He is lying on his back with a steady breathing pattern making his chest rise and fall slower than mine. His skin is smooth and a little sweaty. It gives a soft, salty taste to every kiss I trail on his body. His locks are running wild on my pillows as he looks at the ceiling.
He sighs deeply, and I stop my train of thoughts to dive my gaze into the beautiful green orbs that now search for my eyes.
"What is it?" He asks me when he sees me staring at him.
I frown a second, debating if I should tell him or not. But I then decide to just say it.
"I think you have a saviour complex."
He savours my words as if he wasn't sure if he likes the taste or not. His brows have frowned, and he takes a moment to think my words through.
"Maybe I'm like that because of you. You are always in trouble." He smirks shyly at me, and I am both pleased and surprised by his response.
"I'm not!"
"You are. You might be the most reckless woman I know." He exclaims with more expression on his face.
"That isn't true. In fact, tonight, I might have just needed an excuse to see you again."
He chuckles slightly, but his smile fades to a stern and concerned look on his face. His eyes are agitated. He seems to be thinking. I can see the thoughts flying through his eyes.
"But you are right."
"About what?"
"I do tend to act like a saviour. At least, with you."
"Why would you think that is?"
"I don't know..." He looks away, trying to find his answer somewhere else.
"Do you think it's because we were both bullied in school? So you feel somehow that we are linked?"
"Linked?"
"I don't know, OK... I'm just trying to understand you."
He looks down without adding another word. There's another silence where only the sound of our breaths is heard.
"I think it might be because of my dad."
At this moment, I want to ask so many questions. I want to know more, but I keep quiet. I just want to know more about him. He is opening up, and it makes my heart jump in my chest that he finally does.
"There's a reason why I loathe going to Camden. It's crazy, but I always get this overtaking feeling inside me when I think about it. I spent all of my life away from that part of town, and there you were. I guess-"
He keeps his sentence on hold, at a loss of words or something. My curiosity is feeling very impatient to have him finish his thought.
"You guess what?" I whisper gently to invite him with all of my soul to conclude his thought.
"...you make me feel something stronger than my fears to make me go back there..." He sighs as he murmurs these beautiful words, still looking down at his hands resting on his chest.
Although he had just told me how deep his feelings go, I didn't care as much as I wanted to help him. He is opening up, and I want him to free himself from these demons he has kept for himself all of his life. He needs some light, and I reckon I could be that for him. At least, I would like to be.
"My dad was murdered there."
All the air is sucked out of my lungs. His words are like a punch right on my throat. I never would have guessed, and I feel so terribly sorry to always bring him back there.
"I'm so sorry, Mace."
"That's not even the worst part..." He sighs and looks away.
"What could be worse than that?"
"I was there with him."
"You were with him when he died? Dear God... What happened? Why was he killed? What happened to you?"
"I got hurt too... My father tried to protect me, saying that I was just a child, his child, to get some mercy from the bastard, but he just abandoned us. When the medics arrived, Dad didn't want to be helped before I got all the care I needed. I left with them with the promise that other paramedics were on their way and that we would see each other back at the hospital. I never saw him again. He died right after I left. I will never forgive myself for that, Grace."
I pull him to my chest and press his head against my breasts. "It is not your fault. It has never been and will never be."
I did that to show him that I am irrevocably there for him. I want to comfort him with all of my heart. But I also didn't want him to see me cry. He needs my support, and there's no way that I will let him know how it affects me to know that.
He was just fifteen!
I rub his back as his embrace becomes stronger. I kiss the top of his head as my heart breaks to realise how selfish I have been tonight and all of those times. I can't believe he went through all that.
And as if nothing ever happened, he straightens up and wipes his tears, turning his back to me, and I panic. He sits in the middle of the bed, his head hidden in both of his hands, as I can see his back moving with the silent sobs he is making. I try to understand what is going on, and that is the only explanation I find.
"Mace, it's completely natural to let all this pain out. You are so strong. You have been so strong all your life. It's OK to show how hurt you are. It isn't weakness. You can not talk about it anymore, but I just want you to know that I am here for you. I am not leaving you." I tell him softly, hoping it can give him some sort of comfort, but he doesn't move, apart from every breath he takes.
I rub his back, and I literally feel every scar he has under his tattoed skin for the first time. There isn't just one. I feel three little bumps and an inch long one at the top of his back, close to his neck, under his right scapula. Instinctively, I pull him closer and press my lips to kiss it. I embrace his back the best that I can, realising that he has been through so much more than anyone could think of. He might be one of the bravest men I know. I admire him.
"He would be so proud of you." I let out, resting my cheek to his skin, getting cooler than it was earlier. I really try to bring him all the supports he needs.
"You don't know that." He lets out coldly, wiping his tears with the back of his hand before he turns his head to look at me.
"I know I am. I have absolute trust in you, Marcel."
"Why?"
"Because I feel like I know you."
"I have told you too much." The coldness of his tone is only getting harder.
"Is that a bad thing?"
"I don't know. Is it?" I can't see his face clearly, and I get horrified at how guarded he quickly becomes.
"It isn't for me. I really like getting to know you. How do you feel about it? I feel like you might be more conflicted about it than me."
"I feel like I don't know you so well, and I have little reason to trust you." He surprises me, and I can't hide the shock on my face. I feel completely blindsided.
My heart literally drops the lowest it can. I feel myself sinking deep into the bed, and it takes everything inside of me to stop the tears rushing into my eyes from falling.
"You don't know me as much because I have been asking all the questions. You are welcome to do the same. Did I ever give you a reason not to trust me?"
I kneel on the bed, getting desperate and lost. He can't shut me out like that. He knows me. Where is this coming from?!
Tears fall from my eyes as he looks away. His eyes look lost, utterly oblivious to how he is crushing me right now. He stands up and gathers his clothes outside of the bed. He leans to take them from the floor and only looks at me once he is dressed up again.
"This has been... fun. In another life, in another time, I'll see you around." He says very formally as if it meant shit. What the fuck is going on!?
I get up as well as he makes his way out of the room. I take a shirt and put it on my naked body just to cover me.
"Why are you shutting me out? Marcel?" I run to him by the door as he is clearly shutting me out.
"Goodbye." He only says the time our eyes connect deeply together in a way that brings chills to my body and tears to my eyes.
He opens the door and leaves the flat, closing the door quickly behind him to make sure I don't follow him. I am too wonderstruck to know what to do or know what to think. I have trouble breathing. My throat is dry. My forehead collides with the door as I can't contain the sobs anymore. I feel entirely empty. I don't know what happened.
He just left me. I thought we had something. He just ended it. I don't even know what it was, but we connected. Never have I felt more understood in my life. We are both two problematic people, but together, it works. We balance each other. I know he doesn't trust easily, and that's why I felt so lucky to be. Why did he just say the contrary? He even told Sophie I was one of the four people he trusted in his life. What happened?
I have been authentic and genuine and loving and understanding, and he throws it all in my face like I am nothing, without even a single warning. I guess Sophie had given me the warning. She knew he would leave me like he did with that other woman. I should have known. I should have fucking known.
My brain gets fucked with all the memories and the questions running through my head that I just want to shut down the voices. I'll face reality tomorrow. I need to change my mind.
I can't believe what just happened...
We had something so special...
All I have been doing was standing completely naked for him, emotionally. I let him in without any guard, just a curiosity that led me to be genuinely attracted to the person he is through our close work relationship.
He is just afraid.
It's not your fault.
He has been abandoned by everyone in his life, and when he realises that I wasn't going to, he gets scared.
He told me that I was ruining his routine. Maybe he is just lost.
I wanted so much to be there for him, to make him see the greater things in life without being alone or unhappy or cold all the time. He is a genuine wonderful being, he had shown me minutes ago.
I can't believe he shut me out again.
When I take over my emotional distress, I get back into my room, and I can see, feel and smell him everywhere. I get another wave of tears rushing through me. I decided to make my overnight bag already and put it next to the door. I take a pillow and a blanket and lay on the couch to get some sleep. I program an alarm to leave early in the morning. I take my phone and decide to watch videos of my adorable and hilarious James Corden. He can always bring a smile to my face, and I need it.
The following day, I get up and get dressed without making a sound. I take my things and leave a note to Sophie.
"Hi, Sophie,
I will be gone for more than three days. You were right about everything. The boys have a show in Manchester next week. I will stay there until then. You are welcome to join me. Text me whenever.
I look forward to getting the gang back together.
I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye in person.
Take care of yourself.
Lots of love,
Grace -xx-"