*Mature Content Warning*
This chapter discusses s/a and other triggering topics.
——
"I don't want to get up." Draco groaned in to my hair. I let out a whimper and tucked my face back into his warm chest to block out the daylight that was filling the room. "How many more nights am I going to have to let you sleep in here with me?" He chuckled, grabbing a handful of my hair and tugging my head back gently so he could see my sleepy face.
"Until my nightmares stop." I huffed, pulling my head away from his hand and laying my face back against his skin.
"I'm surprised you trust me enough to sleep in here with me. I am the nightmare itself, after all." He joked, wrapping his arms around my lower back and pulling me into him. "Not that I've been minding. I like getting to touch you without you denying me." He whispered, nibbling on my earlobe. I let out a small laugh and tried to shove him away, but he tightened his arms and held on to me. "This is nice, isn't it?"
"Mmhm," I sighed, running my fingers along his hip while I kept my eyes shut.
"I don't get nightmares when you stay with me." He told me, but it was quite obvious as he slept through the last couple nights. "Blaise is supposed to be here any minute. I just don't want to do it anymore." He whispered, making himself more comfortable and holding on to me.
"I'm glad you're doing this. Getting help." I mumbled sheepishly.
"I'm trying. Just wish it wasn't such a long process." He told me tiredly.
"We have as long as it takes." I reminded him, but he let out an amused laugh.
"If it ever works. I can't fake affections towards you forever." He joked. Ouch. It didn't sting as bad as it would have weeks ago. I was coming to terms with our situation now. "I better get going. I'll see you later." He sighed, removing his arms from my torso and crawling out of his bed. "Maybe we can do something together tonight." He suggested, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and looping the laces together.
"What? You'd rather hang out with me instead of your boyfriends for once?" I teased him, sitting up on his bed and watching him get dressed.
"I hang out with them every other night. I want to try something new." He shrugged. "Like I said— I'm trying. I'm trying for you, Emelia." He grew serious as he peaked up at me with his eyes.
"That's what you told me while I was high out of my mind and dreaming." I laughed, but he didn't join in as he placed his hands on the bed and crawled over me slightly.
"I'll make you a deal. If you stop playing around with drugs, I'll stop something." He whispered huskily, his eyes resting on my lips. My heart stopped for a moment, and I felt my breathing hitch from how close he was.
"You stop thinking you'll never love me again, and I'll stop." I bargained with him, and his lips curled up into a smirk.
"I can work with that." He nodded. "Step 1- meeting with Blaise. Step 2- date tonight. Me and you." He told me, standing up straight and walking towards the door.
"Did I hear that correctly? A date?" I called after him.
"Don't make me repeat it or I'll change my mind." He yelled back, his back still face me as he walked out the door.
•
Blaise led me to the lower level where he had been helping Draco all afternoon. I didn't think it was a good idea, but Blaise said he thought it would help speed up the process.
"You know what I realized last night?" He asked me, and I let out a loud laugh.
"I don't think I want to know about the things running through your brain." I teased him, but he just snickered at my comment.
"What if you just slip the lad a love potion?" He asked me and I stopped in my tracks.
"Blaise Zabini!" I scolded, slapping his shoulder as hard as I could.
"OW!" He screamed, rubbing the spot painfully.
"I am not cheating!" I informed him. "You of all people know how insufferable those things are! We ate some!" I reminded him.
"Well, right," he continued as he opened the door to the library, "but it's so easy." He shrugged.
The noise of our approach made Draco look up from the book he was playing with.
"Fancy seeing you here," he quirked a brow, a little confused about why he was seeing me so soon when we only had plans for this evening.
"I think that I should do a little bit of my work, and then I think that you should sit here." He dragged a chair into the center of the room, "and Emmy I think you should sit here," he pulled one directly in front of the other. I sat down and faced Draco, not sure what Blaise was planning.
"I really think that I'm on the verge of a breakthrough." Blaise told us, his eyes focused on Draco. "I can see what's holding you back, but it's a little blurry, and I think that it's going to be really painful for me to pull it out of you. So, I brought our special guest, Miss Emelia Jane," he pointed to me, "to make you keep going when it hurts." He informed him.
"I'd rather Emelia just do it." Draco shook his head, his eyes hesitant as he looked at his best friend. "Whatever it is, it's too personal— obviously. I know you can see what's going on in my head while you're showing my memories to me, hence my brain subconsciously putting up an occlumency spell to block you out. I guess I just don't want you to see whatever it is." He told him.
"No, I don't even know how to do it. Or what I'm doing." I protested, not understanding why he'd want me to do it instead.
"Please, Emelia, you were a much better wizard than I was for years— up until the Dark Lord taught me a few tricks. It's easy enough. You just have to use legilimency on me, skim through our best memories together, that's all Blaise has really done and I already think it's helped." Draco shrugged. Mr. Know-It-All.
"That's all I've done because I can't get past the other thing. The one thing that I really think is stopping you." Blaise argued with him, growing more annoyed.
"I want Emmy to do it." Draco argued back. His silver eyes looked into mine across from him and I pondered for a moment. "Please just do it. I don't want Blaise to see what's in my head. What if it's embarrassing?" He shook his head softly. I nodded slowly before I looked at Blaise.
"Just wait in the hall, and I'll come get you if I need to." I told him. He gave me an unconvinced face before he let out a sigh of defeat.
"Fine." He mumbled, dropping his head and walking towards the door.
"Alright, now all you have to do is concentrate. Just hold your wand out and say 'legilimens'. Should work for you." He crossed his ankle over his knee and leaned back in his seat. He almost looked amused as he folded his hands across his belt.
"I have a feeling you're mocking me." I narrowed my eyes and pulled out my wand.
"No." He shook his head. "Just never thought I'd see the day where I was teaching you a lesson. You always were the smart one." He winked, making my cheeks fill with heat.
"Okay, I'm gonna go now." I stood up and took a step towards him.
"Wait," he grabbed my hand swiftly and pulled me on to his lap so I straddled him. "If it hurts, don't stop. It always gets easier with time." He whispered seductively, a smirk pulling on to his lips while his minty breath fanned across my face.
"You are such a perv." I hit his chest and climbed off of him. "Are you ready?" I asked him, holding my wand up. He gave me an unbothered nod. "Legilimens."
—
A baby. A small baby, laying across from another. Brown, green eyes and a no toothed smile. A girl. Dressed in a pink jumper and a full head of brown hair on top of her head.
Her little hands kept hitting his small pale face, and I could hear squeaky laughter as he watched her intensely. His eyes were piercing and clear like water. He looked bald next to her, his head covered in a sort of baby fuzz that would grow out one day.
"Mmm, she's a heartthrob, isn't she, Drake?" Narcissa teased him as she leaned over the bars of the crib and watched the two. "Do you love her? Hmm? Do you love our little Emmy?" Narcissa's baby voice cooed while her fingers traced over the soft hair on my head.
The baby boy's eyes never left the girl. Narcissa was right when she told me about us. He's hypnotized.
The boy's hands continued grabbing at the girl as she did the same thing to him, constantly trying to hold on to one another and play mischievously.
"You two are a piece of work." Narcissa chuckled, watching the babies play.
—
"Drake, play hopscotch with me. I'm bored." I whined while Draco laid on the grass. He let out a dramatic sigh and continued gawking at the clouds above him, but he made no effort in getting up.
"Look, Emmy," Draco pointed up at the sky. I dragged my feet to where he was and laid down next to him. "That one looks like a toad." He pointed. I giggled at his silliness before he shot me a look. "What? It does!" He laughed, he grabbed my hand in his and made me point up at the fluffy cloud so I could try and see it. "Right there."
"I'd much rather stare at the stars. These don't even look like real shapes! This is boring." I chuckled, getting off of the ground and dusting myself off.
"Oh, you're boring." He swatted me away. "Go play your stupid hopscotch. I'll just explore my imagination by myself." He told me, looking back out across the sky.
"You're a nutter." I cringed and skipped away from him.
—
"I want Drake." I sobbed to Snape while I sunk to the ground. Snape's eyes scanned the worried crowd before his voice filled some of the silence in the air.
"Malfoy. Get down here," he called out casually. If students weren't staring at me, they were staring at Harry. And if they weren't staring at Harry, it was Cedric.
Draco pushed through the sea of students vigorously before he sprinted across the grass and sat on his knees next to me. "Get her to leave," Snape told him lowly. "Perhaps a trip to the dungeons is needed." He suggested as he stood up.
"Hey, my love. It's okay." Draco choked out while I laid on the grass, screaming so loudly I thought my vocal chords would rip. His shaky hand grazed across my cheek as my red face was swelling and turning puffy from all of my tears. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" He asked cautiously, his fingers brushed themselves across a few scrapes on my face. I shook my head, making him nod in contentment.
"Come here, sweetheart. Just let me hold you," Draco whispered, placing his hands under my armpits and pulling me off of the ground slightly. I wrapped my arms around his neck as tightly as I could and placed my sobbing face against the skin of his neck. "Shhh. I'm right here. You're safe now." He whispered, wrapping his arms around my torso tightly.
"Draco," I sobbed loudly. He held my head against his neck and shushed me again.
"I've got you, Emmy. You're okay. I'm right here, it's okay." He whispered. He slowly stood from the ground, dragging me up with him. He moved his hands to the backs of my thighs and picked me up without any warning. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held on to him tightly.
I had never realized how thankful I'd be to smell mahogany apple or amber wood again. Spearmint and cologne. But when I held on to Draco, my heart felt like it was full, despite the sadness it felt.
—
"This is pretty boring, you know." Draco chuckled, but I shushed him as we swirled into another memory.
—
"I hate this," Draco huffed, squinting his eyes slightly before he slipped a pair of black sunglasses onto the bridge of his nose. I tutted once as I turned to face him on the dance floor.
"Be a good boy for me, and I'll give you a treat tonight." I promised him, winking while I bent over to bow before him with innocent eyes. His eyes peaked over his glasses as they remained on my slightly exposed chest. His tongue grazed over his lips and he put his hand into mine to lead the way.
"I'm the one that gives you rewards for being good." He mumbled seriously as his eyes stayed over my head. He had grown an inch or so over the summer and was finally starting to edge me out in height.
"I think I control you, too." I whispered seductively in his ear as I pressed my chest against his. He chuckled lowly while his hand moved to the small of my back and pushed my hips against his slightly.
"Is that so?" He laughed at me. My breathing hitched in my throat for a second before I nodded my head. "You're so confident when you talk until I touch you, love. Why's that?" He whispered lowly in my ear. "Give it time, and you'll be begging me to fuck you one of these nights." He growled before he kissed my ear lobe. My eyes widened as he leaned away from me, his jaw still locked and serious like nothing had just happened.
—
"You have been acting off all day. Like you don't like me anymore or something." I whispered while we sat on the ground in the quidditch pitch, this being the first time he truly showed me any affection in what felt like ages.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're my Emmy. I will always like you." He smiled, using his thumb to wipe a few tears from my cheeks.
"Like me? Or love me?" I whispered brokenly. His smile fell slightly before his lips pressed to mine softly.
"Love. I will always love my Emmy." He emphasized, brushing his nose against mine carefully.
—
The next spot was a bit of a blur, but I reached out with my free hand that wasn't holding my wand and grabbed a hold of Draco's. "There's nothing you can show me that will ever change any perspective I have of you." I told him softly. "If it hurts, I'll stop."
"Don't." He clutched my hand tighter. "I trust you more than anyone. I want this. I want to try."
"Then we'll use a safe word. If you cannot bare it anymore, yell..."
"Hazel." He cut me off. I crinkled my nose and went to question him, but he clarified soon enough. "For your eyes." I nodded once and went to continue.
"Hazel." I whispered.
—
"I love Emelia." Draco told his father as he stood in the center of his study. "I love Emelia and she loves me." He was no more than 14. I could tell by the length of his hair and how small he appeared.
"There is no such thing, Draco!" Lucius hissed. "Love isn't real!" He argued. My father sat in a lounge chair and laughed at Draco, making the boy's ears turn pink as he grew flustered.
"Do you get feelings about her? Is that why you think you're 'in love'?" He mocked. Draco nodded his head slowly, but he hadn't caught on to what Lucius was talking about. "Not romantically, Draco. Physically. You're at that age. I could see where you'd be confused because she makes you feel good-"
"Lucius." My father warned, setting his glass down. "We are not going to talk of my child this way any longer." He seethed. Lucius let out an annoyed sigh before he looked back at his son.
"Any woman can make that better, Draco. Aren't there plenty of girls at school?" He questioned him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Draco nodded slowly and Lucius smirked. "We were rascals in our day. You'll be the same way, I'm sure. Any time you think you love her, just use one of them. I'm sure you'll come to realize they're all one in the same. Trust me."
—
"Come on, son. It's the way of the world." Lucius smiled at Draco as he lead him through the dark, black and red hallway. "You want to feel better, don't you?" He questioned.
"Yes, father." Draco said quietly, following along next to him. Anything to please daddy dearest. Anything.
"I think it's just that all of your frustration needs to be released." He suggested. "You don't need the Prince girl. She'll be around forever, don't worry about her feelings." Lucius shrugged it off as he unlocked a door. "If you're ever in need, just know she's nothing more than a body to please you. Don't let her ruin your life. You'll be a man after today. And she's nothing more than a little girl." When he swung the door open, Draco's face turned into a pale shade of green.
A small group of women hardly wearing anything to cover themselves were inside. Lucius didn't say another word before he shoved Draco inside and shut the door behind him, locking him in.
"Come play with us, Draco." They taunted him, slowly walking towards him. "We heard you want to play," one of them whispered in his ear, running her hand up his thigh and grabbing a hold of his crotch. Draco stood frozen in place, not daring to move a muscle. "We'll take care of you." One of them told him, leading him to the couch.
"Hazel!" Draco shouted.
"Have you ever been touched like this before?" The woman asked him, unbuckling Draco's belt. His fearful expression didn't leave his face and he didn't even so much as shake his head.
"Hazel! Hazel!" Draco croaked out. I could tell how much force it was putting on him from his tone. I was already inside as he was trying to shut me out. His hand was gripping on to mine tightly like he would break my fingers, trying to get it to stop. "Emmy, it hurts." He cried.
The memory swirled away and turned into another. Draco knocked slowly and the door swung open, my beaming face on the other side while he looked troubled.
"I remember this night." I whispered.
"Took you long enough to get here." I giggled, grabbing Draco by his hand and pulling him into the room. I closed the door carefully before I secretly pecked his lips, my cheeks blushing bright pink and my heart soaring.
Draco hesitated for a moment before he pecked my lips back. Short and sweet. And awkward. As basic as children's kisses seem to come.
"I wish I could do that all the time." I sighed, walking to my bed and waiting for Draco to follow.
"I mean, you can. There's plenty of guy's who will be dying to see you when we get to Hogwarts. You'll be snogging them left and right." He chuckled awkwardly, climbing on top of the comforter and kicking his feet out comfortably. "If they ever break your heart or hurt you, I'll easily fuck 'em up. Don't ever let anyone take advantage of you. Ever." He told me protectively as he laid down.
My face dropped noticeably, but neither of us said anything about what he meant. But it all made sense to me now. That was the first night Draco had made it known that he was interested in the other girls at school. Right before our fourth year.
At the time, I didn't understand. I thought we were happy. I had all the answers now, knowing what had happened to Draco just a few hours before.
His father never wanted us together. Even before it had happened. He had violated his son. Tried making him see that I wasn't the only girl out there. That everything is about pleasure and no more. But even in Draco's mind back then— as much as he now tried to convince himself otherwise—I was the only girl.
—
I lowered my wand and looked at Draco. Shocked, hurt, surprised. A million emotions coursing through my body as I tried to process what he had been through. What he never told me about.
"Draco," I whispered, but he stared blankly at the floor in front of me.
"I don't even remember any of that." He told me quietly, and I could see the streaky stains down his face from where his tears had fallen. "I need to go take a shower." He whispered back. "Just meet me in my room at 8:00." He cleared his throat.
"Drake, we can talk about it." I rushed the words out as I grabbed his hand.
"We will. Just give me some time. I'll see you on our date." He told me quietly, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand and standing from his chair.
"I'm worried you're not in the best mental state to be alone right now." I told him. "That was a lot to unbury." I said slowly, waiting for him to do something.
"And I've never had much recollection of why I was the way I was until this moment. Why I was treated the way I was by my father. My brain shut it all out. It blocked all the trauma out. So I'm just going to go shower and think by myself, and I'll see you afterwards. Don't worry about me. Wear something pretty." He told me in a hushed voice. He pecked my forehead over my scar and walked out of the room swiftly. Blaise tried calling out for him as he rushed past, but instead popped his head in the doorway to look at my speechless figure.
"That bad?" He asked me, a brow quirked and his head tilted.
"Worse." I sighed, bringing a hand up to my forehead.
•
I slowly walked towards Draco's room, my soft and pink dress flowing just below my upper thigh. I kept it simple, because what was the need to make myself look over the top? It was just Draco.
No makeup, my hair down and flowing down my back. The dress wasn't even anything fancy. Just a simple sundress. Loose fit and comfortable. I didn't bother knocking as I entered Draco's bedroom— it wasn't like we ever needed any privacy from one another anyway.
Draco stood by his bed, his damp hair still hanging over his forehead while he buttoned up his black shirt. He glanced over at me as I stood by the doorway before his eyes traveled back down to look at what he was doing.
"Hi," he greeted me softly, sitting on his bed and pulling on a pair of his shoes. "You ready?" He stole a quick glance at me again before he looked away.
"Yeah." I told him, walking in to the room and standing a few feet away. I couldn't stop looking at the edge of his tattoo that peaked out of his shirt from the few buttons he left undone.
"Good." He said shortly. He walked towards me and stuck out his hand, waiting for me to take it. "Come with me." He gave me a weak smile.
I followed him through the halls of the manor and up a few staircases before we came out to a room in the top of one of the towers.
"I was going to have us do silly stuff, like play a round of quidditch on our firebolts or—"
"I still owe you your presents!" I gasped, making him chuckle.
"Maybe later." He smiled. "Like I was saying, I wanted us to do fun stuff like we used to do when we were younger, but then I kind of had my mood ruined so this was the best I could do." He sighed, braiding my fingers with his and pulling me towards the far side of the room.
Just a small couch that looked out the large window, a few candles lit around the room, some drinks for the two of us, and a large blanket thrown over the back rest.
"Just want to spend time with you. I think I need it." He said calmly, and my heart did a slight jump of joy. I pulled him towards the couch eagerly, and he didn't object as he sat down next to me.
It didn't take long for me to make myself comfortable and pull the blanket off the back, wrapping it around myself and laying my head on Draco's shoulder. He moved his arm so it wrapped around me, and pulled me closer.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I finally questioned him, but he shook his head as we both stared at the stars outside.
"Best to leave it in the past." He responded.
"Do you feel better?"
"About myself? Fuck no." He sighed. "But I feel better knowing that all this hate was never actually centered towards you. It was me all along that I hated."
"It was your father, Draco." I corrected him, sitting up slightly to look at him.
"Well, him as well." He added on. "But I realized that I didn't hate you, and I didn't hate the idea of love, I was just made to believe that what I had been doing for years was love. Every once in a while I'd come around, and there you were again. And I'd just get thrown right back into the same cycles. Getting abused and having my brain tortured." He whispered, picking up a glass of wine from the side table and taking a swig.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered to him. He put his drink back down and looked at me with a shy grin.
"I think now that I know the truth about what actually happened to me, I can finally just let it all go and start over." He whispered.
"What's that mean?" I asked him softly. His face slowly moved closer to mine before his nose brushed against mine.
"I want you, Emelia. Forever and ever, I want you." He whispered. "You're the only one that I've ever learned true love from. I think I'm finally ready to feel it again." He whispered in a shaky voice. He braided our fingers together and I felt my rings clash against his own. My heart was beating so hard in my chest, I felt like I could hardly breath.
"I want to love you."