Steve didn't go back to sleep at all. He couldn't. Any time he closed his eyes all he saw were Eddie's looking back at him. Dark, intense, analyzing him, seeing everything. What the hell was wrong with him?
He didn't even register the drive to Robin's house. He just pulled into the driveway, shifted the car to park, and beeped once to let her know he was waiting, the same as every other day he picked her up. He zoned out as he waited, unable to get his mind off of Eddie and Eddie's hair and Eddie's eyes and Eddie's lips and Eddie's hands. Stop. Stop it, just leave it alone.
Steve honked the horn for the second time in the past five minutes. He was tired of waiting for Robin to get in the car so they could go to work. He was tired of sitting in his car alone because when he was alone he thought of Eddie, and when he thought of Eddie he felt sick. Finally he saw her hop out the door on one foot, trying to pull her other shoe on.
She opened the passenger side door and glared at him, "Patience is a virtue, you know. I was on my way, I left my vest upstairs and my mom hates when I wear my shoes through the house."
"You were taking forever, Robin," he glanced over at her as she plopped down in the seat, closing the car door and putting on her seatbelt.
He put the BMW in reverse and backed out of the driveway, heading towards the store. They were both quiet for a few minutes, "You look like shit."
"And you look as radiant as ever," Steve glanced in the rear view mirror quickly, taking note of the dark circles under his eyes and his usually neat hair that was now messy from running his fingers through it anxiously.
Robin chewed on her lip as she studied him, trying to figure out who or what Steve was upset about, praying it wasn't her. She cleared her throat, "How's Eddie doing?"
"Don't know."
"I thought he was staying with you."
"He is."
"Then how do you not-"
"Jesus, Rob, I didn't talk to him this morning! I don't know, okay?" His knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel just a little bit too hard.
Robin sank back in her seat and looked out the window, falling silent.
Steve sighed, "I'm sorry... I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, and... I just- I'm not doing great."
"It's fine." She didn't say anything for the rest of the ride.
They went through their usual opening routine and unlocked the door at exactly noon. Robin would throw the occasional worried glance at Steve. She could practically feel the waves of anxiety rolling off of him as he sat behind the counter with his head in his hand, staring at the computer screen while he waited for something to do. Robin set the small stack of tapes in her hand back down on the cart, deciding to finish restocking the shelves later. She slid behind the counter and stood next to Steve, copying him by putting her head on her hand and looking up at him expectantly.
Steve did his best to ignore her. He really did, but the thought that Robin would think he was upset with her made him feel even worse than he already did. "It's not about you if that's what you want to know."
"I won't push you, Steve."
"Something's wrong with me."
"I could have told you that."
"Fuck off..." he tried to fight the smile like he had tried to ignore Robin. He failed at both.
"There he is," Robin smiled too, turning to lean back on the counter as she crossed her arms. "Long night?"
"Early morning," he corrected. "4:37 to be exact."
"Any reason?"
Steve bit the inside of his cheek as he thought about the way Eddie looked at him, the way Eddie touched him, the way Eddie kissed him, "Bad dream."
Robin nodded slowly. She knew he was lying. Bad dreams didn't make people blush. "You know you can always talk to me, okay? And nothing's wrong with you for having a bad dream."
"Yeah. Thanks." He couldn't look at her. He couldn't look her in the eyes and lie to her.
Business was slow. It always was on Tuesdays. At 3:26 exactly, Steve finally worked up the courage to talk to Robin about his problem. He had been listening to her talk about Vickie and standing next to Vickie and making sandwiches with Vickie and Vickie's smile and, "Eddie's been using my soap."
Robin furrowed her brows as she turned to look at him. "Okay?"
"And my shampoo."
"Is he not supposed to?"
"No... I mean no, he's not NOT supposed to... He is. It's fine. He can use it."
"Right," Robin nodded slowly, staring at Steve like he was speaking a completely different language.
"I just... I smell it all the time and it makes me feel weird," he concluded, hoping Robin would somehow understand what he was trying to say.
She didn't. "So, Eddie is using your soap... and your shampoo... and you can smell it and that makes you feel weird?"
"Yes. No. I mean..."
Robin stayed quiet, watching him figure out what he wanted to say and how to say it.
Steve spoke slowly when he had finally found the words he was looking for. "I've been helping him with his bandages and stuff, we change them after he gets a shower. And I always have a hard time concentrating because for some damn reason all I can think of is that he smells like my soap. And I always feel so off after. Like, my hands get all sweaty and my chest hurts and it doesn't make any sense." He leaned over the counter, keeping his head down.
Robin pursed her lips, processing what he had said, "Steve? Does this have to do with why you were up at 4 in the morning?"
He didn't answer her. He didn't move. Finally, "What do you dream about?"
"I'm sorry?"
"I mean, like... do you ever have dreams about guys?"
"Yeah, you were in my dream a few nights ago, and Dustin-"
"No. No, not like that. I mean like.."
Oh. OH. "Um... no. Not really." She studied him carefully and lowered her voice nearly to a whisper even though they were the only two in the store, "Is this about Eddie?"
She could see him tense up and felt a pang of sympathy for him when he finally stood upright, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. "Look, Steve, you know I-"
"I'm not gay, Robin." He practically spat the words at her.
"Okay," she stayed calm, dismissing his tone since he was obviously upset. Upset was an understatement. She had never seen him like this. She was almost positive no one had. "Okay. That's fine. You're not gay."
"I.. I don't... I like girls," he looked at her desperately, like he was begging her to validate the statement. To confirm so they could move on and he could just ignore what had happened and ignore Eddie and ignore the scent of his soap.
"I know," she said softly, walking over to him and putting a hand on his arm. "I know you do. It's okay."
That did him in. The dam broke and the first tears started rolling down his cheeks. Robin stood with him, rubbing his arm in a way that she could only hope was comforting, and let him cry. Thank god Tuesdays were never busy.
"I don't know what's going on.." Steve finally regained control of himself. "I feel like I'm crazy. Do you think I'm crazy? Fuck, you think I'm lying, don't you?"
"No. I don't think you're crazy, and I don't think you're lying." Robin gave him a small reassuring smile accompanied by a gentle squeeze on his arm. "I think you're confused about why this is happening. I think you're frustrated because you don't understand it, and I think you're hurting, Steve. I think you're hurting because you keep ignoring it and pushing it away."
"Robin..." his voice was starting to waver again. "I'm not gay. I can't-" he shook his head and looked down at the counter. "I can't be gay."
"You don't have to be gay to like boys," she ducked her head into his line of vision. "And just because you like boys doesn't mean you can't like girls. One doesn't invalidate the other, you know."
"I don't LIKE Eddie."
"If you don't like him, then why are you so upset?" She cocked her head to the side, asking genuinely rather than to challenge him. That was a really good question. Why was he upset? Why was it such a big deal that Eddie smelled like him? Why did he always feel the urge to keep his hands on him after he was done with his bandages? Why couldn't he stop thinking about that fucking dream? And why was he mad that he had woken up?
Steve sat down on the stool they kept in front of the computer and looked back at her dejectedly, "How am I supposed to go back home and look him in the eyes after that? How am I supposed to spend every day with him, close to him, taking care of him, touching him, talking to him, acting like everything is normal?"
"Isn't it?"
"No! It's not! It's not normal at all! This isn't normal, Robin!"
"Okay, well think of it this way. He'll probably be better soon, right? So he'll leave, and you won't have to worry about it anymore."
That's right. He's going to leave. Steve felt that tightness in his chest again, the uneasiness. He didn't want Eddie to leave. It was more than just being alone. It was like Eddie's presence had this effect on him that made him feel warm and safe and happy and alive. He didn't think he could deal with losing that.
"I need him.."
"He'll still be around, Steve."
"No..." Fuck, his eyes were starting to burn again. "I need him with me." He wanted Eddie to stay. He wanted to feel all those things he felt around him. He wanted to feel warm, safe, happy, alive. He didn't feel that way now. Now he just felt guilty and disgusting and ashamed.
Robin wrapped her arms around him and rubbed small circles on his back, letting him rest his head on her shoulder. They stayed that way for a while. Maybe five minutes, maybe 10. Fuck, it could have been an hour for all they cared. Tuesdays were never busy.
"I like girls..." It was quiet, but she heard it.
"I know."
He took a shaky breath and spoke again, even quieter now, "I like Eddie."
"I know."