Harry woke up with a weight on his arm, looking to his left he sees Louis' back turned to him.
Normally, he would go for his morning run but he decides against it today. Part of him wants to stay in bed a little longer, the other part just doesn't want Louis to be moved and woken up.
He takes his phone and writes a quick message to his mom that they're tired and he has a bit of a migraine so they're just going to chill and sleep today.
They were going to travel to another little city, Harry has already been there so he really doesn't mind.
His mom texts back if she should come over to check up on him but Harry kindly declines, saying he's just going to sleep it off.
He turns to the side Louis is laying on his arm and cuddles into his back trying to get some more sleep.
That slumber lasts until he hears some grunting from beside him.
"Fuck."
"Lou? You okay?"
Louis just groans, "Face hurts."
"Let me see," Harry turns on the bedside lamp and hovers above him.
Louis squeezes his eyes shut when the light hits them while Harry examines his face.
"God, that's bruising for sure, I'll get you some ointment when our parents are gone."
Louis hums, cuddling further into Harry's arm he's still laying on, "Thanks."
Harry pulls him into his chest, "You want to sleep some more?"
"Please?"
"Sure, Lou. I already told mom we're staying in today."
Louis responds with a light kiss on his chest, successfully making Harry's heart flutter.
~
The next time Harry wakes up he decides it's time to make some breakfast. He manages to get Louis off of him and builds a pillow wall behind him, hoping that'll stop him from turning to his bad side again.
He makes Louis' favorite breakfast while thinking about yesterday.
Louis loves him. And he's been through so fucking much.
Yes, Harry had been bullied and lost all his friends in the same month. But Louis actually helped him with his worst bullies without Harry even noticing.
Besides, after that month Liam and Niall approached him and he's had them ever since.
What he had been through is nothing in comparison to what Louis had been through. Louis didn't have any support from his own fucking family.
His dad abused him, both physically and mentally.
Harry was scared to death to come out with his dad, but he had reacted the way everyone should. And he's his stepdad.
You'd think it's harder for a stepdad to accept their stepchildren than a real dad.
He starts getting angry again, which he noticed by the way he slammed his pan on the stove.
"Harry?" Louis comes walking in, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.
"Sorry, Lou. The pan kinda slipped," Harry smiled.
"How are you feeling?"
Louis shrugs and keeps walking until he's right besides Harry, "Chocolate chip pancakes?"
Harry nods, "Figured you needed your favorite today."
Louis hugs his side and thanks him before going to sit at the kitchen island.
After breakfast they both know they should talk about everything but they're dreading it, so much.
"You wanna go sit outside?" Louis asks.
Harry nods and follows him to the outside lounge.
They kissed here for the first time yesterday, the mere thought makes Harry's tummy explode with butterflies.
"I-"
"We-"
They both laugh while Louis signs him to go first.
"I haven't changes my mind on this. I want you and I will do everything to convince you that we should be together," Harry breathes out, going straight to the point.
Louis sighs, "Please, never think I don't want you because I do. God help me, you're the only thing in life I want more than my football career. I just feel bad, H."
"I get that, but I don't see why you should feel bad if I have already forgiven you. I know that you feel that this was all your fault, but it isn't. You were young and afraid."
"I'm still afraid.." Louis whispers, "Harry, one of the main reasons I never approached you even after you came out is because I didn't want to pull you into my mess. My dad is horrible, you shouldn't deal with that, it's unfair for me to expect you to."
Harry frowns, "We're going to uni soon, my parents are supportive. Do you really think my parents will let your dad be an ass to us?"
"You don't understand. He said cruel things about you yesterday, that's probably why it got so out of hand. I- I just don't want to be the reason my family broke, if my mom knows he hit me she'll be feral, my sister too,.."
"You defended me again and got hit?" Harry asks.
"Not the point, Harry. If we'd be together and everyone finds out my dad will be livid, which would cause a big hassle in my family and I don't want that for my mom nor my sister."
It's important to Harry though. Louis never doubts to have Harry's back even if he isn't there. It's important for him to know that Louis does care about him enough to do all that.
Harry sighs and lowers his voice a bit because he's truly starting to feel like he's some desperate guy begging another one to be with him, "What if we keep it quiet?"
Louis frowns yet again, "That's not fair towards you, again. I can't expect you to be in a secret relationship, love."
"I told you this before, I'd do anything."
He's desperate again, shit.
"Harry..-"
"Do you even want to be with me? You're constantly trying to find reasons why we shouldn't be together, Louis."
The hurt on Harry's face is very obvious which makes Louis want to puke out the perfect pancakes he made for him.
"I do! I really do want to be with you!"
"Than stop trying to find ways out and be with me," Harry tells him.
"But what if-"
Harry stands up and walks out, not being able to bear another one of Louis' ways out. He's done.
He only can take so much hurt and can only be so desperate.
It's not even a surprise to him that Louis doesn't follow him.
Fucking embarrassing, that is.
~
Louis paces around the living room the whole time Harry is away. This is the moment he should be fucking brave.
He told Harry the truth.
He did the one thing he always feared so badly. He always thought that the next step would go easily, once he'd come clean they would just be together but turns out it's not that easy at all.
He's still scared.
Why is he so damn scared of a man who can't make him anything anymore once he's out the house. Harry's right, they can be together.
But what if he and Harry don't work out? They have changed over the years, maybe they'll hate each other after getting to know their new quirks and stuff.
If he broke up his family for a messed up relationship he'd be devastated.
Only thinking about the fact that their hypothetical relationship would fail makes his heart burn.
How would he ever not love Harry?
What quirks would make it impossible for them to be together? He's bloody perfect.
Although, Harry could be the one to break it off and Louis has a lot of hateful quirks, so that would be understandable.
Is he overthinking this?
Maybe.
He groans and tugs his hair in frustration, why can't his brains be normal for once?
On top of all that he didn't even bring his medication to France. Those pills would make him an emotionless, calm person in two seconds.
But no, he's full on overthinking every single detail that could go wrong the next 5 years.
Somewhere in his brain he already thought of a name for their shared dog already, what the fuck?
He tries to calm himself down, slowing his breathing and stopping his quick pace around the room.
The door opens and yes, his breathing picks up again and the urge to start pacing again gets real tempting.
Harry's wearing his sunglasses so he can't really read the expression but he tosses something towards him, "Here's the ointment for your face."
Louis catches it against his chest and follows Harry's path with his eyes.
He's going to the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
He's no genius to know that means Harry wants to be alone but the question is: Does Louis want to leave Harry alone?
The answer is: No.
He really wants to go into that room and tell Harry he wants to name their first dog Pluto, cause they always used to talk about how they found it sad that it wasn't a planet anymore.
Also Harry had been to Disneyland as a kid and had a stuffed Pluto dog in his bed which Louis would make fun of but ultimately fell asleep with it in his arms.
That's totally beyond the issue he's dealing with right now though.
Does he want to be with Harry?
Yes. No question.
Does he want to jeopardize his family to be with Harry?
Egotistically thinking, yes. He'd literally sell his sister to be with Harry.
Just kidding.. well, not really. Don't tell her though.
But practically, it's way harder than that. He has to think about all the things that could go wrong because he's not egoistic. He doesn't want everything crumbling down around him because of him.
He's really developing a headache and getting too frustrated at himself. To the point that he's debating to hit his head on the wall, hoping it's hard enough for a concussion.
That way he'd stop thinking and Harry might stop ignoring him to help him.
He sighs and tugs his hair one last time. He swears he'll get bald after he's sorted this out.
Maybe he should just talk to Harry and explain that he's going mad.
He decides to do that after another 5 minutes of pacing and hair tugging.
He knocks on the door and enters even when he doesn't hear a 'come in'.
"Harry?"
Harry hums, his back is turned to Louis while laying on the bed.
"I'm kinda going mad and I can't figure this out myself, I'm scared and not brave enough to make a decision and I hate myself for not being impulsive this once- because you know I'm always way too impulsive but I'm overthinking everything, I swear-"
"Lou," Harry turns around when he hears the panicked tone.
"You cried?"
It's obvious and it makes Louis' stomach turn twice, his eyes are puffy and face is red.
His nails dig in his palm, trying not to burst into tears himself because he's been through a mental rollercoaster trying to figure this out, while he was yet again hurting Harry.
Harry ignores the question, because Louis looks so damn out of it, "Are you okay?"
Yep, that'll do it. Tears stream down his cheeks, fast. He literally burst out into tears, overwhelmed by everything.
Never ask someone if they're okay when they're on the verge of bawling.
Harry jumps off the bed and takes Louis into his arms, shushing him to calm him at least a bit.
"Lou, calm down. It's okay. I'm okay."
"I hurt you again," Louis hiccups, his nails digging deeper.
"Stop, don't do that," Harry pulls his hands in his', "Are you overwhelmed?"
Louis nods, "I'm scared to make this decision, I love you but I'm scared."
"I know," Harry kisses the top of his head and pulls him to the bed.
"We might find solutions, love. Tell me what's your main concern about all this?"
Louis wipes a few tears, "My dad is going to hate me and you- us."
"Okay, Lou, I'm okay with that. We can get through that part together."
Louis looks at him, thinking about it.
Maybe they can get through that part together, if he has Harry he's not alone anymore to deal with his issues.
He nods slowly, "If m-my mom and sister take his side I might never see them again."
Harry frowns, "Lottie would never take his side, right? How does your mom feel about this?"
"She's been supportive since the beginning, never really dares to say much though."
"Does she know about the beating?"
Louis shakes his head violently, "No- well she knows about the black eye when I came out but she told my dad if he ever laid a hand on me again she would leave him, so she can't know."
Harry frowns again but nods, understanding that he doesn't want that for Lottie of his parents.
"What happens if they don't take his side?"
"I don't know," Louis whispers, "That's what I'm afraid of most."
Harry sighs and hugs Louis close, "I get why you're thinking about all that and I love that about you. You're always thinking about others first but what do you want?"
"You."
Harry pulls back and looks at him, "And what will it take for you to be able to let yourself have me?"
"Bravery."
"You have that, you're the bravest person I know."
"Yet I'm somewhat of a coward right now," Louis sniffles.
Harry shakes his head, "Being this altruistic at this moment is brave too."
Louis looks down, still struggling with one concern, "What if we don't make it, H?"
"What?"
"What if we're not meant to be after all? What if you realize I changed too much and you hate me? What if we can't handle my dad's hate?"
Harry breathes in, trying to process that, "By my knowledge we're still as meant to be as ever. I could never hate you, I still know you, Louis. Even if you changed the tiniest bit, I love the new parts too."
"And about your dad's homophobic comments, I don't think I'll ever really care about them if I have you. Because I know you will have my back and I will have yours, I promise you that."
Louis starts to feel a little more optimistic.
"If you'd like we'll keep us a secret, for a little while. We could have a small trial relationship until we're both 100% sure?"
Louis sighs but before he could say anything Harry beats him to it.
"It's not unfair to me, Lou. I'm totally fine with keeping this on the low for now, it's not like when you start dating someone that you tell everyone, right?"
Louis nods, "Yeah, yeah, maybe?"
Harry cups Louis' cheek, "We can be brave together, Lou."
He leans in and presses a tentative kiss on Louis' lips, not putting too much pressure to overwhelm him.
When Louis kisses back he feels like he's overcome at least a bit of his struggles.
"I want to try this, with you."
Harry smiles and kisses him again. And again. And again.
And eventually Louis starts to relax again when he's sure he made the right choice.
Harry's the right choice.
~
Hi!
I literally loved writing this because I wrote Louis' overthinking in an ADHD perspective and it was cool to write down how I usually overthink and get overwhelmed!
Hope you liked the chaos!
Love you all!