Rowan
That night, Sam and I had ended up saying goodbye to each other not long after I had the whole crying incident. He said it was normal and it was okay to show emotion but I still worried he would eventually find it unfavorable or something. I also knew that I was probably just overthinking it all, but I couldn't help it.
He had walked me back to my door and given me a hug before saying goodnight. He was kind of mysterious in a way. He didn't tell me much about himself or his life, and I couldn't tell if it was because he was really that interested in knowing more about me or if it was him avoiding the subject.
It was a couple of days later, the day of the fourth of July party. I was excited to say the least. I wasn't particularly patriotic, I never have been, but I appreciated the holiday nevertheless. Ronnie texted me and told me the party would start around 3, and a lot of people would be there, including their friends from school. I was kind of scared to meet the other people they knew, but everything went well when I met Danny.
I took a shower and got dressed before heading downstairs. My dad was putting his shoes on to leave for another afternoon shift at work.
"Bye, Dad! Have a good day at work." I said, running over to hug him before he headed out.
"Goodbye, Ro. Don't have too much fun without me." he laughed, "Oh, and tell the Kiszka's I said hi."
"Okay, will do." I smiled as he closed the door. I thew my shoes on and headed over to the house. It was decorated quite a bit, but not in an overwhelming way which was nice. You could tell that there was a lot of effort put into it, which I could only assume was Karen's doing.
I headed over to the back porch where good music and foody smells were coming from. They were definitely right, there were a lot of people that showed up. This didn't particularly help with my nerves but I was happy to get to meet new people. My eyes swept the area, looking for the Kiszka's or Danny. I wanted a familiar face to talk to and hopefully ease me into conversation with the others.
"Boo!" I jumped, turning around as I felt someone suddenly grabbing my shoulders. It was my favorite curly headed Kiszka (definitely not because he's the only one).
"Joshua Micheal." I said in a firm tone. "You cant just scare people like that, what if I had a heart attack or something?" He let out a chuckle.
"Don't worry mama, that wouldn't happen." He gave me a loving hug, nearly squeezing me to death.
"I'm gonna pee if you keep squeezing." I squeaked out.
"Okay, okay. None of that." He responded, dropping me almost immediately. He's always been something else. I continued scanning the party, identifying all of the other Kiszkas as I went. They were scattered about, talking to a number of different people, some much younger and some older. I didn't want to admit it but I was definitely looking for a particular person.
"Ehem..." Josh began, "I know you're searchin' for him." He cracked a devious smile as my face started to blush red. I wanted to beat him up.
"Whatever." I grumbled playfully, stomping away from Josh and towards the rest of the party.
"He's inside, in case you were wondering!" Josh yelled with a laugh. He knew me all too well. I tried to wait a minute because I figured Josh would never let me hear the end of it if i'd went straight inside to look for Sam.
"Hey, Ro." Danny said, shooting me a warm smile as I headed in his general direction.
"Hi, Danny." I said with a smile, "Is Sam inside?" I questioned hesitantly. His face fell a little bit, "I wanted to say hi to him."
"Uh, yeah. He just went in a couple minutes ago to grab a soda." He responded with a shrug.
"Thanks, Danny!" I said with a smile, giving him a side hug before making my way to the door. He was one of the sweetest people ever. He didn't even really have to try.
Once I got onto the porch I opened the door and made my way into the kitchen. The house was comforting as usual and smelt of warmth and lavender.
Sam was nowhere to be seen in the kitchen so I decided to check the living room. As I approached the wooden doorframe I heard someone talking in the distance. The voice was very feminine and light, but unfamiliar. I couldn't seem to make out what exactly was being said, but when I peeked my head into the living room, it was clear I didn't really need to know. I saw enough. I saw Sam on the couch, a girl I hadn't met before straddling his lap and giving him a deep kiss. She was beautiful. Her eyes were a light blue and her hair was platinum blonde. She looked like a fairytale.
My stomach began to churn and I ran as fast as I could back to the door. Tears started to prickle in my eyes, but I felt so foolish. I continued to tell myself that he's not mine and I have no right to be upset, but I couldn't stop the tears. I knew I was right, that he would turn away from me after what happened on the roof. I was weak and naïve, and she seemed to be everything but.
I didn't want to be seen by anyone, especially not Josh. I knew he would make a big deal out of it when I shouldn't have even been upset about it at all. I kept my head down as I speed-walked my way through the party. My vision was blurred and I wanted nothing more than to get away as fast as possible. I turned the corner to head back to my house, suddenly bumping into someone.
"I'm so sorry..." I said wiping my eyes quickly, still looking down at my feet, "I, um, yeah. I need to go."
"No." The person said softly, grabbing my arm, "Rowan, what's wrong?" I realized it was Jake. He had a cigarette in the hand that wasn't holding onto me. He seemed to be upset, too.
"I'm just having a rough day, I guess." I said with a shrug. I didn't particularly want to go into the details considering it was his brother I was upset about.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He questioned, sitting down on a nearby rock and motioning for me to sit next to him.
"Not really." I sniffled, sitting down, "Maybe Frankenmuth isn't the place for me."
"I feel the same way. But i'm guessing it's not in the same sense." He began, looking at me with a faint smile and taking a drag,
"How, then?" I questioned, looking over at him.
"I want more for the band, ya know? Sometimes I feel like i'm the only one who feels that way. I don't want to be here forever. A part of me knows the rest of the guys don't either but sometimes I can't help but want to go somewhere new, somewhere where we might actually be heard." I could see a smile pull at the corner of his mouth at just the thought. He was passionate to say the least.
"You're only nineteen, Jake. Someone once taught me that it's okay not to push things, we have all the time in the world," I began, my eyes starting to well with tears again,
"I haven't heard you guys play yet, but i'm sure it's amazing. Once Sam and Danny graduate I know you guys will take on the world." The thought of Sam leaving and making it big with the band when we grow up made my stomach hurt. I would be happy for all of them, especially Jake, but I'd miss them so much.
"You're right, it's just hard not to overthink sometimes, ya know?" He shrugged,
"Yeah, I do." I sighed. He was a good person to talk to, even though he did most of the talking. It was nice to listen to, comforting almost.
"I'm gonna go home, call it a night." I mumbled, wiping my hands on my clothes as I stood up.
"Okay, Ro," he began, "If you want to talk about it, you know where i'm at." he smiled softly.
"Yes, I'll remember that." I added quietly, turning around to head up my porch.
"Oh!" he added, "If you ever want to hear us play, you should just come over. We're in the garage all the time." He smiled.
"Maybe, one day." I responded, a frown forming on my face. I couldn't stand being around Sam, at least not without overthinking.
I made my way up to my room, shutting the door behind me. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. It wasn't even just a matter of jealousy, it was a matter of self confidence. I felt inadequate. He likes her because i'm not good enough. All I ever wanted to be was good enough.
I knew I wasn't the most exciting person around, but I thought for just a moment that being Rowan, being me, would be enough. That day, the only thing I realized is that I was sorely mistaken.