them in the air. I've never felt freer in my life. I start laughing and close my eyes, savouring this precious moment. This is crazy! So much has happened in my years here!
Yet again, I'm so caught in my thoughts that I don't realise that people start mingling and walking out of the auditorium. I open my eyes to look for my cap. It is offered to me by the man next to me. I look up to thank him, but nothing comes out of my throat. My heart bounces widely in my chest at the sight of him. It starts to race, and I have this need to swallow to hydrate my suddenly dry throat.
"What- Why are you here?" I stutter and make a bigger fool of myself as I have done today.
"You have invited me, remember?" Marcel responds to me, smiling so beautifully I get weak in the knees. Why did he have to come AND be this gorgeous?!
"That was before I knew the truth." I retort, trying to be firm, but I'm not arrogant or mean. I just wasn't expecting this, and I don't want to ruin this memorable day by making a scene.
"You know her truth. Not mine."
"Why now, Mace? I won't let you ruin my day." I respond confidently.
"I'm not here to ruin it, Grace." He steps closer and softens his voice as he continues. "I just can't stay away from you any longer."
"And it took you a month to figure that out."
"It took a month for me to gather the courage to come to see you again. I couldn't just-"
"Grace! Congratulations, love!" I hear my dad, so I totally ignore Marcel and turn my back to him to step towards my family and hug them all.
It feels so good to feel their support. I've missed them terribly. William is by far the proudest and the happiest. He holds me tighter than anyone else. And I understand why when he puts his lips to my ear.
"Is it OK if I ask Cynthia to marry me tonight after dinner? Cough if it's OK." He tells me nonchalantly.
I step back from him and start coughing profusely. He immediately laughs, and it multiplies how special today is of all days. My brother is getting engaged!
I hug Cynthia and tell her how happy I am that she could come, and then I do the same with Ronnie standing by Simon's side. I jump in her arms, delighted she is here. I've missed her banter so much. We used to see each other every day to not at all in the last few months. I'm so happy to be back home in Manchester!
"Are you ready to head to dinner, Grace? Your friend can come as well. I've made a reservation. They are waiting for us." Dad says to me as he invites Marcel to join. I look at him, hoping he will decline, but he doesn't. On the contrary, he seems happy about it.
"You can drive with me, Grace, if you will. We'll follow you, Mr Hemingway." He smiles gracefully as Dad nods with a smile. Everyone seems to agree to this plan and already walk out of the auditorium before I can even say something.
"Why did you do that? Why did you agree to come?" I murmur to him as we follow everyone, not being too happy about the way we are spending my special day.
"Because I want to share this moment with you."
"I've already had one boyfriend ruining my college experience for me. I won't let you ruin this final day." My comment was arrogant, I agree, but I don't feel bad about it. Marcel has hurt me voluntarily.
"I know what I've done to you and how it seems, but you believed everything she's said without even asking me if it was true." He tugs on my hand to stop me from following my family. I look at him when he speaks. But as soon as his sentence is done, I get out of the auditorium. "I don't know what she has told you, but you owe it to me to at least listen to what I have to say."
"I owe nothing to you or to anyone, Marcel. I'm free now. No Steeve, no you, I'm free."
"Is that really how you see it?"
"I have no other choice than to see it that way. You broke my heart. I thought I would spend the rest of my days with you. I loved you. But it was all a lie."
"It started as a lie, but it wasn't. Not when I got to know you."
"It doesn't matter anymore, Marcel."
"Yes, it does!" He grows impatient of how cold I am becoming because he doesn't know how hard I have cried over him.
He doesn't know how many times I've read our emails and texts over and over again to try to see hints of what Kate told me so that I can move on better but never really did. Even just now talking to him, I'm hurt. Now, I know what is best for me. It's to be with my family.
I don't say anything to him until we get outside. He doesn't add anything more, but he tugs on my hand to walk me away from the front steps leading to the parking. As soon as he finds a remotely intimate place, he pushes me against the building to assault me with his kiss. I don't resist it. I realise how undividedly I had been craving for it.
He presses his pelvis to mine, making the space between him and me and the building the tightest it can be. It arouses me as quickly as it has always had. He knows my desires and my body. There's no denying that. I let myself embrace his neck with both hands. My fingers absentmindedly run through the roots of his hair to have a better hold of him. It started softly, but now that I'm returning it back to him, he grows hungrier. And I grow... dependent of him.
I part instantly and look to the ground with shame. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have let him reopen the scars he did on my heart. I feel so sad that we are over because I know that if I let him in again, it's like I haven't learned anything from my relationship with Steeve.
"I love you, Grace. It has always been true to me. Sure I turned everything into sex as soon as Kate was texting me. I didn't know better. But now I do, because of you. You can't ask me to know something I haven't learned before. I don't know what love is when you are not with me."
"You only say that because she's gone, so you can't hide behind anything."
"Yes, I've run from my demons before, but I wasn't even aware I was doing it before I met you." It doesn't matter how much he keeps saying nice things to me. I won't budge. And he senses it, so he seems desperate to add something to convince me. "I'm seeing a therapist. I've seen him four times already. He helps me see my priorities and my goals in life, something I never really thought about. And you are in every one of them."
"This doesn't change the fact that you have used me!"
"Then I won't publish my story. You mean more to me than that! The first time we made love, you touched my heart. You felt how fast it was beating for you. You changed my ways. I sang My Funny Valentine to you. And maybe I never told you this, but my father died on Valentine's Day. And you made me love you stronger than the pain I kept of this day. I'm not asking you to forget everything, just to give me another chance. I love you, Grace. Each time I squeezed your hand to tell you, it was never a lie."
He looks at me with such intensity and hope. I wish I could give him what he asks of me, but right now, I can't. I can't, and I don't want to. Even though I do.
"I need time, Marcel. I did love you, now I'm not sure what I loved about you. I don't know what was true about you. I'm happy you are getting help. You need it. It will make you feel better. But I need to feel better about myself too, and I can't do that and be with you. I need to be on my own, and you do too. We need to find ourselves, and if we are meant to be together, we'll find a way to each other." I tell him softly, grieving all the love I had and still have for him.
As a goodbye, I get on the tip of my toes and press my lips one last time to his. I try to fight the comfort I feel and this feeling of home he reminds me of. He was a best friend for the time it lasted. He was a mentor and a saviour to me. And never will I let him be nothing else than the best memory of what love truly is to me.
But I'm not alone anymore. I might have lost two boyfriends and two men that made me the woman I am today, but I gained a genuine love that is worthless. I found my way back to my family. They will never let me down, and they will never stop loving me, even if I make a fool of myself still walking barefoot on the pavement as I make my way to their cars, leaving Marcel behind. Our journey together is over, but another has just begun.
THE END