I am actually being woken up by the beautiful chant of birds outside my window. The light of day peeks through my curtains. I roll on my side and ravish again, with my eyes closed, of the dream I was having. I want to feel like that again. I am actually struck that what comes to my mind is memories and not dreams. I remember what it was like to wake in Marcel's bed. It felt so good. I don't know what about that experience made me feel good, but it did. I felt at ease. Maybe it was because of what had happened when we went to bed the night before...
I took off my shirt and got between the sheets. They were so cold and soft to the touch, I instantly felt relief and incredible ease. As I was taking in every feeling and ravishing in the comfort of Marcel's bed, he quickly laid next to me and went on with confidence with his usual routine. It made me laugh, but it was adorable. He had his glasses on the tip of his nose, his back half-pressed on his pillow on the headboard and a book tightly held between his large hands. He was flickering through the pages to his bookmark, and he set it down to continue his reading.
I rolled on my side and looked at him in silence until he had had enough of my staring. I then asked him to read Bukowski's poems out loud, and he did. It took some time, but I snooked to his side and laced my arms with his warm body. He let me embrace him, and after a while, we just ended up talking together.
We talked like we never had talked before. It was genuine and so simple. It was intimate without being sexual. It was perfect. Each of his kisses was moving my soul as well as making my heart burst. It made it so easy to keep on going, following the pace of our passion until we made love again. It felt so natural...
There's something so incredibly freeing to be waking up alone. I have the large bed to myself. I get to take my time and waste most of it as I please. I might actually enjoy living on my own, apart from sharing this flat with Sophie. I have been living, thinking, cooking for two for the last five years now. I don't know how to live by myself and be selfish. Since I have come to London, I have been more and more selfish, but the habit is still there.
Talking with Ash yesterday made me realise how we have nothing literally in common except our musical taste. We had a lovely time nonetheless. He told me about his family and what life was like for him back in Australia. He barely asked me about my family, but I am glad. With all the questions Marcel raised into my mind about my supposedly 'daddy issues', I preferred not to be talking about my family to not make it obvious. I am still actively trying to figure that out. Is that any true at all?
I brush it off and get out of bed. I take the first shirt I see with a pair of jeans I find in my drawer. I am going to take this day to relax and do absolutely nothing. I should probably enjoy Netflix a bit. I never use it because I never have the time. Now I finally do have some time, and I want to do nothing. I want to make myself get bored. Maybe I could draw. That's something I haven't done in a long while. Maybe I could paint my nails. Maybe I could run some errands and get this place to look a bit more like me and fill Sophie's fridge. I could cook too. I could prepare some meals in advance and freeze them like I used to do back in Manchester. It would be so much easier for Sophie when she gets back from work, and it could make many lunches to bring to work. That's a good idea.
Now that I think about it, I remember I wanted to spend some time and get to know her better. I am going to be living with her for I don't know how long. So, we must establish a good relationship and get along.
I head out of my room and look for something to eat, but since everything is Sophie's, I actually feel inadequate to take her food. I decide to head out and walk to the ASDA a kilometre away. The air outside feels good on my skin. The air is fresh and pure, and I feel so great. Why do I feel so good today? I have no clue, but I have been thinking a lot about myself, analysing myself, and it made me realise how I have never been alone for five years.
Realising that makes me understand how natural it is to throw myself into the first relationship, whatever they were, I could have. Ashley and Marcel are the greatest examples. I think I am scared of being alone... No, I don't think that's quite it... I feel good when I am alone, solitary... I am quite the loner. I think, actually, I might like to have someone to hide behind... Someone to dominate me... I think I am strong, and I can talk care of myself on my own, but I like to know that somebody has my back. That's what I have been accustomed to for five years. More or less... At least, that's what I fooled myself into thinking.
Maybe that's why I am feeling so strongly about Marcel. He is so confident and owns who he is without caring about the preconceptions of this world. Him, showing up to help me in Manchester really started it all, and I think it might be the reason why.
I fill my cart with everything I seem to crave for, being way too in my head, thinking about everything else than the food I will have to buy. It's so incredibly amazing to know I have money now. I can put whatever I want in my cart without calculating every item. So many errands got me terribly anxious because a product was at the wrong price and we didn't have enough money. I'm British, so in no way I felt comfortable correcting the cashier. It was always the struggle. Hopefully, this time is behind me now, and I will live from my writing from now on. At least, I hope I will.
When I get home, I find Sophie awake and looking for something to eat inside the fridge. I smile widely and close the door behind me. My arms are exhausted from carrying my four bags of groceries. I lock the door behind me and gather my bags to join her in the kitchen.
"'Morning." She says, clearly still very sleepy.
"Good morning. How are you doing?" I put my bags on the small kitchen table and undo them.
"I'm managing. Did you just buy food?" I get her attention and notice how heartbroken she must be more than tired.
"I did. It's the least I can do." I look at her sitting down at the table, taking her cup of coffee in her hands as I fill the fridge.
"I made coffee. Do you want some?"
"No, thanks. I might boil myself some water and make myself a tea."
"I don't have much. I rarely make some, only when I need to calm down."
"It's fine. I bought my own." I take it out of my bag. I show it to her before putting it next to her on the counter. "English Breakfast."
I instantly think of Marcel. I wonder what he is doing this morning. Is he at the gym? He should be done with it by now... Maybe he is working on his thesis... I hope he is. I had such a pleasant time with him last night and the night before. He made me feel so good in so many ways. I smirk at the memory. I miss him. I can't wait to see him again. I have to wait a whole week...
I turn around and look at Sophie. She rests lazily her head on her hand, and looks at the kitchen blankly. She must miss Lucas too, but she can't see him in a week. She seems so sulky. I really need to strengthen our bond and change her mind.
"I see only two ways of how this can go," I tell her as I put the bags in the recycling bin and join her back at the table to sit in front of her. "We can make a mean English Breakfast and have fun while feeling bloated, or we can both sit here and cry to Bed Of Roses."
"Tough choice." She frowns and smiles slightly, playing along. "I really want to eat like a pig. I am in one of those kinds of moods. But I'm always up for some music, even more for Bon Jovi."
"Then, you are in for a treat," I smirk at her and take my phone in my back pocket.
I click on the screen a few times, and the song starts to play. I begin to smirk and grin at her as I start my magic in the kitchen. I boil myself some water to make my tea. I get the food out of the fridge to start cooking in the meantime.
I run through my entire playlist of groovy rock songs by the time our plates of fuming sausages are in front of us. We eat like there is no tomorrow, and we are having fun, but, mostly, nobody is judging anybody. I love it. We feel no shame at all to feel undeniably full after breakfast. So we lay back on our chairs, feeling lazy as fuck, and look at our empty plates with discouragement. I am clearly not in the mood to clean up the dirty dishes now, and so must be Sophie. So, we just stay seated in front of each other, listening to the music, small talking until something in her tone and her eyes changes.
"I haven't said earlier, but I love your change of hair. It's very different, but it's gorgeous." She smiles at me, resting a hand on her bloated belly.
I smile instantly at her comment as it is the first time in my life where my colour of hair is appreciated that much.
"Thank you very much."
"Why did you choose to dye your hair ginger?"
"It's my natural colour of hair, but I had them dyed blonde these last five years."
"I like it a lot. You seem happier?"
"Happier?"
"It makes your eyes pop, and your face seems to be more coloured and bright. Happy." She frowns a second as she precises but ultimately smiles back at me.
"Well, despite my hair, I am happier," I admit and smile wider.
She looks down and straightens herself on her chair. She leans on the table and pushes her plates slightly farther from her. She puts both of her elbows on the table and rests her chin on her joined hands.
"Does it have anything to do with the date you had last night?" Her question surprises me, and I don't even realise the bright grin plastered on my face. "I guess that's a yes."
"How do you know about that?" I frown slightly and bite my lip absentmindedly.
"Ashley."
"Nobody has ever made me feel that way before." I let out, being the open book I always am. "It was great."
"Not even my cousin? I can guess how hard it must have been, he is such a jerk, but it can't always have been that bad through five years of relationship?"
"It wasn't always horrible. We had our ups and downs. Ash was the first to make me feel something greater than I had ever felt with Stee, but it doesn't compare to what Marcel can make me feel... I finally felt like my own self and appreciated that way. It's--"
"Wait... Marcel? Marcel Wight?!" She frowns harder, and I mirror her.
"Yes... Didn't Ash tell you?"
"Not who it was with, no."
"Well, we had a very nice time." I put back my smile on my lips, but her mood makes it hard to feel as genuinely happy as it really makes me.
"Don't get too attached." She seriously warns me, and it freaks me out because I have never felt as strongly about somebody in my life. It makes me lose all sense of what I thought I knew about love.
"Why?" I am instinctively on the fence.
"That's what happened to my roommate. She got played. He just used her for sex until she was too blindly in love with him that it broke her heart. She left two months ago, a month before you got here."
"What happened?" I ask, already heartbroken, thinking Marcel must have been too good to be true. But something inside of me clings onto him. What we had is true. It feels true. It can't all be a lie.
"I just learned about it the last weeks. She was always disappearing, barely home. She was always calling him Marcel, and nobody at work called him that. She was always doing overtime. It appears she satisfied his urges no matter where they were, his office, his car... That's only from what she had told me once I figured it out. There must have been loads more I don't know about. But she was in it deep."
"Did she quit, or did he fire her?" I manage to say as I find myself very, very jealous and disappointed.
"I don't know... She just left. It was like our friendship was nothing compared to the ache she was suffering from him. I mean... She should have known sooner. That man is a jerk."
"No, he isn't." I hurry out before I can stop myself. But am I really sure, now, of who he is?
"Look... I am sorry to say all this to you when you seem to be getting along good together. He seemed somehow decent when I saw him with you, but that isn't how I have learned to know him. I don't want my opinion about him to hurt you, but just be vigilant towards his intentions." She stops herself, visibly sorry and smiles slightly, but the damage is done.
I doubt him now, which I wasn't before. We have shared too many personal things for it to be just make-believes between us. I made it clear to him I wouldn't let him use me for sex, so if it's what he is doing, shame on me...
"It's OK. These are things I should know before it gets too late." I let out bitterly as it seems to have ruined my mood and, quite honestly, my relationship.
What shocks me the most is that he knew where I lived, and he didn't say anything. His ex-lover stayed at the same address I do, and he didn't say a fucking thing. I shouldn't be surprised he knew where to find me when he surprised me with Ash that morning a couple of weeks ago.
That's it! I am pissed! Fucking annoyed, even.
"Want to go out tonight? I feel like getting him out of my mind." I tell her, planning on getting drunk.
"You can always count me in."